Feeder Partner/Husband

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I am not sure I am obsessive about checking each morning, more a question of needing to know if ringing a doctor is necessary.

To be fair to my DH, he is not a stuffer or non-stop eater, He doesn't eat in the car, nor does he eat at his desk or snack on sweet things, except for mince pies in season. He get a good mixed diet at home. His problem is more portion control. Too much butter on bread, bowls of cereal, overfilled and high calorie brands. Probably only one snack between meals - and that is cheese - or fruit but the portions are large. It is like alcohol. He can go months without drinking, and rarely drinks when out, but he usually drinks half a bottle most evenings. I see all the bottles, so I know he has decided that 2 glasses of wine is enough and that is all he drinks. The alcohol consumption is not that high, but the calorie value is.. It is not a lack of control or addiction. When he is in the mood to cut back, he will and can. He looses a stone, then gets bored and starts eating moreI it is just a lack of willingness to address the issue

I know there is nothing I can do, DH knows how I feel about his weight and it is entirely up to him what he does. But when the emergency arrives I will be the one that has to deal with it, as i did when he had a heart attack and bypass surgery.

M0nica

The problem Scotsmum is you cannot switch off the knowledge that your DH has eating habits that are doing him harm and that, waking each morning, the first thing you do is check to see if he has had died in the night from a heart attack/stroke.

I totally agree with you about the hyper-vigilance aspect and it applies to all addictions. I absolutely understand that - I've been there myself. Which is why I had to learn that we ourselves risk sliding into codependency by the obsessive monitoring of someone else's behaviour.

I had to learn that arguing, pleading, threatening etc is wasted breath. It is not our job to nag someone into recovery - it never works. People only change when they want to, if they want to. And yes it's heartbreaking to see a loved one choosing to go down a self-destructive path. All we can do is support when they ask us to.

I had to learn that addiction is an illness which doesn't just affect the sufferer but all the family too. When denial is strong then I had step away from the addiction (easier said than done when you live with it) and put clear boundaries in place. State what is acceptable and what is not - and mean it.

It boils down to self-respect: are I going to allow myself to be taken hostage by someone else's addiction until I am used up and destroyed by it? Or am I going to say, you are free to do as you wish in this - but I also have equal rights.

Difficult. And everyone has their own path. I'm only sharing a little of what I learned over many years.

Hetty58

Old post - from November 2021 - so why revive it now???

Whilst OP has does absolutely nothing wrong, it is rather odd to start a thread (in this case November 21), then not comment again until eight months later (July 22) and then return again a further four months later.

Grammy 666, don't worry, I hadn't seen this pistol before and it's still relevant to lots.

Please don't feed the poor birds, things they shouldn't have. Give everything in packets or secure wrapping to the food bank, everything else his give to a neighbour or bin and stick to it. Be as stubborn as him. You have to have more self control as you can't let him ruin your health. I would be so annoyed with him, he would definitely get the message.

Doesn't matter when threads are posted Hetty, sometimes it's just browsing around the site that you come across something that interests you ,or you may not have seen before and you would like to comment .There really wasn't any need for you to comment !
Grammy 666, please don't apologise , and keep posting .

I was once knew a lady who loved her sweet treats. When she saw me eating salads and healthy food she told me that she simply went up a dress size when her clothes didn't fit anymore and wouldn't eat what I ate. Hey! Ho!

Dosent matter how long ago the thread was first posted grammy so don’t worry about it, carry on.

The problem Scotsmum is you cannot switch off the knowledge that your DH has eating habits that are doing him harm and that, waking each morning, the first thing you do is check to see if he has had died in the night from a heart attack/stroke.

@Grammy666,
Please don't apologise - I hadn't seen the thread before - and never even looked at the date. This is very relevant to me as it happens. I have a husband in recovery like some others, and he will bring back two packs of six Tunnocks caramel wafer biscuits and say, I bought these for you - then demolishes a whole pack of six. It's very hard. He is often being advised to lose weight but he just can't seem to switch off the addict part of his brain. I apply the mantra, I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it - learnt that in Alanon.
It's hard as I need to get weight off to help my own health improve, so it's not funny. Don't give it up, it'll be worth it in the end.

So sorry , Im not very savvy with on line stuff and bit stressed at the moment .. so cut me some slack ... and I wont post anymore...

Old post - from November 2021 - so why revive it now???

I feel its as bad as feeding alcohol to someone who wants to go Tee Total... He has taken no notice of me asking him to stop this behaviour ... I really resent this ....

Thank you for all the helpful comments ... I realise that we are totally incompatible in the Food department ! .. He likes full and bursting cupboards , freezer loaded with tubs of ice cream, so many microwave meals , he doesn't actually know what is in the cupboards because he can see into them and often buys more stuff !... This makes me feel very stressed , I like simple food cooked at home and the occasional treat, .. the sight of the fridge bursting with rubbish makes me feel out of control and unable to avoid all the cakes ... I can't resolve this .. he just doesn't hear me ... and I think this is part of his Dementia behaviour ...

