Educating Young People About Acceptance

He’s not in the clique and hasn’t got the confidence to get involved, he must persist. If he is good at golf encourage him to train hard and become the best, they will want him on their team then.
There is an autistic trait in many successful people because they concentrate on their activity and become skilled, although many are not especially sociable

I think it can be very difficult to make boys of that age behave as well as we would like them to, many problems arise because boys (and girls) will change their behaviour to fit in with the group and clearly you might not want that either. It's really sad to see any child treated as an "outsider" but focusing on helping him develop his own social skills and confidence so he copes well is probably better. My guess is that if you were able to talk to each of those boys on their own they'd be quite different, much more accepting of difference etc but in a groups, sadly you get group behaviour and it can be pretty vile. I hope your grandson continues to enjoy his golf despite the rest of the group.

Sorry to hear this JMcD, kids can be cruel.

I think Katie59 makes some good points, so yes he should keep at it.

I am wondering if the person in charge of the group could help the others interact with him in a more inclusive manner? Perhaps an adult setting an example may help.

Good luck.

I think that children are educated about acceptance - certainly at the school where I a governor.

At sports day yesterday a little girl with special needs was helped by all her class mates to be a full participant; and one Yr 6 boy ran alongside a little reception boy who was struggling. It is part of what the school is about.

Lots of schools have and strive for the Quality Mark for values; and there are organisations that have created multi academy trusts based around values.

I am sorry to hear that your GS was outside the group. Does he mind about this? Did he give any sign that he wanted to be included? Some children with autistic traits find it hard to be in a group, especially of they are messing about, which your GS might find disturbing. He may find it safer to concentrate on what he is doing. It is worth considering that your GS might possibly view the situation differently from those looking on from the outside, as he will be looking at the world through autistic eyes.

My high-functioning autistic GD has a few friends but does not like going around in a group - she finds that too much to cope with.

Boys of that age can be difficult, especially in a gang situation as they want to be cool.

My neurodiverse GC has been beaten up, bullied relentlessly and had little understanding from some teachers.

They now hate school and it’s a drama to get them there each day, which is a shame as they are top of the class in many subjects which is yet another proverbial stick to beat them with by their peers.

We all know the agony of feeling for someone we love, but I think you’re reading too much into it.

A group of teenage boys? The only person any one of them was thinking about was himself and the impression he was making and his own position in the group.

Anyone standing the edge would be left there, not just your grandson. It’s the way it works at that age.

I don’t remember any overt bullying at my school but I do remember that certain girls were pretty much ostracised because they were ‘different’ or didn’t fit in. It has been going on forever and not just amongst kids, either. Cliques are everywhere. Does it upset him not to be in the clique? I ask this because some don’t care, they are happy to be on their own. One of my daughters was like this. She was quite popular at school but liked to be alone and really she is still a bit like that now even though she is married with a family.

In that situation a helpful adult might gently intervene, I'd hope.

One of my 4 grandchildren is severely disabled so it's natural for the others as is the idea people need to try and help things along. They go to lots of stuff where they meet and play with children who struggle. Wouldn't it be good if all did.

Luckygirl3 I know a lovely young Quaker primary teacher, its near the top of his agenda as its very multi cultural so its a good starting point for all kinds of difference. Disability education so important, part of growing into a kind adult and awareness of "othernesses".

GrannyGravy13

My neurodiverse GC has been beaten up, bullied relentlessly and had little understanding from some teachers.

They now hate school and it’s a drama to get them there each day, which is a shame as they are top of the class in many subjects which is yet another proverbial stick to beat them with by their peers.

I am sorry to hear that. I would not be sending my child to school under those circumstances.

The school is failing him in a big way and failing in their safeguarding duty. Look at the school's bullying policy - take it to the head having underlined where they are failing; and send a copy to the governors.

I have found cubs and scouts to be one of the most inclusive groups of those who are neuro diverse, it may be that the troupes I have seen are very good, but it has been really noticeable.

I am going to put a different point of view. I have dyspraxia and have ADHD (as doDS and DGS).

I realise when I was quite young that I was seen as a bit odd, not just by other children, but also by adults. I did try to be like others but if your brain works differently, that doesn't work. So I just stopped bothering about being different. I decided I was quite happy as myself. I had no arguments with myself, so I would be myself, fit in where I could and just accept it where I couldn't, Generally speaking, that tactic has worked very well.

I think what we should be telling neurally diverse children and adults is that you are you, and if you are different so what. I was never part of a group, but I have made friends in life, often, other oddities like me, I have also been parts of wider groups with shared intersts - and also stood outside others.

I am my own person, I know who I am. In the end that is what matters.

Yes M0nica.
I’m paraphrasing what you said
I think what we should be telling all children, not just neurally diverse children and adults is that you are you, and if you are different so what.

