*SUPPORT* for all who are living with estrangement

Thank you lovely ladies. Hubby is here today. We've been waiting in for some people to come look at our stairs. We had a stairlift fitted a few years ago. They fitted it over the carpet. Unfortunately unbeknown to us they didn't fit it right and, as we were recently prepping to redecorate we cut the carpet away at the sides, and when we did huge chunks of our stone stairs fell away.
The stairlift ppl have been and disconnected the stairlift and we are waiting for a 'specialist' to come decide if the stairs are safe.
Sometimes I wonder who cursed me...
Still I had a nap after a cry and am going to potter on with a few jobs and keep everything crossed that at least this will turn out ok...
I see so many similarites in our stories smileless, thanks for being there.
Sorry you're not really enjoying your holiday as you should be dolcelatte - it's awful when you're trying, and going through motions, but your heart isn't in it. I do hope you get some good from it. x

How are you today Hugs?

Been very busy today which is good I suppose dolcelatte, how about you?

It is good that you've been keeping busy hugshelp.

I hope you're enjoying your holiday Dolcelatte.

Lovely to read these posts from EGs supporting each other! I’m off on olidays for a week and may not catch up every day but be assured I’m wishing you an easier time than you’ve had in the past- chin up girls x

Sat knitting last night and realised I had tears streaming down my face but it was odd because I wan't thinking about anything I was just concentrating on the pattern. Realised I was simply missing our son, all the other emotions have slipped away at it's just pure pain like a hole. Fell asleep in tears, slept more soundly than usual and woke up with tears on my face. I feel like there's a huge hole in my life but at the same time I'm aware my son is alive, in the world, and his feet are in contact with the same lump of rock as mine.
It feels like a huge wave of pain that I'm somehow riding. Plan to give the living room a good clean today and do some more knitting and will probably cry some more, but it feels needed.
Have a lovely holiday Pantglas.

Oh hugs, I am so sorry. It’s like a gnawing pain that won’t go away, isn’t it? As our DC are part of us, however old they are, we feel as though part of us has been ripped out, leaving that big hole you describe so eloquently. Be kind to yourself. Sleep is often healing.

I think you are right to try to keep busy, maybe see friends even if you don’t feel like it. Then you are forced to put on a brave face and in acting it, often it becomes the reality and your mood is lifted - at least that works for me.

I am much brighter than I was at the beginning of the week. Today is the last day of my holiday. Pantglas, I hop you enjoy yours.

I'm glad you are feeling brighter Dolcelatte. I'm happy for you, and seeing other people weather this storm gives me comfort and hope.

I think I have to hope for healing for myself and keep only a tiny spark of hope of reconcilliation one day open, but that is still hope.

The living room is clean, and a clean tidy house always makes me feel a bit better. I've put a lentil bolognese in the slow cooker. I'm going to spend some time on hobbies for a bit, things I never have the time for, I'm making time for. A bit too teary to face rl people but I'm going to chat with puter friends on and off.

Wishing you all a good day. x

hugshelp it's good to cry, to let go of all that pain.

I feel better too when the house is clean and tidy. It helps to see the things in our lives that we do have control over, helps to make us feel less vulnerable.

Both my gran and my mum were excellent knitters, I was hopeless. I tired when I was pregnant with DS but if I went wrong I had to wait for gran or mum to sort out the mess I'd made. It would usually end in tears from me, out of sheer frustration. In 7 months I managed one little jacket, and it was so bad I never put it on DS.

Although things have been difficult with your son, these are very early days in terms of knowing that he has no intentions of getting in touch. Be gentle with yourself and sleep whenever you need too.

I agree with Dolcelatte that sleep is good. It's the body's way of 'shutting down' for a while so we can rest from the pain.

Enjoy the last day of your holiday Dolcelatte, I hope that you've benefited from 'getting away from it all' even though of course you're carrying so much emotionally at the moment.

Have a great holiday and thanks for all your supportive, informative and compassionate posts.

Sorry hugshelp I should have written 'has no intentions of getting in touch at this point in time. I didn't intend to sound so negative.

Hugs

I'm sorry. It sounds as if today was a hard day for you.

I believe there's actually scientific evidence showing that knitting and similar activities promote mental health. I don't knit, although I would love to learn, and have knitted in the past - I made a scarf more than 20 years ago. I do cross stitch and embroider, and find those very therapeutic.

