Not allowed to give childcare

It is so very difficult deciding what is the right thing to do in these strange times but as your DD is struggling with homeschooling and WFH, perhaps you could help out in other way. We have picked up the homeschooling again as we did last time the schools were closed. We each spend 2 to 3 hours each day on FaceTime and WhatsApp helping our two older GS with the work from their school. It helps out DD and we have daily contact with the boys.

Oh yes, totally able to help children access learning, but not expecting to take over the parents role there.
Just would be happy to have them occassionally to give parents some child free time to complete the amount of work that is piling up

Riggie our exercise last week was entirely within the rules.
This time around under 11 year olds do not count , so we were totally with the rules.

DD has actuslly given in her notice she did so before this lockdown, but has to work until towards the end of February.
Her job was not what she was expecting, and indeed when she handed in her resignation she was told there was no surprise as she is too intellegent for that post.
They will all be happier when she doesnt work, but that doesn't help for the next few weeks when she is obliged to complete her work and to leave everything in order for her replacement.

As for our SIL his job is very important and very pressured

It's not just childcare though is it? The 6 year old - and maybe the 4yo - should be doing schoolwork at home at the moment; would you be up for that and do you have what is needed if they have online classes (eg computers for both in 2 different quiet areas?
Otoh, Im not sure how they are doing that and working - although from couples I know it does seem to be left to the mother to do it. So maybe hes just being a controlling dinosaur - perhaps hes not happy with his wife working and is trying to get her to cut down her hours or quit.

But also your meet up last week was not under the permitted excercise rules, which allows you to meet with one other person from outside your household or bubble, and that inculdes children, - so maybe he is worried that youbare not sticking to the rules?

But as others have said, don't get involved. Letting yor daughter know you are there if wanted is as much as you can do.

I think that I said in my original post, there are no answeres, and I'm certainly not going to interfere in their lives and their decisions.
Perhaps I used this forum in the wrong way just reacting to a dark day

To me this is a case of least said, soonest mended.

You have offered to help and have been told "no, thank you", how politely or not, I don' t know.

For everyone's sake accept this with as good a grace as you can muster.

If your daughter disagrees with her husband about this, then it is for her to deal with. Indeed I wondered whether she does agree with him, but felt that saying so would come better from him?

If she doesn't agree with him and feels you help is neccessary, then she will just have to close her ears to the children while she is working and let their Daddy deall with them.

That will soon change his mind for him!

Few men these days are contributing more to keeping the family than their wives, so I fail utterly to understand why your daughter plays along with her husband's work being more important tha n hers, or why she feels more responsible for their children than he does, but that is her business and neither yours nor mine.

Oh dear, I have given wrong impressions, haven't I.

We all value my SIL and his job.

My DD isn't running to me.

I get on well with my SIL, and he is ready to ask for help at other times.
He does not see me as interfering, indeed he is happy to introduce me in his work setting as his MIL and has asked me to undertake a volunteer role within his work environment. This was a role that I was previously undertaking for someone else in our previous area, and I am happy to oblige.

All I would like to do is relieve them of some if the pressure that they, like many others ,are under.

I would like to help with my Grandchildren but my daughter is being cautious and also worried about us. Fair enough their children their decision no arguements from us

It is certainly within the rules to form a support bubble to help out during the hours of work so that both parents can get on with their jobs. It does seem the case that men in general are assuming that their wives will have no problem suddenly taking on full time child care as well as continuing their full time jobs, it seems a very blinkered approach. It sounds as though SiL does not value your daughter's job?

I agree that this is something they will have to discuss with themselves, and any pressure from you will just make him dig his heels in. All you can do is allow your daughter to vent to you, and say you are available at any time if they jointly would like you to help.

If I were in your daughter's shoes, I would be finding reasons to go out whilst he is working, and leaving him with the children (Sainsbury's for example only allowing one family member in at a time). She needs a bit of backbone, but only she can exert that.

All very sensible advice !! Suggest to DD that she discuss this with SIL - he may well have deeper reasons for this seemingly obstructive edict of his. It would help them both if he could look at that honestly - but not for you to get involved with his decisions - leave it to them and just say the you are willing and able to help out but you don't want/need to be part of their all day every day lives. He's scared of that so get DD to reassure him that that is NOT your agenda - is it ??

What are women to do when their husbands are completely selfish? Well, not what their grandmothers did. They should be sitting their husbands down for a serious talk. If your husband doesn't pull his weight, you show him the error of his ways until he gets it. There are lots of ways to do that. Running to mummy for help is not the solution.

