I am so distraught I feel like I'm grieving

Looby33 You mentioned earlier that you are feeling suicidal. Please go and see your Dr. Please call the Samaritans. Please get help for those feelings

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is obvious you are in shock. Has the children’s mother actually said you will not have contact or is it that she is still in the process of moving p and settling the children in a new home?

Also have her parents had no contact with children you say she hasn’t spoken to them that must have been hard for them perhaps they would be willing to build bridges if they have been suffering estrangement they know what you are going through?

I pray that this will be resolved and your gc will be back in your life maybe in a different way but in your life x

I see you've posted about this on the support thread for people living with estrangement Looby and I've responded to you there.

I wanted to say here though that you feel like your grieving because that's precisely what you are doing, you are grieving for the GC that you know and love and for now, are unable to see. Estrangement is often referred too as 'a living bereavement'.

Aww AlanAv your post breaks my heart such a long time not to have spoken, I sincerely hope you get to meet your grandson, in the not to distant future, it must be really difficult knowing you can’t see him or your daughter

I was going to answer in my own words, but then found that Lemongrove has already said all that I would have. I really feel for you, but I hope that after a while your grandchildren will have contact with you again. Maybe it's all too early and their mother doesn't feel that she can contact you again just yet. I expect the children will keep asking for you until they get their own way eventually. Please let us know if you eventually get contact again

It's early days, give yourself time, and know that these children will one day be young adults and decide for themselves who they want in their lives, and may well want to know their father and you!!
In the meantime give yourself time to heal and enjoy your life again, so when that day comes, your a happy and confident re found grandma xx

Hi Looby. Please have a look at my latest post on my thread "Does it get easier?" After the worst week of my life, there is now more than a glimmer of hope. Don't despair, things can change, it's just so hard to sit and wait. Take care of yourself x

Riggie

Sorry to use this thread but are you a Runrig Riggie

Also do take care Looby. It is early days and you will grieve.
If you had a good relationship before then hopefully it will be mended.

Looby - you are definitely grieving - the loss of the frequency with which you saw your grandchildren, the loss of your role as co-parent, and probably the loss of your son's friend too as you were good and close to her. But, and this is the important thing to remember, the children are not gone forever, and it is you they are going to be missing and asking for. So if it's possible to remain in their lives by some means or other - have they left their normal schools or can you still arrange to do a pick up a couple of times a week, can you write to your DS's friend and ask that you be asked to go to watch the children in their Christmas nativities. Please also don't do yourself down because she comes from a wealthy family and you don't - it's clear that wealth or not the children's other grandparents have not had the warmth within them to want to get to know their grandchildren, and what you have is a genuine feeling. You could always go to a family solicitor and ask for an hour's free advice about your rights - I'm not suggesting for one minute that you try to do this through a court but if you do have any rights then you might have the confidence to write to your GC's mother and say how much you are missing being part of their lives and that you think they too might be doing the same. It's not good for them to have this big divorce from their loving grandma.

The love between gp and gc runs deep. Its no wonder that your grief is as great as if you lost contact with your own child. Have you got anyone close to talk to? To do something practical, can you speak to the mother to gauge how long she's thinking of excluding you from the childrens lives at this very emotional time for her. Ask if you can keep in touch with the children by phone. This isn't unreasonable and it will help you and the children come to terms with the new living arrangements. I feel for her parents in this too. They've missed out on having a close relationship with their gc. But your son must also be distraught. Im so sorry, there's no easy way to get through this. X

So sorry to read this. I haven't read all the replies so hope I'm not duplicating but what you are feeling is the same grief as we feel when someone we love dies. You can see no future and you are bereaved so I think you need the same advice as those of us who have lost a dear one.

Of course there is always hope so if there is any way you can keep the door open please do. Don't get angry with her, she must be in a state too. Try to be kind to her and let her know you are not taking sides.

Hope you get lots of good advice.