Even those who do not have a neurodiverse label sometimes find it hard to fit in, and self esteem often seems to depend on how we feel others see us.

I will probably offend everyone when I say this but I think its along the lines of what Monica was saying. I think scouts is inclusive because many of the people who join in are 'different' (in all sorts of ways) they often arent the football players or the socially confident children. There are places where people can find their 'tribe'
My husband has a diagnosis, he has found particular hobbies which suit his needs so to speak.

JMcD, growing up as an 'outsider' - being much like your grandson, I'd often be standing by and not joining in. Our society expects us to be friends with people of our age - really difficult for us. It's like expecting a 12 year old to be best friends with a four year old - never will happen. As for the golf, I'd rather play with adults.

GrannyGravy13

My neurodiverse GC has been beaten up, bullied relentlessly and had little understanding from some teachers.

They now hate school and it’s a drama to get them there each day, which is a shame as they are top of the class in many subjects which is yet another proverbial stick to beat them with by their peers.

I'd be requesting an interview with the head and also looking around for a new school.

I have a friend whose son is on the autistic spectrum. He started at a small private school, which his parents thought would be best for him, but it was a nightmare. After a year, he moved to his catchment state school and hasn't looked back, so a change of school might make a big difference.

Galaxy

I have found cubs and scouts to be one of the most inclusive groups of those who are neuro diverse, it may be that the troupes I have seen are very good, but it has been really noticeable.

I found cubs to be just the opposite (years ago of course).
Beavers was inclusive.

It totally depends on who is "in charge" I think.

Yes I am sure I think we have been very lucky with our scout leaders.

The Quality Mark scheme for schools is a wonderful initiative based around core values which the school seeks to promote, such as respect for others, honesty, community and so on.
It’s not just a box- ticking exercise and schools have to be able to ‘prove’ the values are lived in their school over some considerable time.
It’s entirely separate from Ofsted but is very highly regarded within the educational world.
Parents or grandparents such as GG13 who have ongoing issues should certainly suggest that the school looks into it. A refusal to do so would greatly add to their case for stronger action by Governors or LEA

Do change schools and/or consider home educating if a child is unhappy. What I was trying to say, earlier, is that some of us are quite happy to not join in. There's nothing worse than an overenthusiastic adult trying hard to make you behave 'normally'.

My grandson's classmates all loved football - he played well but didn't have any interest in it - so the 'encouragement' to join the after school club was relentless, from them, their parents and the school. They just couldn't understand why I defended his choice and refused to nag him about it.

It's important not to impose what us neurotypicals see as important on people with autism. He may be absolutely delighted not to have to bother trying to adhere to our ways of socialising or being seen to do so and really appreciate being able to concentrate on the class itself.

I think it’s very different for a child with outward disabilities especially if they have an outgoing personality the schools on the whole seem to help make them included when it comes to autism there are so many differences from child to child no one way suits all and often the child doesn’t want to be involved and feels more comfortable not having to be sociable
JMcD your story doesn’t appear to be at school but an out of school activity unless they do golf at schools now !
Did he seem upset that no one greeted him or were you upset for him ? Do you know that he’s never included and does that bother him ?
As Monica has said it didn’t really worry her and she found her own way past it perhaps your grandson, unless he’s shown it’s upsetting him, has found his own way forward and doesn’t need to be part of a group (lucky him) !! I m sure my teen life would have been much better if I d have been happy in my own skin and not feeling the need to conform to be accepted
Much more able to be my own person now

As adults would we like to be told who to be friends with?

The HT and our son and wife have had meetings.

One of the downsides of having electronic registration for classes is that there is no paper continuity for teachers. This is particularly difficult for supply teachers who do not know their pupils.

Our GC now has a laminated sheet which he can give to a teacher when they are overwhelmed or not able to express themselves. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Going into yr11 this September, so fingers are well and truly crossed.

I think it’s difficult for some children to see a neurodiverse peer as anything other than weird when they have no visible signs of difference.

They were offered the chance to go to the private school that their Dad and Uncle went to, we offered to help/pay fees, but GC was adamant that they wouldn’t let the bullies win.

JMcD

My 13 year old grandson is autistic. Fortunately he is high functioning and very sociable. He has been having golf lessons for a few months now as part of an organised small group of boys. I was heart broken recently to watch as he was totally ignored by the other boys (not even a hello!). His behaviour was far better than theirs as they continually fooled around as he stood patiently by waiting for his turn.
My point is that we need to educate our young people to accept others that may be a little different but still wish to be accepted and included.

I have ADD, of course not diagnosed over 70 years ago. I function well, can be sociable if I must, am perfectly content to 'look in from the outside' - in fact I much prefer silently watching whilst waiting my turn.

Perhaps consider GS may be totally content patiently waiting, outside the chaos of group dynamics? Perhaps he's an introvert, as I am?