Not allowed to see my grandchildren

I'm very sorry to hear about your estrangement, it must be very difficult. There is a thread on Gransnet for grandparents who are estranged and I'm sure the others on there would be supportive.

I am sorry you are going through this, it must be very hard. I am sure your daughter knows how much you want to see your grandchildren, but from your post it seems as though she may have unresolved issues over her ethnicity or the fact that her father was absent during her childhood and she may be using you as the scapegoat for it. (The fact that she changed her name makes me think that). Is there any chance you can get together with her and talk over any problems she has?

Thank you for your advice GrandmaMoira and Antonia. I am fairly new to this site and still working my way through it.

I will look for the thread you advised GrandmaMoira.

Antonia, I agree with you about the issues with her ethnicity. My colleague suggested it may be to do with cultural issues. I have lived here over 40 years (was sent to boarding school here by my parents) but raised my D to be proud of her African and her English heritage. I wanted her to appreciate what she was and that she had the best of both worlds. I have asked her to meet up with me to talk about things and have even suggested going to family therapy but she is not interested.

How very sad for you - you have all my sympathy.

I think that all you can do is to keep sending messages both to her and to the GC, so that they all know how much you love them.

If an occasion arose when you did see your GC, I think it is important to just have fun together and not mention the long gap - not say how much you have missed them or ask if they have missed you. Just fun - and a light touch.

I wish you lots of good luck with this.

Thank you Luckygirl, Will take your advice on board. I must admit I have told them I have missed them when I haven't seen them for a while. I can't send messages anymore because she has blocked me from her phone. As long as they are all happy, that is more important to me.

Gama my heart goes out to you in your suffering.
You have done everything you can to try to reconcile with you daughter I can't see what else you can do.
As far as the gr children are concerned, keep in touch by post send interesting postcards and letters to show them how much you love them. In the years to come they will be able to come visit you on there own. Never give up hope sometimes we don't understand why people do the things they do and probably never will.
You must try and look forward to a happy future for yourself, try new interests something to take your mind off the huge worry in your life.

Hi jeanie99

I live for the time they will be old enough to visit me. It's a few years away but at least I can look forward to that time. I appreciate your support and advice.

What a difficult one Gama as unlike some posters on here who say they don’t know why they are cut off you really do have no idea why she has done this I too have mixed race kids but the idea of them being ashamed of either ethnicity has never occurred I also brought them up alone
I wonder if she has friends who are racist and doesn’t want them to know her background, the changing of her names seems to suggest she is ashamed of her ethnicity
did the mutual friend come up with any clues?
Does you daughter give them any cards or letters you send
If not I would write letters to them (not decrying or blaming their mother) but giving them your love, and interest talking about little things that happen, keep the letters in a speacial box maybe with photos or cards until they are old enough to come to you then you can show them and they will know you have been always thinking of them
Good luck Gama I do hope she relents soon and you get another period of seeing your little ones again x

Hi BlueBelle

I think you may have a point there that it could be influence from some friends. I used to tell her when she was younger that she had the best of both worlds. I wanted her to be proud of who she was.

The friend (who is godmother to both my D and GC) has told me she thinks we should have contact but D will not listen to her on this. I have not written letters but I will start now. I have bought them things and posted them in the past. They have now moved and do not have their address though I have been there a couple of times before she stopped the latest contact. They have moved to another town and she drove me there so unfortunately don't remember the name of the road or house number. I posted the clothes I had bought to their godmother but she rejected them and they were sent back to me. I have kept them as it was too late to return them to the shop by that time.

My GD is very interested in visiting Africa and would always ask questions and in fact asked me to take here there for a holiday. Mum would never allow that though she herself loved going there as a child.

Thank you for your support and advice.

Gama it sounds like you have done all you can do. This kind of thing happened to me once and after a while I learned to live with it and get on with my own life. And leave things to the future. Life has a way of working things out eventually.

