Wills and estranged children.

There are so many sad and desperate stories coming out through this thread ...heartbreaking. I am a bit shocked at the irrelevant comments about the EAC needing the parents love and affection and not being given it ..dear me!! If you read the many posts on GN about estrangement you will see that it really really is NOT as simple as that (I am not estranged, although I do fear it )

Re the original OP ....I agree with the many posters who have said that this, in the end, is an emotional issue and "what feels right" within a personal situation. I do think that a letter to explain whatever your decision is is absolutely crucial ...the receivers of that letter will interpret it as they choose, but at least you will know that you have communicated your very personal and heartfelt reasons! Much sympathy and hope you can all make a decidion that is at some level the right one for you in your personal circumstances. to all of you struggling with this.

I was excluded from a rich uncle's will (aged 12. The beneficiaries were my brother and sister who were 10 and 8). In the will he said it was because I had told him a lie when I was about 5 or 6. Now I am (much) older, I think my parents were really wrong to uphold that will - it was a substantial amount of money. It contributed to my already great feeling of unworthiness.
On the other hand, I have made a slightly less provision in my will for one of my sons. He has a daughter that he won't acknowledge, so I have reduced his one third of my estate to give her 10% of his portion. I feel ashamed of his rejection of her - though I love him dearly, so I feel that I have to somehow do something to make up for it. Can't quite do the maths of that at the moment!

If you have a child in her 50s who has been a drug and alcohol abuser since her teens and who has been the worst mother in the world to her children why should she be left anything in your Will? She herself admits that any money left to her would be taken by the courts to pay off her many fines and debts. Therefore we are dividing what would have been her share between her children. And don't think we haven't tried to get her straight either. We have done everything possible, so have the many agencies who have tried to help.

In my opinion inheritance of wealth is not a right. Your wealth is your own and it's your decision what to do both when you're still alive, and when you're dead. If you decide to leave it to family members then whether they all get the same amount is also dependent upon your relationship with them and what you feel they deserve. To not give the same to a 'richer' grandchild as to a 'poorer' one may be justified in some situations, and not in others, for example if you have two children/grandchildren who have had the same chances in life and one has been sensible while the other's squandered those chances, what evidence do you have that the squanderer will not continue in that vein, and why reward that behaviour and penalise the sensible one? On the other hand, if one has a disability of some kind, that one might warrant more than one who isn't disabled. As far as estrangement goes, why on earth would you want to even remember someone who clearly doesn't want you in his/her life? What you do with your wealth after you've gone must be seen by the whole range of inheritors to be fair. I have friends whose child gradually became estranged after marrying a very jealous spouse who worked over a few years to make him cut off ties with his siblings as well. My friends have not seen one grandchild since it was just a few months old, and there's another one they've only heard about (never seen). Though they've continually made efforts to get back in contact they are always rebuffed and the dil gets in the way but frankly if the son can't stand up to her then he's as much to blame so how would their other children and grandchildren feel if the estranged son and his family were to be included in a will? It would be the same as them stealing wouldn't it?

I have rewritten my will to leave everything to my grandsons. I didn't tell my children that I am doing this, so it may be a surprise in the long run, but that is my decision. In the meantime, my plan is to leave as little as possible in that I want to have fun in my older years and do a lot of travelling.

That sounds reasonable, NewgranGill.
Many people make that sort of arrangement, anyway, giving now with the understanding there will be little or no inheritance.
That is an awful situation for you all.

Several years ago we decided not to leave anything to DD.

Our estate will go to our disabled son as he would have nowhere else to live.

However this was not the only reason. DD has spent all our savings, everything left to us from our parents (as nI have only 1 sibling mine was half a house in a very good area), made very deep inroads into our pensions all due to a drug habit over the years and borrowing money from loan sharks which we have had to pay to keep her safe.

I explained this to her one day and although upset and angry she really didn't have a leg to stand on in the argument. The way she has treated us has cause d such conflict and heartache that DS doesn't want her to visit us at all and we understand his feelings and have gone along with this.