One thing you might consider is the possibility of knitting for a cause. Sometimes hospitals will have a ladies' auxiliary or "friends of the hospital" organization that will ask people to knit items such as hats for new babies. There are organizations such as Knitted Knockers that accept donations of knitted breast prosthetics for women who have had breast cancer. (I believe they provide you with a pattern.) Many women find that the knitted prosthetics are lighter, softer, and more comfortable than conventional prosthetics.

Just a suggestion.

Thanks hugs and Smileless. I do think I have benefited from being away. I generally find that being ‘in transit’ or on neutral territory enables me to think more clearly. The holiday was both cathartic and healing. I had time for reflection and met new friends. It was apparent from chatting to them, as I have always found with existing friends, that most families have or have had fractures and problems- although not everyone chooses to share them. However, scratch the surface of the majority of people, and you will find an emotional dilemma, whether it be a marriage problem, friendship issue, dispute with siblings, parents or children. Human beings are complicated and this is reflected in their relationships with their nearest and dearest.

What I am trying to say is that whilst we feel isolated and overwhelmed by our personal pain and individual suffering, we are not alone. If I hold that thought, sometimes- not always- it enables me to stand back and be philosophical. Maybe this period of estrangement is and has been something which has been necessary for my daughter and I to grow, as well as the family. The rest of us are all much closer as a result and it is lovely to see the bond which has developed between my other daughters, and their love and concern for me. As for DD1, I need to let go to enable her to come back more fully in time. Sometimes, you just have to trust and put your faith into the unknown.

It is natural to want quick solutions, especially when we live in a quick fix society, but sometimes this is just not achievable and we have to accept this or drive ourselves mad. I totally agree with Smileless that it is the lack of control which is so frustrating and difficult to come to terms with. We are used to examining a problem, arriving at a solution, and implementing it. Estrangement is so difficult and challenging because the tried and tested approaches don’t work. The solution is out of our hands, at least for a while. It’s like being a ship tossed in the storm - all we can do is pray to a higher force for deliverance and a safe harbour. We have no map, the itinerary is unknown, as is the length of the journey. Thus we can make ourselves feel better in the short term by cleaning our houses or anything else where we have control and can affect the outcome.

Hugs, I know you are in despair at present - we on this thread understand full well the depths of this pain and send you our love and support. All of us have been tossed by those powerful waves, but we are still bobbing about, not yet submerged or sunk. Could you maybe try to step back a little, not give up hope, but accept that the journey may be longer than anticipated. In the meantime, we need to swab the decks and get on with our everyday lives. Just keep rowing the boat.

@agnurse. It sounds as though the knitting for a cause is something which you have researched and would really benefit from. Why don’t you give it a go?

What an eloquent post dolcelatte. While your holiday may have been a mixture of things, not all pleasant, you do seem to have used it to reach a good place. I so understand your frustration now, I'm a fixer and have a tendency to panic when things are out of control so I really relate to what you are saying. It is wonderful to hear the rest of your family is closer. I can feel the love for your family throughout your post, it's amazing that sometimes our loved ones don't see it.

Feeling calmer today, and yes I suppose I have taken a step back. As our ES seems to change what he says constantly, when I hear of it, I'm probably putting too much faith in his last pronouncement. That is probably why our DD seemed so nonplussed, she's no doubt heard way more than us and can see the inconstancy. I imagine he's got to a point, and I'm only guessing, where he's as tired of the turmoil as we are and just feels like giving up, if he can't get his head straight. I can only hope things turn around somehow one day.

Thank you so much everyone for being here.

Thank you for the knitting for a cause suggestion agnurse.
I actually have a knitting cause bookmarked that I want to knit for. It's called 'knitting for peace' and it's mission is to send warm knitted things to all those who need them. I haven't started yet as I'm still familiarising myself with what exactly they want although I have started supporting them a bit on social media to spread the word while I get sorted.

In the meantime I have too many projects on the go that I need to finish. Currently I'm on DDs birthday gift. It's a tradition now that we make each other handmade gifts and, as her birthday is in November and she aims to have a huge Christmas tree covered entirely in hand-made decorations I'm knitting some baubles. She knits some herself and her collection is growing. I always make her tree decorations and give her yarn for her birthday as well as a few other things. I taught her to knit when she was little, but now she's way better than me and is teaching me back. Plus I'm on with Christmas making - a new stocking for DD ( a new one every year with a gift in then they all get hung up as decorations - some are tiny enough to go on the tree), DH is getting an owl doorstop (he's passionate about owls) and knitted socks. And I've got a jumper and cardi on the go for me.

