When the time comes I’m not going into a Care Home

My mother's care home seems to be managing well. Their post is delivered to a local drug store. I'm not sure what they do with it but she said that it is some time before they receive it.
They can't use the library and I think they are spending most of their time in their rooms which she does anyway.
When you get to the point that you need a lot of care, I doubt that it makes much difference so far as health safety is concerned to have people coming in regularly or being in a care home.
There was no choice with my mother. She put it off as long as she could and last time I spoke to her she was talking about 'when I leave here and move into an apartment' so the fact that she is 94 next week, falls frequently and cannot do much without help does not mean that she has accepted her situation. Unfortunately she has become very tactless and when I asked her if that was really realistic now, she loudly and cheerfully said 'well this place may go bankrupt, a lot do you know'. I could tell that the staff were near here as I heard them giving her coffee. She likes the staff and has a nice room and is checked on so we know there is no abuse but she just never wanted to be in a care home. She also didn't particularly want to live into her 90s. Unfortunately her friends are too old to visit her although she does speak to them on the phone. She has made friends with people who have then died so it is difficult. One man that she liked talking to was 104. It would be much better for her to be somewhere where there were people of all ages but that just isn't possible.
Life throws things at us. Needs and wants change. I just hope that I don't get to a point where choices are taken out of my hands. At least here there is more attempt to help people in their own homes.

I have always said the only way I would leave my home would be feet first in a box! I do not like the idea of going into a care home but if the choice was that or inflicting an increasingly frail person on my family I would do it. My husband suffered from dementia for five years becoming increasingly dependant. I could have coped with the mental problems but on the end had to let him go into a care home - the hardest decisions I have ever had to make - because I could no longer cope physically with lifting him. We found an amazing home just 20 minutes from were we lived so I was able to go to see him every day, which I did for his final two years and he was certainly happy there. The residents had so much attention from the carers and they were always talked to and kept immaculately clean He died quietly and peacefully, surrounded by so much love and care so please do not condemn all homes as horrible places smelling of urine.

No-one doubts that most, if not all, staff in care homes do an amazing job in very difficult circumstances normally for very basic pay. In these abnormal times, they are being put-upon, not supported by central government and placed in danger. I heard 2000 care homes had CV today. It's society's and govt's perceptions of care homes that are terrifying.
A friend's father went to one when he came out of hospital and his children were working full-time. It was fairly typical, nothing special about it. After a week back in his own home, he decided he'd like to move there permanently. Excellent, he was happy there. From my point of view, I was sad as the monthly cost of this home (in one of the cheapest parts of the country) was more than I was earning after 40 years in a graduate profession. Using the value of my home to pay for my care, the money would disappear quite quickly in London and SEast where my family are. What happens then? Would you be turfed out into a rock-bottom cheap home?

So many sweeping statements on here and from people who admit to never being in a care home.

We do not know what the future holds - if we have a future. We may have preferences but we cannot always choose. My mum always said she didn't want to go into a home but when she developed dementia and was double incontinent I had no choice as I am not fit myself. I had looked after both parents for 10 years prior to that - getting up in the night, cleaning them up etc.

I can honestly say my mum at 99 is happy and is always smiling. She likes being cared for with company around her.

So before you make your judgemental statements think again.

This is pretty unequivocal
All they are is massive Petri dishes and it’s like a Brave New World out there.

Eugenics write large

A damning indictment.
If you had meant to say there are good care homes and bad ones, why didn’t you.

Well I agree with Whitewave. If I am in my right mind a care home will be the last resort for me. I don’t doubt many of them are super nice but it would be a living death for me to be with all those people all of the time.
And btw some of you ladies can be super nasty which I find distressing to read.

bingo12 Care staff are often on low wages cannot afford a car so have to use public transport. They cannot always "social distance" hence they can catch the virus easily themselves and before they know they are infectious pass it on.

I have had some revealing and horrible experiences of so called care homes. Both my wife's parents who had been living with us for 15+ years needed to go into hospital. She was having trouble with a hip and he had a stroke. Neither of them were able to come back home.

