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Estrangement

Unbearable sadness- blocked with no reason from 4 GK

(84 Posts)
Anna4 Sun 03-Nov-19 19:35:33

Hello, This is my first post in this forum. I'm an active and professional person with a career, divorced - but I am also a grandmother of 4 children from two daughters. I have not seen my grand kids for 10 months - since xmas time last year, nor have I heard from my daughters. One daughter, with 3 children, I had thought I had been close to, has cut me off with no expressed reason whatsoever. My other daughter who has one child, has had a 10 year psychiatric history of borderline personality disorder and a police record for assault on other school mates, has also blocked me from seeing my grandchild from her. I have written letters to both, apologizing for 'whatever I have done', sent flowers, cards but they don't respond in any way. I have reached out to their father to ask for his help in intervening - but he is not helpful. He almost gloats. He himself has a police record of assault, and doesn't care about the damage of estrangement I have w my daughters' blocking of seeing my grandkids. I am not an enmeshed -style mother, I respect my children, but they have sucker punched me with this unbelievable agony of not seeing them, their husbands or their kids. This is killing me. I am at a loss.

Starblaze Mon 11-Nov-19 21:52:56

I think Readymeals that answer to Smileless2012 would also go to you... Estrangement knows no class, culture or age. It just is. If someone needs advice and I feel I can help, I will try. I am more than just my estranged relationship. I'm a different person, a different age and a different perspective.

Also human minds are strange things and we are capable of hiding a lot from ourselves under stress. Where there has been messages, texts, emails.... There is knowledge that might lead to understanding.

You know, I am not estranged from my children. That's not to mean if I hadn't got help for my mental health and learnt to cope with my own shortfalls and terrible learnt behaviour, my relationship with my children wouldn't have gone the same way as my NMs with me and her NM with her. That's why they call it a cycle... until its broken. It took a lot for me to wake up it really did. I would never ever claim to be perfect

Anna4 Sun 01-Dec-19 17:58:13

This is my 3rd post in this forum. After one entire year of not hearing from my EACs and with that, not seeing my 4 grandchildren (all under the age of 3) , I am wondering what I should do about Christmas coming up. They haven't responded to any of my letters, cards, flowers and messages I have left - about one a month for the past year. I have been reaching out a lot, to no response. So now, I am wondering how am I to get through Christmas.. do I reach out again Because it is Christmas, or just be still?

Smileless2012 Sun 01-Dec-19 19:55:25

TBH Anna if I were you I wouldn't reach out to my EAC anymore.

We send birthday and Christmas cards to our EGC but nothing more. We buy 2 each time so one is posted and the other goes into their memory box; we're pretty certain that the ones we send are never given to the children.

Maybe that's something you could think about doing.

Christmas is one of the worse times of the year when living with estrangement. Is this your first Christmas with no contact?

I know how hard this is but try and take one day at a time and resist the temptation to contact your AC. You're only opening yourself up to be hurt each time you're ignored.

flowers

Madgran77 Sun 01-Dec-19 21:16:06

Anna another estranged GP recently made the decision to not send cards and presents but to open accounts for her grandchildren and to pay money in at xmas/birthdays etc. That might be something you could consider? flowers

agnurse Mon 02-Dec-19 15:44:08

I'd suggest not sending anything. If you send things to the GC but ignore her, it may come across as "I don't really care about you anymore, but gimme dat baby". (Not saying that's how it is intended, just how it comes across.)

I agree that putting money aside in a savings account is a good idea. You might also start a memory box for them - purchase Christmas and birthday cards, address and sign them, and then, rather than sending them, save them in a box. This way, if the children do eventually get in touch, you have something for them.

Starlady Tue 03-Dec-19 01:56:06

Another "vote" for not sending anything. I'm so very sorry, but as I said to another poster, I believe that no response for such a long time means that your DDs want no contact, at least, for the near future, even if they haven't said so in words. In fact, your DDs may see any gifts sent as "disrespect" of their obvious wish for distance and just hold it against you. It is very doubtful that any gift you send will be given to the GC. Why waste the time, energy and money?

IMO, the suggestions you've been given - a memory box, savings accounts for the GC, etc. - are good ones. That way, you can respect your DDs; boundaries (even if you feel they are unfair) and yet satisfy your own need/wish to do something for your GC at Christmas (same w/ birthdays). Also, later on, if there is a reconciliation w/ your DDs or w/ your GC when they are adults, as agnurse says, you'll "have something to give them." And I'm adding, your GC will know you were thinking of them all along.

Starlady Tue 03-Dec-19 01:58:39

As for "how to get through Christmas, " overall, I know that may be much harder to resolve. I have no personal experience w/ this situation but suggest making plans w/ friends or relatives you are on good terms with. Or take a vacation. Or plan a DVD day for Christmas, and binge on all your favorite films. Or do some volunteer work for the needy, etc. The point is, don't expect to suddenly see/hear from your DDs and GC, but also try not to spend the time dwelling on your pain if possible (I know there may be some bad days, sometimes you'll just need to sit and cry, etc.). Granted, some of this may be easier said than done (sigh).

Wishing you peace at Christmastime and through the New Year...

Namsnanny Tue 03-Dec-19 02:19:50

Readymeals .. Every post you have written has eloquently said what I would have liked to.
I agree wholeheartedly.
Thanks flowers