Feeder Partner/Husband

Don't think he is doing it to make Grammy happy! I suspect he has a different agenda !

V3ra That is the point isn't it? Its our future as well. I want to delay becoming a widow as long as possible.

I sometimes think that they are afraid that if they try they may fail, so undermine themselves from the beginning so that they never get started.

For someone like me whose automatic response to a problem is to find a solution and implement it, it is very frustrating.

Sorry but you can’t blame someone else for your weight gain/ inability to lose weight.

If he brings stuff in, just don’t eat it.

You are the one giving in to temptation he's not forcing food down your throat

At the end of the day, it's all a mind thing. If you thought about the food you loathe, you'll see my point. Keep the peace in your home, it's not worth the hassle or hurt of assigning blame.

Skydancer The solution for you (and the OP) sounds simple in theory i.e. You have to want the health benefits of a better diet more than you want the sweet or high fat stuff. When you accept that distinction you will find the resolve to either reject the foods you know are not good for you or to 'eat, drink and be merry' and to hell with the consequences! In theory, it's simply a decision you make. At the moment, you want the sweet/fatty stuff more than you want to lose weight/be healthy. You admit that in your post. So you choose to eat that way. It's your choice, even though it's your partner buying the stuff. He's not helping you but he's not force feeding you either. It's you that actually puts the food you know is bad for you into your mouth. You could look at the snacks he buys and say to yourself, 'I won't eat that.' Once you make that decision, you will stick to it. It gets easier as time goes by and you see the weight loss and feel the health benefits.

Sorry everyone, if this sounds a bit smug, but it's true. It's not easy though...

You are being unreasonable. If he wants treats just use your willpower to resist them. Surely you don't have to eat them just because you have seen them

You may think 'He's a lovely man'. but he's inconsiderate and possibly consciously sabotaging you. Stop addressing his behaviour (its a waste of time and energy from the sound of it). People call them 'comfort' foods etc but in your position they are discomfort food. Keep that in mind. You know they harm you. Put yourself first. (Sorry to be preachy but I've learnt the hard way).

I'd let him eat what he likes - but away from home. You could agree that only healthy stuff comes through the door. Do your own shopping and, if he goes, it's eaten before he gets back. My parents had that arrangement.

This brought back fond memories of trips to the fish and chips shop ('Don't tell your mother!') with Dad - as Mum was on Weight Watchers (permanently, it seemed).

The trouble was, we'd go out 'for a walk' while she cooked dinner - then arrive home, stuffed to the gills, and have to force down another meal!

I know this doesn't help, but why on earth, Grammy, have you put up with this for 45 years?

We have no alcohol in the house, as DH is an alcoholic who has made and kept the decision not to drink.

Your husband should be helping you, but he isn't.

He doesn't listen to what you say, so now is the time to DO something.

1 Buy and cook your own food and nothing for him

2 make it clear you will share your food with him, if he promises the following:

to clear a cupboard in the kitchen or somewhere else in the house and keep all his sweets, cakes, biscuits etc etc. there and only there

Not to eat any of it in front of you.

Never to tell you that he has chocolates or other tempting stuff in his cupboard.

Tell him frankly that his attitude over this has hurt you for years. It makes you feel he neither listens to you, nor respects your opinions and wishes.

Be blunt, but calm and polite.

Any of his foodstuff that you find anywhere else than in his cupboard - which you do not go into - goes straight into the bin.

I would love the occasional glass of wine or a beer, but DH means much more to me than indulging myself in something that is dangerous for him.

Show your husband this thread. It might just help.

And ask him why you should risk type 2 diabetes because he won't try to help you overcome a weakness?

I do feel for you. You have to develop a stubborn streak and take delight in eating what you like. I would eat celery as a snack everytime he munched on chocolate. Its really annoyingly noisy ?

My ex-husband was a feeder. When I went to Slimmers World the first time and lost 3 stone,he left me. Looking back I think the feeding was a form of control.

He might buy the things, but do you really have to eat them ?
If you can stick to a diet and lose weight, you can surely stick to rationing what sweet things you eat ?
I think he has low self esteem - you lose weight and he has something stuck in his head that because you are now obviously more attractive - even though you were before, that you will attract other men like bees round a honey pot and eventually leave!
Did something in his past lead him to believe this would happen ?
Encourage him to go out for walks with you or invest in a treadmill. How about trying to persuade him just to go shopping with you or just shop online and allow a couple of treats just at the weekend, not during the week. If he brings in chocolate, hide it then bring it out on a Friday evening!
There is a lot of ways that you can hide veg in recipes - try and make sure that you do as much cooking from scratch as you can - batch bake and put some in the freezer so that you won't need to use ready meals.
Whatever you do, make a plan and stick to it - he may well have a few tantrums but with your encouragement he will hopefully come round to your way of thinking !

The will power must come from you and every time he leaves things out put in cupboard, he will soon get fed up of it. I've become a vegan due to allergies and hubby still buys me inappropriate treats or offers despite being a vegan for 18 months, so I thought I could change things. When shopping I only bough vegan ingredients and treats, he went nuts. I told him he could now offer treats that I can say yes too, hence he doesn't offer as much. X

Don't put sugary things out for the birds, just bin them straight away. If he sees that he is just wasting money it might help.
Perhaps he thinks that if you lose weight you will be more attractive to other men?
I don't think he will change after all this time; he is the one who needs help to see that he might be driving you away.