Social services took over, and how I dreaded dealing with them, not as persons but because of the rules they had to follow. So I took on the job of visiting every care home in S East Wales. Naturally I started with Cardiff but had to go further afield when nothing in the city was satisfactory. So I saw those that smelled as soon as the door opened ( how could the staff stand it?) those that gave a false impression but as soon as you started looking around found problems and those where the standards of care (despite having their quota of NHS trained nueses) fell well short of what they were promising. So bad was the first one that social services insisted Dad went in (while I was still looking for a place for him but he was bed blocking) that I visited him every day at different times and when it was dry I wheeled him out and around the local park until it was time for his next meal and stayed with him as long as was able to do. His watch and a hearing aid "vanished"; the manager said she could do nothing. But eventually I found the home that met his needs and satisfied my wife and me in Penarth. His wife had also been moved there but only after a long battle over the fees and the same for him. They both died there within 3 months of each other.

My experiences made my wife and I decide that we could never face any home. Even when I found one home I knew that either it would have to close at some point (ownership problems) or changes in staff and managers would mean a change in most other matters.

We cannot afford private care. So as soon as we heard of Dignity in Dying we joined; a first step as they are still fighting for the rights of terminally ill people to decide upon when they wish to die. It seems that they are slowly winning that battle having got many MPs and now doctors representative organisations as well as individual doctors to see that the law needs to change.

Our wish is that when that battle is won we can then move on to let everyone who wants to decide when to die (and not by some awful suicide attempt). All the opposition to this is driven by those who cannot see where this can be made a safe decision by those places across the world where this is made available by law.

Then we can arange our matters accordingly and avoid any chance of facing a care home and the horrors of waiting to die in fear of what we have to face while doing so. I am well aware that there are many who cannot and will not accept such a change. However the whole point is that it has to be a choice, a personal legal choice, and the safeguards can be made as shown elsewhere.

monica read the op then think about it.

So who is going to look after you and don't say family? Ive made it clear to mine they are not doing it. They have their own lives to lead.

I find some of the posts on this thread extremely upsetting and in some cases quite offensive.
My parents were both in an excellent care home. My Mother had to go in just over 2 and a half years when my Father who had been caring for her had a stroke. She had PD quite advanced. My Father joined her on a temporary basis for Christmas. At New Year he was found to have Lung Cancer caused by Asbestosis and died just 3 months later. My Mother stayed in the home and died at Christmas It was impossible for me to look after either of them due to my health conditions and my daughter is already a carer for her autistic son and her other grandmother who has just died due to CV19. We chose the care home with great care, and it proved to be excellent.
How dare anyone say it is down to money, lack of care or just not wanting to be bothered on the part of the family. Many people on here have recently lost loved ones in care homes, many of us thought long and hard before going down the care home route, many of us couldnt do what we would have liked and looked after them ourselves.

But does any one have a reason why there are so many cases of virus in care homes? (Please don't say ''old age''). That is what we want to know - not all the personal histories of someone's great aunt! How are they getting infected?

No not questioning your personal choice Whitewave jIt is easy to make that decsion now when you are in your right mind and able to manage your life. Just wondering how you can make that decision, given that by the time you may need residential care you will have severe dementia or debilating physical problems.

I am sure you are not one of those people who do not care how much your family suffer or collapse with health problems because of your insistence that they care for you at home.

You may not want to go into care, and that applies to all of us, but there may well come a time when others have to decide between your care and their health and well-being or you may have to accept that staying at home in unfeasible.

I think we all hope and pray that time never comes, but my rule has always been to never say never, because you usually end up with having to be or do what you have loudly announced you would never do.

May be not politically correct, but from the heart.
We are both horrified by the idea of care homes in the present circumstances. These people are paying thousands of pounds per month. even per week in some cases to be imprisoned in a giant Petri dish. It sounds like Russian roulette. We are aware that many people have no choice and feel incredibly sad for them. But we, speaking very truthfully, are terrified of the very idea of having to go into a home.

I always feel really sorry for people in care homes. To me, it’s like they’ve been abandoned.
I know some may not have family, or may have dementia so bad that being cared for at home is nigh on impossible. But certainly a lot of the people I see in these homes ( from the TV as I’ve never actually been inside one ) are just old.
As I say, I find it very sad.