The way we both lost weight, at a sensible rate of a couple of pounds a month, was to cut down on unhealthy food and alcohol but not deny ourselves completely - that is in itself a form of self-sabotage. A takeaway once a month is not going to hurt much but a couple a week will soon cause weight gain. Allow yourself a few treats but not too many - as for your unsupportive husband, I'd tell him to go forth and multiply personally

* 200

In my house i have two eggs for breakfast at 10.00 and leave a vegetable soup in the slow cook pot for husband's lunch. I don't have lunch

I wouldn’t want to get out of bed in a morning! ?
2 eggs till supper time? Is that it? Do you eat toast with them?
Less than 20 calories.
I’d be light headed.

Gah!

So much easier if things don't come into the house or they are kept away from you. Yes you have the ultimate responsibility but it's not as simple as that, is it. As others have said it's like leaving bottles of booze around when there is an alcoholic in the house,.
For sure there are health implications, could you see abkut getting blood tests to see how close you are to diabetes perhaps and high cholesterol , taking your blood pressure over a week or so is something easy you can do, as well as working out bmi, and waist and asking the doc to give you an honest opinion on your health, and you will be able to tell husband if the news is bad, and his reaction will tell you a lot about his motivation
Even if the news is not bad you want to keep it that way obviously.

Let your husband go on as he is. You could change your behavior. Buy him ready made meals and you purchase the foods that are right for you and make your own meals. You can eat together as you will put his ready made meal in the microwave so it can come to table at the same time.

In my house i have two eggs for breakfast at 10.00 and leave a vegetable soup in the slow cook pot for husband's lunch. I don't have lunch but make an early evening meal for both of us.

V3ra

M0nica it's so hard to switch off isn't it?
Our GP practice nurse once told me that fretting about my husband's weight and lack of motivation to do anything about it was causing me stress and that was contributing to my raised cholesterol levels.
She said he was a big boy and needed to take responsibility for his own health. I said the trouble is that's my future you're talking about ?
But I did take her advice onboard and switched off from his weight issues.

Incidentally my Mum used to blame me for him being overweight: "Why do you let him eat so much?" ?

Yes, I get this too. "You're obviously looking after him a little too well," and similar.
On this subject, some of you may be interested in a book I read on kindle called "Dying To Be Slim" by Anna Beverley (or Abby). Anyway, it addressed the Feeder issue. Was funny too.

I feel very sorry for you - he’s being selfish isn’t he. My husband and I have differing eating needs - I have various items which I can’t eat as they don’t agree with me, but we sometimes simply agree to eat differently. He gets his and I get mine, although most days we do eat the same together.

If somebody loves you - they always want the best for you. Why do people continue to live with partners that don't - that actively try to harm you instead?

I know exactly where you're coming from Grammy666. It's incredibly difficult to keep up the self control when your other half is trying to scupper your diet.

I have disabilities due to chronic pain and so cannot just walk off the calories, and my issues are worse due to be being so heavy. Every time I start a different diet my DH insists on joining me, then buys everything not allowed and goes back to eating a rubbish diet within a day or two.

I wouldn't mind but as I have to depend on someone else in the family cooking for me most days, he will bring home crisps etc, then say he doesn't want a cooked meal, so it's the crisps or nothing.

When I was diagnosed as diabetic he brought home some cakes, including 1 for me. I was really annoyed and asked him what he was playing at. His response was that I might as well get one last treat in before I had to go without.

I explained with as much patience as I could muster, that I hadn’t planned on turning diabetic tomorrow or next week, it doesn't work like that. It's taken me years to get him to just do me 2 pieces of toast, rather than 4 at at a time.

He has an enormous appetite and regularly hits the fridge 20 minutes after a large meal. He also stops in several shops throughout the day but denies eating anything. We joke that he's trying to kill me slowly.

Before I became disabled I was a yoyo dieter and can eat far less than most people yet still slowly gain weight. Therefore I know it's not all his fault, but it's near impossible to keep up a diet where I'm having to eat so little that I'm almost constantly hungry, when being offered junk food all the time.

lizzypopbottle

Skydancer The solution for you (and the OP) sounds simple in theory i.e. You have to want the health benefits of a better diet more than you want the sweet or high fat stuff. When you accept that distinction you will find the resolve to either reject the foods you know are not good for you or to 'eat, drink and be merry' and to hell with the consequences! In theory, it's simply a decision you make. At the moment, you want the sweet/fatty stuff more than you want to lose weight/be healthy. You admit that in your post. So you choose to eat that way. It's your choice, even though it's your partner buying the stuff. He's not helping you but he's not force feeding you either. It's you that actually puts the food you know is bad for you into your mouth. You could look at the snacks he buys and say to yourself, 'I won't eat that.' Once you make that decision, you will stick to it. It gets easier as time goes by and you see the weight loss and feel the health benefits.

Sorry everyone, if this sounds a bit smug, but it's true. It's not easy though...

Yes , it does sound smug . This post and 1 or 2 others show a lack of sensitivity around the problems of eating disorders.Yes - anorexia and bulimia are not the only disorders. Would you leave a glass of wine on your alcoholic partners desk? I doubt it.The OP s husband is thoughtless and unsupportive.