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So very hurt.......

(26 Posts)
SallyB392 Sun 12-Jan-20 12:30:50

I'm estranged from my youngest daughter, she 'dumped' me back in October 2012, it was a shock, I thought she was close, I can't even say now why she stopped talking with me. I remember at the time thinking that she was in so much physical pain that she was trying to hurt someone else in a confused way of transferring her pain, she was so young, just 17.

It hurt, really hurt but I thought, step back, and give her some space, and I dropped off Xmas gifts. The following March, my grandson, her nephew, tragically died, the shock was greater than I can ever express in words, I let her know, but literally within days, I had a breakdown, for 3 months I was hospitalised, and I don't remember very much at all about that period, she didn't make any attempt to make contact.

Anyway, here we are, still estranged, and the pain is no easier, it's harder in some ways, she's happy, and enjoying her life, and I'm watching her from a distance, she is regaining a relationship with some of my extended family, the same family who stopped talking to me because they didn't agree with our decision to support my daughter when she wanted to marry at 16 yrs old (a long story and a case of support her or ironically lose her).

That hurts, she has a good relationship with them now, but still won't talk to us.

Oh I know, we must have done something to upset her so much, but we don't know what. I'm so tired of trying to work out what I did wrong, I'm so tired of hurting (not just because of the estrangement; I have mental health problems).

How do others cope?

Yennifer Sun 12-Jan-20 12:48:01

Stop "watching her from a distance" let go, get counselling, work on your other relationships x

Baggs Sun 12-Jan-20 12:51:34

I haven't had to cope with anything like this, SallyB, but I do wonder if non-contact sometimes just becomes a habit rather than anything more sinister.

I'm sorry you hurt so much. It's possible that the break was caused by your daughter's problems rather than anything you did. I hope you can help with your mental health issues. flowers

Baggs Sun 12-Jan-20 12:52:11

get help...

Nico97 Sun 12-Jan-20 12:57:37

Heartbreaking situation SallyB but I would echo Yennifer's words - stop watching from a distance and seek some help for you to put your life on track. flowers

Hithere Sun 12-Jan-20 13:52:47

You must take care of yourself first - once your mental and physical health issues are addressed, you may take the next step in fixing your relationships

rosecarmel Sun 12-Jan-20 14:23:50

Consider for a moment that knowing what you did specifically isn't important but knowing that the sum of the results that have come to pass are evidence of the fact that mistakes were made-

If you can work with and accept the fact that mistakes were made you can shift your focus from your daughter to you and the mistake you are currently in the process of making which is beating your head against the wall-

Your daughter is taking care of herself- As a result of taking care of herself she is happy- You can follow her example and take care of you- smile

TrendyNannie6 Sun 12-Jan-20 14:37:22

Agree with Hithere and good luck SallyB392

SallyB392 Mon 13-Jan-20 19:50:26

Thank you everyone, I agree, after all this time the actual reason for my daughter's being upset is irrelevant, I apologised a long time ago and have made it clear to her that the last thing I ever wanted to do is upset her. I also offered to go to counselling with a counsellor of her choice.

I have tried so hard to step away completely but I think the pressure is always there because her mortality is limited and so fragile and uncertain (the main reason we allowed her to marry at such a young age). Selfishly perhaps the thought that I could lose her before we are able to find a way forward breaks my heart.

I have ongoing support from the mental health services, and have done since 2013.

notanan2 Mon 13-Jan-20 20:03:09

Estrangement is rarely a matter of "a reason" (singular)

It's more likely lots of little reasons which causes one to conclude that their life will be happier/better/easier without the other in it. Its not always something that can easily be summarised. She may not have one big neat reason herself!

notanan2 Mon 13-Jan-20 20:04:34

So if you are waiting for her to declare "THE REASON" you may be waiting for something that doesnt exist x

Starlady Wed 15-Jan-20 06:57:48

Oh, SallyB, I'm so deeply sorry for the loss of your nephew and for the estrangement between you and your daughter. If I'm reading correctly, she has serious (lifespan-limiting) health problems and you have mental health problems, and I am sorry for those issues, too. It appears that you have some idea of why she cut you and DH (dear husband) off, and you have apologized for that. But as notanan says, there may be more than one reason. Or she may need more time to process the apology and her feelings. My guess is that she may just have decided that it's too hard for her to deal w/ her physical problems and your psychological ones at the same time (sigh). That may hurt to hear, but I think you can see that it's understandable. In fact, I agree w/ others that you need to seek counseling for yourself before you try again to begin to fix your relationship w/ ED (estranged daughter). Hugs!

Starlady Wed 15-Jan-20 07:03:23

As for your other family members, IMO, it was not their place to weigh in on your decision concerning ED's teenage marriage. I am sorry they stopped talking to you b/c of this, and think they were way out of line. As for ED's reconciling w/ them and not you/DH - well, she may just find it easier/less emotional to deal w/ them that her parents (you and DH). No doubt, resuming a relationship w/ EPs can be full of minefields. The fact that she's interested in reconciling w/ anyone, though, is a good sign, IMO... Patience...

