Is there anyone here whose estranged adult child re-established contact?

I'm not really sure why my dd cut me out of her life 11 years ago just before her wedding. I know my 2nd husband is a problem to both my dc, but to not see my gs, ever, is sole destroying. I have met my gd once. I still get on reasonably with my ex. I often feel I've made my bed and must lie in it. I worked long and hard, had a few weeks off with both my children and retired ,ill, very early with a good pension. I sometimes wonder why, although I do have a good life and really love my dh.

Thankyou Love0c I totally get what you are saying. I really don't feel comfy talking to family about her. It just feels wrong and you never know what has been twisted or exaggerated or what reason they have to make themselves a go-between. So I just don't engage, change the subject, ask how they are doing... Sometimes they don't like that and don't talk to me at all again.

Starblaze I am so sorry you have been treated so unfairly by your NM. I applaud you for not involving yourself in 'giving your side' to the family member. You are clearly moving on and accepting the way you have been treated. I do tend to feel a little uncomfortable for you in relation to this 'close' family member informing you of what your mother has supposedly said. Not helpful I think. Stay as you are, you are doing so well! Inner strength is the best strength to have!

I'm an estranged child and I have been told by a close family member that my NM only has interest in my kids. I've been told that I am supposed to crawl back begging so that she can then cut me off because I have "hurt" her too much by estranging. They thought it was odd that she would say that... I said I wasn't comfortable talking about it because I don't think it is my place to influence her relationships with others. I'm not like her

I know it does beggar belief Smileless. My husband and I have put up with so much 'unfair treatment' trying to keep it polite!! that we have almost buckled under it all. I know we must try to change the way we allow ourselves to be treated. However, it is so damned hard and we don't even really know how to go about it. Trying to think of how and when we could be a bit firmer. A start would be good for us!!

Is there any other relationship where any of us would tolerate being blackmailed, apart from the relationship we have with our own child(ren)n love0c?

If not for some of the sad stories we read here on GN, would we ever have thought it possible that some parents could be held to ransom by their own AC?

Withdrawing themselves and their children unless they get what they want; it beggars belief.

There is a world of difference between helping your AC and allowing yourself to be abused by them . Smileless your last sentence says it all really. I wonder just how many parents even dare to think of putting that to the test? The parents who do are very lucky indeed.

Saying things we later regret happens in all relationships LondonGranny however, your post suggests it was your's and your H's refusal to re lend money that has led to your D cutting you out of her's and her children's lives, rather than the argument that followed.

It's good that your GS who is old enough to make his own decisions contacts you, but a shame that he does so without his parents knowing and that puts you all in an awkward position.

I hope that you find some sort of resolution and IMO you'd be wise to refuse to give your D anything she asks for, until your relationship is on a much better footing.

I'd want to know my AC wanted us for who we are, rather than what we can provide. .

should read 'my husband and I'

Actually my husband and said things we regret, but I have no idea if they regret what they said about us, to be honest, I just hope they do.

My daughter told us never to contact her, or her husband again after we refused to re-lend her our pension pot the day they finally paid it back because my husband wanted to retire and there was a huge row about it. We all said things we regret.
She also told her children to never contact us again (although the eldest does sometimes, he's an adult although it puts all of us in an awkward position because he doesn't want his parents to know).
However she sometimes contacts me by email, always when she wants something and then suddenly drops contact again. She turned up on the doorstep last week but we weren't in. I wouldn't have known unless my neighbour had mentioned it in passing. My neighbour doesn't know about any of this btw.

Smileless2012..I am sorry you have been in this situation...and happy to know you are soldering on in such a positive way..not easy I know. The magistrates accepted I had a close and loving relationship with my grandson..but my son and his partner were so opposed to me seeing him...that my grandson...would be caught in the middle...My son has had his 'pound of flesh'...he gets no more from...your words have really helped..and sorry for rambling on....let's hope your future holds more happiness..I will think of u..x

We did look into going to court Unhappy but decided against as we last saw our GC when he was just 8 months old and weren't even in a position to show that we'd established a relationship with him because we hadn't.

TBH I'm shocked that you failed as you clearly did have a relationship with your GC. One and a half hours a month, how ridiculous. So much for the Children Act which states that children have a right to know their extended family.

