SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

Hello Smiless, and 3nanny6, and PetitFromage.
PetitFromage i wish your husband all the best with the chemo, you sound so strong and content, maybe i need to try therapy, i'm sure you will build up a great bond with your grandchildren, you said your grandaughter looks like you, we have a similar thing in that my grandson looks very much like my husband, and my poor husband has only seen him once so like you the bond is not there, maybe for the best as he's now got a few extra health problems, doctors said it's because his immune system is very low.
My husband told me on the day i got back from seeing dd and gds last week, that at our daughter's wedding our sil's mother had told him that she was over the moon as at last she had the daughter she had always wanted as she only had sons, he didn't think so much of it at the time but with the situation now it has hit me hard

Oh dear muffin, it sounds like you're on the wrong end of some controlling behaviour there. But the real control probably lies with the SIL. I think while you have some contact with your DD there is hope things will turn around, but it is awful that you are having to jump through hoops that are making it so difficult when you have so much on your plate.

Sorry you're not well 3nanny - try to look after you. I hope if you do feel up to seeing your GC, albeit under strained and strange circumstances, that it goes well for you all.

PF I'm sorry your hubby is suffering, and you on his behalf. I think you are doing amazingly well in holding everything together and finding the path forward with your DD and GC. Goodness being told that you are privileged to be allowed a relationship with your GC makes me bristle a little on your behalf. I mean we are all blessed if we are lucky enough to have loved ones in our lives and should be grateful, but that sounds more like beholden. But the way you have turned that around to seeing it in your own terms is just marvellous.

At the root of all our estrangement I'm guessing the main feeling is fear.

Fear that we'll not see our beloved grandchildren again. We're being ruled by fear by manipulative personalities.

After another night of very little sleep I'm done in today. I'm totally sick of the whole situation. I want to write to all concerned and put our side of the story to them but I'm not going to do that as I know it would backfire as our estrangement family members are still minors. We need to keep going.

Wishing you all as good and peacful day as possible.

Morning everyone.

Your poor DH PFI remember my mum going through chemo and the more it builds up in the system the worse the effects. He's doing very well isn't he as are you. Sending love and hugs to you both.

"We're being ruled by fear by manipulative personalities" we certainly are Granniesunite. Fear of never seeing our AC again; fear of never seeing GC again or for the first time; fear that if they contact us and we let them back in, they'll do it again.

You must be feeling exhausted with so little sleep; I'm so sorry that you're having such a tough time.

You could write to all concerned and of course not send the letters. It may help you to get some of your pain, anger and frustration out of your system.

I do hope you manage to get some sleep today.

Thanks Smileless! X

How's everyone doing?

We had great fun yesterday trying out our inflatable drive away awning for Charlie 2, who we hope to be getting next week.

Couldn't inflate it at home as we have a roof terrace as opposed to a garden, so brought it with us to our lodge; good idea wasn't it, mine of course.

It's great. Really easy to inflate and impressively roomy, stable and secure. There waswe we put it up and just as we'd finished it rained. When the rain stopped, Mr. S. wiped it down so we wouldn't pack it away wet and just as he finished ......... it rained again.

Managed to get it dried off and packed away before the next shower. The hardest part was getting it back into the bag. Not sure how we managed it, but we did.

Sounds good fun and added space is always welcome. I’m thinking these types of holidays -own van,tents,etc will become more normal as people need away from homes that have become prisons due to lockdown.
Enjoy smileless hope when you do get Charlie 2 you and Mr S have a lovely time away.

Looking forward to hearing all about your fun with Charlie 2 smiles

I agree granniesuite I really see the appeal - wish we had somewhere to park a campervan I'd be very tempted.

Camper van ...certainly sounds ideal at the moment!

Hi all. I posted on the Estrangement forum a couple of months ago looking for support regarding estrangement from DD and D GD and.. Smileless recommended this forum. So here I am.

I was in a bad way regarding it all when I first posted and so sensitive that when I read a reply stating there is a reason for the estrangement I took it to heart and couldn't face reading any more. Hence the 2 month break.

For some reason I am feeling slightly improved, probably sick and tired of crying every day. Nothing has changed, only me a bit.

Why do my DS and DH think it is better not to talk about DD estrangement. Perhaps if my DD had at least talked to me I could understand more and stop the incessant questioning about why this has happened and the constantly blaming myself.

Hi Marg glad you've decided to post here in the support thread.

Taking to heart a post saying "there is a reason for the estrangement" isn't because you were particularly sensitive, it's an all too often insensitive response which more often than not comes from someone with no experience of being estranged.

It could be 'a man thing', your DS and DH thinking it better not talk about your estrangement. It's not an uncommon response; I'm lucky that Mr. S. and I have always been able and prepared to talk about our ES. More than 7.5 years after first becoming estranged, those conversations are far more infrequent, but do happen.

IMO it's important that even if you don't really want to talk about it but your partner does, that you allow them to do so.

It maybe that your DS feels in the middle of this situation so prefers not to talk about it. It's very hard for the estranging AC's siblings. They are watching their family torn apart and are powerless just as we are, to do anything about it.

"Perhaps if my DD had at least talked to me I could understand more and stop the incessant questioning about why this has happened and the constantly blaming myself".
You speak for us all Marg and I hope that with time you'll stop blaming yourself.

