Wills and estranged children.

When DH & I made our Wills we naturally left everything to the other, however if I had predeceased DH my share would have passed to my DD (DH's Step-D). DH left nothing to his DC x 2 as their Mother (DH's ex) would leave everything to them (her own H has no children), she is an only child so inherited from her own Parents.

DH put a letter with his Will on the advice of our Solicitor stating why he hadn't left anything to them, certainly his DD knew of his intention. After DH died they didn't contest the Will. I however have no contact with my S-S but still have contact with S-D & her family.

Radicalnan How comforting to know I am not alone in experiencing the loss one feels when their own and in my case eldest child walks away. I have not included her in my will as I do not know where she is and she obviously does not want me to know. Not even a call or card when her DF passed away ? He was in his final hours asking why won't she come to me How cruel can one be to another. What had we done to make her like this ?
For the holier than thou who criticize we who chose to not include an estranged child in our will then take a walk in our shoes .

Sarahellenwhitney not holier than thou at all ,and have had a sister who was a drug addict and alcoholic who lied stole and caused so much stress that my lovely dad had a heart attack and another sister who didn't see or contact mum after dad died because she didn't want the resposibility of looking after mum.12 years and no word even though she lived just ONE mile from mum.So I do know how hard it is ,but at the end of the day they were still my parents children and they cared deeply for them ,REGARDLESS of how they were treated in return and they wouldn't have dreant of leaving them out of their wills ,even though they didn't have a huge amount to leave I guess we all have different attitudes to family

Whew! Such a tricky issue!

Basically, I agree that an ac who has gone nc shouldn't expect to inherit anything. But as pps have said, they could still challenge the will in court. Only the person leaving the will can decide if that's worth it to do to their other ac. Imo, leaving the eac a small amount if a good idea to try to prevent this from happening.

As for wealthier v. less wealthy ac - my solution would be to help the less wealthy one while I was still alive and make everything equal in my will, the exception being if the wealthier one had cut me out.

The point about making a will is that the money goes where you want it too. Morality does not come into it. If you think it does then that is simply your conscience. Regardless of whether you think someone will/will not need it the decision is yours alone.

It's a very personal decision. I agree with others that it is nit a question of morality. My son and I are estranged after he cut me out of his life. I grieved for years. Christmas and Mother's Days crushed me and for several years, they were so unbearable that I returned to bed after a couple of hours and became depressed. Eventually, Some of my distress was replaced by feelings of anger at his callousness. I have not seen him now for over 9-years and I am working toward indifference. I have excluded him from my estate and have no misgivings about it.

Don't mean to pry but am wondering whether your estranged child keeps in touch with her siblings. Or has she estranged herself from your entire family.

I only ask because many have said it could cause future problems with the siblings if the estranged child was left out.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your position. But you must do what feels right for you, make the will and stop fretting. Your will can always be amended but as you said, surely she wouldn't expect an inheritance.

Several years ago we decided not to leave anything to DD.

Our estate will go to our disabled son as he would have nowhere else to live.

However this was not the only reason. DD has spent all our savings, everything left to us from our parents (as nI have only 1 sibling mine was half a house in a very good area), made very deep inroads into our pensions all due to a drug habit over the years and borrowing money from loan sharks which we have had to pay to keep her safe.

I explained this to her one day and although upset and angry she really didn't have a leg to stand on in the argument. The way she has treated us has cause d such conflict and heartache that DS doesn't want her to visit us at all and we understand his feelings and have gone along with this.

But we do see her and I spend a lot of time being her emotional support. She is still doing the same thing to us though and has almost bankrupt us but she is our daughter and we love her - may not always like her, but love her dearly.

I shall write a letter to explain the reason for our decision to go with the will, and I intend to leave her my jewellery and suchlike, but our son needs somewhere to live and she has had hundreds of thousands of pounds from us over the years with still nothing to show for it.

It sounds harsh what we will do but we have tried and tried.

That sounds reasonable, NewgranGill.
Many people make that sort of arrangement, anyway, giving now with the understanding there will be little or no inheritance.
That is an awful situation for you all.

I have rewritten my will to leave everything to my grandsons. I didn't tell my children that I am doing this, so it may be a surprise in the long run, but that is my decision. In the meantime, my plan is to leave as little as possible in that I want to have fun in my older years and do a lot of travelling.

In my opinion inheritance of wealth is not a right. Your wealth is your own and it's your decision what to do both when you're still alive, and when you're dead. If you decide to leave it to family members then whether they all get the same amount is also dependent upon your relationship with them and what you feel they deserve. To not give the same to a 'richer' grandchild as to a 'poorer' one may be justified in some situations, and not in others, for example if you have two children/grandchildren who have had the same chances in life and one has been sensible while the other's squandered those chances, what evidence do you have that the squanderer will not continue in that vein, and why reward that behaviour and penalise the sensible one? On the other hand, if one has a disability of some kind, that one might warrant more than one who isn't disabled. As far as estrangement goes, why on earth would you want to even remember someone who clearly doesn't want you in his/her life? What you do with your wealth after you've gone must be seen by the whole range of inheritors to be fair. I have friends whose child gradually became estranged after marrying a very jealous spouse who worked over a few years to make him cut off ties with his siblings as well. My friends have not seen one grandchild since it was just a few months old, and there's another one they've only heard about (never seen). Though they've continually made efforts to get back in contact they are always rebuffed and the dil gets in the way but frankly if the son can't stand up to her then he's as much to blame so how would their other children and grandchildren feel if the estranged son and his family were to be included in a will? It would be the same as them stealing wouldn't it?

