AEC thread. Feel free to chat or add helpful resources here.

This morning I was thinking about how my NM did what she did. I didn't like myself around her and because she was my mother, I let that be the basis for who I was as a person. Now I'm not in contact I am surrounded by people who do like me and I like who I am around them. I like myself now. She really just turned me into something I wasn't because I was constantly reacting to her.

You can't blame others for their reaction to your bad behaviour.

You can't blame others for their reaction to your bad behaviour.

Never a truer word said.

Starblaze

You are totally right, I thought I was not a particularly likeable person, because if your own mother doesn’t like you, who will?

But I know I’m nothing like her, and I also know she always brought out the very worst in me, another good reason for no contact.

Probably the best one Sara

Sara -- That is so true. I felt unlikable/unworthy of love because yes, if your own 'mom' sees you as nothing? Who will? I so sadly agree.

Quick info dump of useful things left here and there by other posters that I've saved

180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2019/06/going-no-contact/

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

This is important

truththeory.com/2017/09/27/23-signs-youre-suffering-victim-mentality/

I liked the suggestion to be boring- I think it was the grey stone link-

Yes it makes so much sense doesn't it, I tried this although I didn't know what I was doing at the time as I'd learnt to not give her personal info or anything she could twist and use against me. I can see how it would work well with some, especially friends, workmates or romantic relationships

Ridiculous feature of my phone, it notifies me if a blocked number tries to contact me. It just prevents them getting a read receipt or actually connecting a call.

I got a message today "As a mother you must know how it would feel if one of your children cut you off, the pain is unbearable"

No I don't know how it feels and I won't let it happen because I have the ability to apologise, admit my faults and change.

No the pain is not unbearable because people in unbearable pain will do anything to make it stop, like apologise, admit their faults and change.

So sorry Starblaze. Never underestimate the power of the silent treatment - don't acknowledge, don't respond and don't engage.

They deem any response as a hopeful response, and once you go no contact with an abusive person, the last thing you want to give them is "hope" for just about anything.

I bounced back pretty quickly this time. I don't tend to like "silent treatment" because it feels like something to punish them rather than something to protect us. Silence is what it is though and I will keep it!

I have only just seen this thread and I am another who suffered because of an awful mother.

She was cold, critical and always telling me when I was a child that there was something wrong with me if I didn't do or want to do what she said. She did it because she knew I am very sensitive and would get upset. She expected her children (I have two sisters) - even as adults - to seek her approval for everything and to tell her everything about their lives.

I refused to confide in her or ask her for advice. This made her even more angry as she liked to feel important and regarded herself as knowing more than me simply because she had lived longer.

She was jealous of my close relationship with my late father because we were both on the same wavelength so she felt shut out. If it hadn't been for him I would have run away.

I refused to send her a Mothers Day card like my sisters did and every year we had the same conversation where she demanded to know why I hadn't sent one to her.

I lacked self confidence and had very low self esteem for years because of her. I was angry with her for years, even after she died, but now I realise that she had been very damaged by her childhood and wartime experiences so she just couldn't help herself.

Thanks to Starblaze for the PT articles and other links which I shall look at.

Stay strong to those still suffering. Perhaps we should form a club!

Sorry to hear that Ramblingrose, there are plenty of clubs out there, just most of them are a lot younger and sometimes I find it hard to relate to that much emotional energy and strong language. I hope this thread helps you

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/enmeshment

Ramblingrose

Sorry to hear of your difficult childhood, I too think my mother had problems which made her unable to bond with her children.

I have sympathy for her, but she is a cold and unloving woman, and I know I’m a better person for removing her from my life.

Where are the clubs for people in similar positions? How can I find them?

I wonder if there comes a point in one's life when one needs to forget the past, put it behind us. and live for the present, and the people in one's present?

Maybe it's called growing up.

Spot on Gonegirl, you have to let it go

Gonegirl, it isn't that easy. I rarely think about my family but my past experiences have meant there are situations I find very difficult to deal with.

For example, I used to hate walking on zebra crossings. I genuinely believe drivers would hate me for being an inconvenience. It sounds silly I know, but as a child asking for help you were ignored, ridicule or criticized, your feelings never acknowledged I genuinely believed I was worthless and an an inconvenience.

These are dreadful feelings to start adult life and they don't go away overnight, it is a battle to overcome. Even in my 50s, I still find it difficult asking for help.

These support forums are great and remind me, liek today when I'm having a bad day, it isn't all my fault and other people understand the journey I'm on,

Please ignore EP comments or comments negative to EACs as I want to keep this thread.

indeedamum go to the doctor and get some medication. You can be helped.

Letting go is a life long process-

Ruminating and or obsessing is the opposite-

This post is all about recognising, understanding and healing.

It’s hard to stay in the present when the ‘past’ won’t stop harassing you ??