We are not responsible for our AC and/or the choices they make and we're certainly not responsible for the fact that they refuse to communicate and in so doing, make it impossible for us to understand their actions or find a way to sort things out.

Mr. S. has been watching videos to learn how everything in Charlie2 works; we're getting him on Monday. It's been years since we had a caravan and it all looks a bit complicated so we'll have to have a 'play' before we go off on our travels.

Must say, I'm finding it all rather exciting.

Welcome back Marg63; you are among friends! I know that you will find a lot of support on this thread and I wish you all the best. Estrangement is a uniquely painful experience and we all deal with it in different ways.

Here's to Charlie2 !

Welcome back Marg
"Perhaps if my DD had at least talked to me I could understand more and stop the incessant questioning about why this has happened and the constantly blaming myself" - oh yes that's the worst thing, the why's and what ifs and the constant being yourself up.
I used to want to talk about it incessently, I think as a way of trying to process it. Now I try to avoid it, it's just pain that I can't do anything about so I prefer distracting myself from it. I don't know that there's a right or wrong way. You can talk to us.

"we're certainly not responsible for the fact that they refuse to communicate and in so doing, make it impossible for us to understand their actions or find a way to sort things out." - quite smiles. I understand there are people on here who say they tried and tried to communicate to their parents what the problem was but couldn't get them to listen. But then there are others of us for whom it came out of the blue and we would love the chance to understand and fix things.
Have fun with Charlie 2 -glad he's bringing you so much fun. vehicle ?

Hi Marg. Welcome to this lovely support thread. Totally understand your feelings. Estrangement is such a painful experience I think for all involved in it. You'll get sensible and encouraging advice here from posters that will help you through the bad days and ways in which to help you carry on with your own life.

It's an epidemic and for some reason it seems to be getting worse. Instead of sitting down and talking through problems the norm now is to shun and walk away.

Ps. Yes smileless Charlie 2 sounds exciting. I'd love a chance St something like that. If my husband was able we'd be doing something just like that.

Do any of you ladies remember a few years ago when we were in Florida, I posted how thrilled Mr. S. was when he was told twice, in as many days that he looked like Sylvester Stallone?

Well, we arrived back from our lodge today and he's just been downstairs giving himself a hair cut; so far so good. He took the guard off the clippers to trim his beard and tash; so far so good.

I couldn't understand why I could hear him chuckling until he came up stairs. He forgot to put the guard back on before cutting his hair.

So, according to Mr. S. he no longer resembles Sly but is now a Bruce Willis double!!! Yeah right

Good morning everybody.

Your DH sounds very handsome Smileless. How did he manage to cut the back of his hair? Despite being on his 8th chemo cycle, my DH is much hairier than before, due to shielding and not visiting a barber. He bought a clipper set, but nobody has dared to try it yet, although we were planning to practise on our Westie!

I am pleased to say that there has been another step forward in the reconciliation process. DD1 has suggested visiting with SIL and the DGDs on DH's birthday next month and has asked if they can stay overnight. So she will see her sisters again (she hasn't seen DD2 for 4 years) and they will meet their nieces for the first time. It will be an emotional couple of days, but hopefully will lay the foundations for healing to continue and it will mean a lot to DH.

So I want to say that you should never give up hope, that situations change and that people change. I was utterly devastated by our estrangement but, looking back, if I could give myself advice, it would be to hang on to love, patience and a belief that things will get better, but that it may take time.

Lovely news Petitfromage x
and smileless made me laugh out loud with her DHs antics with the hair clippers!

Kind thoughts to all you estranged Grans- as PF says, never give up hope x

This lockdown has encouraged lots of new skills smileless. Your husband must be pleased with himself. Lovely complements.

Yes *petit fromge I'll hold onto those thoughts. Love, patience and as Pantgas says hope but how do you switch off at bed time and get a decent sleep.?

I really need a sleep but worry about all the family members caught up in this madness is in my head all day and all night. I need to learn how to stop worrying and look after myself and my husband.

You may recall that we clipped our dogs during the lock down PF. Thank goodness he didn't forget the clipper guard that time!!

Poor Mr. S., as soon as I started typing yesterday he knew I was sharing the news about his hair cut, but he doesn't mind if his antics give you a laugh. We were laughing about it on and off until we went to bed and for now I'm calling him Bruce. Just hoping he doesn't decide to go around in a vest.

That really is wonderful news PF, you and your DH must be thrilled and it gives him something to really look forward too. How do your other D's feel about the visit? Four years is a long time; keeping everything crossed that it goes well for all of you.

It's so hard to switch off at bed time Granniesunite and I'm sorry that you are still finding it difficult to sleep. There's a good selection of over the counter natural tablets to help. TBH they've never worked for me but I know friends have benefited so it may be worth having a go.

Oooh Charlie 2 has arrived and I can't wait to go away; wont be for a couple of weeks though. Mr. S. aka Brucy baby has expertly reversed into a parking bay, dead straight; how does he do that?????

Exciting Smileless! Got a photo of Charlie to share?

I'll get Mr. S. to post one for me Madgran

Say hello to Charlie 2.

Oh wow!! Looks fabulous. Where are you going for your first trip away?