Gransnet forums


Looking after Grandkids dilemna

(29 Posts)
Gran32 Wed 08-Jul-20 12:05:25

Hi all. I'm new here. I feel very confused. I've been shielding until recently as my steroid course ended so now my daughter is putting me under pressure to start having the kids again. She's never taken covid19 or me having rheumatoid disease seriously. Doesn't socially distance but expects help now. If I don't, she'll lose her job so I'm losing sleep. I know the rates are dropping but its still out there. 3 if my family members were very ill with Covid so I know how nasty it can be

B9exchange Wed 08-Jul-20 12:40:28

Only you can do your own risk assessment, but unless you live in a high risk area, (you can google to find out) your chances of getting it now are very slim.

I am more worried by you saying that she doesn't take your RA seriously, smacks of taking your help for granted. I think the question is 'do you actually want to/feel able to look after them?

What would she do if you had to start shielding again, she perhaps needs to explore other possibilities that she might have to use then?

Go with your gut feeling having weighed up the pros and cons?

Iam64 Wed 08-Jul-20 13:34:34

If you have RA I expect you are taking medication that reduces your immune system. If you are also over 60 the virus still poses serious threat to you. If you're over 70, even more so.
I was shielding and now classed as clinically highly vulnerable. I used to look after my grandchildren but both my daughters realise that isn't possible while this virus remains and before immunisation possible.
It s very tough I understand how upset and worried you feel. The cost of child care in this country is shameful, I understand the nurseries have to charge but I do believe the government should subsidise. As things are currently, many young parents may end up having to leave work as the invisible army of free child care is no longer available.

NotTooOld Wed 08-Jul-20 14:39:11

Don't be bullied, Gran32. Tell her you have had to start another steroid course so cannot have the children. Suggest she shares child care with a friend in a similar situation. Does she have a partner who could help?

FarNorth Wed 08-Jul-20 15:24:40

Ask your GP's advice.

FarNorth Wed 08-Jul-20 15:29:48

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound abrupt.
Your GP is best placed to advise you, tho.

Madgran77 Wed 08-Jul-20 15:32:48

I am so sorry Gran32. I think the deeper issue here is your daughter's apparent attitude towards you. I think you need to think carefully about what YOU want to do, feel able to do, feel safe to do ...then talk t your daughter about YOUR decision and why you have made it. flowers

Grandmafrench Wed 08-Jul-20 15:45:55

Every word, Madgran said.

Don't compromise your safety and be bullied into something which could result in your health being seriously at risk. Your body, your health, your choice.

Luckygirl Wed 08-Jul-20 15:51:14

She should not be putting you under pressure - we all understand how she must feel about the danger of losing her job; but she is someone who is not taking the situation seriously and does not socially distance.

Taking some advice from your GP would be wise; but please do not let yourself be bullied into anything you are not happy with. We are all having to make our own risk assessments. On balance, this does not sound a wise action.

Tangerine Wed 08-Jul-20 17:32:55

I think you should ask your GP or someone similar for their view.

It sounds to me, from what you've written, that your daughter is taking you a bit for granted.

Apart from Covid, RA is a rotten condition to have and I imagine it is not easy for you to look after your grandchildren.

Gran32 Wed 08-Jul-20 17:46:14

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate your advice. smile I will ask my GP. I did speak to my RA nurse and she said strict social distancing but was a little vague. So not sure how that would work. Yes she has unfortunately always taken me for granted and doesn't like me saying no and I blame us for making things too easy. But she's a single mom now so I feel I have to help. My hubby is dead against it but the stress and upset it will cause is too hard to bare. sad I think I will offer to continue to help with childcare costs as we did before and maybe walk home with the eldest whose at senior school too far away to get a bus. Gosh life is so complicated now

Gran32 Wed 08-Jul-20 17:48:18

I did think about that but don't want to lie. I have come off them so I can have more freedom. Not to look after the kids! My joints aren't good at the moment ..probably stress

TrendyNannie6 Wed 08-Jul-20 17:56:25

I have a compromised immune system (steriods ) I’m on them for life though, I used to look after my grandchildren but as soon as covid was all on news and long before I received shielding letter, my daughter told me there’s no way she would expect me to look after grandchildren, not that she ever expected me too, she was always so grateful that I helped out,and hearing that she doesn’t take your RA seriously, charming, she sounds very selfish! I wouldn’t be doing it,

eazybee Wed 08-Jul-20 18:00:14

I think if you can afford it, continue to help with childcare costs, not because you should but because it will give you peace of mind.

Gran32 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:03:42

**TrendyNannie6 she can be very selfish and also very kind. But she does like her own wayhmm

Gran32 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:05:39


I think if you can afford it, continue to help with childcare costs, not because you should but because it will give you peace of mind.

Yes. That maybe the answer and then just get the eldest from senior school although he's probably more of a risk than the little ones

Gran32 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:09:18

Iam64 I've even dropped my methotrexate so I'm not as vulnerable now. Then she drops this on me! I should have carried on with my drugs

FarNorth Wed 08-Jul-20 18:16:34

What about the stress and upset to your DH and you, constantly being worried about your health?
Will your DH put his foot down with your DD?

FarNorth Wed 08-Jul-20 18:18:08

But she's a single mom now so I feel I have to help.

Not at the risk of your health and maybe your life.

quizqueen Wed 08-Jul-20 18:24:38

Iam64, the government does actually subsidize childcare a lot. Nurseries do not make that much profit and most childcare workers are on little more than minimum wage.

Personally, I don't see why tax payers should be expected to fund other families' life choices. No one forces people to have children they can't afford to look after, whether they choose to work or not. I remember my parents both worked - dad during the day and mum p/t on an evening shift to cover my childcare needs themselves. No help from the government in the 1950s and 60s.

Gran32 Wed 08-Jul-20 18:40:10

@quizqueen she was married and he left. I disagree with your point of view, its very idealistic and unkind actually. We quite rightly have a social care system to help those less fortunate who like my daughter didn't plan to be a single mom. To compare times in the 60s is ridiculous . Women back then were oppressed compared to now and stayed in unhealthy unhappy marriages due to no other choice

Iam64 Wed 08-Jul-20 20:01:01

quiz queen, the government doesn't subsidise child care. I wish it did. We arent living in the 1950's and 60's, life is very different now. Young women aren't brought up to expect to work till they marry, the become "housewives" or work for "pin money". the have careers, they're MP's, doctors as well working in supermarkets or as carers. MPs and doctors earn enough to pay for some child care, carers and supermarket workers just don't.
The scandi countries that subsidise good quality child care have better outcomes than we do in terms of criminality, teenage pregnancy, drug/alcohol abuse. Investment in early years bring huge benefits .

Luckygirl Wed 08-Jul-20 20:43:47

Really you must look after yourself - you are as much worth looking after as any of your children or grandchildren. You do not have to sacrifice yourself by risking your health for your DD, and she should not be asking this of you.

If you feel it is too risky for you, then you have to say no. She really does not have the right to ask you to put yourself at risk.

Gran32 Thu 09-Jul-20 11:15:53

Thanks everyone. You've given me food for thought smile

Gran32 Mon 13-Jul-20 23:42:39

Hi all.
I lost the argument. Having the kids 2 mornings next week and then after school 2 evenings in September. Apparently loads of grandparents are looking after their grandkids now!hmm I have an appointment with my rheumatologist on Thursday so I'll see what he says.