The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

AG92 it’s good that you have removed yourself from what sounds like an horrific relationship. I truly hope you find the peace of mind you deserve.

However, your posts are full of generalisation, and blinkered thinking. Do you really believe that every single estranged adult child had a mother like yours? That is unrealistic...and somewhat childish. There are as many different stories as there are people. Sadly, there are those who appear to have made it their life’s work, complete with a whole new vocabulary, to encourage the immediate cutting out of anyone perceived to not enrich their lives. And believe me, not all the reasons are as severe and understandable as yours. Many, many are engineered by possessive, controlling partners. I have first hand knowledge of this both from my work as a counsellor, and from my own personal experience. I am fortunate in that my son has refused to “obey” the command, however I have no contact with my granddaughter as a result.

I truly feel saddened reading your treatment from the one person who should never hurt you, but I found this statement.... ”developed mental illness after mental illness like most of you here are showing” insulting, and patronising. Mental illness is not something to be chucked around on the internet, when so many people are genuinely suffering from it.

Finally, you seem to feel that because NC was right for you, it’s bound to be right for everyone with any grievance. That sort of generalisation is dangerous, cruel and downright stupid.

To finish, I believe that in the not too distant future, we will see many many grandchildren who have been denied the love of grandparents, rebelling in much the same way as AC are doing today. And that truly breaks my heart. Our children are the future.

Gabrielle88 don't you think there are generalisations on both sides? Sometimes the adult child is right to cut contact. It works both ways and I would be the first to say some adult children aren't being fair but I think there would be less confrontation if all people recognised that the fault can lie on either side.

I have 4 children, the problems my DH had with his mother hasn't damaged their relationship with us. I had all 4 home over Christmas, I look after the GC who live locally on a regular basic and between my children and their children there aren't many days when I don't get visits or phone calls or both.

That's wonderful for you 123flump.

However Gabrielle 8 has a valid point and it was an excellent post.

I agreed dreadful insult say mental illness like most of u on here!!
If a parent is genuinely mentally ill surely a caring child would want to help rather than cut them off? How would that help a parent providing of course they were normally loving and caring.

Our 2nd grandaughter is 7 today and breaks my heart we never seen her can that really be justified?
It's something I can't bear to dwell on or I wouldn't be able to cope.

I agreed Gabrielle at some point a lot of grandchildren deniedmloving grandparents will rebel, and also see it as normal to cut off relatives at slightest problem.
No one is perfect and the AC doing cutting off must surely realise that however wonderful they think they are,

Our eldest GC was 6 yesterday Celeb and it's still difficult to believe that in all probability we'll never see him.

Excellent post Gabrielle. We too have first hand experience of a controlling and possessive partner but sadly for us, our ES did obey and we've been CO for more than 5 years.

Not all parents deserve to be a part of their AC's and GC's lives and not all those who find themselves CO, deserve to be treated so cruelly.

IMO when AC CO their non abusive, loving and caring parents they're setting a dangerous precedence and may well find themselves subjected to the same abuse by their own children when they become adults.

123flump, if you read my post, I have said that there are ”as many different stories as there are people”. The poster I replied to is the one who is tarring every CO parent with the same brush....then compounding it by suggesting they have mental health problems. Sorry, she lost me with that dreadful comment.

Hi ladies....tis I Rosy!.x.?

I am so sorry about what happened to you AG92. I hope you do find peace within yourself. Obviously I won’t go into detail as it would be very outing. When I agreed there was a lot of truth in some of the things she said, I readily admit to losing my temper, yelling and sometimes saying unkind things about certain other people. This was not a regular occurrence but obviously still enough to have stuck in my daughters head. Some times this was s response to things that had been said about her, or done to her. Other times just me being rude and bad tempered. I also admit to not attending to certain matters straight away, because either I didn’t grasp the need to attend to it urgently or I didn’t pick up on what she was trying to tell me. Again, as the adult, I should have been more on the ball. Thing is, hindsight is wonderful, but when you are struggling to raise children on your own without support from the father, it is hard. I tried my best to foster a good relationship with her dad. I tried explaining that our differences were between him and me, not her. How many times he promised to visit and he never did. Much later, he did initiate contact and I did my utmost to keep it going. When much older she went to stay with him and his family but that didn’t last. As she got into her middle teens and asked questions, I was honest. Now I’m told I should have said nothing to her. I encouraged her in everything she herself chose to do, but now it’s s case that I forced her to do the very things she wanted to. There are other things, completely untrue. I can prove it. But this is where I think it does not matter who is right and who is wrong. Just as I see things a certain way, she sees things a certain way and I feel she is entitled to her feelings just as I am to mine. I never abused her physically, or knowingly emotionally. I feel she feels that yelling or losing my temper was emotional abuse. At the end of the day, parents and children are only human. We all make mistakes, say and do the eromg thing. I’m not likening any of this in any way to the cruelty and abuse that some children suffer. I always tried to encourage my daughter and tried to show her that women can be strong and self reliant by themselves. I always wanted her to follow her own dreams and goals, not mine. Thinking and talking about all this, the issues seem to have surfaced after she had moved in with her boyfriend. He treated her very badly and took everything she had, even her sense of self worth. Something strong was still inside her though, as she found the strength to leave him. Like I said, I really don’t know just how it got to this stage. She has made certain demands and rules and I will honour these as I love her with all my heart and I will do whatever it takes to try fix this. Some days I get by, other days I’m just a mess. It feels like a death tbh. However, I know the love she had, and I believe still has, for her family. I feel that cutting us all out of her life is hurting her as well as her family. I wish I knew the answers, what to do, what to say. All I can do for now is abide by her terms and pray we can fix this. She’s a beautiful, intelligent, loving and giving woman as I know leopards don’t change their spots. I only wish I hadbeen able to stay in my marriage. I could put up with a lot but some things made it impossible to stay with their dad. I’m sorry for long and rambling posts, but that’s how my head is at the moment. Again, thankyou to all the contributers to this thread. I read every post and there’s something I can take from everyone’s words. It’s hard being s good parent and it’s also hard being s child/young adult. I wish everyone peace and hope xxx

