Gransnet forums


Narcissistic adult children

(191 Posts)
craftyone Wed 19-Jun-19 10:03:43

I am trying to uderstand my AD, to learn coping mechanisms for myself. A good video, definitely helping me

Smileless2012 Mon 23-Sep-19 23:06:31

There is nothing wrong with you Sj.

You're feeling what we all feel when our adult child(ren) estrange themselves from us and take away our GC.

You've been through and continue to go through a terrible time and I'm glad that you've found somewhere to unburden.

It's getting late so I'm off to bed but I'll post on here again tomorrow. I didn't want you to do the same and think that no one would respond.

Others will I'm sure and we'll do what we can to help and support you. flowers.

Sjlll Tue 24-Sep-19 00:11:54

Some things I inadvertently left out of my looong story.
Everything was ok between my narcissistic daughter and I until my husband and I discovered that she had been stealing cash, blank checks, made bank. Cash withdrawals and stolen credit card withdrawals for a total of over $25,000.we had to file bankruptcy. My husband and I confronted and she of course blamed it on her bipolar brother and starting making up horror stories about me to anyone who would listen. Typical of her personality disorder.

Smileless2012 Tue 24-Sep-19 09:41:16

Morning Sj I've just re read your post as there was so much there to digest.

I'm so sorry for your situation. We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for almost 7 years. We last saw the eldest at 8 months and have never seen the youngest.

My heart goes out to you and all GP's who have lost their GC having got to know them, love them and built a relationship with them. For those children too, who can no longer spend time with the GP's they love.

We believe our ES's wife to be a narcissist and sadly he is influenced, manipulated and controlled by her; that said, ultimately he is responsible for his decision to cut us out of his and his children's lives.

You say everything was OK with your narc. D until you found she'd been stealing from you. Had you seen any narc. traits in her before that time?

Has she estranged her entire family or just you and your DH?

I was shocked to read that having been custody of your GS by his father, that the courts enabled him to take him away from you and despite your given right to see him, are prevented from doing so.

I'm so sorry for you, your H and your GS.

Sjlll Tue 24-Sep-19 12:04:59

Thank you so much for responding and sharing. While misery loves company, I am deeply saddened that you or anyone else has to live with these issues.

We were able to see my daughter's and stepdaughters's children prior to the discovering the stolen stolen money issue. But once we confronted her she started playing the part of victim and contacted my friends, former friends, inlaws and anyone who would listen to tell them what a horrible person I was. Typical narcissist behavior is to turn as many people against you as possible. It works well for them. It seems to be just me she is attacking.
She was always a challenge after hitting her teen yesrs...drinking, drugging lying. She ran away once then talked her father into taking me to court for custody and after that she did not talk to me for a couple years until she got engaged for the first time. I always knew something was wrong but couldn't give it a name. She refused to stay in counseling long enough for a professional to diagnose her.

Smileless2012 Tue 24-Sep-19 16:12:19

Playing the victim is one of the things narcissists do best Sj. Playing the part of the victim, telling everyone who'll listen how horrible the person/people they've designated as their enemy and abuser is.

They do all that they can to turn others against you and generally speaking, those that fail to go along with them become the narcissists enemy too.

There was a time when we thought we would lose our other son too. Thank God he saw what was going on before it was too late.

Sjlll Wed 25-Sep-19 14:18:12

My bipolar son has a fraternal twin and is one of the Joy's in my life. He is 29 now and was always ostracized by his brother, sister and most of the time by his stepsisters and still is. They always thought him to be "different" and actually I suppose they were correct....he has the soul of a baby boomer not a millennial.

Starlady Wed 25-Sep-19 21:37:16

Welcome, Sjlll! My heart aches for you! I'm glad you found us and feel free to vent here. No doubt, you will get a lot of support.

It sounds as if there has been trouble in your family, unfortunately, for a long time. Your D has been difficult for a long time. Your ESDs (estranged stepdaughters) have "despised (you) for 25 years," for whatever reason. And your ES (estranged son) is bipolar, sadly, which I'm sure impacts his behavior towards you.

I'm horrified by D's stealing and her nasty vilification of you to everyone she could think of! Is it possible she is still "drinking" and "drugging" and that's what is causing this awful behavior? I'm no expert, but Ive heard drug addicts are very dishonest and will do just about anything to get money for their habit. That doesn't make this any easier for you and DH, I realize... sigh...

But I'm a little confused... after that, do you still see D's kids "every 2-3 months?" If so, I'm glad, but I know there must be tension between the adults.

