Thoughts and opinions (The Friendly Version)

Or perhaps the genuine attempts at discussion, requests for change, or pleas for consideration were shrugged off until it was too late?

In most cases I would believe it’s this. However, that’s because that’s the scenario I’ve seen most often with friends

Sure, OutsideDave- There's the shy individual or one who doesn't want to make waves - Someone who really dislikes confrontation and/or uncomfortable discussions- They could be pushed to their limit without saying anything prior to the last straw- Then ghost/not answer calls/cutoff or blowup, spilling it all out at once- So many different personalities to consider .. and circumstances-

I am a very shy person and I did manage to tell my NM (narcissistic mother) on a few occasions while crying that her behaviour had hurt me. It was either denied or turned around on me. I tried changing her behaviour by ignoring it. I tried changing me into whatever I thought would please her. Nothing worked so I went NC (No contact) before I knew all the jargon etc. I was very clear why to her because I thought it was fair that she understand. She still manages to get through the odd message to me or one of my children that she doesn't know why! I'm so happy with my life now, I even went back to college last year and I will have a diploma at the end of this year. I'm thinking of going for a degree! She never went to college and threw me out the first time around because she thought college students were all on drugs and I must be doing them. I do think about her though and wonder if there is something else I could have tried.

Starblaze, perhaps some assertiveness training would have helped you. There must have been a point where you could have got some mediation, this could have taken the heat out of one on one time with your DM. I don't know your circumstances but I can tell your DM is reaching out by contacting you. Why don't you give her a chance? Did you have such a bad relationship with her that you can't try to reconcile? Do you even consider what your estrangement is doing to her or don't you care? Imagine if your children cut you off, how would you feel? It's awesome that your doing well in your studies, I'm sure she'd like to know that. Such a shame you can't put the past behind you and celebrate your achievements with your DM.

Joyfulnanna……

rosecaramel….I agree, so many circumstances, still the same conclusion.

Accepting someone for who they are, instead of who you want them to be, is a good place to start- Anyone can begin to see a relationship differently from that vantage point- Then determine to back further away or take a step closer-

Joyful she had her chance, I tried for 40 years. I don't have a DM I have a NM. Any messages she has sent are just for the benefit of people she shows them to, nothing like she would talk to me in person. Even my kids know that and can't stand her, I wouldn't stop them having a relationship if they wanted to. They witnessed far too much. I wonder if there was something I could have tried... Far too late now. She should have apologised or come to counselling or mediation when I gave her the chance. Narcissists don't change, although there are probably people who give them as good as they get and manage that way, that's just not me.

I'm so sorry for you, 40 years of trying must have drained you. Keep up the studies and enjoy the journey.

Thankyou Joyfulnanna my phone does not like me typing that and wants to change it to joyful Anna lol

Even if you can give as good as you get Starblaze what's the point?

You can spend your time and energy ducking and diving the insults, the innuendos and challenging the out right lies but there comes a point when you can't be bothered anymore.

If that's what some want to believe, if that's how they want to portray you then let them get on with it. Spend your time and energy, and give your love to those who love you in return, warts and all; life's too short.

Thankyou Smileless2012 that really helped. Sounds like you have also met a narcissist. I sometimes think if I could press a button and every one of them would drop dead.... OK I couldn't do that but the world would be such a better place. Be nice if we could at least put a big red spot on their foreheads and avoid them that way

Yes that would be good wouldn't it Starblaze but they're so good at hiding their true nature that they'd probably find a way of hiding that 'big red spot' too.

True nature isn't a person's worse behavior- Everyone suffers-