Meanwhile I have a grill to clean. This is not something I class as fun but I'm rewarding myself by making apple crumble with apples from our tree and extra knitting time.

Wishing you all a lovely day. xx

Thank you hugs. I am so pleased that you are feeling calmer and have taken a step back. It sounds as though you have lots of interesting projects on the go, and I hope your apple crumble was as delicious as it sounds! Just try to keep hope in your heart and a spring in your step - everything changes, nothing stays the same.

I cannot believe that our AC feel nothing for us. I believe that love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin and that, to treat someone with hatred or in a hateful manner, you actually have to really love them, deep down, even if you don't always realise it.

Wishing everyone a good week!

Dolcelatte

I cannot speak to your particular situation, but having read the experiences of EC, many of them agonize over going NC. It isn't that they don't love their parents. In most cases, IME, it's that they cannot handle having their parents in their lives.

My kid is currently estranged from her mother (long story). I know that it's agonizing for her. She loves her mum. But she can't handle her mum's behaviour.

Hate is a manifestation of greed, of wanting people, situations and things to be different, to seek agreement and expectations- And single out an enemy or enemies to blame- Compassion has none of the above-

In the experiences of EC that you have read I'm sure "many of them agonise over going NC" but there are many who have not estranged because they "cannot handle their parents in their lives" agnurse.

When your AC estranges you after a loving and caring relationship, and that estrangement coincides with them forming a relationship with a new partner, then clearly it has nothing to do with the EAC not being able to have their parents in their lives, it is their partner who has the issue.

When the aforementioned is the case, it is totally understandable that the parents question whether their EAC loves them. We question it and I wonder if he our ES ever really did.

For me it was anger at first, waking up from a nightmare. Anger faded though. After the anger came the realisation that I wasn't going to go back. That was incredibly heartbreaking. When I was hurt, sad and angry there was always love.

Children of abusive parents, they don't stop loving their parents, they stop loving themselves.

If I didn't have my own children, my own loved ones, I think I would have kept taking it. My children needed me though. So love took me away and I never stopped loving her. I just can't make whatever made her hurt me, better. Simple self preservation.

Starblaze. I'm glad that you have woken from your nightmare; maybe one day we'll be able to wake up from ours.

Starblaze, it's spot on, what you say about loving the abusive parent. Abused children often blame themselves. I thought I must be 'bad'. It's still in there, somewhere, too.

Recently, I tripped over and really hurt myself. I really should have had an X ray, seen the doctor, but I didn't. Why? Instantly, the guilt emerged from sixty years ago - and the 'conversation':

Why did I have to make a fuss? It was only an accident. I got in her way. Did I want to make her feel bad? 'Don't you tell your dad!'

How can I explain the big scar, the old fracture that's not on my medical records? I think it's broken again so I'm seeing the GP on Thursday - and I'm scared! It's ridiculous as she died two years ago, I never forgot but forgave her, always loved her, but still I feel I'm betraying her!

Hetty it's OK to take care of yourself, have someone take care of you. The Doctor does a job, he is paid to look after you. It's also OK to tell him the truth. The truth of what happened doesn't mean you didn't love her, it's not disrespectful, it's just honest. You deserve to be looked after in any way you need, mentally and physically.

Hettyit's awful that you felt unable to see your GP; well done for making the appointment. It isn't ridiculous so please don't think it is.

Perhaps you could let us know how you get on on Thursday and you're OK.

Hello everyone? Hope all is well with you - thought I’d check in as I haven’t seen any postings on the estrangement threads for a while.....

Reporting back! I'm very lucky as no break this time, just bruising. I explained very matter-of-factly and didn't feel like I was telling tales, thank Heavens. It's so strange how events in the distant past can resurface and make us feel bad and behave in odd ways!

Great minds PantglasI was about to do the same thing.

We've been living here at the coast for almost 3 years and the other day, for the first time I saw some porpoises. There was about 10 and they were all in the same area so we thought they must have been fishing.

A wonderful sight and about time for me as Mr. S. seen some and dolphins when he's been walking the dogs and I haven't been with him.

I thought he was making it up.