Yes, I, too, am very impressed with your post. GoodMama! I see Nonnie's and Smileless' point, also, about the "true narcissist." But I think, in some cases, these conflicts are just a matter of each person having difficulty seeing the other person's perspective.
Crafty, I'm so glad your relationship w/ AD is improving. I think you have the right attitude about lowering your expectations and accepting the relationship as it is. It is fortunate, also, that AD accepted the email about GD having a right to her GPs and is, apparently, giving it thought. Ive seen some AC/CIL on MN, etc. brush off that idea as just another tactic that GPs use to try to regain or increase access to their GC. TG, your AD took the idea to heart and has resumed contact to some degree. I hope the situation continues to improve. And hey, kudos to GD! And to AD for training her so well!
Also, I'm glad AD took your advice about her reactions to SIL to heart and didn't see it as "interfering." I realize that since she won't go for professional help, you felt you needed to step in. And I'm glad her marriage seems to have improved since then.
It seems from what you tell us that AD has difficulty w/controlling her temper. Would she consider attending anger management? (I realize you're treading carefully and might not want to make any suggestions right now.)
Ladies, I agree that it looks narcissistic when someone just keeps coming in and out of someone else' life, apparently, at will. But I wonder, sometimes, if that isn't partly a matter of wanting to try again and then finding that the same offenses are committed, causing a new rift. As GoodMama suggests, some AC/CIL may simply not have communicated their wishes clearly enough. Then again, perhaps their parents (or siblings or whoever) have chosen not to respect those wishes or have a hard time doing so. Either way, the offenses are repeated (unsolicited advice, refusal to observe parental wishes for the GC, etc.) and the AC/CIL shut down contact again.
Since I'm not estranged, perhaps I don't have a full grasp of the situation. But, IMO, if you (general) reconcile w/ someone, you need to be careful not to avoid a repeat of the scenarios that led to the original CO. NOT saying the fault is all on one side, but we each can only control our own choices. NOT saying, either, that this has anything to do w/ any of the estrangements posters here have experienced. I'm thinking more of situations like Smileless' EDIL's on-again, off-again relationship w/ her own relatives.