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Same old formula.

(28 Posts)
Starblaze Sun 03-May-20 00:41:32

New letter, same old formula.

Any decent scientist will tell you there is absolutely no point in conducting the exact same experiment and expecting different results.

She is hurt, she wants me back. I am cruel. The whole family is on her side. Its all my fault. She can't believe I would ever be such a nasty horrible person. I'm a terrible mother for depriving my children of her.

Same formula. Same result. Continued estrangement.

Also to be fair, I haven't told the family my side of the story. 3 reasons. 1. I am not a destroyer of relationships and don't fancy destroying my mum's. 2. Mum alienated me from them over the years and she estranged me from them for most of my childhood so I didn't really build relationships with them after I had my own busy life as an adult and we lived distance away. 3. It might hurt them to know some of it, especially what she has said about them and I wouldn't want them to think I could say those things if they didn't believe she did.

Oh well.

Anyway, the point of this is that in order to have relationships with people and the chemistry to work, we have to change the formula, or change ourselves.

She is still the same. All the things I can't tolerate about our relationship are still in place.

She proves it every time she sends me a letter.

I have changed and for the better, but she won't ever know that about me unless she does. Because I've changed before and many times and I know having a relationship with her as she is would just be the same explosive result.

Hetty58 Sun 03-May-20 00:47:33

So forget all about her and get on with your own life. I didn't even grieve when my Mum died - as I'd never had a good relationship with her.

Some people will always believe that it's another person's fault.

Starblaze Sun 03-May-20 00:55:15

Hetty58 I know I should, just still haven't gotten over that last shred of hope that clings on. It's very annoying. Logically it can't ever happen without her blowing her own life up exposing her own lies to cover her bad behaviour.

My silly heart is still a bit broken

maddyone Sun 03-May-20 01:08:53

Starblaze I understand what you’re saying. My sister has mental health issues. I’ve tried over and over because she’s my only sibling, and I love her despite the problems, but every time I reach out, putting everything she’s done before behind me, every time she starts sending me vile messages again. She can only be pleasant for a short time. So this time I’ve decided to let it go. It hurts, but let it go I must.
I know what you mean. Your heart is broken because you still love her, but you cannot live with her as she is. She needs to change, and she won’t. Like my sister. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how difficult it is. flowers

Smileless2012 Sun 03-May-20 10:16:55

Return any letters she sends unopened. You save yourself from the hurt their content brings and make her aware that they are not being read.

Who knows, she may stop sending them in the end.

As Hetty has said "forget all about her and get on with your life".

Starblaze Sun 03-May-20 10:22:33

I don't actually know her address. I have her blocked on every online platform and so do my children by their own choice.

A good friend says her letters seem calculated to drive me further away rather than want me back but just enough "niceness" in there to appear innocent. I don't know if that is mum's intention but it felt that way my whole life. Drive me off because I wasn't good enough.

I wish I could move but our lives are very tied up here.

Smileless2012 Sun 03-May-20 10:58:34

It's a shame you can't return them unopened but I'd stop reading them if I were you.

Starblaze Sun 03-May-20 11:12:10

Yes, I need to. The chances of anything being different than before are too small.

Just wish she could see me for me, she has spent so long creating this version of me that justifies the way she treated me.

What she is saying works both ways. Yes we are in the middle of a pandemic and face the reality of people becoming ill and possibly losing their lives. I am not immune to it either.

Estrangement isn't this cruel trump card that makes everything that came before it pale in comparison.

Estrangement was my only way of protecting mine and my little families mental health. It also protects her because hurting us only damages her whether she is aware of it or not.

Starblaze Mon 04-May-20 14:18:40

She must have considered me not opening it Smileless I now have a postcard too hmm

rosecarmel Mon 04-May-20 15:16:23

People commonly want others to "get over" because to "get through" takes too much effort-

Hetty58 Mon 04-May-20 15:25:52

Starblaze, I've been convinced (for most of my life) that it must somehow be my fault. I've felt guilty and lacking in some way. Why did my own mother not love me (or my brother and sister)?

She did tell me (often) that she'd never wanted children and only had them for my father.

Our family life seemed 'normal' of course, until I was old enough to stay and holiday with friends. I was so impressed by their friendly and affectionate mothers - a revelation!

Luckily, we were blessed with a very good father.

I repeat, forget her!

Starblaze Mon 04-May-20 15:30:25

Guilt trips are too easy on me, she can't believe I haven't thought of her in this time... We are estranged! I'm not somehow worse of a human for not reaching out now. We don't have a relationship. I won't reach out if I'm dying (not that she is oncerned for me).