Some sad stories here, especially Lakelandlass'. Big hugs for you and your precious grandchildren, who have lost their mummy. How do you all cope. My heart is aching for you.
Looby, don't panic. But, I wouldn't go down the legal route just yet. Have patience. I know it's hard.
When you say she has taken them to her parents, do you mean, to another part of the country?
As others have suggested, keep yourself busy.
What I have noticed is, the closer you are emotionally to your grandchildren, the harder it is. I have 6 . I practically brought up the two older who are now teenagers. I hardly see them unless they want a lift somewhere. The rest are toddlers /babies. I see them about once a week. I love them but my life is not centred round them. I know from personal experience, how easy it is to 'fall out' with the AC, resulting in deprivation of contact with GC. Things are ok now for me but at one point it was a real fear.
Wish you all the best Looby

It is bereavement for sure. Every now and then you here of movements to give grandparents rights to seek contact orders when couples separate, but so far it has come to nothing. I expect if and when it does it will apply only if the grandchildren are biologically related and the parents are married. What you can do though is to keep the channels of communication open even if its one way. I assume you know where they live? Send them cards and letters regularly (not too frequently to make their mother feel harassed). Remember their birthdays and xmas to send gifts. With kids having their own phones these days leave contact details if/when they are old enough. It may take a very long time but eventually you may get contact. Keep in friendly contact with the mum even if she does not reply. If she is on facebook ask to be added as a friend if you are not already. Don't refer to your son. You are being neutral even if you don't feel it. I wish you luck.

Hard to deal with an difficult to accept. My daughter has not spoken to me for 13 years ...I know where she is...I am not sure she now knows where I live ! In summer, at my old address (not in UK) I received an anonymous envelope containing a wedding photo and a photo of a child on which she had written ;this is your grandson;...no contact no, e mail address ...nothing ! I always send her a card at birthdays and Christmas but have received nothing from her ...however it is her choice and her life and I just wish the best for her ….and that poem online from the mother who will never see her daughter again ;I Wish You Enough;.....I did consult my solicitor about leaving something in my Will for this grandson (not his fault !) but without the mother's consent or me knowing his birthdate I am unable to do so...so sadly it will be his loss as well. I am off to Disneyland by myself next week ...could have taken him ! Be brave and do not let her know how distraught you are …..and I hope her parents are able to understand how you feel. You could try writing them a letter,,,,not vitriolic but simply stating how you feel and stressing that you hope the differences between your son and their daughter will not mean you will have no access to your Grandchildren. YOu may be poor in wealth terms, but have a generous heart. Take Care x

Looby - Are the 2 children your son's biological children?
If so then he has the absolute right to see them and you must work through him and with him to gain access.
If they are her children by another partner then you must appeal to her better nature, don't demand, just tell her with all your heart how much you love and miss them and ask for access, on her terms.
Good luck and be sure however it goes, it will get easier.

You are grieving, I am so sorry. It is desperately unfair, so don’t beat yourself up. Just tell your closest circle, and try and go somewhere else at Christmas. In the New Year, start a scrapbook, as I am for my bereaved grandchildren whose mummy died 3 years ago.
Grandparents has very few rights, but in your situation, I’d get legal advice. {HUG}

I am sure that everyone on Gransnet feels for you and you have had some excellent advice.

Take a deep breath and write down your feelings; time will change the dynamics of your situation so what is 'now' will probably 'different' in the future and you don't know that matters won't improve; the children's mother must also be distraught at uprooting her children from your son and she needs time to sort herself out; the children could be bewildered and they would love to hear from you so perhaps think about writing to them without any recriminations or comments about their parents.

I don't think that class or money comes into the equation when a family is so upset - feelings affect everyone. Is it possible to wait a short while and contact the children's mother, saying how much you miss them (and her) and how you would really love to come and see them all. The fact that Christmas is approaching could be a good starting point.

Whatever you do, don't harangue the children's mother, just be as loving as you can and hopefully in time, things will settle a little and your relationship can continue. It may not be the same as before but you will still be able to have a relationship with your grandchildren.

Sending hugs, too.

Hi Looby, oh my love! I would also be distraught if I lost touch with my grandchildren. You are not being ott at all!

