Educating Young People About Acceptance

Son, who teaches Special Needs, has realised that he himself is on the spectrum. My dad, looking back on it, was certainly the same. I recently had a good talk with someone I have known for a while who I had noticed always stood to one side in a group situation and she described herself as 'weird'. That struck a chord with me as I often find that in a situation where, for instance, there is a meeting and a break for coffee where everyone is milling about I look round and find that everyone else is talking to someone and I am not! I get through that by finding someone I can talk to about something we have in common, although to do that I usually have to politely break into a conversation, which I find quite difficult. I often, though, will be in a position where I am organising the event in some way, which helps with interacting with people. Sometimes, though, I get quite upset when I see people talking non-stop about themselves and monopolising conversations.

Luckygirl3

GrannyGravy13

My neurodiverse GC has been beaten up, bullied relentlessly and had little understanding from some teachers.

They now hate school and it’s a drama to get them there each day, which is a shame as they are top of the class in many subjects which is yet another proverbial stick to beat them with by their peers.

I am sorry to hear that. I would not be sending my child to school under those circumstances.

The school is failing him in a big way and failing in their safeguarding duty. Look at the school's bullying policy - take it to the head having underlined where they are failing; and send a copy to the governors.

I absolutely agree, he needs to be taken out of school and either placed in SEN school or homeschooled. This experience will cause lasting, if not lifelong damage.

My DGS is autistic. He’s coped with the bullying since starting high school and the school is active in clamping down on bullying behaviour. They excluded the boys who were verbally and physically abusing him on the school bus to the extent that the driver made them get off the bus.
The furious parents were absolutely adamant that their sons would never do a thing like that, but in this age, there was video evidence from other children’s phones.

My son is autistic and has been treated like this I er many , many years. As he grew older though he met a group of friends that accepted him for who he is and he is still friends with two if them some 15 years later. He will find his true friends but until then unfortunately society still has a long way to go with inclusivity. He also went to university and has a brilliant job in London with a good social life. Hang in there it gets better but I entirely agree it is heartbreaking at times to witness.

Stop and think. Your grandson was acting in an adult manner. Those boys were behaving as brats. What makes you think that he would be happier if he was made part of their group? If I was his Grandma I would have congratulated him on ignoring such poor behaviour.

Thirteen year old boys (girls too) can be very cruel. Schools seem to be breeding grounds for that behavior. Kids look back and do say that elementary school and even high school were not their favorite years of their life. It’s tough!

There are special schools for neurodivergent children, but I’m sure very expensive.

Your grandson seems to understand what is happening to him in social settings. Per M0nica’s advice, keep his self esteem going and teaching him that if he perseveres his current status, he’ll be just fine after school; pay no mind to those cruel insensitive boys. Emotional support will get him through.
(You have to wonder sometimes about school administrators/staff in these instances.)

Sounds like a happy and smart boy!
USA Gundy

GrannyGravy13

My neurodiverse GC has been beaten up, bullied relentlessly and had little understanding from some teachers.

They now hate school and it’s a drama to get them there each day, which is a shame as they are top of the class in many subjects which is yet another proverbial stick to beat them with by their peers.

My son had a similar experience at school but that was nearly 30 years ago when high functioning autism had only just started to be recognised. He was 15 before he got the diagnosis and came out of school with no GCSE passes.
I had hoped things had improved in these more enlightened days especially as some of our GC are showing autistic tendencies too but it appears even today you still have to jump through lots of hoops just to be considered for an assessment.
One good thing that came out of my son’s school experience was that he became very resilient and determined to succeed. (I’m only too aware things could have gone the other way)
I had a friend in the same position as me who took her son out of school - sadly he hasn’t been able to hold down a job as he gives up every time when the going gets tough. I sometimes wonder if taking him out of school twice has had an influence on this.
I sympathise with you JMcD - it’s heartbreaking to see your much loved child/GC ignored in this way.
Strangely my son has forgiven the bullies/teachers a long time ago (he says they had their problems too) and he even became friends with some later in life.
It’s me who still finds it difficult to forgive and forget.

At the moment my DGS has the best life! He is 9 years old and has Down syndrome, he its also very small for his age. He goes to a mainstream school which is very small - has about 60 pupils. Most of the girls (all ages) think he is their boyfriend, so he is incredibly happy. When he goes to secondary school, it will be a 'special' school, I do worry how he will get on there

I think the important issue here is ‘was your GS bothered or not’? A scenario that might appear ‘heartbreaking’ to you may look completely different from his perspective. One of my teenage GSs is happy with his own company; chatty when it’s needed but very much his own person - not bothered about being part of the ‘in crowd’. If your GS didn’t seem bothered by the situation, then that’s all that matters. I think with my GS, one day he’ll find his tribe, and it will be all the richer for it being of his own choosing. Just be happy for who your GS is!

That's so sad. My heart goes out to you and your lovely grandson. You would think, as the responsible adult, the golf teacher would be more aware and do something about this horrible situation. Sending love x

I wonder if they ignored him because they simply have bad manners and obnoxious attitudes, as opposed to ignoring him because he is a little different. It sounds to me as if they were showing off.

I worked as a learning support assistant in the special needs department of an outstanding school. Some of the kids were well integrated with the other students but it was difficult for those with extreme needs as they often had to be accompanied by a staff member at all times! I worked with one such student who struggled to find people to work with him for group work in class.
My own son, though undiagnosed, was I’m sure mildly autistic. He was bullied at primary school and only really made good friends later through shared interests. By university he had overcome most of his social awkwardness and is now a university lecturer and married with two children. He was very high functioning and I only recognised his problems as I was training for my job.
Shared interests were definitely how he made good friends.

