AEC thread. Feel free to chat or add helpful resources here.

I have to wonder about how different people handle the subject of abuse.

It seems to me that those that identify as child abuse victims (often adults who end in No Contact) want to talk about and acknowledge/deal with the after-effects of that abuse.

Others' seem to feel that by talking about the abuse it is "defining" Us or all we are or??? Why the desire to silence victims?

In my experiences, child abuse victims do want their voice and story heard. So who has an interest in Us not telling our story? I would say Our abusers and those that behave in similar ways.

Otherwise, why the constant desire to try to silence Us? The grossest part is trying to silence someone at the same time as telling them (the victim) that their silence = having "gotten over it"/is good for them.

That's very convenient... for ABUSERS.

So from here on in, I am going to assume that anyone who is dismissing/trying to silence Me/Us on an EAC thread is either an abuser themselves or an enabler to one.

rosecarmel

A portion of this discussion "sounds" strikingly similar to the above example given of the discussion with my sibling-

What we have here are the same people repeatedly returning to estrangement threads suggesting that others move on all while at the same time continually returning to the estrangement threads themselves to tell others to move on-

It's ironic- It's also habitual- And as funny as preachers who fail to practice what they preach-

?

Can i just point out that I have never ever told anyone how they should feel or where they should be or what they should talk about lol

In terms of where they should be on their healing journey I mean

its important to "meet them where they are at" currently

Absolutely rosecarmel, I agree 100% It is just one of the reasons why I harp on endlessly (repeat myself () about the importance of how things are written, how things are communicated in a public forum. Even if one "knows" why someone is experiencing a problem and might be able to help them consider their own potential culpability in that difficulty in the light if ones own knowledge/experiences, , unless it is communicated in a way that they are able to engage with then there is little point in posting if one's purpose is to help.

According to a group of EP's

"my children are both diagnosed with bi-polar disorders, personality disorders, and a slew of other questionable labels from councelors, which I take with a grain of salt." -- I wonder where they got 'those' from? Abuse maybe? But wait

Holy Hannah I have been pondering on this quote, which as I said previously, I think is a ridiculous thing to say. Just wondering if you have a link for this group of EPs as I would be interested to see the context if that thinking?

I have observed where bi polar has sadly resulted in abusive behaviour by an adilt to a child. I have also observed where bi polar has resulted in an AC behaving abusively towards their parents. Unmanaged, this is a difficult illness to negotiate.

But the statement above appears to be an EP dismissing their EACs choices with little evidence or as a way of explaining away their choices?

Madgran are you available to tutor people on correct posting styles?

How will you accommodate people with cultural differences, language differences, learning disabilities or conditions like autism?

Personal I would go with encouraging kindness and patience in general and simply asking for clarification when it is needed the believing the explanation.

Respect basically

2 way respect.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Madgran -- I included the link where I got the quotes at the bottom of the post.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201908/12-signs-healing-toxic-childhood

12 signs you are healing from a toxic childhood

Madgran -- I included the link where I got the quotes at the bottom of the post

Sorry Holy Hannah I missed that. Thankyou. I will take a look.

Madgran are you available to tutor people on correct posting styles?

I wouldnt dream of policing anyone Starblaze. My comment was a genuine agreement with what rosecarmel said about
"meet them where they are at" currently which I think is a very wise observation. And I do believe that that is important in on line forum communication precisely for the reasons I described. Cultural and language differences, autism or other differences are precisely part of the reason why people should be "met where they are at"! I feel from your response that I have offended you. If I have, I apologise for that.

I went from joking to serious too quick Madgran, was being silly and asking if I could employ you.

I do think that, what you see isn't always what you get. Like I am a very physically expressionate person and communicate a lot with body language which I can't do here. I talk the same though. I honestly don't know how I could change that and I don't have problems generally with being misunderstood... Ever

This is important in my job as well, I need to teach body language and I need to talk very clearly... Swings and roundabouts I suppose

Hard as it’s, only when the abused grown up victims have let go of the past are they ready to form a relationship and go forward. It is unfair on any partner to try be on an equal footing with someone working through their issues, unfair even more on any children they might have, I cannot see how it could work. It is so important that children that are suffering have someone to reach out in confidence, child line must have been a life line for many.