Ok, so maybe she has calmed down now after leaving your son.

Do you think you could write to her.?

Keep the letter calm and friendly.

Let her know how much you love the children and would love to see them on a regular basis.

Being well off does not take place of being loved.

Good luck and take care of yourself, yeh?xxx

At the moment your grandchildren's mum's head is probably all over the place. Give her time to adjust to her new situation and hopefully she will reach out to you. At the moment she may well feel you are angry with her if it was her fault she and your son broke up. Is there any way you can contact her and just say how sad you are to not be having any contact with her or your grandchildren?

Dear Looby, of course you are grieving and there is nothing at all wrong with that. This has been a shock and right now it must feel as if you will never see your grandchildren again.

Where is your son in all this? Surely, he will be seeing his children? I gather he and the children's mother aren't married, but have been together for five or six years, so he must have some rights, surely.

I hope when, not if, he gets an arrangement in place allowing him some visits from his children that you can see them when they are with him.

Right now, you are probably best not contacting your son's former partner, as emotions are running high both for you and for her.

However, if you have her address, I cannot think it will do any harm if you send a Christmas present to each child and a covering letter to their mother wishing them all a Happy Christmas and New Year.

It might be a good thing too, to say that you hope she knows that she and the children are always welcome at your place, whatever her differences with your son, as you certainly don't intend to take sides in matters that only concern them.

None of this is your fault . Have you spoken to your Doctor maybe they could refer you to councillor . Talking to a stranger may help . Do you have an address for your daughter in law ? You could write her a letter telling her how you feel . Anything worth a try . My heart goes out to you .

Hi. I am sorry you are going through this pain. Please call the Samaritans if you are feeling this low, and contact your GP.

I would suggest that you give your exDiL time to settle into her new routine. It is not helpful at all to think of her in negative terms " why is she doing this to me?" At this point in time she is prioritising herself and her children. She is going through the emotional and practical trauma of a break-up. She is also going through the humiliation of having to go back to her parents who have derided her life choices. She will not be in a calm, logical frame of mind. She will be feeling very raw. Quite possibly she hasn't actually thought about you in all of this at all, and if she has it will be as an adjunct to her ex.
At this point she's not being selfish, just human. Please don't send her a letter demanding access for yourself and your son. It will only antagonise her. Please don't send her a letter that guilt trips her about the grandchildren; if nothing else it will make her feel as though she's just a brood mare.
Pretty much anything you write about your own pain will be viewed as an attack.
Step back. Let the dust settle.
Then write a card to her saying that you appreciate your friendship with her and that your door is always open to her and her children. Absolutely no guilt trips.
Casting yourself as the supportive friend rather than the demanding exMiL will be far healthier for all concerned, now and in the future.

Good luck.

Looby33
You are grieving , I too physically cared for my grandchild every week from the age of 7 weeks to 4 years of age. I'm now estranged, as from April this year. I'd love to be reconciled with my only child and grandchild , my adult child has made things very clear to me. You will cry , you will be incredibly sad, I'm not going to give you false hope or say things aren't intolerable , because to be honest it's just how it is. I cry every day still , it's a living bereavement, my counsellor agrees , it will come in waves, ebb and flo.....
It's come between my husband and I , it's true men ( some men ) can be emotionally illiterate , they just cope in different ways.
Be kind to yourself, cry , be sad when you want, but also do nice things, I went out Friday with a friend and bought 2 roses ? and planted for my grandchild. Nothing takes my pain away , but we are here for each other, please know that ?

This is so sad, did the other grandparents not have any contact with the children in the last six years. It must be a huge adjustment for everyone, if they have missed out in the last six years then they should understand how it now feels for you. Are you able to contact them? As everyone has said it is very early days and a sudden change. I do hope that arrange,ent can be made for you to keep contact with your go. Sending you a big hug xx

I last saw my youngest granddaughter two years ago. I continue to send cards and presents and hope that when she is of an age to do so, she will get in touch, knowing that her grandparents never stopped thinking and caring about her.