Wills and estranged children.

Apart from taking legal advice, state explicitly in the will why you are excluding one of your children. This is especially needful if you only have one other child as the exluded child could argue that the favoured one had unduly influenced your decision. Speak to your solicitor explain the situation honestly and he will be able to make sure that the will ad any ancillary documents are worded so that a challenge is either impossible or very unlikely to succeed.

Luckylegs9, if you want to leave money to your estranged AC, then do so. If she genuinely doesn't want it she can give it to charity or to other family members, or whatever she decides.

Left everything to offspring of son. Daughter nothing. Has abandoned us. No contact for twenty years. Son has two children at moment but have stated offspring in case their are more when I go. No funeral either. Don't want people coming to see me dead but not when alive.

Very good and thought provoking op and replies
I have been thinking about this a lot aswell. My daughter is single (I'm still hoping she'll meet Mr Right!) and extremely comfortably off and secure. Although living 300 miles away she is a wonderful daughter, kind considerate and loving. Sometimes we have a holiday together and I am welcome to visit anytime. My son is married with 2 children and a stepson. Neither him nor his wife earn much but are always up to their eyes in debt. I have tried to help over the years. He is not a thoughtful son, he mainly gets in touch when he wants babysitting (which I'm very happy to do) or a favour. His wife doesn't seem to like me but I love my grand children to bits. I certainly wouldn't leave my daughter out if my will but to be honest I often feel like cutting out my son and leaving his share to the grandchildren. As it stands its divided equally. Still not sure what to do.

My late grandmother had 3 DC who gave her 7 DGC, 4 girls and 3 boys. She lived to her mid 90s and survived two of her DC. She gave the majority of her money to her remaining DC, with small legacies to each of her DGDaughters, but nothing to the grandsons.

All her DGDs came to see her regularly, phoned her, etc. Whereas two of her GSons weren't in any contact, whilst the third stole from her, and in an unrelated incident ended up in prison for GBH. Perhaps if they had behaved better to their grandmother they would have been left something too.

I have left out my eldest daughter from my Will. I have had no relationship with her since she was eleven years old (she is now 35) due to an acrimonious divorce.

I have included a letter which explains the reason behind my decision in case of any challenges to the Will. As I understand it, grandchildren have no rights to inherit, or contest any Will by a grandparent.

I have seen the nasty side of people who cut out children. My late mil did that to dh. Although she did change it back, it was the sentiment behind her decision which hurt more than money or any inheritance is worth. Their relationship was never the same again.

Personally if I was excluding a child, which I can't imagine, I would leave their share to their children even if I didn't see them either.

What an incredibly complicated subject that touches on so many heartbreaking stories. I would agree with others who suggest it is not a moral issue and there are so many family issues involved that there is no right or wrong way to do this. It comes down to basics - you are distributing your assets, whatever they may be and you can leave them however you want to -maybe a charity, the local dogs home, all or some of your relatives, your best friend or the neighbour next door. It's your choice. Leaving token amounts and clear reasons why you have made your decisions can prevent messy legal hassles.

However, there is a "memory legacy" and you do need to consider how you would like to be remembered. Stories about Wills do seem to get passed down the generations. Does anyone else recall the underrated John Cleese movie "Clockwise" and the Joan Hickson character going on and on about the sherry glasses?

I also know a family where the mother was terminally ill and had two DDs. One of the DDs had a very volatile relationship with her mother. She was mentally ill and would be all loving and kind one minute, and storming out and slamming doors the next. She would often go months without speaking to her DM. She never apologised but her DM always forgave her. A nasty piece of work in my opinion.

A couple of months before the mother died, they had a blazing row, daughter stormed out again. Mother was really worried about the daughter's mental illness, and wrote to the doctor trying to get her some help. The daughter accused her DM of trying to get her put in a mental hospital. Then she told her very ill DM to go to hell, and if she left her any money it would go to the dogs home (her DM had a life long fear of dogs).

When the will was read after the mother died, she had done as the daughter said and left her nothing, left everything to other daughter and grandchildren. The daughter was furious and went round saying how badly treated she was. When they have been mutual friends, I have made sure to tell them the truth!

It is only fair to leave equal portions to siblings however well or less well they have done in life. They will have been given the same opportunitite but made their own choices. It is also shocking to 'punish' a child for being hardworking and successful and this could devastate them and ruin their relationship with their siblings.

If, however, one child abandons and neglects to see his or her parents that is a different matter. Perhaps it is wise and fair to 'have the conversation' with them before excluding them from a will to see if they want to come back to the fold. Otherwise they have made their own decision in rejecting their parents.

My parents left my sister out of their wills because she was mentally handicapped and it would have involved endless problems as radicalnan just mentioned. My brother and I kept the money to take her on holidays and give her treats so we kept it fair like that. It wasn't a huge amount anyway.

Our parents trusted us and we didn't let them down. I can't imagine how painful it must be to be estranged from either your parents or your children and my heart goes out to those who are.

LuckyLegs, we fave the same decision. Our DD walked out of our lives because when we closed the bank. We bought the pram but refused to pay for the kitchen. Our sil is very controlling and sly. He asked us when we were going to downsize and give him some cash. I told our daughter how much that upset us and things rapidly went downhill. We were not allowed to get involved in her pregnancy and when our DGS was born if I tried to pick him up sil would snatch him out of the way. He tried to stop us getting a photograph. I have never fed or changed him and by the time the baby was 3 weeks old we were history. Christmas present returned.
We are not leaving our DD anything. We are looking for a good solicitor as we know they will challenge our will.
Dh attended a retirement course recently and was told that the law changed in 2013. Allegedly if he or I die without a will then the children (2) can challenge the remaining parent to a percentage of the estate. We really feel we need to protect ourselves.
Yes I have guilty thoughts but they are always followed by the things they have done to us.
Thanks for the advice about the £5, will discuss that with the solicitor.