Starblaze -- Many people are unaware but the Vulcan race of the Star Trek universe was based on a man with Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning Autism). I often come across very much like that.

I do have a 'silly'/fun side but really, only the people I feel safe/comfortable with get to see it. It's been challenging to sort out what symptoms I have are 'normal Autism' versus symptoms of Narcissistic abuse.

It's why I get confused when people tell me how I'm thinking/feeling. Unless you are 'like' Me, I highly doubt it.

Sparkling who are you talking to?

I've been with my husband half my life and I have grown up children.

I didn't know how badly my childhood had impacted me until just before I estranged.

Not really sure you are able to understand. Most adults face issues at some point that they have to work through. Not really something they can control.

I'm really not sure why you are saying all that. I guess whatever mke you feel better?

Sparkling

Hard as it’s, only when the abused grown up victims have let go of the past are they ready to form a relationship and go forward. It is unfair on any partner to try be on an equal footing with someone working through their issues, unfair even more on any children they might have, I cannot see how it could work. It is so important that children that are suffering have someone to reach out in confidence, child line must have been a life line for many.

Vile! What a thing to say!

To b honest with you Holyhannah autistic people are incredible. Some of my absolute favourite people

I think it is the fact that body language etc cannot be included on a forum, is why how we communicate in writing on a forum is so important.

I go back to what I said previously: "Even if one "knows" why someone is experiencing a problem and might be able to help them consider their own potential culpability in that difficulty in the light of ones own knowledge/experiences, unless it is communicated in a way that they are able to engage with then there is little point in posting, if one's purpose is to help" ?

Madgran some times people don't like you and they then do a lot of work to pull you up or argue against you directly or reverse your statements or twist your words or make outright assertions about what you mean.

I think those people do the most damage in a discussion quite honestly.

Ultimately it should be left to the person seeking support and advice or engaging in conversation to decide if they are happy with how you communicate, or it just degenerates into.... Well, ridiculous nonsense

I could message say, Holyhannah right now with an issue with my behaviour and I would get her honest advice. I might not like it, but I'd deal with it... because my relationships are more important than my pride.

Sometimes truths are just hard and no amount of fluff changes that

GG65 -- Apparently my children and husband are "suffering".

I guess this is why my 'family' feel the need to report Me to CPS as well. Because I acknowledge my abuse and understand its potential impact, that makes me an unfit parent?

Trust me, a parent in denial who dumps their baggage on their minor children is a much bigger issue then they even know. So my knowing makes me a 'worse' parent then one who says, "Well I got over 'it'!" and continues to behave in unhealthy ways?

I am floored. And I have a short, two word reply to someone/anyone with that mentality.

I can even deal with Sparkling and her generalised belief that EAC are damaged (hate that word) people who are harming their own partners and children.

That's what she obviously needs to believe to feel better.

Doesn't make her right lol

Who would know what EAC think, feel, do, how their relationships are... better than themselves inividually.

That's why we should listen to others when they speak, carefully.

We might find out who they actually are.

Holyhannah very very true

Starblaze -- Much like the idea that EAC sometimes/often go No Contact from 'good'/loving families obviously is comforting for some, as you say, what gives comfort for some does not make it into a reality/fact.

It's interesting that some EP's think/believe they know how/what we are thinking better then we do. The fact that that is a huge sign of unhealthy thinking is clearly missed by some.

I should add that, at times, there is nothing wrong with knowing/thinking you know what someone else is 'thinking'. In a healthy relationship it's actually how you avoid upsetting the other party. When it's unhealthy is when an offender projects THEIR emotional state onto a victim.

Like people who call Me a "very angry person" etc. That is straight up projection. Abusers are angry by default. If someone sees me as 'angry' I know which of Us is really angry.

I cannot understand the “get over it” posts that have appeared over the past few days - there is even a “get over it” thread! Lovely!

Which is funny, really, as there has been an estrangement support thread running on here for around 8 years or so. Perhaps it is time to get rid of that because, you know, “get over it”.

HolyHannah, you and the other EAC strike me as incredibly strong women, with great insight and understanding, who are doing the best for your children.

Please keep talking and keep sharing.