Cut out of the estranged GPs will, dilemma!

I understand Magnolia that seems like a strange thing to do. Grief manifests in strange ways sometimes, including even anger at the deceased for "abandoning" in some instances. I wouldn't take it personally but I wo der if there are other reasons those family members make you feel uncomfortable too. We are entitled to be as close to people as we feel despite our family ties.

I can understand you having unanswered questions Magnolia. You say all the GC were left £100 each, did that include you and your siblings?

I do think that when making a will if not all family members one would 'expect' to be treated the same aren't, a letter of explanation is a very good idea.

I'm sorry that this has made you reevaluate the relationship you had with your GM and your GM's love for your mother.

My mother, the eldest of four died of cancer about 30 years ago. Of the four, she was the one who did the most for her mother despite struggling with poor health and having four children herself. The other three siblings each had one child.
We discovered, after my grandmother died, that shortly after our mother died our grandmother had changed her will to leave everything to her’ three’ children, names listed, and if any of them should die before her, their share should pass to their children. My mother and her children were not mentioned apart from all the grandchildren being left £100 each.

The four of us, all now adults with our own families just wondered why? It was not about the money at all, just gave us a horrible feeling that somehow we and our mother were not loved as much as the others. I don’t think there was any malice intended but it did make us reevaluate our relationship with our grandmother. It also made us rethink how we felt about our mother’s siblings. Did they consider it unfair or strange? Did grandmother love our mother and us less? Nothing was ever discussed. We actually sent for a copy of the will which is how we discovered the wording.

All water under the bridge now and we will never know her reasons but it has left a sour taste in our mouths. We have always endeavoured to treat our children as equally as possible and would hate them to think we showed favouritism or loved one more than the others.

As someone who has estranged her parents: I expect to be disinherited and I don’t want anything from them anyway. My sister will probably get everything, and really she deserves it if she sticks around to deal with their end of life care and issues. Actually, I really hope there is something left for my sister, it’s possible there won’t be but that speculation isn’t important on this thread.

Reconciliation will never be an option. (CSA and other abuse is a factor in the estrangement and I’ll never endanger my kids by contacting my parents.) I want nothing from them: no money, no heirlooms, or any apologies or explanations, nothing. I don’t want any reminders of my childhood, even if it’s just something that their money bought. In the off chance I do inherit something from them, I’ll give it to my sister or donate it if she doesn’t want it.

MOnica, yes well said.

Sending my thoughts and best wishes to all that are estranged, particularly difficult at this stressful times.

I totally agree Sparkling, inheritance is a gift so why on earth would you give a gift to someone who wants nothing to do with you, and why would they want you too?

Puzzled why anyone that wants nothing to do with their parents would expect anything. I am not estranged fortunately so not talking from experience. How one spends their money is their business, better to spend the lot but if I had a child I didn't ever see and a friend or niece or a cause close to my heart they would benefit. I am a great believer in helping those I love whilst I'm alive.

Well put MOnica

Every case is different and unless you know the ins and out of the personal relationship between parent and child and the personality and behaviour of each person involved, you cannot possible make a judgement.

You certainly cannot make any kind of generalised judgements about all these situations as a group.

I have never been disinherited and have no intention of disinheriting anyone, but This thread is for exploration of feelings on being disinherited... in the hope it may change some minds on GN. I am all for the exploration of feelings, some people have on this matter, mentioned in the first half of this sentence but, presumably by the second half the OP is hoping that the disinheritors will then change their minds as a result, which I think is outrageous.

The majority of those who disinherit do so after considerable thought and after having a long and difficult relationship with a child, or other expecting beneficiary. To have someone come from outside, who knows nothing about the individual cases, and then castigates their behaviour and more or less tells them what they are doing is wrong and to change it. strikes me as arrogant and insensitive behaviour.

No Bold: dilemma. Sharing my personal take on the topic posed, as one generally does on discussion boards.

I'm sorry Calliecat I'm not sure what you mean by your post. If you feel your mother will cut you out of her will because you've gone no contact so she wants to 'punish' you, but you want nothing from her anyway, surely there's nothing for you to be concerned about.

