Cut out of the estranged GPs will, dilemma!

ananaimous ....your reaction to Maw reveals your true motive in starting this thread.

I don't understand cutting family off no matter what unless it was something really terrible like murder

There are some reasons given that I struggle to understand. However there are other reasons given by AC and by EPs re their reasons for choosing to estrange where I can understand their perspective, even if my own choice might be different. I do think that until one has walked that road it is almost impossible to be sure what one would do. Keeping the peace is great and in many families that can happen and work.... but for some, for various reasons, often quite extreme circumstances, it is impossible.

I agree re not saving it to hand on Yennifer. Told my mum and dad that endlessly. The little they did have went on care costs anyway but they had had a bit of fun together before that.

Thank you Madgran77. If we were still in contact I still wouldn't want anything. Use it, have adventures, do the bucket list and have an amazing life! It's a shame for any parent to scrimp and save for their children instead of enjoying the retirement they earned. I don't think I will have much to leave and not sure I'll ever afford to retire so will make sure I don't leave behind funeral costs x

I couldn't care less. If I was estranged why expect anything? Im with Flyingsolo. Why is there an expectation at all? For myself, I am entitled to nothing. The little I have got I worked for. I really don't understand people who seem to think their relatives money should be theirs. At the end of the day when the person is deceased, the money belongs to the estate of the deceased person. I find it quite a sad and unhealthy attitude if basically you think you are entitled to anything just because you happen to be related. I can assure you I have family members I want NOTHING from, what I've never had, I'll never miss.

I agree with MissAdventure Sun 23-Feb-20 11:03:44 and others, especially if it was the AC who did the cutting off. Why on earth would they expect to gain from the death of someone they did such a thing to?

I was very surprised to hear a couple of years ago that someone who had cut off a parent and sibling benefited substantially from the death of a parent they had no contact with for years and who had never been allowed to meet the GC. If that were me I wouldn't feel able to accept anything at all. I don't understand cutting family off no matter what unless it was something really terrible like murder. Surely simply keeping the peace is kinder and makes one a better person? A lack of empathy seems to be the cause, failing to recognise we can't all agree all the time. I don't always agree with my AC or my Dils but we get along very well and occasionally agree to disagree.

....EACs decision ....

I think it is true that if an EAC has estranged because they were "the scapegoat" and the parent leaves an inheritance to the other children , then that is just another last method for scapegoating! I suppose in a way it validates the EACs to estrange, though hopefully they will be sure that they did the right thing anyway. Yennifer I think you have a very constructive and healthy attitude to this scenario...and if it happens to you I hope that you can just cut off the intended hurt and move on.

I know one parent who has estranged herself from one daughter because of serious financial abuse. She has rewritten her will so that that daughters children ie her grandchildren will get her share.

I don't have any problems with being cut out the will, only with the text stating I had been cut out the will and everything would be going to x and y "the good children", no need to say it, just something horrible to say to try and hurt me x

My feelings exactly *Eglantine and MissA*; and I'm an EAC. My choice, my consequences.

I have a hard time imagining that an estranged person would expect to be left something.
"Entitled" springs to mind.

It’s a hard thread to follow because it is out of sync.

Firstly, I’m not intending to leave anything. Spend, spend spend,
Secondly, nobody ever left me anything, so I didn’t have to worry about that.

But what would I do? I think if one of my children cut me off completely, that would be that. Their choice and choices have consequences. They couldn’t expect any thing more than any body else who had nothing to do with me.

If you walk away, you walk away........

I was very close to one of my aunties. She was estranged from her own daughter . She adored my son and would often take him out in his pram and “ show him off “ when he was a baby . She sadly died very suddenly ( no will) and her husband ,my uncle gave all her jewellery (including some quite valuable pieces) to my sister. Almost all of which she sold . I honestly think he did it as a kind of punishment.

Starlady
No my husband's aunt left money to all her nieces and nephews, ie all my husband's generation, and all the other great-nieces and great-nephews.

She'd obviously got some grievance against two of our children but no-one had any idea what or why.

She'd also promised, to his face, to leave my husband a flat she owned: that was for all the help he'd given. That didn't happen either but that didn't bother him, it was our children being cut out that really upset him.

(Her house went to the nephew and his wife who lived close by and had looked after the aunt in her later years).

