*SUPPORT* for all who are living with estrangement

I had some lovely news yesterday (no, not DGD2, although DD has reported 'twinges'!).

A few years ago we met a couple on holiday, whom we became friendly with. After the holiday we kept in contact and I shared with them my anguish over my estrangement from DD1. In return, they shared their grief over the husband's own long estrangement from one of his adult daughters (the wife's stepdaughter, although I think the estrangement happened before she was on the scene). It was all very sad and the husband had virtually given up any thoughts of seeing his daughter again, although he clearly still loved her, had left her in his will etc. What was even more tragic was that the husband had endured several aggressive attacks of cancer and, frankly, it is a miracle that he is still alive, as the odds against it were incredibly high. His daughter knew about the cancer but showed no care or concern and did not visit him when he was so ill. It sounded like a sad and hopeless situation.

Anyway, just recently, the DGD made it clear to her mother that she wanted contact with her GF, and the daughter agreed, although I don't know how willingly. However, the GD is now well into her teens and old enough to make up her own mind. She has been to stay with our friends, the visit went very well, they have been spending time together and getting to know one another, and are clearly building a strong bond. The wife is even teaching her to cook for her Duke of Edinburgh award. Against all odds, the husband is not only still alive, but has his granddaughter back in his life. It is obviously going to be their best Christmas ever!

I wanted to share this lovely story, actually not a story because it's true, not only as it is so wonderful to see a happy ending, but also because it shows that there is always hope, especially where DGCs are concerned. I believe that any child growing up is going to question not only his/her parentage, but will also want to know about their GP. In this age of social media, it is easy for them find us so, although things often can and do seem very dark and hopeless, they may not alway remain that way. If we try to stay positive, with love in our hearts, there is every reason to believe that one day things will come good, and that our current sadness and desperation will be overcome by great joy and celebration.

That's lovely PF and brought tears to my eyes.

It does make you wonder what if any, the impact would be on the GD's relationship with her mother and how that could have been very difficult had her GF not survived against the odds and she'd never got to know him.

I'm sitting here trying to imagine their joy as they look forward to what you say will probably be their best Christmas ever.

We're really struggling this year with the whole Christmas thing; I don't know why. 7 years of estrangement and this our 8th Christmas, it does seem strange that we're finding this year particularly difficult.

We love Christmas and when we moved here 3 years ago one of the new 'traditions' we decided to start was to put all of our decorations up on December 1st but apart from the tree and rather conspicuous stag on the roof terrace, we haven't done anything else.

With friends coming on Sunday we're going to get the house decorated on Saturday. Hopefully while we're doing that and listening to our Christmas music our spirits will be lifted.

We're thinking of going away for Christmas next year if DS doesn't come back for it. Something we were determined never to do as, it sounds silly really, we viewed that as running away and not dealing with our estrangement, the difference it's made to our lives that we just have to get on with.

Before we moved, my cousin whose a psychologist once told me that when driving past their house, not looking at it took more sub conscious discipline than I was aware of. I've been thinking about that the last few days and wonder if that's why we're finding this Christmas particularly hard.

Maybe after 7 years and with the 8th Christmas on the horizon, not allowing our estrangement to dictate and 'ruin' our lives has taken more out of us than we realised.

Perhaps if we do decide to go away for Christmas next year, we'll just be giving our selves a well deserved mental break.

Twinges!!! well that could mean that it wont be long now. Keeping you, your DD and soon to be here DGD2 in my thoughts.

smileless you sound so sad today.

I hope your spirits are lifted with your decorations Saturday.

I think going away next Christmas is a brilliant idea. Maybe head somewhere you’ve always wanted to go?

Oh Smileless, I am so sorry that you are having a bad day, my dear. Christmas is always a bad time, especially if it was a big thing in your household and holds a lot of memories of happier times.

I agree with Summer that going away is a brilliant idea. You can still catch up with friends, exchange cards and presents, eat mince pies, drink mulled wine, go to a carol service, maybe even put up a few decorations before you go, so that you sample the highlights of Christmas - but then jet off somewhere you want to go for Christmas Day itself. You can have sunshine or snow, whatever you want, delicious food, Christmas gift wrapped and presented to you with no trouble or slaving over a hot turkey or goose or whatever. And you and Mr S can have a lovely time together and create some new memories.

Honestly, much as I like Christmas, I would jump at the chance to do something different - we did go away once, when the DC were younger - and it was fabulous! We have friends who always do that and they love it. My DF when he was alive would have spent every Christmas away if he could have done so.

Of course it is not running away from something, it's running towards something new and different and exciting. Go for it! In fact, it's probably not too late to book for this year, as there are lots of holiday bargains being advertised. Why not look at some brochures or on line? That is something which always cheers me up.

However, I do worry that Santa will get confused when he come round to do his delivery and might report you to the RSPCA for abandoning Rudolph on your roof!

Sending you lots of love and hugs. xx

Thank you Summerlove and PF it means so much when you've posted here because you're having a bad few days, to be responded too so quickly with kindness and understanding.

