Not allowed to give childcare

I don’t know what any of these struggling families do (work wise). Is it possible for one to start super early and one much later? Lots of companies are currently letting people choose more flexible hours these days. I’ve had two companies email me recently- one at 11.30pm and one at 5am, for example. My son-in-law is splitting his day with a long gap in the middle so he can do the “afternoon shift” with the children. It’s only about 3 hours but does work.

We have been looking after our 5 yr old GD right up until this new strain of the virus reared it's ugly head! But our son and DIL are now sending her to school as son is a Key worker and DIL is working from home. They are doing this because this new strain is so contagious and they want to keep us well. I miss having her so much but am so grateful that they are thinking of our safety. We do lots of FaceTime which helps. I just try to think of the lovely times we'll have together when things are back to normal, whatever the new normal is. {confused}

Biscuit you are so right to state that saying DD should sort it out with SIL is no help

SIL has a degree of OCD, so is very 'rule bound'

He has publicly said that he is delighted that we are now living nearer, and in September, just after we arrived, was only too happy for us to collect the children from school and have them here for a couple of hours so that DD could help him with some aspects of his work, which she does in addition to her own employment.

He isn't selfish per say, just has a different view of life, having been brought up in a rather old fashioned household where father was the breadwinner and mother did occasional voluntary work.

His job is extremely important, we understand that, and he has many pressures, and difficult people to deal with. In some ways he has been promoted before he was ready, but it is as it is.

There is minimal risk to there being a transference of the virus either way, as ostensibly we have all been self isolating since Christmas day.

This isn't about us being desperate to see the grandchildren, we have been 200 miles away from them until now, so could happily wait a little longer. It is just the fact that we could be helping out our DD

Meals and ironing?
SIL does the ironing, he always has done.
Meals, he helps out there a little as well.
It is just the childcare/supervision that he shuts off from while he is working in his study all day.

I know that many , many other families are in the same situation, it is just frustrating when I could be relieving them both a little by sticking to the rules but having the children occasionally.

If SIL is finding it difficult, maybe one sided can he enlist the help of his mother? To take turns with you?

Gwenisgreat1 his parents live 300 miles away

I agree with Biscuit that it only works if the men take as much responsibility as the women. Sadly, this isn’t the case in most families. I know of at least two where the men just lock themselves in a room and get on with their work while their wives are expected to work, teach the children, including sorting out the IT and look after the younger ones too. Without any noise of course. One has taken over his wife’s office/music room, the other has taken over the sitting room. What are these women to do?
One has certainly relied on her mother for a few hours childcare for her 2 year old.
Sadly, we don’t live in an ideal world.

I don't think it is against the 'rules' any longer.....after all, Boris has moved in Carrie's mother for childcare....and if its good enough for him, then it should be appropriate for everyone !

What are women to do when their husbands are completely selfish? Well, not what their grandmothers did. They should be sitting their husbands down for a serious talk. If your husband doesn't pull his weight, you show him the error of his ways until he gets it. There are lots of ways to do that. Running to mummy for help is not the solution.

All very sensible advice !! Suggest to DD that she discuss this with SIL - he may well have deeper reasons for this seemingly obstructive edict of his. It would help them both if he could look at that honestly - but not for you to get involved with his decisions - leave it to them and just say the you are willing and able to help out but you don't want/need to be part of their all day every day lives. He's scared of that so get DD to reassure him that that is NOT your agenda - is it ??

It is certainly within the rules to form a support bubble to help out during the hours of work so that both parents can get on with their jobs. It does seem the case that men in general are assuming that their wives will have no problem suddenly taking on full time child care as well as continuing their full time jobs, it seems a very blinkered approach. It sounds as though SiL does not value your daughter's job?

I agree that this is something they will have to discuss with themselves, and any pressure from you will just make him dig his heels in. All you can do is allow your daughter to vent to you, and say you are available at any time if they jointly would like you to help.

If I were in your daughter's shoes, I would be finding reasons to go out whilst he is working, and leaving him with the children (Sainsbury's for example only allowing one family member in at a time). She needs a bit of backbone, but only she can exert that.

I would like to help with my Grandchildren but my daughter is being cautious and also worried about us. Fair enough their children their decision no arguements from us

Oh dear, I have given wrong impressions, haven't I.

We all value my SIL and his job.

My DD isn't running to me.

I get on well with my SIL, and he is ready to ask for help at other times.
He does not see me as interfering, indeed he is happy to introduce me in his work setting as his MIL and has asked me to undertake a volunteer role within his work environment. This was a role that I was previously undertaking for someone else in our previous area, and I am happy to oblige.

