May I tell you a story? It’s a long one!
I’m always impressed by the calm, logical support offered by our Community. I would welcome some of the same to help me to decide how to handle a difficulty situation.
My Adult Son, now 40, had a difficult upbringing. He was parented by his Alcoholic Father alone since he was 11, against my wishes – but there was no support from Social Services in those days. I had to leave the home for safety and sanity reasons. Son No 2 decided to stay. He was taken as a willing hostage by his Father, who he adored. I had no choice. His Father died when my Son was 18. My Son No 2 slowly became closer to myself, his Step Father and his Elder Sibling, Son No 1. He seemed to enjoy all we had to offer – Company and Experiences, and it has to be said, some Financial support.
We spent many, many happy Family Trips together with his dear Wife and children. I enjoyed supporting them in their busy lives with raising their children – swimming, school collections, football, clubs, etc, etc, which they would never have been able to attend without our help.
Unknown to us all – particularly his Wife – he announced that he had been unhappy for years and that he was emotionally drained by having to keep up the pretense. He blew our Family apart – with vile hurtful words, actions and threats. He tried to ruin his Brother’s marriage. He dismissed his close friends. He betrayed his Step Father. He did his best to destroy all around him, except for his illicit new Partner, who has stepped in to become a surrogate co-parent to his children, supporting of all my Son’s vileness.
During the Tempest we, myself and Step Father Husband, quite rightly protected and supported our then DiL. It was a desperate situation for her. She was at risk. She had been financially abused. Her children were dazed. My Son had the support of his new Partner. His hostility made it very clear that Step Father and I were “dead to him”.
That was two years ago.
I have since researched much about his Mental Health. I am now beyond doubt that he is an outright Narcissist. I do understand that all we could do was to remove ourselves from his control. Hurtful as that was for both of us, we managed a degree of calm, liaising directly with our now Ex DiL to maintain contact with the children. It seemed to work – at the loss of my relationship with my Son, but everyone else seemed to be comfortable with the situation.
Following an issue with one of the children recently, this seems to have triggered another breakdown in my Son. He seems to feel that he had lost control, not having been informed by his Ex-Wife about the situation. Neither I nor his Step Father had any part of the decision to keep quiet. DiL was simply frightened about his reactions – hostility, aggression and no compromise to the detriment of the child. However, his reaction has backfired on us. He has now required that his Ex-Wife, Mother of our Grandchildren, sign a Contract to never associate with us at all, in return for ceasing hostile texts and phone calls to her. He alone has to communicate with us regarding all matters concerning the children. This just won’t happen. We haven’t communicated for two years. He has performed the text book Divide and Conquer. Ex DiL needed to find peace in their relationship. I see that.
He has posted a Recorded Delivery Copy Contract to ourselves. I haven’t opened it. It’s too hurtful. I know what’s in it and I cannot bow to his demands.
Is that unreasonable of me? Should I be the bigger person here, at the risk of again becoming the victim whenever there is displeasure? Is there any hope? The children now are aged 14, 10 and 4. We have way to go, I fear.