So they lied, presumably under oath; it seems there are no depths that some wont sink too. I'm so sorry and hope that you'll be able at some point to move on from this.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 6.5 years. We have managed to re build our lives and have found peace and happiness. I hope that eventually you'll be able to do so.

Just to add to my post...you are charged a fee of around £250 for application to court...if on pension...you can apply for help with fees...I did this and was not charged...I was on pension credit..

Thank you so much smileless2012....it does help when people give positive feedback...I received formal confirmation from court today saying case dismissed. Tbh the court was only considering 1 and half hours per month...meeting in a public place...not allowed to take him out in my car..parents said they had concerns over my driving(been driving 39yrs..no Accidents ithankfully) How on earth would I have had a relationship with my grandson? I hope my post does not deter other grandparents for going to court...I tried I failed...but I'm sure others may succeed...the law should change for sure...sign me up...thank u again..

A shocking tale of use and abuse Unhappy; I'm so sorry.

It's a terrible thing to do to you and to your GS. Taking away the grand mother he knows and loves is unforgivable. You've done all that you can and hopefully one day you'll be able to tell your GS how hard you fought to stay in his life.

You may like to take a look at the 'Support for those living with estrangement' thread. It really does help sharing with those in the same situation as yourself.

Thank you minniemoo...I was only in court yesterday..when I didn't win my case...I only joined gransnet today...and found so many heartbreaking stories..people like yourself offer the support that people need at times like this. One thing that has come thru..is that people are blaming themselves...please don't turn on yourself...you've done it best...

That's a very sad story, Unhappy1. And how dreadfully sad for your grandson.

People can be so hurtful. It usually catches up with them as they age but that's no use in the here and now. .

It's definitely not you. He has decided that this is how he wants to live.

I think you are doing the right thing.

I believe that he will live to regret all this.

Hello purpletin...unfortunately my story of reconciliation does not have a happy ending.
My son did not see or speak to me for 14 years or his sister for 19 yrs following a dispute over his father's will..of which both me and my daughter had nothing to do with.
Out of the blue 14 years later he contacted me following the birth of his son.
For the.next 5 yrs I was close to him and my grandson..providing childcare. He still didn't speak to his sister.
I reached a point where I couldn't provide childcare..my daughter was diagnosed with RA and needed my support.
Literally overnite cut me out of his and my grandsons life. I applied for child access thru the courts..9 mths later..many court appearances...case dismissed. My son and partner lied throughout..
He had only got in touch for childcare.
For many years I blamed myself....no more....I am now ashamed of my son..using his own child as a weapon...he has sold his house and will not give me his address..I will not see my grandson again.

I've decided it's not me it's him...I'm not going to make excuses for him anymore. I'm ashamed of what a heartless cruel man he's become..blaming and hating me for things that happened in the distant past.

He has now lost both his sister and me.

No more tears..I believe in karma. I do not need his hate of me and his sister in my life. We never deserved it.

I recently met with my ED at her request after being able to see my GD in many months only to be told, once again, I'm not enough and there are new hurdles to jump through to see my grandchildren. It's all about control and power since no one else is required to perform these manipulative tricks for visitation. Going back to NC as the BS hit overload!

How lovely, Yoga! Enjoy your new puppy!

That's lovely Yogagirl I'm so pleased you've got another little dog, they make a house a home don't they.

Hello Smileless
Hope all's well with you & Mr.S. I dip in from time to time, but fine when I do the situation goes to the front of my brain and I go back to thinking of them all the time and feeling very sad at not watching my beloved GD&GS grow up.

I now have a sweet little furchild called Joey, 3yrs in August, from the Basildon dog's trust. He's a Maltese Pomeranian, very loving and well behaved, we give each other the love we have both lost.

I'm going to read that article posted on the support page now.

Hi Yogagirl, good to see your post. I remember that story too, or a very similar one. Horrible.

Yes. A few years ago, I had a disagreement with my son's girlfriend and he took her side against me (which is natural). I hoped we would make up and made a point of sending birthday and Christmas cards. A short time ago, I got a very pleasant e-mail from him and I'm pleased to say that we are friends again.