It's frightening how many estrangements do take place when the estranging adult child has recently married or become involved in a new relationship Witzend.

I'm sorry your friends are having to try and cope with this heart ache.

Not sure I’d judge anyone for doing this, not unless I was thoroughly familiar with what had led to it.

Dh and I have recently been utterly shocked and appalled to hear of the behaviour of a newly married son towards his parents. It has only occurred since his marriage - there was no hint of any such thing before.
The parents are about the last people I would have expected such a thing to happen to - absolutely not interfering or overbearing types. It’s been a most enormous source of grief to them, and if they cut him out I wouldn’t blame them one bit, but given the people they are, I doubt they will do it.

Here we go again.
Wherein lies the dilemma ?

Part of why it took me so long to go NC with my parents was because of the inheritance issue. That immediately sounds awful, I get that, but try to understand; material objects were long a primary source of my mother's control over me, and she spent a great deal of time and effort instilling and reinforcing those values in me. What's that one saying? It's easy for your parents to push your buttons - they put them there.

My mother showed her approval with baubles and gifts, and she often showed her ire by smashing my belongings or threatening to. She bought me things I didn't ask for and didn't want or even like, had never expressed any interest in in any capacity whatsoever, and turned a hateful gaze on me for not being excited enough when she pulled them out of the bag. When she was happy with me, she was generous. When she was devaluing me, I went without. I learned to associate love with materials and gifts. When I grew older, she would give gifts to my friends and tell me about them later and ask if I was jealous, growing obviously disappointed or even hostile if I didn't act appropriately mournful to have missed out. I don't think it could be considered surprising that I ended up stuck at the door of going NC, dreading the thought of her inevitably getting in one last jab when she finally does kick it - "look, I may be dead, but just so you really get the message: this is how I feel about you."

There's a very real chance she will send all her belongings off to the trash heap and the money off to support some cause she doesn't care about simply because it's contrary to my personal views and values. I sincerely hope so, anyway. I don't really want any reminders; her gifts always had too many strings anyway.

Yes, outside influences and inner personality traits (2 kids can be raised the same way, but each respond differently b/c of their individual personalities, I believe). IMO, parents usually have the most impact on you (general) when you are little, but as time moves on the influences of peers, siblings, other relatives, etc. become stronger - and eventually sweethearts and/or spouses and maybe your own AC.

Agree Nonnie

I don't think we can blame our upbringing for what we become as adults. If that were the case I would be a very different person from the one I am. I have nothing but pride for my DCs and GDs but don't claim the credit in the same was as I would not blame the parent of an AC if their offspring became something they didn't like. I think there are so many outside influences from about secondary school that parents cannot do anything about that judging others is not appropriate.

^Chewbacca Sat 29-Feb-20 19:34:19
But at what point is it unhealthy to still be clutching and nursing those scars, or going back over it all again and again^

I agree, good post.

In France it is more difficult to disinherit your blood line, children, higher taxes have to be paid by others who receive any money However, children or family members are expected by law to pay for close family care, retirement homes etc. if the older person does not have enough money
Inherited money is your money and is not included in divorce proceedings to be divided by the other person.

I know, it's brilliant really x

That's nice.

Anyone who thinks they have achieved some sort of perfect equilibrium would be shocked to know how far they still have to go. Life can throw all sorts at us at any time. We are not in control of evedything. Not even our own thoughts at times. My measure of how well I have done or how healed I am won't be the same as anyone else's but I know I am happy and I know I feel good about my life and I have achieved things I didn't think possible. That's good enough for me and its good enough for my loved ones. I'm good enough and that's all I want to be x

Ah, my mistake, apologies. Sounds like you have quite a long road ahead yet so I wish you a safe journey. X

No that is not what I said at all. Most would always be trying to heal and its no one's business how long it takes. There are no magic buttons to push anywhere. Not everyone has access to needed resources and some have to put with people telling them to just get over it all the time without bothering to explain how. Some do develop life long mental health issues and I have compassion for them too even when they are unkind or abusive to me like my mother. I do not have to tolerate their crap though and risk becoming like them x