I know I know. No head space for her. I'll go get a nice bath with a book lol x

Starblaze Mon 04-May-20 15:32:06

There's too many of us Hetty, it's just so sad. Mothers Instinct just isn't built in for some.

Hetty58 Mon 04-May-20 15:35:25

'Drive me off because I wasn't good enough.' - that struck a chord. You are quite good enough, you know, it's your mother who has the problem, not you.

I'm afraid that small children seem to automatically love their mothers. Even a lifetime of hateful criticism doesn't entirely destroy it.

I loved my mother very much and just thought of her as ill, so yes, the heart breaks, bit by bit. It was already well broken when we lost her, therefore, all I felt was relief.

notanan2 Mon 04-May-20 15:38:47

Ahh the letters. Theres a "sting in the tail" with the ones I get:

They invariably arrive on ir around a significant date: mine and DHs anniversary, valentines day, anniversaries of significant bereavements.

Its gasslighting. If I was to ever confront this I would be told I was paranoid and imagining this but it happens EVERY TIME.

Also theyre Meghan Markle letters:
Written for an audience that isnt the recipient. For whoever theyre read out to before theyre sent to paint them as the victim or reasonable one. They are works of fiction that IMO are never intended to truely reconcile

They have more or less stopped now thanks to "return to sender"

notanan2 Mon 04-May-20 15:40:21

Guilt trips are too easy on me, she can't believe I haven't thought of her in this time...

Its cruel to write to someone who finds you upsetting during lockdown. Its pouring salt in a wound at a difficult time

notanan2 Mon 04-May-20 15:43:57

Im just being used when these letters come.

I know that the desired effect is a pitty party from the other people around them.

They are not private letters. Its all part of painting me in a bad light to anyone who will listen.

I dont understand this? How in one breath can you say you "love" someone and in the next seek to ensure that nobody thinks highly of them?

grandMattie Mon 04-May-20 15:46:13

Oh, how I feel for you! The thing is that, once she realises that she can upset you, she will turn the knife at every opportunity. Very manipulative.
In Her latter years, my mother was the same aa were both my sisters. Since she died , one of my sisters thinks she wants to build bridges but 50 years of bullying, ridicule and gaslighting is not going to change.
The sad thing is that every time I get a card or present from that sister (why? Doesn’t she get it?) it throws me and gives me palpitations and anxiety again for several weeks...

AGAA4 Mon 04-May-20 15:53:41

Starblaze. Some people, even our mothers, are bad for us. You have put up with enough from her and hard as it to do you need her out of your life.

If you can't return the letters, bin them unopened.
Don't engage with her in any way.

You will find it difficult at first, as I did, but persevere and things will get better for you. flowers

notanan2 Mon 04-May-20 16:00:02

AGA for me binning unread doesnt help. Seeing the handwriting coming through my letterbox shatters my peace. Whether I read it or not the damage is done.

I wish they didnt have the power to do that to me but they do.

Starblaze Mon 04-May-20 16:47:00

Thank you all.

I totally understand notanan she is a little old lady and I am still frightened of her. For the first 2 years of estrangement I switched cars with husband so she would never think me home alone. She has people spying on me, she has fake accounts on social media etc. It's a nightmare.

notanan2 Mon 04-May-20 17:16:03

Starblaze I naively thought that old age would maybe not mellow but at least take the wind out of their sails.

I can never understand the energy it takes to maintain these campaigns.

But sadly no it seems to have ramped up. Now they reach out to people THEY barely know who know me to recruit against me. Its got scarier rather than tailing off.

I just dont get it? Is it not exhsusting? Where do they get the energy to keep it up? They claim to be frail and old when it suits their narrative about how uncaring I am yet they have all this energy for smear campaigns, spying and slyness.

notanan2 Mon 04-May-20 17:36:22

As you say, same old formula! It never seems to ease up!

And as I do not have the will or energy to go on a counter smear attack I just have to put up it but its exhausting. I wish they would run out of steam.

Smileless2012 Tue 05-May-20 10:54:19

she has fake accounts on social media I know someone who does that, pops up with a new 'name' for a very short space of time and then disappears again, only to pop up again with yet another new 'name'.

I do find it mildly amusing as they really seem to think I don't it's them and it's best to look at it that way if you can, so the fact they're even doing it, never mind what they 'say' doesn't upset you.

Starblaze Tue 05-May-20 11:04:05

People are very odd sometimes. It's surprising how many people stalk people on social media. I ended up deleting most of mine and just have Facebook now. Wasn't really interested in Instagram or twitter anyway.