Frightened I will never see her or overcome this block

Starblaze … all things aside

I do appreciate the opportunity to use flabbergasted though!

This made me laugh out loud, probably the tension on here getting to me

?

So Elana you’re mad that your dd won’t scamper back to trauma bond with you over a relative she doesn’t care for nor have a relationship with??? Using the courts in this way is certainly one way of ensuring your daughter never wants to be near you again. Even if you win, you’ll lose. And your gc certainly will.

Bias choice of language Odave helpful.

rosecarmel … which post was it you were referring to? As you paraphrased It's what I do I just wondered.

On Tuesday evening Grandmafrench asked me where I get the energy Namsnanny and I told her Mr. S. often asks me why I bother and funnily enough, had asked me that earlier the same evening.

I said my response to Mr. S. was "It's what I do".

My d has responded to my texts to her regarding her grandfather passing due the Covid-19. I was upset that she didnt initially respond when I said he was poorly in hospital and couldn't believe she could be so cold. But now she has sent her condolences but still going on about my gs and how she needs questions answering and how she wants closure for my gs and what hes experienced with my gd. I have asked so many times as to what questions but I get no reply so unless she asks I cant answer. She has finally agreed to going to mediation once the lockdown has lifted but now I have another dilemma as the mediators I saw signed it off as my d ignored their letter to attend. The same mediator has emailed me explaining that due to the lockdown they had to close their offices, naturally. But they also said they would not be re opening after the lockdown had lifted. I dont want to start hunting another mediation service to have to go through the same procedure paying another £76 to have them write to my daughter inviting her to mediation. My d knowing how her mind works will take this as an insult. I know she will get annoyed as she has already agreed and I dont want to tell her they've shut down. If anybody has any suggestions of how I can approach her to still get together I would appreciate it and again thankyou for all the positive replies I've received...

I'm glad your D has responded to your texts about the death of her GF and also that she's agreed to mediation; that's a huge step forward.

I don't see why it should make any difference to your D if you have to have a different mediator; it's not as if this process had previously been started and she'd met the mediator you'd initially contacted.

Simply tell her that the one originally assigned will not be operating once the lock down's been lifted so you're going to have to find another one.

As you've paid £76 for a service that hasn't been provided surely you're entitled to a refund.

When ask say about suggestions about how to approach her "to still get together" do you mean over and above a mediation session? If so I'd suggest you simply wait until your D suggests getting together once the lock down is over, or until you see how the mediation goes.

GO TO A THERAPIST!
Your updates make less and less sense. You you spiraling out of control

So you dont want to tell your dd that the current mediation office you hired has permantently closed because she will take it as an insult?

This makes no sense whatsoever.

Of course tell her they closed and she will be sent another letter from a different mediator's office?

What happens when this closed mediator office does not reach out to her with a schedule to meet? What is she going to think?

You are just going to forget about mediation because the current office closed?

Of course she wants answers for the sexual abuse of her son! Are you 100000% she never mentioned those questions to you or you just do not understand what she is asking?
It is hard to believe she wants answers without asking the questions first.
Your denial is playing a huge part here.

Nothing to add to what Smileless has said other than it does look as if you might just be going in the right direction now.

But, you need to stop over-thinking things and being concerned about future or further steps. If she is agreeing to mediation, then be hopeful, be grateful and get on and find another mediation service since the one you wanted to use is closed. It's simple. Try to claim a refund from the original service, but don't get your Daughter involved in anything other than what has now been agreed, but do explain that after the lockdown ends, the original service will not be re-opening, so she is likely to be contacted by someone else. Then you wait. You are simply passing on information so that she will be up to date - you can't tiptoe around and worry about her being insulted (?) Why would she be insulted?

I wouldn't do any more than that. If you can both start going to sessions, maybe this whole mess will stop unravelling and some progress towards real reconciliation can be made, with professional help. Until you have done that there is little point in your attempting to organise anything else yourself, because nothing - so far - has changed.

That's a very good point about not over thinking and looking too far ahead Grandmafrench.

I agree with Smileless and Grandmafrench

"My d has responded to my texts to her regarding her grandfather passing due the Covid-19. I was upset that she didnt initially respond when I said he was poorly in hospital and couldn't believe she could be so cold."

elana, let's examine that. You earlier stated that, "She has never been close to him, neither have I really due to my parents divorcing when I was 3. But he is still my dad and her grandad. I was so upset when the hospital called me, all I wanted to do was talk with my d as upset as I was. My d didnt even send me a text to ask after him."

You just admitted that you have/had basically 'no feelings' for your father and instead of accepting that and how tragic that is for You, you want to deflect/project onto your daughter how 'wrong' it is for HER to have 'no feelings' toward him... It would be healthier for You to admit/accept you didn't care about him, even if that made You a 'bad daughter' better that then pass that blame/shame/ignorance on in your 'family'.