Too late to do anything different this year as 'holiday accommodation' has to be organised for 2 dogs and a cat, and we're off to Aus. on 6th January for 3 glorious weeks with DS.

Good point about Rudolph PF, he might get lonely if we abandon him on his first Christmas.

Thanks again, you've both lifted my spirits this morning.

Oh Smileless, this is such an awful time for you and Mr S and all who are going through similar.

Love, hugs, hope and
Never give up hope xx

crazy thank you

Hi there Smileless, just seen your post. So sorry you are feeling somewhat 'low'. You have a lot on your mind at the moment. Sorting Christmas for friends and family here and then thinking about and sorting your Aus holiday to see your DS. Then on top of that you have the 'elephant in the room' on your mind to top it all off. No wonder you feel a bit low! A lot to cope with all at once even though it will be a joyous occasion for you in Aus. Travelling is stressful. I would love to be able to snap my fingers and be 'there'!! Take each day as it comes and work through all your jobs. To go after Christmas to Aus is a brilliant time, the best time! It is all over here so you can just enjoy your holiday in Aus. Then the better weather will be on the way, promise!! sending lots of hugs xxx

Smileless- Just think, in a few short weeks, Christmas will be over - although I am sure you will enjoy it more than you think- everyone will be back to work, it will be cold and grey, and you will be going for a fabulous three weeks of sunshine and joy with your beloved DS and family.

In the meantime, give Rudolph a carrot from me!

You're absolutely right loveOc and funnily enough I've been making a mental list of what I want to get done tomorrow.

Mr. S. will be out for most of the day which gives me plenty of uninterrupted time; great minds think alike.

We spoke to DS on Sunday and he was sat outside enjoying a lovely warm evening with a in his hand. I got quite emotional at the thought of in just a few weeks, we'll be sitting there with him.

I'm determined to get through my list of jobs tomorrow as I keep putting them off and know I'll feel better for getting them done.

I'm sure you're right PF how lovely you are to be so supportive when you have so much on your mind. Thank you and Rudolph says 'thank you for reminding her to feed me'.

Thanks for the hugs and xxx loveOc.

The silver lining in the cloud of estrangement is all the wonderful people it brings into your life.

That was so nice to read PF thank you for sharing.
I'm sorry about your sadness smileless - Christmas really is a challenge.
I sometimes think we have to develop coping strategies and resilience, and they do work to some extent, especially with the support we get on here and where we can, but coping and being strong is a big effort, even when it works, it can be so draining.
I sometimes imagine how I wish things were and I imagine it would be so light and happy in comparison to the struggle of makig the best of things.
So I think whatever works to make things easier. Go away for Xmas. Have a whole team of reindeer on the roof. Whatever helps.
I do think getting jobs out of the way can lighten the load. When I'm at my worst I often make myself do something mindless that I really don't enjoy, if I possibly can, like clean the bathroom - I figure I'm not in a frame of mind to enjoy anything so I might as well get something I don't like out of the way.
Hugs from me too. xxx

It's the jobs we don't want to do, that we can't be bothered to do that we put of isn't it hugshelp. I'll have to come back tomorrow and tell you if I got through my list.

Mr. S. would be thrilled at the prospect of a whole team of reindeer on the roof terrace; think I'll keep that idea under my hat.

Thanks for the hugs Hugs[tchsmile}.

Every time I go into the kitchen which is far too often, I'm faced with constant reminders that I still haven't filled the pot holes in the walls where the plug sockets were moved by the electrian 2 weeks ago.

I will. Tomorrow. Definitely Sunday. Next Tuesday, at the very latest. I must not procrastinate. I must not procrastinate. I must not procrastinate

Chewbacca

Morning Smileless, hope you'e feeling a bit better today. Hope you have that list ready! I've got mine ready. Not sure I look like the look of mine though. fancy swopping?! ha ha

Don't think mine will be any better loveOc I've a lot of paperwork to get through. Preparing and sending invoices for our church and doing the end of year accounts for our branch of the Mother's Union; just hope that balances first time.

I am feeling better todaythanks to all of you.

Shall we come back later, when we've got through our lists?

Well that's the biggest job donehow are you getting on loveOc?

Just back from returning a present or two! my husband asked me, 'are we keeping anything?' Cheeky blighter, ha ha. Bought a few more and replaced returns, so a good job done! Had a quick sandwich and now off to walk our son's dog in our local park. Son and DIL on holiday for a few days. They facncied getting away before Christmas. My DH and myself would have liked to as well but we couldn't as we have to dogsit!! Ha Ha Ha!!! Need to put our tree up as well yet!

Jobs done we'll be putting the tree up tomorrow.

Smileless just got the tree up. Had DH take the new coloured lights back and swop for warm white, !! he he. Looks lovely!!! Oh and enjoying a glass of white wine now too. Sorted!

Smileless Just seen your post from yesterday; sorry you were/are feeling down. Christmas can be such a hard time.

Well done loveOc looks like we've both had a successfully productive day. I'm enjoying a glass of red; cheers.

Cheers Smileless!!! hic

Cheers from me too! ?

Ha ha that's three of us enjoying a tipple!