In need of advice about DIL

I think the other pp’s have covered how insensitive you seem and have been towards her.

I just want to add that you also seem incredibly self-centred and if you were my MIL I wouldn’t be wanting any contact with you at all (not a MIL hater by the way, I get on brilliantly with mine). So just to point out a few things

1. You complain that you don’t get ‘the same amount of care’ with her DD compared to your other sons child. You are not entitled or owed time alone (I presume that’s what you mean by care?) with anyone else’s child, be they your grandchild or not.

2. I was outraged I wasn’t told by her or my son. For goodness sake, these are my grandchildren she’s losing This made me so angry on her behalf. ‘Your’ grandchildren are HER children, that she is physically losing. Multiple times. Its not about you. It’s about her and your son.

3. Annoyed because you haven’t been told why this pregnancy is successful? Get a grip woman. For a start, she doesn’t have to tell you her medical information, how can you think you’re entitled to that? And just be bloody glad that it is.

Overall, take a long hard look at your attitude. You come across as entitled and believing that this situation is about you. Also, how anyone can not understand that a miscarriage at any stage can be traumatic is seriously lacking in empathy. Also, after she told you did you spend the day making a fuss over your other sons girlfriend? Even if she didn’t want to tell everyone she probably expected you to at least be understanding.

Also ‘she has her baby, shouldn’t she be getting over this?’ You seem so cruel OP.

I’d be pretty horrified if anyone popped in for a surprise weekend visit to me at any time, let alone when miscarrying. It’s too late now but surely asking your son what suited him & his wife would have been the best idea ie is it better to stay or leave?

I also think your proprietorial attitude towards your son and family says a lot. I am astounded that you could write this I’m hurt that my son waited so long to tell me, and they didn’t let us know what has changed to cause this pregnancy to thrive where the others hadn’t. Life changes? Medication? IVF? I believe we have a right to know.

What right do you have to know why this pregnancy seems to be progressing better than the previous ones? It’s absolutely none of your business. I sincerely hope fences can be mended but I fear that will not happen until you examine your attitude.

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Listen to the advice you have been given above, get yourself some help for your feelings, I'm afraid they are completely unreasonable and not justified at all. Get help or you are going to lose that relationionship completely.

AgathaRay every word is utterly utterly bonkers. Poor woman. Take a giant step back.

If the baby is due in September she’s only about 4 months pregnant, still a long way to go so they must be still very anxious, especially with Covid 19 around. After a few losses, couples often delay announcing a pregnancy. And may not want to tell people, even grandparents, if they lose a baby early. You said you were outraged that you hadn’t been told about the loss last September. They don’t have any obligation to tell you.

Wouldn’t that seem an abandonment, to leave once we found out? Was it not helpful that we stayed round to entertain the child as she went through her ordeal?

Alright. I can see where you are coming from, Monica.

At the first during Christmas I bumped into her crying in the back bedroom. She’d found out that my other son’s girlfriend had accidentally gotten pregnant with their third child and was upset. She insisted that I not make a fuss. So I did what was asked of me.

The second in May hurt because we wanted to take her mind off of it once realizing what was happening. We invited her to lunch, which was rejected, and bought her a beautiful bouquet that she ended up sending home with us. You’re right, I had no right to be upset over her reaction. Like I said, I have no experience with this type of loss.

It always amazes me that people who are so very sensitive to their own feelings are absolutely insensitive to the feelings of others. They said they weren’t celebrating Mother’s Day. You decided to override this and visit anyway as a ‘surprise’. And when your DS told you that DIL was in the process of losing their baby you didn’t do the decent thing and go home. YOU STAYED, forcing your poor DIL to isolate in her bedroom to get some peace and privacy. And that’s just for starters. AgathaRay, you have the hide of a rhino.

OK, Agatha, I will assume you are genuine and try to put it kindly but bluntly. According to your post, your DiL has had 3 miscarriages in a year and all you can talk about is how she isnt treating you the way you think you should be treated.

After the first miscarriage you write It was during the Christmas season and she was reasonably upset. I did my best to sympathize, without it effecting the rest of the family’s festivities, of course.

'Reasonably upset'? She was devastated and all you could think of was your Christmas celebrations!

