Gransnet forums

Estrangement

I am so distraught I feel like I'm grieving

(88 Posts)
Looby33 Sun 24-Nov-19 00:14:01

My son and his friend recently separated and she took the two children that I virtually co parented so much there school was on my road, I have had them almost more than thier parents, and they were my world, but she has now taken them to her wealthy parents who she hadnt spoke to for 6 years, and has now cut all contact after she told me no matter what happened I would always see my grand children as they wasnt getting on, they were my world and I loved them with every fibre in my body and never went a day without seeing them, now I am utterly distraught and cant stop crying, and feeling like I'm grieving, I cant shake it and its effecting other relationships, I know when I say it out load it sounds ott, but i feel like one of my children have been snatched from me what can i do..or how can this pain i feel get better.. :-(

Looby33 Sun 24-Nov-19 00:18:43

By the way I've done nothing wrong I got on well with her before she left she knew how much I loved those babies and did everything for them, I know that we are classed as working class and are looked down on by her parents who also disagreed with her dating my son, as we was not wealthy enough and this is why she didn't speak to her parents for 6 years, and in that time I've treated her like a daughter..and cannot believe shes treating me like this..

B9exchange Sun 24-Nov-19 00:20:48

I know it is little comfort, but you are not alone, DS has taken his children to another country and refuses to come back for a visit and finds every excuse why we can't visit him. It is a bereavement and I can only hope that eventually things improve. You had even more contact than we have lately, so must be worse for you, and Christmas will be really painful, but we will get through it. There are others on here who have lost their children and grandchildren to terrible diseases, at least ours are healthy, as far as we know, and when older may well want contact. I can at least send you virtual flowers and heartfelt sympathy! flowers

Looby33 Sun 24-Nov-19 00:25:52

Thank you so much it just made me cry again lol but you are right, I'm just hoping with time the constant heart ache gets easier, x

Looby33 Sun 24-Nov-19 00:28:19

I just feel I'm not coping well and my feelings are getting worse I had to ask myself if I felt suicidal the other day and I feel ashamed for even saying it now, and wonder if I'm becoming a bit obsessive or is it just because its early days..

Noregrets Sun 24-Nov-19 00:43:09

I'm still pretty much in the same state so really feel for you. Please, if you feel suicidal, or even if you don't, ring a helpline. If you are in the UK, the Samaritans are there 24/7, free phone 116123. Is your son going to be having contact with the children?

Pantglas2 Sun 24-Nov-19 08:00:28

Hello looby33 (and noregrets). So sad to read your stories - I’ve been through this many years ago and know the absolute agony that estrangement causes.

However don’t give up hope that things may come good as they eventually did for me albeit after many years. My DD and I have been reconciled now for longer than we were estranged (5 years).

Please take it one day at a time and let yourself grieve for what you’ve lost. Someone on another thread said it was like a wave and it was best to let it wash over you than try and outrun it.

You’ll find so many kind and empathetic people on these threads who are always happy to share their experiences and offer their advice. Come and post when you feel down and one of us will try and help you up again!

Some, like me, are reconciling and will show that there can be a happy ending although I always think of it as a work in progress - things will never go back to how they were and we have to find a new way of growing the relationship.

Be kind to yourselves and make today a good day - you can be happy while this is going on but you have to choose that over despair. flowers

Ginny42 Sun 24-Nov-19 08:23:22

Hello Looby33 sorry to read what's happened. Yes, you are undoubtedly grieving and you need to treat yourself with care. It's the suddenness of it all which has left you reeling, so you are in shock and must be gentle with yourself.

Well done for reaching out for help here, but if it feels overwhelming at any point, do go and talk to your GP, or seek out some counselling. It helped me, but it has to be the right person for you.

Try to spend time with people who understand and help you feel positive. Write a journal. I didn't think it would help me, but it did help to write down any and every thought I had. Any exercise book will do and just get all those thoughts and hurts down on paper. Cry as much as you need to. Crying helps to release anxieties.

There are shoulders to lean on here and there's always someone with time to reply to your posts. Listening is what we're good at, so do let us know how you get on. flowers

Yehbutnobut Sun 24-Nov-19 08:34:38

Can you get in touch with her? Perhaps she will relent and let you see your GC especially if her quarrel is with your son and not her?

lemongrove Sun 24-Nov-19 08:34:41

Good advice from all on here Looby and yes, it is a sort of bereavement, a sudden awful loss, and you will grieve.
If you previously had a good relationship with your son’s partner, it could be that after the initial separation she will relent and allow you some contact.Are the other grandparents
Living anywhere near you or hundreds of miles away?
If no physical contact at the moment, are you allowed to write to them or speak on the phone? Could you write or email her to let her know ( without blaming her) that you feel
Heartbroken to have no contact at all?At the very least, she should know the consequences for you of her actions.

BradfordLass72 Sun 24-Nov-19 08:51:42

Looby33 Nowt wrong with being obsessive when you are grieving, it's how we get through it. Cry as much as you like and I don't believe you are suicidal so much as so desperately hurting that you don't know what to do with ourself.
Those babies need you, remember that and think ahead.