Smileless, your last comment/line made me cry. It sums my feelings perfectly.

Inheritance is a privilege, not a 'right', and it is up to you who you include in your will.

I inherited from a dear uncle who left several of his nieces out of his will simply because they never made contact with him - but, of course, all turned up to his funeral. They contested the will, even saying he was not of sound mind when it made it, and, fortunately, the solicitors agreed that his will was made correctly and it was exactly what he wanted. Of course, in the end, it was the solicitors who benefited most!

By my choice, I have not seen or heard from my mother for almost 20 years. I've sometimes thought about what I would do in the event that anything was left to me in her will and have come to the decision that I would refuse it. We've had no affection, or even a mutual liking for each other, let alone a mother daughter relationship. I have no interest in anything that she may choose to do from the grave.

I am not leaving anything to estranged daughters, but will leave a share in trust for my grandchildren. Have drafted out letters for both girls and if they want their children to inherit, they will have to make their peace with their half-brother, otherwise it all goes to him/his children. My MIL doesn't want any of her estate to go to the girls, so DS will eventually be relatively comfortably off in his own right, but just because DD1 decided to cut off her nose to spite her face and DD2 felt obliged to support her sister (she was always closer to her half-brother) I don't see why my GC should not have equal shares in what is left to them.

Wow, Skweek1. That has the potential for so much further conflict.

I think it is cruel to exclude any children. All children should be treated equally. If I hadn't been treated equally I would have been devastated.

I think a decision has to be made sooner rather than later, as none of us know when any day might be our last, or when we could become less able mentally , so we need to be prepared, on many levels, including those of a legal nature. As has been said, if we are granted more time, this allows for changes.

I think there are two issues here. Firstly, how you leave your money is your decision (but see later) and you may want to think about how you want to be remembered. Will the disinherited family member only remember you with bitterness and resentment and if so, does that matter to you? If it does matter, you should discuss it with them while they are still alive so that there aren't any hard feelings - they might accept that the needs of other family members trump their wishes.

But secondly, there's the Inheritance Family Provisions Act which can enable a disinherited relative to challenge the will and get a payment that the testator did not want to give. You would need legal advice from your lawyer about the likelihood of that happening. If it's likely to happen, then rather than see your executor incurring legal fees that erode the value of the estate, make whatever bequest your lawyer thinks would be the minimum necessary.

Morally you are under no obligation, unless you have formerly promised your estranged child anything. As others have said, it is your money to do what you like with.

However, in your place I would take into consideration whether your estranged child has any contact with her sisters and brothers or not? If they have contact with her, then they may feel bad about her being cut out of your will. It might be best to discuss this issue with them, before changing your will.

My parents left everything to be divided equally between my sister and myself, to our great relief. Our maternal aunt, who was childless but close to my sister, left the bulk of her estate to my sister's children, although she had formerly told my sister that everything would go to her. She left me a legacy, but only keepsakes to her two other god-children, who my sister and I had known all their lives. We found the situation unfair to them and unkind, and as my sister was the only one of us all still living in rented accommodation, I personally felt she was being unfairly treated.
I think we have to face up to the fact that whatever we do, someone will be dissatisfied with our will! Explaining why you made the decision you finally come to, either in person to the children you do see, or in letters to them all individually could perhaps prevent some ill feeling.
I do hope you come to a decision you are comfortable with for that is really the most important point.

Jusnoneed Until I saw your comment I have always believed I must be the only one in that situation
As a small child my eldest daughter would push me away.
As she grew older and then as a teen the gap widened she had no time for us preferring non family.
It was inevitable as time went on it would be a permanent situation.I have no hesitation now in not including her in my will.Why should I not knowing where she is or whether she wants me as her mother
She never contacted me when her DF passed away.
I was told by another relative she knew.
I often weep not knowing why she became who she is. What I would not give for a phone call.It has to be what she wants.
I can't see that happening.

I am lucky that I have a close relationship with both of my daughters and live close to them both so everything is shared equally and they are both named as executors. However, if the case was that one of them didn't want to know me and I had tried hard to rectify that with no success, I would leave everything to the one who kept in touch regularly and perhaps helped me in my old age. If one was wealthier I don't think she should be penalised for her success/luck but I would discuss the matter while I was alive and suggest that the poorer one have some extra things like my car/ furniture/collectibles etc. I hope they would help each other after I'm gone. We are able to talk openly about these matters. If one was a drug addict or in a relationship with one or had other similar problems I would leave them an equal share but held in a trust for several years until they could prove they were sensible, with the other daughter having that decision to decide on the timescale.

Each person has to decide what's best for them and no one has the right to criticize another for their decision.
I don't reward bad behavior. Our children should have learned this when they were little. To me bad behavior is having been estranged from a child. In my case my stepson estranged himself from us and we haven't seen our grandchildren for almost three years. We do not know why either as there was no argument. As Smilelesssaid inheritance is a gift not an entitlement. We have divided up our estate between the other children and our estranged sons part will go to his two children.

Really interesting posts. We are looking at making new wills and there have been some useful comments.

So sorry to read how many people are estranged from family. I'm having a few issues with DD, which I hope will not escalate.

I would like to think that even if the relationship with AC breaks down the GC are not forgotten in wills. The breakdowns are not their fault and unless they are old enough to keep in touch themselves they cannot do anything about the situations.

Disagreements happen in most families at some time. However, if a person attempts no reconciliation after the heat has died down, it shows a total lack of love and respect. I agree that if this is lacking in life, why should they profit from a death.