Well that explains why it was such a good post Gabrielleshould have realised it was you aka Rosy.

A very moving post MesMopTop. So basically, what you're saying is that you're not perfect; you are human, as is you daughter; she's not perfect either.

You've done what we've all done; yelled, lost your temper and criticised others. You weren't always able to drop everything' and attend to matters that your D feels should have been dealt with more promptly. You were unable to stay in an unhappy marriage but none of these things justify being CO.

It does feel like a death which is why a parents' abandonment by their AC is called 'a living bereavement'.

I hope that given time your relationship with your D will improve but please don't lose sight of your own needs and self worth.

You've said "as the adult, I should have been more on the ball". Maybe so, but your D is an adult now, she's no longer a child even though she'll always be yours and although she can't necessarily take responsibility for what happened when she was a child, she does need to take responsibility for what's happening now, and her part in it.

celebgran it is sad you can't see your granddaughter, obviously none of us can know why your daughter is doing this. My point is both sides take an extreme view of it, alot, not all, grandparents on here say it is all their child's fault. The children are telling the parent/grandparent that it is their fault. The reality is in some cases there will be faults on both sides, in some it will be the parents fault and in other cases it is the adult child's fault. I think both sides on here saying it is always the others fault doesn't help. I think MesMopTop is being brave to admit she got things wrong and to understand that the blame game isn't getting anyone anywhere. I hope her attitude will get through to her child because I think it will be a big step towards healing the rift.

I didn't mention my children to show off or rub anyone's nose in it but I do find it distasteful when people keep wishing pain on their own children, saying the same will happen to them because that is what their children have seen. Well my children saw it and in no way did it inspire them to do the same.

I think family relationships breaking down is terribly sad, the picture is always going to be blurred because it will look so different from each side.

Not all parents deserve to be a part of their AC's and GC's lives and not all those who find themselves CO, deserve to be treated so cruelly Smileless that is so true and sums up what I have been trying to say.

Thais 123flump.

I agree what a honest moving post mesmoptop

We as Smilelss said are all human. I have always admitted to having volatile relationship with me ed. when it was good it was v good and when it was bad it was horrid (nursery rhyme) sums it up.
However she always knew I adored her and could not have done more to care for her physically, emotionally or financially for entire 28 years.
I expect as the adult I should not have lost my temper or responded how I did if she was difficult.
However most of our difficult rows came when she was adult so I am not going to be the martyr and say it wasn't her fault also.
There is practically nothing I wouldn't have done to avoid losing my only daughter and she knows that.
Let alone my only 3 grandchildren,
.
That is something I can do nothing about.
I think 123flump misting thinking adults would accept it is seldom all one persons fault in an estrangement.
Sadly it is worst thing imo that can happen to a mum, I have cried a river over last 9 years but the crying is done now.
I feel sad and can't dwell on it for long but the sharp edge of pain has dulled thank god,

I get genuine pleasure out of life and focus on who does love and want me.

It's all any of us can do,

Meant thanks 123 flump ?It is so very sad for me as Smilelss grankids growing up we never seen??

Mesmoptop it sounds like you had very tough time raising your daughter and no one could have expected you to stay in unhappy relationship. Surely your daughter can understand this?

It is verymbrave of you to admit you got it wrong sometimes. As did I and most parents non of us are perfect are we? My dear son tried explaining that to his sister to no avail.

Like 123flump I do hope with that attitude you can reconcile with your daughter.
I totally relate to envy when seeing mums and daughters luckily my closest friend has just one son.
It's hard because I would give anything to see my daughter again to talk and give her a hug, I am not sure what I could say after so long and all she has done to me. However I would try to keep quiet and listen.

celebgran maybe you are too alike? I think that can be difficult if you are both alike.

