ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Hello

I’ve been reading many of these threads, desperate to find answers.
I can’t say much , I’m worried I’ll be identified. My eldest daughter is in her 30s . She has had a few disappointments over recent years . She is very competitive and things haven’t worked out for her as she hoped . She seems to be increasingly jealous of her younger sister .
I was also accused of being jealous of my younger sisters when I was a similar age . I try to point out to my eldest that things aren’t as they seem on the surface.
The eldest has started a pattern of cutting contact with us all. We all make strenuous efforts to maintain contact . After a few months there would be a text. No explanation or apology .
It’s happening again . This time my husband is saying he’s not chasing her.
She has sent very nasty texts which I’ve tried not to rise to. She’s saying others are favoured and she’s treated unfairly . Factually wrong. She has been given far more financially than her brothers and sisters . It’s true that we see more of her brothers and sisters but they live nearby. I hate to say it but her behaviour is very unpleasant . The last time she visited she caused chaos .
We suspect she has mental health issues . We know she has had some treatment . I’m aware this sounds like blame and I don’t mean that .
I feel like as though I’m being punished for my own behaviour when younger . I wanted to cut my parents off when I was in my 20s . I didn’t . My mother used to say she hoped one day I’d have a nasty daughter who treats me like she said I treated her ( this was a response to the few times I expressed my feelings to her)
I feel helpless in the face of the inevitable. My husband has none of this in his family so I’m looking to him to decide how to proceed. I know I’m repeating patterns .He said he’s had enough. Not to plead for contact . He said not to discuss what she has said with her sisters . He’s right about that.
I’m sorry for the rambling post . I could write pages .
Does anyone have any wisdom because I’m all out

Sorry , i didn’t mean to post in this thread . I meant to start a thread

No wisdom I'm afraid Nothisagain but a degree of understanding.

Your husband has said "he's not chasing her" and "not to plead for contact" or "discuss what she has said with her sisters" and as you have said, he's right.

Your D appears to have issues that only she can deal with. You can help of course but only if she wants that help and accepts it.

You say you feel as if you're being punished for your own behaviour when younger. Please don't feel this way, you may find that counselling would help you to address these feelings; have you ever considered this?

None of us are perfect, I always say that we are imperfect adults, who became imperfect parents and did our best to raise our imperfect children.

It's so hard sometimes not to repeat with our own children, what we experienced with our own parents and found hurtful and/or unhelpful.

My advice for what it's worth, is not to contact your D. Do what you would normally do at Christmas, sending a card and gift for example, but apart from that do nothing.

It wont be easy especially as you have concerns for your D's mental health but realistically as things are, I don't see what other options are open to you at this time..

Thank you very much for your comments .
I appreciate another perspective very much as I no longer trust myself .
My husband gets exasperated when I ‘blame myself’ as he puts it .I’m not trying to blame myself exactly , I’m trying to see patterns and to own whatever part I have . My husband says my daughter’s behaviour is linked to her mental health problems and she’s not herself.
I’m now even more hyper aware of treating everyone fairly and am terrified of inadvertently doing something which adds more grist to the mill .
I’m a carer and alone indoors a lot so am brooding too much . The only person who knows what’s happening is my husband

Being "hyper aware" of everything you're doing and saying and more than likely thinking and feeling isn't going to help Nothisagain, it's only going to increase the brooding that you're already doing.

It's good to look inward and see what may have been things that you've done which with hindsight you regret but I would suggest again, that you do so with a professional counsellor or therapist. Doing so will enable you to keep things in perspective which I feel would be very beneficial not just for you, but your family as a whole.

Thanks for your thoughts

I will think about your idea of therapy although I think of it as for people with real illness or trauma !
I look after our disabled daughter ( the semi estranged daughter ignores her which I find hurtful) so finding the time and money for therapy would not be easy! I suppose that’s why I’m posting here .
Thanks again

What you're going through is real trauma. We've been estranged from one son and only GC for 7 years.

Estrangement or semi estrangement is heartbreaking Nothisagain and the pain it causes shouldn't be underestimated.

I'm glad you've found here to post and I hope you'll find it helpful.

Take care and keep posting.

Nothisagain, there are lots ofmeans tested councellors in the UK, you can self refer and there should be info on the NHS website. A lot of them are Christian based but if you aren't religious they help in other ways. Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen. I only paid 10 a week and it did me so much good.

I’ll look into that . Thank you

I feel a bit better just for posting .
I am concerned that despite his words my husband is being deeply affected . He is a selfless father. He has some health issues which are being exacerbated by the situation . He isn’t someone who talks about his feelings but he isn’t sleeping which is very unlike him

My score was zero. I had good, hard working, sensible and strict working class parents. Not much money but I knew I was loved and wanted. My adult children would score 1 as we got divorced.

I wondered how to define ‘often’ in the descriptors. Am I being thick ?

I don't know if our ACs always tell us everything that happens. They sometimes go through things that impact them and they don't even know it has impacted them. Lots of love and support is the answer, even when hurt people lash out at those closest to them. Some situations are just awful and really tough so parents need support and a good listener too

No Nothisagain you're not "being thick", you can only go by your own interpretation of how many times or how few, something happens before you regard it as 'often'.

I'm glad you feel better for posting. You're DH is bound to be affected by what's going on and it's hard to know to what extent if he doesn't like to discuss his feelings.

Perhaps a talk where you say how you're feeling and some of those feelings are bothering you, might allow him to open up about his own, if only to reassure you.

Starblaze, I agree that people in general don't tell each other everything be it intentional or forgetfulness or simply because they don't even know themselves what happened therefore can't explain it-

But then again speaking to anyone who has a fixed, rigid opinion about something, the discussion tends to be circular, start to finish- As if nothing new was discovered since the subject was last discussed or anything that was said got "through" to at least be considered - The opinion or "story", be it false or true, is reinforced with each telling of it-

On the other hand ..

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein is a story that can be read again and again that gently loosens fixed views- I don't know if that was the authors intention ..

Happy thanksgiving to anyone who celebrates the day in their own way!

Happy thanksgiving Rhinestone

Yes I see what you mean Rosecarmel. Sometime you just have to be the bigger person to stop the merrygoround so you can get off.

I will look into that book