I don't think it is against the 'rules' any longer.....after all, Boris has moved in Carrie's mother for childcare....and if its good enough for him, then it should be appropriate for everyone !

I agree with Biscuit that it only works if the men take as much responsibility as the women. Sadly, this isn’t the case in most families. I know of at least two where the men just lock themselves in a room and get on with their work while their wives are expected to work, teach the children, including sorting out the IT and look after the younger ones too. Without any noise of course. One has taken over his wife’s office/music room, the other has taken over the sitting room. What are these women to do?
One has certainly relied on her mother for a few hours childcare for her 2 year old.
Sadly, we don’t live in an ideal world.

Gwenisgreat1 his parents live 300 miles away

If SIL is finding it difficult, maybe one sided can he enlist the help of his mother? To take turns with you?

Biscuit you are so right to state that saying DD should sort it out with SIL is no help

SIL has a degree of OCD, so is very 'rule bound'

He has publicly said that he is delighted that we are now living nearer, and in September, just after we arrived, was only too happy for us to collect the children from school and have them here for a couple of hours so that DD could help him with some aspects of his work, which she does in addition to her own employment.

He isn't selfish per say, just has a different view of life, having been brought up in a rather old fashioned household where father was the breadwinner and mother did occasional voluntary work.

His job is extremely important, we understand that, and he has many pressures, and difficult people to deal with. In some ways he has been promoted before he was ready, but it is as it is.

There is minimal risk to there being a transference of the virus either way, as ostensibly we have all been self isolating since Christmas day.

This isn't about us being desperate to see the grandchildren, we have been 200 miles away from them until now, so could happily wait a little longer. It is just the fact that we could be helping out our DD

Meals and ironing?
SIL does the ironing, he always has done.
Meals, he helps out there a little as well.
It is just the childcare/supervision that he shuts off from while he is working in his study all day.

I know that many , many other families are in the same situation, it is just frustrating when I could be relieving them both a little by sticking to the rules but having the children occasionally.

We have been looking after our 5 yr old GD right up until this new strain of the virus reared it's ugly head! But our son and DIL are now sending her to school as son is a Key worker and DIL is working from home. They are doing this because this new strain is so contagious and they want to keep us well. I miss having her so much but am so grateful that they are thinking of our safety. We do lots of FaceTime which helps. I just try to think of the lovely times we'll have together when things are back to normal, whatever the new normal is. {confused}

I don’t know what any of these struggling families do (work wise). Is it possible for one to start super early and one much later? Lots of companies are currently letting people choose more flexible hours these days. I’ve had two companies email me recently- one at 11.30pm and one at 5am, for example. My son-in-law is splitting his day with a long gap in the middle so he can do the “afternoon shift” with the children. It’s only about 3 hours but does work.

My SIL was a bit obstructive when I wanted to continue to pick my 5 yr old GS up from school when the new variant began. He was absolutely correct that my Nana gene was overiding my common sense, and I was putting myself at risk.
The situation has changed with school closed and parents WFH, both with busy jobs. So I offered to help if they needed me and said no more. I'm taking my GS 4 mornings a week for now.
I pick him up from the doorstep and don't go in their house, which I assume meets the 'no social contact' in the rules. We are on all very careful and don't mess with this virus.

CleoPanda - I'm sure thousands of other families are managing, people with supportive partners and happy marriages will be. There will be thousands of families who are not, and who for the sake of their own mental health and the mental health of the children need help.

My DD is clearly really struggling with part time hours from home and 2 under fives. My D SiL works full time from home. I have been asked to think about having the children 5 days a week to help them out short term but they live at the other end of the country. I can’t see how this would be practical or helpful for anyone especially until we get the vaccine. You can only be there for your family, albeit virtually at present and look forward to brighter times ahead. I hope you are glad you made the move nearer to the family, something I do consider.

Good idea regarding meals and laundry Riccib123 - I think that’s a good way to help without interfering. I have done that for my family now and then.

You could also (funds/resources permitting) put together little things to do for the children. Things they won’t need help with, obviously!

Would it be possible to take the children out for a walk for maybe an hour a few times a week. The fresh air will be good for them and will give your daughter a short break.

Isn’t the message clear enough? We should not be mixing households unless absolutely necessary.
There are two parents working from home who need to organise their days to supervise two children.
There is no need for a bubble which then introduces another person into the household.
Daughter needs to have a serious discussion with husband.
Thousands of other families are managing?

*I wondered that as well Daftapath
If he does not want to do his share of the childcare, I think he should think of his wife and let her Mother help.
One of my pet hates is people who take the moral high ground but are not prepared to help or take their share of the responsibility.