But we do see her and I spend a lot of time being her emotional support. She is still doing the same thing to us though and has almost bankrupt us but she is our daughter and we love her - may not always like her, but love her dearly.

I shall write a letter to explain the reason for our decision to go with the will, and I intend to leave her my jewellery and suchlike, but our son needs somewhere to live and she has had hundreds of thousands of pounds from us over the years with still nothing to show for it.

It sounds harsh what we will do but we have tried and tried.

Don't mean to pry but am wondering whether your estranged child keeps in touch with her siblings. Or has she estranged herself from your entire family.

I only ask because many have said it could cause future problems with the siblings if the estranged child was left out.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your position. But you must do what feels right for you, make the will and stop fretting. Your will can always be amended but as you said, surely she wouldn't expect an inheritance.

It's a very personal decision. I agree with others that it is nit a question of morality. My son and I are estranged after he cut me out of his life. I grieved for years. Christmas and Mother's Days crushed me and for several years, they were so unbearable that I returned to bed after a couple of hours and became depressed. Eventually, Some of my distress was replaced by feelings of anger at his callousness. I have not seen him now for over 9-years and I am working toward indifference. I have excluded him from my estate and have no misgivings about it.

The point about making a will is that the money goes where you want it too. Morality does not come into it. If you think it does then that is simply your conscience. Regardless of whether you think someone will/will not need it the decision is yours alone.

Whew! Such a tricky issue!

Basically, I agree that an ac who has gone nc shouldn't expect to inherit anything. But as pps have said, they could still challenge the will in court. Only the person leaving the will can decide if that's worth it to do to their other ac. Imo, leaving the eac a small amount if a good idea to try to prevent this from happening.

As for wealthier v. less wealthy ac - my solution would be to help the less wealthy one while I was still alive and make everything equal in my will, the exception being if the wealthier one had cut me out.

Sarahellenwhitney not holier than thou at all ,and have had a sister who was a drug addict and alcoholic who lied stole and caused so much stress that my lovely dad had a heart attack and another sister who didn't see or contact mum after dad died because she didn't want the resposibility of looking after mum.12 years and no word even though she lived just ONE mile from mum.So I do know how hard it is ,but at the end of the day they were still my parents children and they cared deeply for them ,REGARDLESS of how they were treated in return and they wouldn't have dreant of leaving them out of their wills ,even though they didn't have a huge amount to leave I guess we all have different attitudes to family

Radicalnan How comforting to know I am not alone in experiencing the loss one feels when their own and in my case eldest child walks away. I have not included her in my will as I do not know where she is and she obviously does not want me to know. Not even a call or card when her DF passed away ? He was in his final hours asking why won't she come to me How cruel can one be to another. What had we done to make her like this ?
For the holier than thou who criticize we who chose to not include an estranged child in our will then take a walk in our shoes .

When DH & I made our Wills we naturally left everything to the other, however if I had predeceased DH my share would have passed to my DD (DH's Step-D). DH left nothing to his DC x 2 as their Mother (DH's ex) would leave everything to them (her own H has no children), she is an only child so inherited from her own Parents.

DH put a letter with his Will on the advice of our Solicitor stating why he hadn't left anything to them, certainly his DD knew of his intention. After DH died they didn't contest the Will. I however have no contact with my S-S but still have contact with S-D & her family.

Disagreements happen in most families at some time. However, if a person attempts no reconciliation after the heat has died down, it shows a total lack of love and respect. I agree that if this is lacking in life, why should they profit from a death.

Really interesting posts. We are looking at making new wills and there have been some useful comments.

So sorry to read how many people are estranged from family. I'm having a few issues with DD, which I hope will not escalate.

I would like to think that even if the relationship with AC breaks down the GC are not forgotten in wills. The breakdowns are not their fault and unless they are old enough to keep in touch themselves they cannot do anything about the situations.