I'd put everything he brought me straight in the bin, or to birds, making sure he sees me do it. He'll soon learn never to bring you anything. Be strong and good luck.

I think GrandeTanteJE65 has a very wise approach. My husband likes all that "junk food" too, but I ask him to keep it in the basement which is his space for watching TV. And he does--out of sight, out of mind for me. I also think "yuck" when I think of store bought sweets and that has worked over time to lessen their appeal--that approach helped me quit smoking many many years ago too. Good luck, it's a difficult situation!

Maybe read a copy of Bright Line Eating by the neuroscience Susan Pierce Thompson, totally explains link between repeated failures in weight loss to sugar and flour. Very easy to read and illuminating- then tell your husband all about it. This book changed my life - not an over statement.

lizzypopbottle

Skydancer The solution for you (and the OP) sounds simple in theory i.e. You have to want the health benefits of a better diet more than you want the sweet or high fat stuff. When you accept that distinction you will find the resolve to either reject the foods you know are not good for you or to 'eat, drink and be merry' and to hell with the consequences! In theory, it's simply a decision you make. At the moment, you want the sweet/fatty stuff more than you want to lose weight/be healthy. You admit that in your post. So you choose to eat that way. It's your choice, even though it's your partner buying the stuff. He's not helping you but he's not force feeding you either. It's you that actually puts the food you know is bad for you into your mouth. You could look at the snacks he buys and say to yourself, 'I won't eat that.' Once you make that decision, you will stick to it. It gets easier as time goes by and you see the weight loss and feel the health benefits.

Sorry everyone, if this sounds a bit smug, but it's true. It's not easy though...

Yes , it does sound smug . This post and 1 or 2 others show a lack of sensitivity around the problems of eating disorders.Yes - anorexia and bulimia are not the only disorders. Would you leave a glass of wine on your alcoholic partners desk? I doubt it.The OP s husband is thoughtless and unsupportive.

I know exactly where you're coming from Grammy666. It's incredibly difficult to keep up the self control when your other half is trying to scupper your diet.

I have disabilities due to chronic pain and so cannot just walk off the calories, and my issues are worse due to be being so heavy. Every time I start a different diet my DH insists on joining me, then buys everything not allowed and goes back to eating a rubbish diet within a day or two.

I wouldn't mind but as I have to depend on someone else in the family cooking for me most days, he will bring home crisps etc, then say he doesn't want a cooked meal, so it's the crisps or nothing.

When I was diagnosed as diabetic he brought home some cakes, including 1 for me. I was really annoyed and asked him what he was playing at. His response was that I might as well get one last treat in before I had to go without.

I explained with as much patience as I could muster, that I hadn’t planned on turning diabetic tomorrow or next week, it doesn't work like that. It's taken me years to get him to just do me 2 pieces of toast, rather than 4 at at a time.

He has an enormous appetite and regularly hits the fridge 20 minutes after a large meal. He also stops in several shops throughout the day but denies eating anything. We joke that he's trying to kill me slowly.

Before I became disabled I was a yoyo dieter and can eat far less than most people yet still slowly gain weight. Therefore I know it's not all his fault, but it's near impossible to keep up a diet where I'm having to eat so little that I'm almost constantly hungry, when being offered junk food all the time.

If somebody loves you - they always want the best for you. Why do people continue to live with partners that don't - that actively try to harm you instead?

I feel very sorry for you - he’s being selfish isn’t he. My husband and I have differing eating needs - I have various items which I can’t eat as they don’t agree with me, but we sometimes simply agree to eat differently. He gets his and I get mine, although most days we do eat the same together.

V3ra

M0nica it's so hard to switch off isn't it?
Our GP practice nurse once told me that fretting about my husband's weight and lack of motivation to do anything about it was causing me stress and that was contributing to my raised cholesterol levels.
She said he was a big boy and needed to take responsibility for his own health. I said the trouble is that's my future you're talking about ?
But I did take her advice onboard and switched off from his weight issues.

Incidentally my Mum used to blame me for him being overweight: "Why do you let him eat so much?" ?

Yes, I get this too. "You're obviously looking after him a little too well," and similar.
On this subject, some of you may be interested in a book I read on kindle called "Dying To Be Slim" by Anna Beverley (or Abby). Anyway, it addressed the Feeder issue. Was funny too.

Let your husband go on as he is. You could change your behavior. Buy him ready made meals and you purchase the foods that are right for you and make your own meals. You can eat together as you will put his ready made meal in the microwave so it can come to table at the same time.

In my house i have two eggs for breakfast at 10.00 and leave a vegetable soup in the slow cook pot for husband's lunch. I don't have lunch but make an early evening meal for both of us.

So much easier if things don't come into the house or they are kept away from you. Yes you have the ultimate responsibility but it's not as simple as that, is it. As others have said it's like leaving bottles of booze around when there is an alcoholic in the house,.
For sure there are health implications, could you see abkut getting blood tests to see how close you are to diabetes perhaps and high cholesterol , taking your blood pressure over a week or so is something easy you can do, as well as working out bmi, and waist and asking the doc to give you an honest opinion on your health, and you will be able to tell husband if the news is bad, and his reaction will tell you a lot about his motivation
Even if the news is not bad you want to keep it that way obviously.