Gransnet forums



(95 Posts)
Sunnyhaze Wed 15-Apr-20 20:22:59

my daughter decided 3 years ago that she didn't want me in her or the children's life anymore. No reason, no explanation nothing.
Obviously being heartbroken i tried texting, emailing and even went to see her just one time only, but they wouldn't let me in i haven't been confrontational or threatening in any way. I've just cried and cried but they rang the police who sent me a letter threatening me with harrassment... they won't tell me the reason or why or anything
Can the police warn me etc without giving me the reason why my daughter doesn't want to see me or want me in their life?
Can the police threaten me for harrassment with no reason?

Starblaze Wed 15-Apr-20 20:28:44

It doesn't matter who you are, anyone contacting anyone against their wishes is harassment I'm afraid.

phoenix Wed 15-Apr-20 20:29:12

Sorry to hear this Sunnyhaze, but surely there is more to it than what you have posted?

notanan2 Wed 15-Apr-20 20:32:13

If they made it clear they didnt want to hear from you and you continued to contact them thats pretty clear cut harassment.

Can the police warn me etc without giving me the reason why my daughter doesn't want to see me or want me in their life?
Of course they can. You have no right to any explaination other than the fact that you had prior knowledge that they didnt want you contacting them, and you still kept contacting them.

EllanVannin Wed 15-Apr-20 20:36:35

There's no smoke without fire ?
No sibling will cut off contact for no specific reason and after 3 years if you've been trying to contact her then she's within her rights to report the matter. Like I said, there must be a reason.

Sunnyhaze Wed 15-Apr-20 20:43:38

I assure you there is absolutely no reason on my part

Bibbity Wed 15-Apr-20 20:44:22

Being complete factual and unemotional.

Yes they can. They have made it perfectly clear that they do not want contact from you.
They do not owe you an apology. They are not accountable to you.
The police are now aware of the issue and if you break the warning they can escalate matters through legal channels which will not bode well for you.

The police will not get involved in this dispute. They can not order independent adults to communicate with people who they don’t want to.

I am sorry you’re suffering. The only thing you can do is seek counselling to try and come to terms with what you have no control over.

phoenix Wed 15-Apr-20 20:57:28

Sorry, there must be more to this.

Lolo81 Wed 15-Apr-20 21:31:57

@Sunnyhaze, how often have you been texting and emailing? As others have advised you - yes this is harassment. I think you may need to re-examine the months/days leading up to the no contact decision if you are to try and come to terms with this estrangement. That might help you identify what happened. Even if you manage to figure out what went wrong, it has been made clear that your contact is not welcomed and I believe that to continue to try and intrude on their lives like this will only make things worse. I’m sorry you’re going through this terrible time and would encourage you to try and find ways to healthily express your sadness flowers

Starblaze Wed 15-Apr-20 21:51:52

What led up to the estrangement? Were there any arguments or complaints? Any times when you were unsupportive or needed too much time and attention? Often reasons are told before hand but one party has dismissed them.

Coolgran65 Wed 15-Apr-20 22:39:16

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
You say there is absolutely no reason on your part.
Thing is..... If they believe there is a reason that's all it takes.
It's the not knowing that is distressing. You probably feel if you knew then you could work to put it right.
I agree with Bibbity that you should seek counselling to cope with the situation as it is
There may be more to it, there must be, whether you know it not. But you can't do anything.
Consider counselling.

Hithere Wed 15-Apr-20 23:14:04

Unwanted contact is unwanted contact.

There is no dna exception to the rule

agnurse Wed 15-Apr-20 23:16:43

Any repeated, unwanted contact is harassment. It doesn't matter whether you are related to the person or not.

You are not owed an explanation. You've persisted in engaging in behaviour that is contrary to their expressed request.

You need to leave them alone. Even if there was no reason for the estrangement, your subsequent behaviour has likely entrenched them in not wanting contact. You disrespected their boundaries by asking for contact when it was clear they didn't want any.

Smileless2012 Wed 15-Apr-20 23:21:36

Coolgran is right I'm afraid Sunnyhaze "If they believe there is a reason that's all it takes".