I agree with Smileless. Make your connection with a mediator after the lockdown and give your daughter several dates that are available for her to be there. Or, as many of the mediators and therapists are doing now, do an online session.
Tell her that you will take care of all the arrangements so that isn't a stress on her. Glad she is in contact with you. Just remember that whatever she says is her perception and it doesnt' mean she is correct. That's a hard one to swallow, I know.
This weekend is our Mother's Day and I hate it every year.
I wish they would just take that and Father's Day and throw it away. Everyday should be Mother and Father's Day.

Smileless

Elena Sounds very promising to me, best of luck xx

Sally
My youngest daughter stopped communication way back in 2012. She was very angry with me, though I never really understood what she's angry about. I have tried apologising, trying to gently suggest moving on, proposing family counselling, as well as simply giving her space.
Same story for me too, as with Smileless I think you were very kind to offer help. I remember when this first happened to me, asking her in-laws to let me know if my D or GC were ever taken to hospital or were ill, & always holding my breath as an ambulance raced by, as we lived so near each other - a mothers/grandmothers love!

Our adult daughter stopped speaking to us in July last year and has gradually cut of contact with her sisters d brother too. She has struggled with emotional difficulties for several years and finds it difficult to maintain relationships of any kind for long but never in my worst nightmares did I think I think we would become estranged. Ten months on I still feel shocked by the experience, especially as we had always been close.
Counselling does help, but the thought of not knowing if we will ever have a relationship with her is unbearable.
I know she is safe and physically well and she has minimal contact with my sister, but how can I ever expect to feel happy again? The whole family is shattered by her choice and we don’t know how to heal.
Any advice?

I'm so sorry to read about your estrangement Sabanilas it's a very difficult and painful situation to try and come to terms with.

It's good that she has minimal contact with her aunt so at least you know that she's safe and well.

It takes time to heal, time to come to terms with what's happened which in my own experience is an ongoing process even after 7.5 years.

I hope that you will be able to feel happy again. We've been able to do so but it took time and 10 months is still very early days.

As hard as it is, try to find peace in the knowledge that she is safe and well, that even though you are not a part of her life, she is making a life for herself.

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Thank you Smileless 2012.
It does help to know there are people out there who understand. I feel too ashamed to tell anyone outside of my close family and friends, there’s a strong sense of guilt even though rationally there’s no real reason for it.
For now I’m just focusing on the good things in life and what I can do. If she does come back I don’t want her to find me completely broken.

Hi Sabanilas I've just responded to your post on another thread; I'd forgotten that you'd posted here previously.

It's interesting that you should talk of there being no rational reason for the sense of guilt some EP's feel. It's an irrational situation isn't it; irrational and illogical.

I'm glad that you are able to focus on what is good in your life and what you can do. Whether or not your D comes back, you don't want to be completely broken.

As difficult as it is, you have a life to lead. People who love and depend on you. Be there for them, even though you cannot at this time, be there for your D.

Sabanilas I’m so sorry about your situation. I too have felt guilt wondering what I did or could have done better. But then as I see my son’s withdrawal from friends and no job in two years I realize he is the one with issues. He lives with his father and at 42 years old that does not look promising. His claim that I have sided with my daughter when they were young is a perceived notion not a factual one. My worst offense .... sending him emails with job listings five years ago. So after hearing that from his dad I realized I have been trying to rationalize with an u rational son.
My point being that we guilt ourselves even if the child has the problem. I used to be embarrassed to tell anyone including my family lest they should think it was my fault.
Now I do t care and if anyone asks I tell them he is not in contact with me . That usually shuts them up. Stay strong and yes do some good things for yourself. It does help.

It takes time doesn't it Rhinestone to discard those feelings of guilt and shame that come with being estranged. Knowing that you're not alone, that sadly it's happening to so many helps.

Good to see your post. I hope you're well and are not being directly affected by the riots.

Yes Smileless it does take time and there are still days when I become undone.
I just find that I still have the anger though when I think too much about it. And being home so much allows me to do that.
The riots are forty minutes from where I live and they have been peaceful. I just want this virus and our president to go away. It’s been enough for many of us. Thank you for asking.

Good to know you're OK Rhinestone. I'm the same when it comes to the anger. Mr. S. and I were talking about our ES the other week and I was surprised at how much anger remains.

We are going to write my stepson one more time. I’m working with my psychologist about this. She is going to read it and help. After five and a half years this is our last communication. She doesn’t have much hope and told me not to either. But I’m a fighter and will give up after this attempt if there is no response. As for my son who estranged himself from his sister because of an argument, I am done. I will continue to send birthday cards but no more asking for
him to communicate with me. How weird that both boys are born on the same day and both estranged themself from us.
I hope all of you are getting through this pandemic without too much anguish. It is not easy.

I wish you well with your letter Rhinestone I hope that if he fails to respond you wont be too hurt but perhaps some hurt is inevitable.

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