Hi Gama, I feel for you as I am in the same position, it is so cruel when you get attached to grandchildren and then you are denied the right to see them.
I have a one-year-old granddaughter and my daughter got married last weekend and I was never told or invited because his parents and her Dad who have been nasty to me over a family rift some years ago, paid for the wedding, and said that I was to be excluded because of them paying for the wedding. I was told by my daughter that she and her fiance and my granddaughter were going the wedding of her fiance's cousin and that my granddaughter was a flower girl at the wedding, I asked for a photo of her in her Flowergirl outfit and she looked adorable when I saw it in a message via Facebook and said how I would have loved to have seen her in real life in that outfit, little did I know it was my daughters wedding at the time, but now I have found out all hell has broken loose and my side of the family has disowned her, or so they say - I have my doubts, but now I won't be able to see my Granddaughter.
I was wondering if you had considered like I have if you could arrange a way of seeing your grandchildren via an impartial 3rd party, like a Social worker at a Social Services office? Many such services are oversubscribed so they may not have the means to help like this but is it worth asking? Our grandchildren are innocents in all of this and they will be having to do without us in their lives which isn't fair on them and what sort of role model are the parents who deny their parents from seeing their grandchildren, not good ones, so if you can be a moral compass for any grandchildren that is good isn't it?
Life is so unkind and cruel the world is a dangerous place so the more people that can protect a young life the better. Has anyone else got any ideas on how to resolve this sort of predicament, when any amicability isn't forthcoming from the parents of the little one?
Kazzy

Life is cruel.
My new grandson was born a few days ago. I’ve been told I will never meet him. I couldn’t go to my daughter’s wedding ( his mum) 3 years ago either.. because I hurt her dad a few years previously and we divorced. She will not forgive me. Another daughter ‘ puts up’ with me and allows me to look after her children while she works, but she does not speak to me other than anything to do with their care while I am with them.
I feel numb most of the time. I have no tears left. I feel suicidal at times.
I never thought the girls I raised to be decent, respectful and decent people, would turn against me so completely.

Kazzy57
My heart breaks for you. X

Hi annep, Kazzy57 and Minshy

I haven't logged on since last year so have only just read your messages of support, I appreciate that. I feel for you too as I know what you are going through.

Maybe I am wrong but I have actually started to resent the family friend because I feel she has stolen my family. I have pleaded with her a number of times to at least send me the odd photo and just let me know how they are. She won't do that anymore. She has her own family and my family and I am being pushed out. My only consolation is that I believe she genuinely loves my daughter and GC. It gives me peace of mind that (I believe and hope) she will always be there for them. I am older and she is much younger than me so will be around longer.

On a happier note My DD called me about two weeks ago and we have spoken several times since, almost every day she calls or texts. We are meeting up this Friday for a meal and a chat, without the children. I am excited and dreading it but mostly excited. It has definitely lifted my mood. I hope there is better news from you too. x

Hi
No sign of my daughter changing her mind about the situation.
Baby is a month old now.
I have so much love to shower on him.
Just feel numb but getting on with my life.
Will be difficult to explain to my other grandchildren. Think at the moment they just presume I have met him

Your right there is no grandparents rights but there tge children’s rights to have their grandparents in their lives. I have just take my daughter and son in law to court myself and got the access to my 5 grandchildren so it’s possible and becoming more common every day. So think about it and it doesn’t have to be expensive or through a solicitor if I can do it anyone can

My son has on going battle with his ex over their daughter. She and her own father are manipulating her to the point of extreme parental alienation and also filled her head with lies and v negative comments about me. The mother has also failed to take her to dental checks and failed to ensure she had asthma meds at home and also failed to tell my son. My granddaughter told me grandad takes her to any aptz because mummy too busy at work. My son always know when she is being coached as there is always someone in the back ground when he phones her mid week and she says things after some whisphering using language a 7yr old would never know.