Even if you knew the reason if your D doesn't want you in her life and wants to keep your grand children from you, there's nothing you can do.

It's incredibly painful I know. When they're old enough to decide for themselves your grand children may look for you, either because they remember the grand mother they no longer have or out of curiosity about the grand mother they never knew.

You can buy cards for their birthdays and at Christmas and put them in a 'memory' box so one day they'll know that you were always thinking of them.

It's worth thinking about counselling to help you accept what's happened and hopefully move on with your life without them and your daughter.

Estrangement can feel like the end of everything but it doesn't have to be.

I'm so sorry for your painflowers.

Summerlove Wed 15-Apr-20 23:24:36

For whatever reason, your daughter has decided to cut contact. I’m sure that’s incredibly painful.

However, Can the police threaten me for harrassment with no reason? there is a reason. You’ve been attempting, for what sounds like three years, to contact someone who stated they want no contact. That is harassment.

The police will not tell you why your daughter cut off contact. You might never get the answer you are looking for. You do however need to stop contacting her

Coolgran65 Wed 15-Apr-20 23:38:47

The police possibly don't even know why they cut off conta ct. They only need to know that the contact is unwanted.

MissAdventure Thu 16-Apr-20 00:18:20

My friend had a visit from the police to tell her she must not try to contact her son and his partner again, or she would be arrested.

welbeck Thu 16-Apr-20 00:35:47

your questions about the police action suggest that you may have a habit of not accepting or understanding facts presented to you.
there was a reason for the police action, yet you question how they can act without there being a reason. it's obvious to the reader, but seems not to be to you.
taking that as an example, perhaps there is more of a back story than you can admit to yourself.
it is highly unlikely that they have cut you off for no reason at all. but sadly, that is academic now. as they have explicitly forbidden any contact, at risk of being arrested, there is nothing you could do to rescue the situation anyway, even if you did recognise what went wrong.
you must keep away from them. find other interests. maybe seek counselling. read up on internet during lockdown. good luck.

Hithere Thu 16-Apr-20 03:00:28


With the very limited information we have, you have shown you are unable to respect her request and cannot take a no for an answer

I bet your dd has experienced that 'I domt care what you say, i will do what I want" attitude from way before she cut you off - unable to respect her opinion.

Hithere Thu 16-Apr-20 03:43:42

I swear I proofread and corrected the typos...

3nanny6 Thu 16-Apr-20 11:30:35

Sunnyhaze : sometimes there does not seem to be a logical
reason why a son/daughter decides we as parents are no longer wanted in their lives.

They have taken steps to involve the police so it seems they are clearly telling you that No Contact is what they want. A sad state of affairs with family members but I would leave them alone. Many of us have experienced the pain in that you are not alone.

M0nica Thu 16-Apr-20 16:51:25

There are many circumstances in life where we are faced with the choice between what we want and what is in our best interests. Or, as that beautiful prayer says more poetically

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Your daughter has made a decision. Whatever the ins and outs, you have been presented with it and must accept that it is one of those things that you cannot change. There is only one solution. You must find a way of coping with it and building a new life without your daughter and grandchild. I do understand that you feel devastated and do not want to do that. But you have no choice. So seek some help through councelling or whatever help you need and adjust.

Madgran77 Thu 16-Apr-20 18:15:29

Sunnyhaze You have been given pretty consistent advice and I hope that it helps you to move forward. Do think about counselling to help you . flowers

Joyfulnanna Thu 16-Apr-20 18:53:49

Estrangement is the cruelest tool used against others. It's heartbreaking, like grieving from a death. It plays on your mind and makes you feel like shit. I feel badly for the OP. Yes you could seek counselling but only when you're ready. Better to speak to a trusted friend who will help you build your self esteem. It hits hard in the guts at first but over time, you must find acceptance. I hope you do. Be kind to yourself, and know you're not alone in this horrible situation. God bless.

Starblaze Thu 16-Apr-20 19:37:46

Estrangement is not by definition cruel. Sometimes it is to protect yourself. It's only a tool in the hands of an abusive person and they generally want you back eventually.