@Anna4 whatever the germ of this situation which is probably been brewing a while & has many players, you need a plan.
You particularly need a plan to get you through Christmas otherwise you’ll be in possibly a worse place than now. As we all know all the whoo-hah of any family festive season brings out the very best & worst in families.
Do not expect any reconciliation before or at Christmas. It may happen, but make other plans. Places are booking fast, but could you go to a lovely hotel for a 3 day escape, somewhere by the sea. It may mean a child-free Christmas but you will have lovely food, sumptuous decorations & convivial company. Everyone who goes wants to have a good time. We have done this a couple of times after major bereavements when we could not manage the family dramas nor summon the Christmas spirit for ourselves. We met many charming people who for a variety of reasons did not want a family Christmas at home. If not the big spend stayaway, could you go to a friend’s for Christmas ?
Of course, the easiest thing logistically is to stay put & have Christmas Day as usual - I noted that you mentioned the family days were up to Christmas Eve so I assume you did something without them on Christmas Day. My point is that you distract yourself from the expectation of contact over the Christmas period by being booked up or away. Do not offer a family Christmas feast this year.
Cards - send in good time. Do not expect anything back, maybe you will get something.
Presents- FOR THE CHILDREN, nothing too flash, nicely wrapped, sent in good time. Do not expect anything back right now. But your name will be mud if you forego giving the children anything.
A couple of other things caught my eye as I read the posts.
Stop the ‘choose me’ dance. Stop sending the ‘mummy loves you’ momento. Stop the guilt grinding contact. As a wise poster said your daughters are now young mothers & they are assessing the family dynamics through a different lens. If your first thought is ‘what about me?’ then there’s a clue to where you may all be foundering. Others have suggested that your read back over the emails with the purpose to hear what they are saying to you - their voices & words as they write, not your words & voice as you read.
I have a sense that all of you are replaying the dramas of your earlier family life - Mummy, Daddy & two little girls - only this time the script & players are different - Granny, Grandad, Mummy, Daddy, Mummy, Daddy & four little children. The change is prompted by the new generation coming through in the past few years, everybody gets to change seats. But it seems that there someone of the past that still lingers, as it does for all of us until we tackle it - to let go, sweep it away or cling on to it.
Your girls’ lives have changed - older anyway, adult relationships & then the massive wobblers of pregnancy, childbirth & early years parenting. They are truly different people now, recognisable but different by experience.
What I am driving at is your part or script in this drama. I see & understand how upset you are. But you seem to be dragging others into your drama, putting your monkeys on their backs. Clearly something has gone wrong, you need to reflect & use what is in front of you .e.g emails,,comments etc. Your loss is palpable & does seem to take you back quickly to the end of your marriage & the aftermath. All this family stuff all bundled up with unfinished business. Your ex may have been an unacceptable husband but right now he may well be an OK enough father & fab Grandfather, this may cause your girls some conflict & he may well be bigging up his part to assure his role in the new family structure. Change is happening around you, things are up in the air. But is you who has the power to change yourself & how you handle the situation, rather than chase them to give you what they may not have at the moment. Some counselling at Relate or GP recommended therapist may help you work some through this grief & gain insight.
One thing caught me eye & others have commented.
’I went to D2 house where my D2 seemed very upset and stressed, and lashed out verbally at me calling me a 'pathetic mother', not a 'leader' - because I changed a diaper wrong and wasn't paying attention to one of her 3 babies’
I am mystified by ‘leader’ & ‘pathetic mother’. You also mention that your daughters are ‘daddy pleasers’ & suggests that this leads to a better standard of living for them, all the while you are an underpaid academic.
Your tone comes over as passive-aggressive & ‘hard-done-by. As others have suggested, you may need to heal yourself as the first steps to a more connected relationship with your daughters & grandchildren.