Each person has to decide what's best for them and no one has the right to criticize another for their decision.
I don't reward bad behavior. Our children should have learned this when they were little. To me bad behavior is having been estranged from a child. In my case my stepson estranged himself from us and we haven't seen our grandchildren for almost three years. We do not know why either as there was no argument. As Smilelesssaid inheritance is a gift not an entitlement. We have divided up our estate between the other children and our estranged sons part will go to his two children.

I am lucky that I have a close relationship with both of my daughters and live close to them both so everything is shared equally and they are both named as executors. However, if the case was that one of them didn't want to know me and I had tried hard to rectify that with no success, I would leave everything to the one who kept in touch regularly and perhaps helped me in my old age. If one was wealthier I don't think she should be penalised for her success/luck but I would discuss the matter while I was alive and suggest that the poorer one have some extra things like my car/ furniture/collectibles etc. I hope they would help each other after I'm gone. We are able to talk openly about these matters. If one was a drug addict or in a relationship with one or had other similar problems I would leave them an equal share but held in a trust for several years until they could prove they were sensible, with the other daughter having that decision to decide on the timescale.

Jusnoneed Until I saw your comment I have always believed I must be the only one in that situation
As a small child my eldest daughter would push me away.
As she grew older and then as a teen the gap widened she had no time for us preferring non family.
It was inevitable as time went on it would be a permanent situation.I have no hesitation now in not including her in my will.Why should I not knowing where she is or whether she wants me as her mother
She never contacted me when her DF passed away.
I was told by another relative she knew.
I often weep not knowing why she became who she is. What I would not give for a phone call.It has to be what she wants.
I can't see that happening.

Morally you are under no obligation, unless you have formerly promised your estranged child anything. As others have said, it is your money to do what you like with.

However, in your place I would take into consideration whether your estranged child has any contact with her sisters and brothers or not? If they have contact with her, then they may feel bad about her being cut out of your will. It might be best to discuss this issue with them, before changing your will.

My parents left everything to be divided equally between my sister and myself, to our great relief. Our maternal aunt, who was childless but close to my sister, left the bulk of her estate to my sister's children, although she had formerly told my sister that everything would go to her. She left me a legacy, but only keepsakes to her two other god-children, who my sister and I had known all their lives. We found the situation unfair to them and unkind, and as my sister was the only one of us all still living in rented accommodation, I personally felt she was being unfairly treated.
I think we have to face up to the fact that whatever we do, someone will be dissatisfied with our will! Explaining why you made the decision you finally come to, either in person to the children you do see, or in letters to them all individually could perhaps prevent some ill feeling.
I do hope you come to a decision you are comfortable with for that is really the most important point.

I think there are two issues here. Firstly, how you leave your money is your decision (but see later) and you may want to think about how you want to be remembered. Will the disinherited family member only remember you with bitterness and resentment and if so, does that matter to you? If it does matter, you should discuss it with them while they are still alive so that there aren't any hard feelings - they might accept that the needs of other family members trump their wishes.

But secondly, there's the Inheritance Family Provisions Act which can enable a disinherited relative to challenge the will and get a payment that the testator did not want to give. You would need legal advice from your lawyer about the likelihood of that happening. If it's likely to happen, then rather than see your executor incurring legal fees that erode the value of the estate, make whatever bequest your lawyer thinks would be the minimum necessary.

I think a decision has to be made sooner rather than later, as none of us know when any day might be our last, or when we could become less able mentally , so we need to be prepared, on many levels, including those of a legal nature. As has been said, if we are granted more time, this allows for changes.

I think it is cruel to exclude any children. All children should be treated equally. If I hadn't been treated equally I would have been devastated.

Wow, Skweek1. That has the potential for so much further conflict.

I am not leaving anything to estranged daughters, but will leave a share in trust for my grandchildren. Have drafted out letters for both girls and if they want their children to inherit, they will have to make their peace with their half-brother, otherwise it all goes to him/his children. My MIL doesn't want any of her estate to go to the girls, so DS will eventually be relatively comfortably off in his own right, but just because DD1 decided to cut off her nose to spite her face and DD2 felt obliged to support her sister (she was always closer to her half-brother) I don't see why my GC should not have equal shares in what is left to them.