BlueBelle Wed 15-Jan-20 07:16:48

This is sad and I echo starlady when she says patience maybe she is gradually thawing
I don’t know whether this is right or wrong but if I was in this position I would carry on sending her love for her birthdays and Christmas’s as if we were still in contact I would ask nothing of her in return but find a way to let her know the door is always open and you ll always love her dearly
There’s is nothing else you can do is there
I hope things turn for the better and good luck

Hithere Wed 15-Jan-20 12:09:36

Your update is worrisome.

You are shrinking responsibility in this estrangement and you blame other factors such as your dd's mortality.

"I agree, after all this time the actual reason for my daughter's being upset is irrelevant,"

No, they are not. The past will repeat itself.
If you do not know what you did to upset her, you can do it again.

"I apologised a long time ago and have made it clear to her that the last thing I ever wanted to do is upset her."

Have you ever heard " the road to hell is paved with good intentions"?
It doesn't matter you did not mean it that way, it still upset her and you are invalidating your dd's feelings - she shouldn't be hurt because it wasn't your intention. It doesn't work that way at all.

" I also offered to go to counselling with a counsellor of her choice."

Counselling with your dd? What did she reply?

"Selfishly perhaps the thought that I could lose her before we are able to find a way forward breaks my heart."

You already lost your dd. She doesn't want a relationship with you. Do you know how difficult is to make this decision, and so young?

selfishly is the key word here. Stop thinking about yourself and think how you got where you are.

Till you do not find out those missing missing reasons, nothing will move forward. Those reasons are the key.

Hithere Wed 15-Jan-20 13:14:26

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Grannyjay Wed 15-Jan-20 13:54:53

Life is just so unfair sometimes. I agree with the others regarding getting help for yourself. Your daughter may not even know why she is not talking to you and to make herself feel justified in carrying on with this behaviour she has started to speak to other members of your family to reinforce this and have less guilt. She is an adult now and let her carry on without her mother who no doubt loves her very much. It’s her loss and one day she may walk back in your life but make sure you are emotionally strong to cope either way. Good luck.

Maggiemaybe Wed 15-Jan-20 14:07:35

Sally, I am so sorry for your situation, and that of your daughter.

If you don’t have support and help in real life from family and friends, I do hope you seek it from professionals, from the Samaritans or a similar helpline or support group.

Some of the replies you get on social media will be far from helpful to someone with mental health issues. flowers

Maggiemaybe Wed 15-Jan-20 14:22:16

Sorry, Sally, I missed your update about the support you are getting already. I hope it helps.

endlessstrife Wed 15-Jan-20 14:29:58

So sorry to hear your sad story. I think all you can do is look after yourself, and let time do the rest. Your daughter is still very young, there’s plenty of time. Put your energies into the people who do love, and want to be with you.

FearlessSwiftie Wed 15-Jan-20 14:40:56

Bet you need some professional help first and them you probably will be strong enough to fix your relationships.

3nanny6 Wed 15-Jan-20 14:52:57

Sally so sorry to hear how much you are suffering with the situation regarding your daughter, you have had really good advice from the posters on here and you must start to concentrate on yourself.
Notanan2 is completely right estrangement is so complex and you may never know the reason why it has happened. Also a reunion with your daughter could happen but it could once again go wrong so you have to be emotionally strong to deal with that.
Several times I have reconciled with my daughter and things once again did not work. We are both adults with our issues and my daughter has mental health/psychological issues and I am getting older and have physical health problems and no amount of counselling has helped us solve the issues although saying that I am going back for more counselling myself as I do not want to give up after all she is my own flesh and blood and that means something to me.

Hithere Wed 15-Jan-20 15:00:44

You posted in November with a suicide ideation/threat.

Are you getting treatment for that? Your MH doesn't seem to be under control

welbeck Wed 15-Jan-20 15:21:10

obviously I don't know anything about it, but I wonder if it could be something that you were unaware of, that it bugged her so much and she may have mentioned that to you, but because you didn't realise how adversely it affected her, that you went on doing it.
so maybe she decided that she had enough to cope with.
could it be something about how you referred to her illness/condition.
people can be v sensitive about such things, and hate how family members talk about it.
maybe they find it crass, or embarrassing, or too blunt, or euphemistic, or frightening, or just annoyed that anyone other than themselves presumed to speak of it at all.
this may be way off, I don't know.
but I can imagine scenarios where people don't have much energy, and maybe time, and decide they don't want to use it up on coping with, enduring how other well-meaning people cause them extra stress.
they get fed up with overlooking things for the sake of others' feelings. it can cause a kind of emotional indigestion.
whatever it is, I think you need to discuss your feelings with a counsellor. good luck.

Starlady Wed 15-Jan-20 19:16:48

Ok, I see there are two errors in my earlier posts, Sally. One is that it was your GS (grandson) who dies, not your nephew as I said by mistake. Again, my deepest condolences. The other was that I, somehow, missed your comment that you've been getting ongoing help w/ your MH issues since 2013. Good to know. Is ED aware of this?

"Selfishly perhaps the thought that I could lose her before we are able to find a way forward breaks my heart."

"You already lost your dd. She doesn't want a relationship with you. ..."

Hithere, as painful as estrangement can be, I think Sally was referring to a fear that he ED might die due to her physical health problems before they ever get a chance to reconcile (if there is such a chance). Sally, did I read your posts correctly on this?