I have a high functioning autistic grandson who’s now 25, has a girl friend, loads of friends and holds down a worthwhile job. He can also charm the birds off the trees and is the most polite and loveable young man you could wish to meet. Please don’t give up, the early teens are difficult anyway with usually no thought beyond themselves. In the meantime, just be there for him.

My oldest was very dyslexic and is probably somewhere on the spectrum although never formally diagnosed. He was relieved if he was ignored and just left alone at school as he was so often bullied. We told him life would improve once he had more choice about who he mixed with. It has, and since starting a non-mainstream sport, courtesy of a brilliant teacher, he's made many new friends and acquaintances and over the past
10 years he's travelled the world with his sport. (So pleased I discouraged rugby and football as I don't think he would have gained the easy acceptance he has with a more minority sport). It doesn't take away the painful years of being ostracised and bullied but at least he's found his 'people'. I hope your GS can find his way through the difficult adolescent years and make a place for himself with like-minded people. Sport is one good way of doing this and success is 1% inspiration but 99% due to effort and practice which is down to his choice.

I can see both sides of this issue, having been the "girl who was left out" at school, due health issues making it impossible for me to take part in sports, and the adult trying to include such children in class or other activities.

It can be done to hint to a group of 13 year olds that they would make it easier for an autistic boy to become part of the group if they made the first steps.

And it is undoubtedly possible to tell them that good manners requires them to acknowlede each others' presence.

However, being heavy -handed here, will make things worse.
As a child I hated being left out, but hated even more being included because the others in the class had been told to treat me better!

And let us be honest here: it is regretably not only children who need to learn acceptance and good manners!

A vast number of adults need to be taught these things too.

And a group of 13 year olds will follow a grown-up's good example, you know.

My grandson (10) has cerebral palsy and Asperger’s. Has problems with arm and hand. Finds it hard to make friends. At village school and often bullied in playground. recently some boys had a class vote “who thinks G is the worst goalkeeper in class” which he was upset about. reported to Head and Governors whose response is to keep him in at break time. They seem to want to deny the problem as the bullies apparently have problems too. Parents not sure what to do next.

May have to develop resilience.

Bluebelle, while I decided to just accept other people's judgment that I was odd, (what was the alternative?). I will not pretend that I would not have preferred it, if I could have fitted in.

JMcD

My 13 year old grandson is autistic. Fortunately he is high functioning and very sociable. He has been having golf lessons for a few months now as part of an organised small group of boys. I was heart broken recently to watch as he was totally ignored by the other boys (not even a hello!). His behaviour was far better than theirs as they continually fooled around as he stood patiently by waiting for his turn.
My point is that we need to educate our young people to accept others that may be a little different but still wish to be accepted and included.

I have ADD, of course not diagnosed over 70 years ago. I function well, can be sociable if I must, am perfectly content to 'look in from the outside' - in fact I much prefer silently watching whilst waiting my turn.

Perhaps consider GS may be totally content patiently waiting, outside the chaos of group dynamics? Perhaps he's an introvert, as I am?

The HT and our son and wife have had meetings.

One of the downsides of having electronic registration for classes is that there is no paper continuity for teachers. This is particularly difficult for supply teachers who do not know their pupils.

Our GC now has a laminated sheet which he can give to a teacher when they are overwhelmed or not able to express themselves. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Going into yr11 this September, so fingers are well and truly crossed.

I think it’s difficult for some children to see a neurodiverse peer as anything other than weird when they have no visible signs of difference.

They were offered the chance to go to the private school that their Dad and Uncle went to, we offered to help/pay fees, but GC was adamant that they wouldn’t let the bullies win.

As adults would we like to be told who to be friends with?

I think it’s very different for a child with outward disabilities especially if they have an outgoing personality the schools on the whole seem to help make them included when it comes to autism there are so many differences from child to child no one way suits all and often the child doesn’t want to be involved and feels more comfortable not having to be sociable
JMcD your story doesn’t appear to be at school but an out of school activity unless they do golf at schools now !
Did he seem upset that no one greeted him or were you upset for him ? Do you know that he’s never included and does that bother him ?
As Monica has said it didn’t really worry her and she found her own way past it perhaps your grandson, unless he’s shown it’s upsetting him, has found his own way forward and doesn’t need to be part of a group (lucky him) !! I m sure my teen life would have been much better if I d have been happy in my own skin and not feeling the need to conform to be accepted
Much more able to be my own person now

It's important not to impose what us neurotypicals see as important on people with autism. He may be absolutely delighted not to have to bother trying to adhere to our ways of socialising or being seen to do so and really appreciate being able to concentrate on the class itself.

Do change schools and/or consider home educating if a child is unhappy. What I was trying to say, earlier, is that some of us are quite happy to not join in. There's nothing worse than an overenthusiastic adult trying hard to make you behave 'normally'.

My grandson's classmates all loved football - he played well but didn't have any interest in it - so the 'encouragement' to join the after school club was relentless, from them, their parents and the school. They just couldn't understand why I defended his choice and refused to nag him about it.

The Quality Mark scheme for schools is a wonderful initiative based around core values which the school seeks to promote, such as respect for others, honesty, community and so on.
It’s not just a box- ticking exercise and schools have to be able to ‘prove’ the values are lived in their school over some considerable time.
It’s entirely separate from Ofsted but is very highly regarded within the educational world.
Parents or grandparents such as GG13 who have ongoing issues should certainly suggest that the school looks into it. A refusal to do so would greatly add to their case for stronger action by Governors or LEA