If you have a child in her 50s who has been a drug and alcohol abuser since her teens and who has been the worst mother in the world to her children why should she be left anything in your Will? She herself admits that any money left to her would be taken by the courts to pay off her many fines and debts. Therefore we are dividing what would have been her share between her children. And don't think we haven't tried to get her straight either. We have done everything possible, so have the many agencies who have tried to help.

I was excluded from a rich uncle's will (aged 12. The beneficiaries were my brother and sister who were 10 and 8). In the will he said it was because I had told him a lie when I was about 5 or 6. Now I am (much) older, I think my parents were really wrong to uphold that will - it was a substantial amount of money. It contributed to my already great feeling of unworthiness.
On the other hand, I have made a slightly less provision in my will for one of my sons. He has a daughter that he won't acknowledge, so I have reduced his one third of my estate to give her 10% of his portion. I feel ashamed of his rejection of her - though I love him dearly, so I feel that I have to somehow do something to make up for it. Can't quite do the maths of that at the moment!

There are so many sad and desperate stories coming out through this thread ...heartbreaking. I am a bit shocked at the irrelevant comments about the EAC needing the parents love and affection and not being given it ..dear me!! If you read the many posts on GN about estrangement you will see that it really really is NOT as simple as that (I am not estranged, although I do fear it )

Re the original OP ....I agree with the many posters who have said that this, in the end, is an emotional issue and "what feels right" within a personal situation. I do think that a letter to explain whatever your decision is is absolutely crucial ...the receivers of that letter will interpret it as they choose, but at least you will know that you have communicated your very personal and heartfelt reasons! Much sympathy and hope you can all make a decidion that is at some level the right one for you in your personal circumstances. to all of you struggling with this.

My mother has disinherited me for no reason other than that she prefers my brother, who has done nothing but take from her. I can't tell you how bad this makes me feel. In my own will my children are all getting exactly the same and I would be ashamed to treat them otherwise.

There isn't any 'shame' in any of this. Each and every persons story is their own.

DH is estranged from his parents. He didn't have much choice really due to how they treated us all.

I can see it though, in his face at birthdays and christmas when they don't send a card or even text. I want to grab her and just give her a good shake, admit what shes done for the sake of her relationship with her son 'i don't know what I've done' is played out over and over again. She knows. She just doesn't want to admit to him, me, anyone that maybe, just maybe she messed up.

He won't be left anything, not there is anything. He just wants his parents to give a shit now.

Georgia491 that is so hard for you !

Pressed to soon.

He already feel abandoned, he hasn't said it but you can see it.

A letter would be nice. Just a genuine nice letter.
Maybe a token gift. Doesn't have to be money. Something to show them you care.

My Mil disinherited her son, my DH, in favour of her daughter. My husband suffered greatly as a result of this rejection. His mother's memory is sullied. His relationship with his sister subsequently broke down completely. I am sure that if my Mil knew the effect this would have had she would not have take this path. It would have been slightly better had she left some explanation. We have one offspring who has been more successful in material terms than his siblings, but our estate will be split equally.

My mother excluded my eldest brother. He had 'borrowed' so much money over the previous 35 or so years. He probably had far more than me, my sister and younger brother had left us in her will.

My father had 3 full siblings and 3 half sisters. One sibling died in the war and the other 2 siblings had nothing to do with their father for decades. One of the 3 half sisters moved in with my grandfather after her mother died and told lies to turn him against her sisters, so he cut the sisters out of his will and left everything to the 1st half sister and my Dad. My grandfather realised what she had done and was going to change his will again, but died suddenly before he could do so. My father gave the other 2 half sisters part of his inheritance. The 1st half sister had nothing to do with the family, except she phoned my Mum after my Dad died to find out if he had left her anything in his will! (He hadn't!) Eventually she died alone and wasn't found for weeks. Nobody could find a will, so all her estate was shared between the 2 half sisters! ( One had died, so her children shared her half.) Poetic justice?

If included siblings feel it is unfair they can always rectify it. An aunt of dh's with no children left her estate to her nephews, but later cut one of them out because she felt his wife was an appalling spendthrift (she was) and didn't want her to have the spending of any of her money.
However by the time she died they were divorced and the other brothers reinstated him. They all have to agree, though.

So many sad stories!

I have changed my will recently as 3 of my 4 children owe me money, one of them a lot. I have stated in my will, that if there is any money left to inherit, then it should be divided evenly and then the amounts owing taken out. I felt that this would be fair as one AC has paid me back completely and so shouldn't be penalised because of the others. It may be that two will get a little, one nothing and the third a bit more.

I haven't explained this to the one who owes me a lot because there is only contact when she wants more and the bank of Mum is closed in her case. I will when the opportunity arises. She has hurt my heart in so many ways and now even though I love her, I refuse to let her use me any more.

The others know and accept the fairness of this decision. I do think writing a letter to confirm this would be a good idea and will do that soon.

Anyway, I may spend all of my little stash before I pop my clogs - who knows?

Daisy, sorry you're hurting. But if your other ac know your plan, isn't it possible that they've told the one who owes you a lot? Be prepared for her to bring it up with you.