If you are the Scapegoat, the 'cutting you out of the will' is the final, "F-You. I never loved you and as always I am going to give You what You 'deserve'... Which is nothing! LOL"

I always encourage EP's to divide their estate unequally between their children, up to and including cutting off their "bad" child(ren). Always leave a 'legacy' of inequality and dysfunction! At least it's accurate/truth, which I am always for. It also, in the future, may prove the Goat correct, that they could never 'win' in the 'family'.

One other thought... As another poster mentioned, it could be the EP who decided to go NC in the first place. IMO, that's a little trickier. Disowning their EAC would then become part of their effort to push them away. IMO, it would be good of the EP in this scenario to at least keep that one connection/leave something to their AC. But I don't think an EAC should expect it in this situation either.... JMHO...

"I wouldn’t have thought it was that uncommon for adult children to be left nothing, if there’s a spouse alive."

I don't think it is uncommon. But often, the agreement between the spouses is that the remaining spouse will leave money/assets to the kids when that spouse passes.

"So he, who had done so much for her and her sister over many years, was the only one who lost out financially. "

This is sad, V3ra. But did the aunt leave any money to her other nieces and nephews or only DH (besides him, you only mention great-nieces and great-nephews). IOWS, did she skip over other nieces and nephews to leave money to their kids? Perhaps it's b/c DH did so much for her that she left him the money instead of your two children?

If it's any comfort, I don't think you and yours are the only ones who were ever disappointed in an aunt's decisions about inheritances. I've heard of cases before where one niece or nephew did more for a childless aunt, only to find that she divided her assets up equally among all her nieces and nephews in her will. Or that she left everything to a favorite charity.

As for estrangement, I don't see, people, how anyone can expect an inheritance from a parent they have CO or be shocked if they find out that parent didn't leave them anything. If they want nothing to do w/ that parent, it seems to me, they shouldn't want their money/assets either. But I admit, I haven't been in the situation, so, ananimous, I don't know how it would feel.

In fact, I agree that it would be preferable for the EP to try to find a way to mend the estranged relationship. But if that doesn't happen, EAC should not be surprised to find they have been cut out of the EP's will.

Thankfully I am not in the sad position of being estranged from any of my AC. However if I was I think I would still leave all my children a share of my estate. I think a mother always loves the children they bore even if that love has been sorely tested. It also shows or represents love and forgiveness as you depart this life.

True.

I just think you can show so much by leaving the AC a little something, and am saddened that a GP would take such a bitter step.

Nobody really knows what people are thinking when they decide about who to leave the money to.
I only had one uncle, my mothers estranged brother who was widowed young and had no children. I had intermittent contact with him over the years, doing family history and sharing an interest in music. I would probably visit him once a year at mutual request. He was extremely wealthy but I never discussed money with him. He did once say many years ago that as I was the only member of the family who bothered with him, I would be “ looked after”
Fast forward to a few years ago, I didn’t receive a Christmas card from him and made some enquiries. Apparently he had died mid year, having just prior to that informed his solicitor that he had no relatives, didn’t want a funeral and all his money was to go to guide dogs for the blind. He had no dogs ever and had good eyesight!
Who knows why he made those decisions.
I never thought about inheriting from him when I was visiting, but was disappointed that I didn’t know he was terminally ill.
His beautiful house was sold for £450000!

@Luckylegs
The posts have been out of sync with the intended answer appearing further down, it quite ok.

I agree, Doodlebug. I don’t know what’s been said before and why all these strange meaningful remarks that don’t mean anything to me. I’ve been on GN a long time but am obviously not in the clique and am not bothered if it means ‘discussions’ like this.

Thankyou @Dollymac that's very kind of you.

So this scenario wouldn’t apply then if it is the adult children who have estranged themselves from their parents ?

If the parents were the party who caused the estrangement then leaving money in the will would make the estranged adult child feel more loved ?

I wonder how a parent whose child has chosen estrangement will feel on their deathbed ? As they won’t have the benefit of an inheritance to show their child did love them .

I am picking up a strange undercurrent on this thread. I haven't been here long enough to know what it is, but there does seem to be a subtext that I'm sensing but not understanding, and it's uncomfortable.

I don't want to say anything that might hurt anyone, so I'm bowing out.