All I would like to do is relieve them of some if the pressure that they, like many others ,are under.

To me this is a case of least said, soonest mended.

You have offered to help and have been told "no, thank you", how politely or not, I don' t know.

For everyone's sake accept this with as good a grace as you can muster.

If your daughter disagrees with her husband about this, then it is for her to deal with. Indeed I wondered whether she does agree with him, but felt that saying so would come better from him?

If she doesn't agree with him and feels you help is neccessary, then she will just have to close her ears to the children while she is working and let their Daddy deall with them.

That will soon change his mind for him!

Few men these days are contributing more to keeping the family than their wives, so I fail utterly to understand why your daughter plays along with her husband's work being more important tha n hers, or why she feels more responsible for their children than he does, but that is her business and neither yours nor mine.

I think that I said in my original post, there are no answeres, and I'm certainly not going to interfere in their lives and their decisions.
Perhaps I used this forum in the wrong way just reacting to a dark day

It's not just childcare though is it? The 6 year old - and maybe the 4yo - should be doing schoolwork at home at the moment; would you be up for that and do you have what is needed if they have online classes (eg computers for both in 2 different quiet areas?
Otoh, Im not sure how they are doing that and working - although from couples I know it does seem to be left to the mother to do it. So maybe hes just being a controlling dinosaur - perhaps hes not happy with his wife working and is trying to get her to cut down her hours or quit.

But also your meet up last week was not under the permitted excercise rules, which allows you to meet with one other person from outside your household or bubble, and that inculdes children, - so maybe he is worried that youbare not sticking to the rules?

But as others have said, don't get involved. Letting yor daughter know you are there if wanted is as much as you can do.

Riggie our exercise last week was entirely within the rules.
This time around under 11 year olds do not count , so we were totally with the rules.

DD has actuslly given in her notice she did so before this lockdown, but has to work until towards the end of February.
Her job was not what she was expecting, and indeed when she handed in her resignation she was told there was no surprise as she is too intellegent for that post.
They will all be happier when she doesnt work, but that doesn't help for the next few weeks when she is obliged to complete her work and to leave everything in order for her replacement.

As for our SIL his job is very important and very pressured

Oh yes, totally able to help children access learning, but not expecting to take over the parents role there.
Just would be happy to have them occassionally to give parents some child free time to complete the amount of work that is piling up

It is so very difficult deciding what is the right thing to do in these strange times but as your DD is struggling with homeschooling and WFH, perhaps you could help out in other way. We have picked up the homeschooling again as we did last time the schools were closed. We each spend 2 to 3 hours each day on FaceTime and WhatsApp helping our two older GS with the work from their school. It helps out DD and we have daily contact with the boys.

I think lincolnimp many here have not read the whole thread. I can see now you just wanted to let off a bit of steam.

If someone is perhaps OCD and finds change difficult then it’s easier in his head to have the children at home.
It won’t be long till the end of February and then you will all feel much better.

aquafish, we are in a similar position to you. Our DS, DIL and 2 GC live at the other end of the country. They want to move in with us for 2 weeks so that we can help out with home schooling. Ds works from home, DIL doesn't work yet is finding it very stressful coping with the 2 GC full time. We obviously would like to help out. They would get tested before they came, but I am very uneasy because:
1. It is breaking the law
2. Even though they will be tested there is a change of spreading the virus

NotSpaghetti thank you

Your daughter could show her husband the Government Guidance about Childcare Bubbles and they could discuss it. Where both parents are trying to work from home, I am sure they would fit the criteria for a bubble so if it is the rules that he is worried about, problem solved. If he is still resistant then it is because he doesn't want things to be any different and your daughter has to decide what to do about that. Beyond offering, you can do no more than let your daughter vent when she needs to. Make soothing noises but don't involve yourself in their argument as that is a sure way for things to come back and bite you on the backside!

Ds and dil worked things out pretty well during first lockdown. One of them would be homeschooling the boys (5 & 7) during the morning while the other worked. After lunch was exercise and family time, then the parent who hadn’t worked in the morning worked in the evening. They alternated weeks so both could have input into the home schooling/not have to work in the evening. Longer days but everyone was happy with how it worked.

If they are both wgh and homeschooling then he has to step up and do his share. My niece's husband has been starting his wfh at 6am every morning and she sorts out children and homeschooling and at 11am they swap over, she logs on to work and he takes over children and homeschooling. My niece works until 4pm when they swap over again. At this point her husband has chopped all veg for dinner and prepped meal. He is s brilliant book. My niece then finishes cooking meal whilst he finishes his hours at 7pm. He stops to share meal then he gets children bathed and ready for bed and puts on a load of washing whilst my niece finished her hours.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.