I suspect if your daughter knocked on your door you would forgive her in an instant. Not forget but forgive.

123flump you could well be right
Yes I have no doubt I would be so pleased I would forgive her! X

celebgran I hope you get the chance to prove us both right.

Thank you 123flump! ???

I've been googling this tonight - yes apparently it's a sort of cult, they have inspirational videos about doing it, narrated by popular youtubers, with regular pep-talks to keep your resolve up. Fascinating!

Flump of course no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. But knowing the main posters on here for 5-3yrs you can judge a person by their posts, so what I said in my last post, I have no doubt is true.

AG92 I wonder, being a small child, the 2hrs you sat without moving, perhaps that was in fact just 5/10mins, which in a small tots life, would seem like 2hrs. The smacking is horrendous and inexcusable!

Tons of posts to read, so still have a whole page to go, apologise if this post is out of synic, but need to post to go to next page

Smileless &Celebgran I feel for you both with your GC's birthdays

MMT I hope Smileless's post, putting it all into a nutshell, has helped you, as I've already said, don't try and understand this estrangement as none of us here can!

Rosy your Son is wonderful, staying strong and doing the right thing by you, his mum, shame it can't include your beloved GD! For your Son he deserves them.

Flump your m.i.l was cut out of your & your C lives, so they never got to know their paternal GP. You are very lucky that this hasn't backfired on you, but how old are they? Maybe when they are older and start to research their family tree they will start asking questions!

IngeJones yes I have heard about this, too disturbing for me to take a look! but thanks for info. xx

Yogagirl my children knew their grandmother well, I have said several times that I kept in touch with her, visited her with the children and did running round for her when my husband had been driven to the point that he no longer could.

My eldest is mid 40s and he knows all about his family tree. They had one grandmother they loved dearly, my mother, and a grandmother who they tolerated as she played her games with them, trying to set one against the other, telling tales (which she inevitably got wrong as she would always interpret things to suit her own agenda) and they witnessed her upsetting their father.

So no nothing has backfired on me.

Flump & moptop have written such honest and inspiring posts and some on here should read those carefully. Clump your post says exactly what I've been trying to articulate to these posters for months. Isn't it interesting that Celkeb is the one other CO parent that agrees. Celeb I'm routing for you and keeping everything crossed that one day your daughter will be in touch. When that happens I suspect your reconciliation will be successful. You seem to completely understand that there are two sides and very willing to at least see the other.

bugsy555, it is interesting and I would be lovely to hear she has a happy outcome.

All parents know that they've made mistakes throughout their AC's childhoods because none of us are perfect bugsy. But, if not being perfect was a justifiable reason to be CO, there wouldn't be one family that wasn't fragmented in this terrible way.

You seem to think that when a CO parent says they've done nothing to deserve the way they're being treated, that they're saying they never did anything wrong. Well that's not what's being said.

To CO ones parents and entire family is a monumental thing to do. When any of us read of terrible experiences that some AC suffered in childhood, as with AG92 we are saddened and horrified in equal measure and totally understand why the CO was necessary.

I was not a perfect parent and have never claimed to be and when I say we don't deserve to be treated this way and that we were good, kind, caring and loving parents I'm not being delusional I'm being honest.

When I say I had the most wonderful relationship with our ES for 27 years and that changed once he'd married and even more so once his first child was born, I'm being honest and no, I'm 'not playing the blame game' flump. Pinning the blame on someone undeservedly is not a game I've ever had any interest in playing.

Once again, for almost a year our ES's m.i.l. was CO of their lives. She's now 'back in' again, having apologised to her D for not choosing her over her own sister. Our ES's wife fell out with her aunt when she originally CO her parents 7 years ago.

So once again, our GC have a GM in their lives but for how long and at what cost to her? And at what cost to our GC when yet again they're being used as pawns in this sick game that their parents are playing? Their GM may do or say the wrong thing and they wont see her again for months; they may never see her again.

My DS and I are extremely alike. Ours has always been a volatile relationship and I can't ever see that changing and TBH I'm not sure either of us would want it to be any different. It's who we are and the relationship that we have, so having a volatile relationship with ones AC doesn't necessarily lead to being CO.

My ES and I on the other hand were extremely close. He'd 'phone at least once a day or text, we barely had a cross word for 27 years so when it comes to our estrangement, are their faults on both sides? No. Did we do or say anything to be CO? No. The only thing that had changed was the introduction of his wife into our family. She was genuinely loved and valued but as she told me the night they got engaged "I have only child syndrome; I don't share" and boy oh boy, she wasn't kidding was she.

Smileless I never said all parents who are cut off deserve it but if you read some posters on here they automatically jump to it is the child or their partner are in the wrong and that isn't true. As I've said I watched it with my DH and his mother and she was toxic.