As others have said, it is painful now but these things DO get better and there are some very hopeful signs in your post.
flowers

Hetty58 Sun 24-Nov-19 09:05:33

I brought up my grandson for ten years until he went to live with his mother. It's a very sudden change of responsibilities and routines, but gradually you will adapt and it's best to focus on other things in your life - or begin new pastimes that you didn't have time for before.

Once things settle down, I'm sure that they will visit you. Just remain friendly and accessible, don't guilt-trip their mother.

Starblaze Sun 24-Nov-19 09:10:06

Hi Looby33. I think it's early days and it may not be you that is cut off... Just everyone while she deals with the relationship breakdown. Try not to panic or contact her too much and hopefully things will be OK. Please please get some help from the doctor for how you feel x

Dolcelatte Sun 24-Nov-19 09:14:53

Looby, that is awful and I really feel for you, but I don't think the situation is as hopeless as you currently feel. Presumably your son will be entitled to regular access and you will then be able to see your beloved DGCs again. How old are the children? It sounds cruel to them as well as to you if she is stopping contact when you had such a strong relationship. It sounds as though she is behaving like this in order to get back at your son. Where is he in all of this?

In the meantime, take good care of yourself flowers

Gingergirl Sun 24-Nov-19 10:12:21

Its early days and things may well change....don’t lose hope...and always let your son know how much you’d like to see them. You are certainly grieving. Its a huge loss. Take all the support you can. You will feel especially awful for a while but it will ease. Its ok to be emotional. Its a big thing.

Riggie Sun 24-Nov-19 10:16:08

You say it's recent. Perhaps she needs some time to adjust? I presume your son will have some access so as others say, make sure he knows you would like to see them then

polnan Sun 24-Nov-19 10:20:24

oh looby of course you are grieving, sounds like they were no are your children, they will always be your children

lots of hugs, hoping and praying for you all

Juicylucy Sun 24-Nov-19 10:23:49

Hi Looby, really good advise already given here. My heart breaks for you,but I just wanted to say,I’m sure if you played such a big part in there lives then they will be missing you as much and will ask where you are. Depending on there ages they have now been introduced to 2 people that they hardly know if she hadn’t spoke to them for 6 years, so this period will be very unsettling for them also. Could you not message or send her a letter asking to meet them in a park or soft play etc. Hope this gets resolved and she realises the importance of your relationship with them. Please take care of yourself these children will need you again very soon.

RomyP Sun 24-Nov-19 10:26:47

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this, it's natural to grieve in these circumstances. Hopefully the mum will be in touch with you at some point but at moment she is grieving too and possibly needs space from you as part of her ex's family. I'm sure the children will let her know they miss you and that she will be in touch at some point, I hope so. Sadly this is not an uncommon situation, I hope never to be in same situation but could one day be, I dread the thought. Be kind to yourself, take it one day at a time and try to find distractions to help you through the day. Sending you a hug.

ElizabethAW Sun 24-Nov-19 10:28:07

Gransnet members do not seem to be aware that alienation from grandchildren has become a national problem and that there is an increasingly powerful lobby, let by Esther Rantzen, to give legal rights to grandchildren to have access to 'significant' family members. I do urge all alienated grandparents to support this movement, which can be contacted at Dame Esther Rantzen: [email protected]

BlueBelle Sun 24-Nov-19 10:32:27

I couldn’t pass without sending you a hug this really tugged at me and I shed a tear for you Please don’t contemplate suicide, may I say why, you will be out of the pain, but your children and grandchildren will hold themselves responsible for ever Now do get help to talk this over its sudden it’s unexpected and yes it’s a bereavement
Never never knock being working class we need solid hard working people not just university educated folks BOTH are necessary so throw that one out the window YOU ARE EQUAL and never forget it
This sounds very recent so let it all settle and don’t badger her at the moment Do you have an address? If so maybe send the children a Christmas present Does your son have any contact and how is he taking it ?
When did it happen it might all come ok she maybe gone off to lick her wounds and given a little time will a) be back or b) be connecting with you
You’re in a huge panic mode, understandable, but things often settle better than we expect
Keep talking to us we are all here for you
Sending a big hug 💐xx

Eileen1911 Sun 24-Nov-19 10:33:49

I am so sorry to hear of your heart breaking situation.

Ask the mother what are her concerns regarding you seeing the children. she may want to avoid bumping into your son. If that is the case suggest you meet her somewhere neutral. you need to gain her trust and let her know your Grandchildren are your number one priority. Good luck. hopefully things will settle down soon.

chris8888 Sun 24-Nov-19 10:45:14

Hugs xxx

ReadyMeals Sun 24-Nov-19 10:49:34

I always feel especially sorry for estranged grandparents who actually used to share in caring for their grandchildren. At least in my case I was only seeing them for a few hours every half term or so, so it's not left a huge missing part in my life or theirs. I hope the parents will see the error and change their minds

4allweknow Sun 24-Nov-19 10:50:46

Does your DS have any contact with the children as he will have his parental rights. Perhaps you could be included in any visits he has. You are grieving, you have lost a huge part of your life through no fault of your own so of course you find it hard to accept. You do need to give yourself time and there is nothing wrong in having a cry to vent your feelings. You must also not let the situation take over your whole life. Keep hoping something will transpire and you will have some sort of contact no matter how small. As others have posted, you are not alone. Gnet is a good place to vent when you are feeling low, we understand.