After the second you say We had popped in for a surprise weekend visit over Mother’s Day and DIL did not seem pleased. The visit further soured when my son told us she was experiencing yet another pregnancy loss. She spent all weekend shut away in her room while we played with GD in the main room. She didn’t come to Mother’s Day lunch and asked not to be given a gift, and didn’t even say goodbye when we left

You were utterly insensitive, you should have turned round and gone straight home the moment the miscarriage was mentioned - and then you have the nerve to complain because your devastated DiL didn't want to be the party hostess!!!!.

Then you complain because you were not told of the next miscarriage, well of course you weren't after the way you reacted to the first 2 and you talk about her losing your grandchildren.

Finally you complain that she hasn't 'warmed to you' and told you of her current pregnancy'

I am sorry but you come out of your post such a monumental narcissst it is difficult to believe you are real.

Were I your son I would have given you your marching orders after the second miscarriage and not seen or cmmunicated with you since.

I never told her she was losing it! I believe it was a very calm, gentle suggestion that she go speak to a physician about possible depression. I myself have been treated for various, minor issues in mental health. It’s nothing to be ashamed about.

I simply thought by stepping back I would make things worse, by seeming like I don’t care. I do. I love my son and my GD, and while DIL and I have struggled to find things in common I do like her and want us to have a good relationship for my son and grandchild’s sake.

And I did think that having a successful pregnancy would mend things. Apparently that is the furthest thing from the truth, and I apologize. I will mention here that I did not express that thought to anyone but my DH.

It was obvious she was losing it. When I recommended that she go visit a physician for her mental health, she threw a fit. I was no longer allowed contact with her at all, or my lovely GD.

If someone said that to you would you be receptive? If someone said that to me, oh wait they have, I would lose my shit and tell that person to forget I exist. And I did.

I feel like if I were talked to as these things were transpiring I wouldn’t have made the mistakes that were obviously made, and now I’m unsure of what to do to fix things.

It was NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If they had wanted you to know? They would have told you. And it is clear to everyone but you that you are the one who needs to stop making their life about what you want if you ever want to be a part of it again at all.

I think there’s more to the problems with the relationship than insensitivity over miscarriage. You mentioned a surprise weekend visit last May, even though they had told you they were not celebrating. Most grandparents here would not just invite themselves without checking first if it was convenient.

You need to inform yourself more about pregnancy loss, at whatever stage it occurs. It used to be not talked about much, but nowadays the trauma it causes is recognized. I don’t think a sympathy card is appropriate.

Should I rewrite? It will be dreadfully long. I’ve been accused of fabrication, of all things, so I feel it is a waste of my time if no one will take me seriously.

I have no one to talk to about this, my DH is absolutely sick of hearing it. I’m at a loss.

It is so hard for me to write these things out, I did not intend to sound unfeeling. Going back it does sound callous. I meant to give the information about her situation and the fact that they’ve stepped back from me without communicating why or what I can do to help. I feel like if I were talked to as these things were transpiring I wouldn’t have made the mistakes that were obviously made, and now I’m unsure of what to do to fix things.

I’d like to mend our relationship before the new arrival in September.

Do as MOnicasuggests Agetha then if you are for real perhaps you could re write your original post.

Agatha, if you are real, reread your post and then consider why we find it difficult to believe your post is genuine.

A wind up?

Truly, I am unsure how to go about this. They have given us no information (like in May?! They had told us they were not celebrating so we popped over. Obviously if we had been given a reason we wouldn’t have come.)

And I would have sent a sympathy card if I had known about the third.

They were very early losses, and I have never experienced one myself or know anyone else who has, so while I’m sure it’s a difficult experience, without communication how am I to know how to respond or help?

The only experience I have is a late teacher who had a very late term loss, and that obviously was traumatic. Is it the same for early ones as well?

You don't just 'get over this '
Perhaps you should have given a warning to people who, before they read it, it could evoke sensitive emotions
I feel dreadfully sorry for both your son and DIL and wish them better times to come

why not shy

I think if you just read through your post, you may be able to see shy your DIL is distant. She and your son....and the little one, have suffered such losses. I feel so sad you obviously can’t see past how you should be treated in all this. Of course, if this is a wind up, I still feel sorry for you. If you are for real, just back right off, and wait until they are ready. Don’t make this any worse.

Sorry, but I also think this is a wind up, no Mother or Mother in Law could possibly be so insensitive.

School hols are here again

Me too.

Me too Oops.