When the time comes I’m not going into a Care Home

I didn’t mean lack of character maw you are reading something into my statement that isn’t there.

I am the same character as mum, happy in my own company, almost certainly an introvert.

MawB and dizzy blond, thanks for your comments here. I can't imagine many of us would choose to go into residential care, we would all want to stay home. We want the same for our loved ones but we don't always get what we want, something life will surely have taught us by now.

I hope never to go into residential care. I hope I am never in a position where I need 24 hour care, whether its nursing or social care (or whatever border dispute goes on between those agencies).

We were able to support mum at home until 3 weeks before she died. We had two sisters living within three miles, so two visits a day. As things became more difficult we were gradually able to persuade mum to accept a carer coming in twice a day "to walk the dog and do a few things if you want mum" was the only way we could persuade her. We were three loving daughters, all working full time and with the usual demands from other family members, grandchildren, adult children, our own health at times causing multiple hospital visits. Whitewave, like your family, we had the financial and other resources to manage over 5 years in this way. Not everyone is as fortunate and additionally, some parents need even greater care than you and we were able to provide. I don't feel able suggest that people whose partner/child/parent or other loved one goes into residential care is letting them down in some way.

After my dad died, my mum wanted to go into a care home. She had a new lease of life, no worries about shopping, housekeeping, being on her own. She had six good months, a social life, all meals made.....
Yes, there were a few niggles, nothing is perfect, but there was no real alternative. My only regret is that when she became ill and had to go into hospital that I didn’t find a nursing home/ hospice place for her very last days.
A person’s own home is not always the best place at the end, and not all families are able to take on the caring role.

Of course the current situation is dire and it is so wrong that social carers do not have PPE and so many are dying in care homes. But they won’t be dying alone.

Mum had copd.

maw cruise ships cause a much bigger problem

It is estimated that up to 50% of total deaths from covid are in care homes.

Thoughtless and divisive?

I think not. Quite the opposite in fact. If your choice is to go into a care home then fine. But mums choice was to stay in her own home and we honoured that choice. I am aware that we were very proactive in pursuing that aim, and were able to find our way around the system using it to support mum. But my point is that to my mind those in nursing homes particularly at this time are being exposed unnecessarily to the virus.

That was something we could have controlled ourselves if mum was still alive. We advised the carers that no one should enter her home if they had a slight cold (mum had cold) and we felt in control of the entire situation. By controlling mums environment her only illness (pneumonia) was her last illness.

I suspect that the choice you make has a lot to do with character

Not forgetting circumstances Whitewave .
My father coped alone up to the age of 88 after Mum died, with a carer twice a day to help with cleaning, laundry and meals, but eventually rang me (at work) one day to say he was not coping and to find him a place in one of the two care homes in his town.
I’m not saying they were ideal, but kind and caring.
There was nothing else I could have done living 350 miles away in full time work and with a husband who had had a transplant. I went up to Scotland every half term and school holiday but it was a full day’s drive to get there so even weekends were impossible. My sister lived in Canada and Dad would never have left Scotland.
It was his character that made him independent but also his common sense that made him realise things could not continue as they were.
So don’t dismiss those who go into residential care as lacking in character.
And do not write off all care homes as being the same - there are all degrees of good, bad and indifferent.

Both my DH and myself feel the same way and have promised each other we will do our best to provide care at home for as long as we can. However dementia is the final decision maker.
I have never visited a Care Home that didn't stink of urine and this alone puts me off completely.
We nursed my Mum who had dementia amongst other ailments, and it was difficult, really difficult, and there were times when quite honestly I could have slapped her.
For example, she was doubly incontinent and if we didn't get to her in time she'd take her pad off and 'play' with the contents, which as you can imagine made for considerable extra work in the cleaning department.
We did book her into a home so we could have a break and she wept non-stop. Mind you she was still unhappy in her own home and really wanted to live with us.
Homes are not happy places, and I definitely do not want to go into one.

