Cut out of the estranged GPs will, dilemma!

I agree Nonnie it has been discussed in the past and like you, I haven't seen here on GN, GP's say they're "going to cut their AC out of their will too many times".

That said, regardless of how many times it may have been said like you I don't understand the assumption that such a decision is made out of bitterness.

Smile I think it may have been discussed as a possibility but don't think I've actually seen

"read that GPs on GN are going to cut their AC out of their will? Too many times."

I know I have pondered on whether the cutter off might have second thoughts when they think they may have been cut out of a will but that is not quite the same. The OP suggests that many of us on gn are actually doing it with a bitterness I don't recognise from fellow gns. This just feels rather odd to me from a poster whose name I don't recognise but, as I say, I am not always on here and don't read every thread.

A good post on a painful subject Smileless

made a mess of that didn't I.

Should have read 'it's our ES being thought of .......'.

Thank you Namsnanny.

The subject of EP's disinheriting their EAC has been discussed here on GN before over the years and whether or not to include estranged GC has also been talked about.

IMO it's wrong to assume that the decision to exclude either is made out of bitterness.

Some GP's like us, don't know and in all probability will never know our GC. What we are leaving them is a memory box with cards we've sent, and will continue to send for birthdays and Christmas. Together with photo's of extended family they'll never meet and something of their family history.

There a couple of very personal items which will be left to our ES and some family photographs.

I don't know if our ES and GC will feel the same, but for me it isn't about money it's being in our ES's thought of, and for our GC knowing that they were in our hearts even though we'd never met.

There are other things apart from money than can be, and in our case will be left and may be treasured more.

I haven't seen a GP say that but I haven't been here long. I haven't seen An EC say they expected anything in the will either x

ananimous and others, just wondering if anyone has seen any posts where a GP has said they would do this? I haven't, which is why I ask but I don't look at every thread and am often away from GN.

smileless Thinking of you and mr.s
Yes I think your right. Above all
compassion.
Without it no one can move on.
X

You are right Smile which is why I find it so unreasonable when I read very one sided comments. I can be all one way on either side with nothing the other side can do about it. Not sure I would want to reward someone in my will who had done that to me though.

You obviously have a great relationship with your d's.i.l. Nonnie.

As you say, if someone is determined to find fault there's nothing you can do. I'd add to that that if someone's determined to cut you out of their life, there's nothing you can do about that either.

Smile you have made the point so well "understanding and compassion" it needs to come from the person who is doing the cutting off too. We seem to have a trend for people making themselves victims when really they are not, we usually have a choice in the matter and it is often about control. When I do something different/wrong with my GC my dil simply explains how she does it and I do it her way. She doesn't treat me as if I did it deliberately and I am not upset about being told. Last night one dil got something completely wrong and we laughed about it. If everyone has good will it doesn't need to come to the point of estrangement but if one is determined to find fault there is nothing the other can do.

My AC don't expect to inherit anything so why should someone who has cut another off expect anything?

I certainly agree about the pointlessnes of creating divisions rather than supporting and offering constructive help from our own experiences etc.

Thanks for your explanation namsnanny

"Any kind of estrangement is a life altering problem, and people cannot find a way through it if others persist in meddling and looking to create divisions rather than offer hope, guidance and help".

Excellent post Namsnanny and when we can't offer hope and struggle to give guidance, sometimes the only help we have to give is our understanding and compassion.

madgran ... I understand your reply, especially if you haven't read the earlier posts by annanamous.
The choice if language said it all for me. Eg

- bitterstep I stead of just step.

-^It appears to me some gps would prefer to be estranged rather than take a cold hard look at themselves and change
Not both parties follow the above advice!

-then telling maw not to stick the knife in when she was only asking a question!

- To change mi ds on GN, a very big ask I know
Arrogant and unnecessary as she asked the question and presumes to know the answer, so I presumed also that her reasoning was simply to stir the pot once again.

I was encouraged to persist in MPOV when I read the comment
no point in working towards anything with a narc (who is being referred to now, maw?)
If it refers to some gns on estrangement threads, why post at all?

Any kind of estrangement is a life altering problem, and people cannot find a way through it if others persist in meddling and looking to create divisions rather than offer hope guidance and help.

For unloved ECs I think the relationship would have always continued if they felt loved despite their parents shortcomings. I know I wasn't loved, because my life was the opposite of love and my love towards her was squashed out of me in the end x

mumofmadboys I feel exactly as you do, although, like you, I am not personally in the sad situation of being estranged from my AC.

It sn't a matter of no longer loving the AC whose estranged you.

That is so true Smileless The love doesnt go, but decisions on inheritance are made for many reasons. And yes it is a gift, small or large.

Some of the reasons I have seen for cutting people off are very minor

Yes Nonnie I agree there are certainly examples of that. I too have kept things going in difficult circumstances

Madgran77 Sun 23-Feb-20 13:03:27 I did keep the peace in very difficult circumstances so know how difficult it can be. Some of the reasons I have seen for cutting people off are very minor which is why I suggested that it should only be done for very serious reasons. We have a lack of empathy these days, it feels as if some don't try to see another's point of view or accept it is OK not to share it. I don't understand the intolerance because I don't share it.

I've also seen many accusations of narcissism but can't understand how people are so sure. Surely a narcissist would never get a diagnosis because they wouldn't think there was anything wrong with them?

Smileless2012, Thank you. I wondered if it stood for Adopted Child. I have heard of adopted children being left out of Grandparents wills on the grounds of not considering them to be their GCs. Especially if they weren't consulted about the adoption.

AC stands for adult child wicklowwinnie.

Our ES is not a beneficiary of our wills. He chose to estrange himself just over 7 years ago and I can't for the life of me imagine why he would expect any inheritance or would want something from the people he's chosen to have nothing to do with.

It isn't a matter of no longer loving the AC whose estranged you. Ask any EP if they love their EC and they'll say of course they do, which is why the pain may diminish in time but never goes away.

It isn't a matter of punishing them from beyond the grave either, a comment I've seen on more than one occasion in the past when this conversation has taken place.

Inheritance is a gift and for me it's a gift to be appreciated regardless of how big or small a gift it might be.

What does AC stand for please?

Thankyou Yennifer

Madgran77 your comments are always kind and fair x

I haven't really worked out a "motive" namsnanny; I must be missing something. I think it is quite an interesting area to discuss with different perspectives from estranged people in different contexts, whatever the original motive though