I have set up a Living Will which I hope will be respected, and also a savings fund which would take me to Switzerland if necessity arose. At the end of their lives, beloved pets are treated with more kindness and compassion than are people.

Well my MIL moved into a care home six weeks before lockdown - we had to go to Portugal - she loved it. They had coffee mornings in the lounge - people used to come in and sing - they had speakers - hair dresser on site - you name it - she was so busy joining in all their activities she didn’t have time to read . The chef made fresh cakes each afternoon for them all. She made friends with 3 other ladies mainly - and they would sit and have a right old natter - she really was happy but unfortunately times have changed now and it is so different. She has to stay in her room - we can’t see her now - she hates it now - she was never good being on her own when she was home with us - she hated us going out. Hopefully all with return back when we are out of this nightmare - but I must say the carers are fantastic - they are so kind to her and can’t do enough for her - unfortunately she has had a high temperature for the last week so not sure if she has Covid - nobody is saying anything - which is frustrating - I sincerely hope not . What I am trying to say is she did love it there until she was shut in her room - I try to tell her they are all shut in their rooms for safety but at 93 it is so difficult.

And as for Eugenics and dystopia.

I would refer you to Cummings and his side kick. They introduce the topic not me.

I think that this thread shows exactly why so many threads end up in such a bun fight.

I expressed an opinion, then so many if you have personalised it, looked at your own situation and decided that I was somehow criticising your choice,

Absolute rubbish.

I reiterate. There is a choice. I can only speak from personal experience. I didn’t say that everyone should not go into a care home, I didn’t say that those who do must mean the relatives are less caring. I didn’t say that I expect my children to step up if I get to that position. I didn’t say that we funded mum. I didn’t say that all care homes are rubbish. All that was spin put in by other posters.

I did say that I think the current situation is disastrous. I did say that the way the virus is behaving it is treating care homes like big Petri dishes, I did say that my preference would be not to go into a care home, I did say and explain how we cared for mum at her home.

Everything else is spin.

Whitewave I am certainly not trying to pick a fight and might I respectfully suggest that for many here your Eugenics and Brave New World judgement was personal (your entitlement), but inflammatory, biased, ill - considered and sadly lacking in tact or empathy.
Dizzyblonde and others also have the professional experience to know what they are talking about - and display both humanity and common sense.

I watched the prog. on Sky at week end about a care home in Birmingham(?) They had had about 11(?) people die of virus, care staff had virtually no protection. The virus must get into the homes by staff coming in and out - even if the ''patients' are all elderly, they are self isolating by virtue of where they are - so how else is it that so many people have it in the care homes?

Please can you expand on what part of your posts I am not reading WWM2.

Houndi I take exception to your post, my SIL loves her mother to bits, but being bitten, scratched and having things thrown at her, being told that she is trying to poison her, using each chair in the house as a toilet, (not forgetting that SIL is ill herself and elderly,) falling down the stairs, sleeping in the garden and generally screaming at her for most of the day.
If you can honestly say that you could care for someone like that for 3 or more years, with little or no sleep, unable to leave MIL on her own in any room unless she is asleep, then you must be superwoman.
Don’t forget also that if we were materialistic we would have the prospect of a house to inherit instead of having to sell it for care home fees.

Houndi - to imply materialism and a lack of love is insensitive and inaccurate.

I was a social worker in a former life and have seen so many elderly people blossom in a care or nursing home; and improved relationships with their loved ones once the stress of caring is lifted.

I can assure that my OH had all the love and attention he could need from all of us - we were able to spend peaceful loving times with him, once the task of wiping his arse, dealing with his catheter etc.was taken off our shoulders.

Life is more subtle than your post implies.

dizzy you are not reading my posts.

maw you are trying to pick a fight but you will get none from me.

My opinion stands. You are interpreting in your own way.

I started this thread by reacting to the news on Radio 4 that at least 50% of deaths from covid are happening in care homes.
I was appalled.

I explained how going into a care home was not the only option and gave an example as to how we cared for and funded mum.

Since then. So many of you have either not read what I’ve written or put your own spin on what I have written.

I am largely writing about the situation we are finding ourselves in, it is dystopian and horribly. It doesn’t matter how well the care home is managed, the situation regarding the virus won’t change.