Did the ones who say they "can't trust" you w/ their kids give any reasons? Don't get me wrong, I don't think you're untrustworthy w/ kids, I'm just wondering what in the world they could have said, especially after they have relied on you so much in the past.

I'm glad you have one DS (dear son) who is such a joy. And I'm glad there are other parents and kids who think so highly of you. Please focus on enjoying them, more than hurting over the estranged ones.

Please don't blame all millennials for your estranged AC's behavior though. There are narcissists and people w/ biplolar disorder in every generation. And remember, your DS and those other parents are millennials, too.

craftyone Fri 27-Sep-19 16:50:48

I had an appointment to visit dd last week, she e mailed the day before said she had to do a course for work, so that was that, no more communication and now I have to stand back again and wait

Smileless2012 Fri 27-Sep-19 22:14:33

I'm sorry to hear that crafyone. You were so looking forward to it. I hope you wont have to wait too long before the visit is re arrangedflowers.

Lavazza1st Wed 21-Oct-20 09:09:58

When I had psychology for some damaging behaviour from my Mother, it came out that she was almost certainly a narc. It all makes so much sense and I have been able to study narcissism and find strategies to help me deal with her behaviour as well as learn its the personality disorder speaking. It helps me not feel so broken hearted.

I am pretty sure my ES have it and I was attracted to an abusive narc who is their Dad. I feel like I'm calling everyone a narc, but having had extensive psychology for the damage and having studied narcissism, I don't think I am one. But I maybe do have narcisisstic tendencies I am not aware of???

Smileless2012 Wed 21-Oct-20 11:01:55

When you look at the list of narcissistic personality traits, we all have some of them the difference being that we don't have all of them, and those we do have aren't anything like the extent we see in narcissists.

I've also found that understanding what defines a narcissist and how they function, has helped both me and Mr. S. deal with what's happened because of ES's wife.

What ever helps you not feel so broken hearted is a good thing.

Lavazza1st Wed 21-Oct-20 13:11:36

thanks @Smileless I am pretty sure my DiL1 was also a narc and totally turned my son against us. Unfortunately she wears the trousers in their relationship and has always despised us.

Frogsinmygarden Sun 15-Nov-20 06:33:01

Our EAS is a narcissistic personality. He has one ambition in life: control. He is managing (even through we have successfully been granted a Court Order to see our Granddaughters) to keep them from us. Can someone please tell me what is the point of the court process to gain Grandparental access when the parents can so easily thwart it? We have been to court 4 times, spent money with gay abandon and had our lives and mental health shredded and for what?? What exactly IS the point? EAS is in serious need of mental help. He not only thinks nothing of destroying our lives but that of everyone around him. His weak willed wife goes along with everything he says/ does. But what she doesn't know is that he was emailing his friends (now ex friend) wife asking her to meet up for "fun". He really has no redeeming features at all. He has even estranged his own sister with all the disgusting lies and things he's said in court. Apparently he "mourns not having parents" now. Ha! Unfortunately he has never learned 'you reap what you sow'. He is no longer a son of ours. He is dead to us. Our grandchildren are not and one day they will know EVERYTHING. I will make sure of it.

Sparkling Sun 15-Nov-20 07:17:20

Crafty one, can't say I know anything about a Narcissist, so I will watch the video you suggested. I do think reading your post, a lot of lives are on hold almost hoping for them to change. I think that's a hard call, people are kind and caring by nature. What Smileless has done is reclaim her and husbands lives, I bet that really gets to Dil. It's their way of no way.
I do hope you come to a better place with your daughter, must be so much harder in these times, particularly when you live alone.

Smileless2012 Sun 15-Nov-20 09:58:38

Your post brings into sharp focus the powerless position that GP's find themselves in when they're denied contact with their GC Frogsinmygarden.

Even with a contact order granted by the Courts, we remain totally dependent on the co operation of our GC's parents, and as you have found, there are many ways that parents can thwart contact which can, and in your situation sadly has, resulted in you still being denied that relationship.

You say "he mourns not having his parents now"; I hope in the future he doesn't find himself mourning for one of his own children and GC because an AC of his, following his example, estranges his/her parents and takes away his GC.

Sparklingsmile as you've said, we have worked long and hard almost 8 years now, to reclaim our lives. We knew we had little chance of being successful had we gone to court because we'd never had an established relationship with our then only GC. We were never given that chance and he was less than a year old when the estrangement happened.

That said, being aware of how difficult it is for GP's to succeed in the court process and then knowing how easily parents can still prevent contact taking place, going to court was discounted almost as quickly as it was considered.

I firmly believe that the only way to win the game of a narcissist is to stop playing. For us that meant watching our son and his narcissistic wife walk out of our lives with our only GC.