Eggshells

Accept that the relationship is over and move on with your life. The only thing you achieve from banging your head against a brick wall, is a headache.

They really do Starlady. I think the only thing you can do at that stage is back off.

Agree with you both, Smileless and Summerlove. In some situations, two people (or two couples) just get to a point of no return.

Yes I agree with you there Summerlove

I’d agree normally, but in already tense situations, as you know, if someone is predisposed not to listen (or has designated the upset person as a problem person), no amount of rational is going to work, and they’ll be accused of being an over sensitive trouble maker

I agree that that in itself is a problem Summerlove so if there is something that you see as a real issue, the best way forward is to talk about it calmly and sensibly so it doesn't become a battle.

I agree Starlady 'pick your battles' and differentiate between real issues and those that aren't really that important

I suppose the problem arises when something is a real issue to one persons and not important to the other.

It really does mess with your head Chewbacca and Madgran.

I was once accused of saying something really awful about our d.i.l. during a conversation with a friend, that I hadn't said. I knew I hadn't said it but still 'phoned my friend to ask her if she remembered the conversation (we were at a party), and if I'd said what I'd been accused of.

She was horrified, not just at what I'd been falsely accused of but that the awful situation was getting to me so much, I'd needed her to confirm that the accusation was a lie.

Because I had learnt that if I made the slightest mistake; I'd be accused of making things up. Or "causing trouble". Or not having followed through on a promise I'd made.

This is what Chewbacca wrote before she made the "messes with your head comment."

It seems to me that it describes exactly the same as others have written about in their experiences with their parent (or with a sibling or with an AC or Il or whatever) before they became estranged. I can imagine exactly why that would mess with one's head whether as a child, an AC, an adult parent, GP or whatever. Any relationship based on that type of model is going to be problematical.

Sorry, I didn't understand your post Starblaze.

So, people who are afraid of saying or doing anything that sets the other person off in a rage or into hurtful words they can't bare.

People who want to be abnoxious and know the other person will stop speaking to them if they carry on unless they can make the other person think its their fault for being over sensitive.

It really messes with your head because you really do begin to think it's you that's wrong all the time

Exactly Chewbacca!

So the eggshell walker learns to adapt their own behaviours to avoid problems arising from those responses

This. Clearly written from experience. I distinctly remember actually stopping, before I even entered their house, to make absolutely sure that I said nothing that could be misconstrued or that wasn't 100% factual and could be proven if necessary. Because I had learnt that if I made the slightest mistake; I'd be accused of making things up. Or "causing trouble". Or not having followed through on a promise I'd made. It really messes with your head because you really do begin to think it's you that's wrong all the time. I always felt on the "back foot" and it's horrible and exhausting.

Meyoo Wise words!

I agree Meeyoo an impossible situation to have to live with.

I think walking in eggshells is about being in an impossible situation, a situation where you can only lose because it is impossible to take a step at all without breaking something, the only way to survive therefore is to be completely passive, no one should have to tolerate a situation like that

Exactly Madgran, as notanan posted some claim to walk on eggshells and I agree that it's being passive aggressive to say so, if you claim you can't say anything when what you are saying is nasty.

That said, when EAC, EP's and GP's here on GN claim they are walking on eggshells that should be accepted.

When you are a victim, you know you're a victim.

I agree notanan . I know someone who claims to be walking on eggshells after being told that continuously "slagging off" her ACs partner was not appropriate (unsurprisingly!!)

That is one scenario of many that can cause someone to feel they must walk on eggshells. Sometimes it IS because of something the eggshell walker has done. Sometimes it is not.

Some people claim to be "walking on eggshells" as a way to gain pity and turn people against the other party when they have been confronted about very bad behaviour.

Its the pity card. Passive aggressive 101 = "I cant say anything " aftet being told not to say nasty things

Playing the victim when they are the ones causing the problems.

Be careful not to be a pawn in the game when people say they have to "walk on eggshells"

I think you're right Madgran "only the egg shell walker can decide when and if it is worth it". It's their decision to make.

Thanks Smileless

Eggshell walking can sometimes be not because of anything that the eggshell walker is doing. It can be because of the responses of another person, responses coming from their own issues and experiences in their past, or in their birth family or whatever. So the eggshell walker learns to adapt their own behaviours to avoid problems arising from those responses. In the end only the egg shell walker can decide when and if it is worth it, I suppose.

I agree Starlady 'pick your battles' and differentiate between real issues and those that aren't really that important. We would never have flouted our ES's and his wife's rules if we'd ever been able to have our GC to stay, but somethings IMO aren't worth falling out over, unless a fallout is what you really want.

It's a great thread Madgran, well done for starting it.

Starlady And lots of good points here, IMO.

Thankyou. It is a subject mentioned so many times in posts from people who are estranged (ACs; APs; GPs;Siblings etc) so talking about might be helpful to some

Ugh about the favoritism, Smileless! I can totally see why that was your "big issue."

Glad you were relaxed about bedtime, etc. though. IMO, one needs to pick one's battles.

My m.i.l. was very similar Starlady. My biggest issue was her favouritism of DS over his brother, well in fact she favoured him above all 9 of her GC.

I've always out it down to Mr. S. being her favourite. His siblings make the occasional comment like 'oh mum's talking to .... so we'll be here for some time'. I do think it has caused problems between him and his siblings over the years. He feels as uncomfortable about it as they do.

She would break our rules if the boys went to stay, silly things like not keeping to bed times and extra treats. It was of course annoying but being able to have a night or two away from time made it worth it.

We suspect that's what our ES does Noregrets, walks on eggshells with his wife.