The latest is over coronavirus as they have made her so scared of it thT she refuses to visit her father until it is all over. My son has said that our house (he had to move back in with us) is v safe as my husband no longer works and I am currently working from home as I am NHS. My son faces prospect of not seeing his daughter for months.

what can we do? MASH of absolutely no use. He has tried to speak to his ex but when she knows she is on the back foot she turns nasty and turns it into a shouting match and last night her new boyfriend came on phone threatening violence. Call was recorded so should my so go to the police? There was an incident last summer qith the grandfather when he threatened my son in school playground in front of everyone but my son didn't pursue it although school did warn the grandfather

This is an old post but thought I would jump on it as I too (along with my husband) have been stopped from seeing our grandchildren. To cut a long story short, we have been through the courts for contact and we have been given it. However, it’s never that easy is it? We have only managed to get to have two visits with one of our grandchildren and we only managed that because a Social Worker was involved (agreed with all parties). This situation has been going on for over 2 years and it has been one of the most traumatic experiences of our lives. The parents have systematically told a pack of lies to courts, social workers etc etc. There is no way back to a relationship with them because what they have done to us and most importantly, our grandchildren, is unforgivable. The reasons for the parents stopping us having contact with our grandchildren is something that I do not want to discuss on here. But suffice it to say that it is NOT anything that they allege we have done. But it IS everything to do with what the father (and I use that term loosely) has (and continues?) done. The mother and father continue to repeatedly thwart our attempts to have contact with our grandchildren. The children know that they are doing this but are powerless to stop it by themselves. It really is a miserable situation we, by that I mean us and our grandchildren, find ourselves in. The mother and father simply sit back and play the system without any remorse or fear of reprisal. Unfortunately, through no fault of our own, my husband and I know only too well how most alienated grandparents feel. I sincerely hope all of you who are denied seeing your grandchildren, somehow heal your broken hearts because that’s truly what we live with on a daily basis. ❤️

What do you do when you really don't ever want to see your ED again but want to see your grandchild? I have no desire to ever have a relationship with ED ever again. I know it sounds horrible but if she died today, I would not attend her funeral. I have gotten rid of every picture that I had of her. It is not out of angry, I just feel that I birth a monster and I don't need her in my life anymore.

I'm heartbroken I have cared for my 10 yr old grandson since birth. Schools started back 5 days a week 3 weeks ago. The parents are divorced since my gs was 2. It has always been tumultuous between them. I have a strong bond with my gs and we have spent a lot of time together and he even lived with us when he was younger. All of a sudden I get a text the night before I'm to pick up my gs after school telling me that he will no longer be coming The parents want him to come home from school to a empty house. I'm so consumed with worry for him. I cry constantly and see his face everywhere I look.
The pain and loss is excruciating.

My heart goes out to you and your grandson. But a 10yr old is inventive and these days have usually got their own computer or telephone. Maybe you could send him a card with your contact details (if he doesn't have them already) so he can contact you - any contact if better than no contact. It sounds like the relationship of his parents is difficult so I dont expect this situation will last. Stay strong

Hi ,
I just read your comment re taking then court yourself? May I ask how I would find out how to do this ?
thank you

Only just realised this thread has become active again.

Despite the difficulties you are facing Frogsinmygarden it's good to hear from GP's who have succeeded in regaining contact through the court system.

There are so many GP's and GC missing out because of the children's parents' spite and vindictiveness with no thought to how this is and will continue to affect their children.

Until your GC is old enough to make decisions for his/herself, generally speaking you can't have one without the other Defeated. We do know of GP's whose son is estranged from them but they have still been able to see their GS. It's not impossible but not common either.

I'm so sorry Nene. I do wish these parents would behave like adults and put the best interests of their children before their own.

Having spent 10 years of your GS's life being a constant and consistent part of that life, for him to be denied you is quite simply cruel.

You need to arrange to see a solicitor who specialises in family law Rosyd. To have any chance of success you'll have to prove that until contact was denied, you were a constant and regular person in your GC's life, and that it is your already established relationship you wish to maintain.

The second step is to, with your solicitors help apply for mediation. The courts will no longer look at a case like this unless mediation has been arranged. If the child's parents refuse mediation, this doesn't bring your case to an end and can reflect badly on them if the case does go to court.

If mediation fails to reach a mutually agreed and acceptable solution, the next step is to seek the court's leave to take your case to court. If the court gives you permission to pursue your case then a court case will follow.

As Frogsinmygarden has found, even when you are successful, the parents can and often do obstruct the court order giving your GC contact with you.

This can result in endless court hearings and a great deal of expense so think very carefully before pursuing a contact order, and be realistic about your chances of success.

Good luck.

I believe this post was started in February 2018 and the original poster didn't reply.