Care of the disabled and elderly is one problem that can be less bad if a lot of money is spent on it.

Would warehousing the elderly be good enough if the care homes were really well staffed? You have to pay decent wages to get enough good trained staff.

Not a thoughtless remark just stating an opinion based on fact.

Having removed my Husbands Grandmother three times before we found a half decent care home for her.

My Father due to being hospitalised several times over 12 year period was often placed in a care home for respite.
I could give you a long list of complaints.

The worst of which was not calling a doctor, when he developed shingles on his face.
By the time we had insisted several times that something was wrong, he was finally rushed into hospital with encephalitis.

Just look at how many home are on the Amber or even Red list

Carehomes are a money making investment for the owners and are mainly staffed by poorly qualified employees barely out of school on minimum wage.

In the late 80s,My best friends uncle won a considerable amount of money on the football pools.
His financial advisor's advice?
Buy a couple of care homes.
Which he did!

Witzend, we failed to find a 'reasonably nice' care home for our mother (tried three in her last year).

Oh yes, they appeared to be very nice, caring, considerate, doing their best. Daytime visits (especially after lunch) certainly gave that impression.

They were incapable of delivering what they promised, though. With no minimum staffing ratio at night, even the luxury ones we tried seriously neglected their elderly inmates.

My mother had all her marbles - and a mobile phone. She'd often phone me, and the police, at night.

Early morning and late evening surprise visits from me revealed some truly disturbing common practices - all due to lack of time and lack of staff!

Tbh unless you have dementia, I don’t think that you need to go into a home. We arranged for a carer to go in 4 times a day. So morning, personal care and breakfast. Lunch and personal care. Evening meal and personal care and last thing to tuck her up for the night. She had a cleaner go in once a week and who also did the laundry.We did the emotional support and other stuff that families do. Including cooking her meals to be given to her at the appropriate time. Mum was a very picky eater and we were able to give her exactly what she wanted to eat, cooked in the way she preferred. We also did her personal washing.
She was happy with all her stuff around her and her massive tv (eye sight nearly gone).

My worry was that at times we weren’t there that she was lonely, but she said that there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. She had a good deal of inner resource, spending the day doing the guardian crossword, reading, listening to the radio and watching tv.

I suspect that the choice you make has a lot to do with character.

WW2, please bear in mind that most people (about two thirds) don't end up in a care home - thankfully!

Nor me Whitewave

My Father had as severe stroke, heart attack and finally dementia.
He had begged my sister and I not to put him a care home ever!

As part of his job, my father had visited numerous care homes and saw what went on behind the scenes.

We kept our promise and he only went to into a nursing home for a few days before he passed away.

Dizzyblonde thank you for a thoughtful, informed and above all, humane response and ???for all you do.

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A thoughtless and dismissive remark Whitewave particularly for those on GN who may already be in sheltered accommodation or who may have a partner or family member in residential care.
Yes what we are seeing on the media is worrying, but so are people struggling with an elderly or sick partner at home, or living alone and relying on carers each day and the attendant risks that might involve.
Personally, I think cruise ships pose a much greater hazard but at least those choosing to cruise have made that choice and it is not a matter of necessity.
It might be an idea in future to think of the effect of your sweeping remarks on other people.

My mother was In a care Home for the last year of her life and hated every second of it. I visited every day to make sure things were as they should be. It was a newish Home and as good as it could be BUT each time I went she asked me to take her home. I did all I could to make her happy there. We were able to bring in her own furniture and curtains. She had lots of visitors and she was taken to her church every Sunday. I took her out for a walk most days in a wheelchair and down to th sea for an ice cream . I felt so guilty not having her home with me but it was impossible. All she wanted was her own bungalow. That’s all apart from the expense. I too hope I never go into a home. ?

The situation of people in homes in this emergency are no different from people in their own homes going into hospital.

If I became ill now, I would be stuck at home with my family unable to visit. I do have my DH with me, but if I was ill, it is highly probable that he would be as well. Two old people, alone, ill and without anyone with us, we would have no control of the situation.

If we went into hospital. our family would be stuck hundred's of miles away and they would not be able to be with us in hospital when we died, even if they lived next door. The situation is the same for all of us, at home or in Homes.

Whitewave How can you know you couldn't stand it, if you have no experience of care homes. I was responsible for the care of two childless aunts and uncles, who eventually ended in care. One of them, who did not have dementia, had founght going into care, struggling at home, unable to care for himself, despite having a marvellous carer. Eventually he had to go to hospital suffering from self-neglect. He then moved to residential care.He was really happy there and regretted that he hadn't gone in earlier. He was in care for over 6 years and was as happy as I had known him.

The other couple both had dementia and when we had to move them into care were at first quite convinced they were in a hotel on holiday and kept assuring the staff they would visit again. Later they thought it was their own home.

It would have made no difference to my mother in her care home whether we were there or not when she died a few years ago since she hadn’t known any of us for a few years. (Advanced dementia). But one of us was with her all the time anyway.

Having been heavily involved with 2 relatives with dementia (mother and FiL) for more years than I care to remember, including 24/7 care, I have actively stated in my Health and Welfare P of A that if I ever develop dementia, or any other condition where I’m unable to care for myself, I emphatically do not want my daughters to have the worry and burden of looking after me.
Just find me a reasonably nice care home, please - yes, they do exist. All those where relatives stayed were lovely, and no, they weren’t by any means the most expensive.

Your Mum was lucky to have such a caring family Whitewave not everyone is as fortunate. I understand your feelings in the present crisis but its not so bleak under more normal circumstances.
Your last sentence assumes that you will always be physically and mentally capable which is not the case for so many older people.

Doctors are visiting, people are not dying alone. I’ve personally held the hands of those dying until they slip away as have carers. They are not being dragged off to die in a hospital bed at the unthinking behest of relatives as has often happened before this. It has bought in a more thoughtful and compassionate system. We cannot and should not try to cheat death. I am grateful that, when I go out to a bed bound, advanced dementia, non verbal person with Parkinson’s who is breathing their last but without a DNACPR, I do not have to break their ribs, ram a tube down their throats and drill a needle into their bones but I am now allowed to hold their hands and give them medication to keep them comfortable.
I know which death I would prefer and would want for my loved ones.

Saw Ed Balls saying his mother is happy in her card home. Surely he, and others, have the capacity to fetch her home until this is all over? Or at least until the situation improves,

Our family keep their old and demented at home with them. I remember my great-granny sitting in the corner of the huge farm kitchen muttering about something or other till she was given a pan of potatoes to peel, or a basket of peas to shell.

That kept her happy for ages.

She had to be locked in her room at night or she would wander off and once was found fast asleep on some straw bakes in a barn of over-wintering cows.

Hey! The good old days - what?

I couldnt stand it.

Neither could my mother whom we nursed until her death at 101 in January. She was bed ridden towards the end of her life but remained independent until the end with us constantly at her bedside throughout the day she died.

The way we are treating our elderly folk in care homes at the moment is not the way a civilised society behaves. Families can’t visit, they are dying alone. It doesn’t matter how caring the home is it isn’t the persons family who can sit and gently see her into the next world.
No scrutiny is being carried out. Doctors aren’t visiting. The carers can’t protect themselves or the folk they are caring for.

At least if you are in your own home you have control of the situation.

Unfortunately as others have said you may not have a choice. My Mum, 4 years ago, suddenly lost the use of her legs and the only option was for her to go into care. She has a lovely room, is looked after very well and while it is not what she would choose is very happy. She will be 98 next Sunday. She has had no illness since being in there and is probably medically better than she was when at home. From the family's point of view we can relax more knowing she is safe.
In the four years she has been there the facility was locked down for 10 days with a flu outbreak one year. Other than that no issues until now and they are in lockdown but have no cases of CV so far.