Is 'No Contact' abuse?

hugshelp that means a lot to me. It really does. It's not always true, I say exactly what I think (at the time) which isn't always positive and Im lucky I have small feet.

I think you are a very strong lady.

I need to go hug a kitten, Laters

None of get it right all the time starbalze. We all react according to our emotions on occasions.
And we all make blanket statements occasioanally.
Hugging kittens sounds a very good way to heal.

Namsnanny

same old same old summerlove

What does that even mean?

same old same old summerlove
What does that even mean?

Cambridge English dictionary definition
Informal. used to say that a situation or someone's behaviour remains the same, especially when it is boring or annoying: Most people just keep on doing the same old same old every day

Hth

Well the chewbacca you are true to form then, aren’t you.

Eh? You asked what "same old, same old" meant and I was kind enough to research it for you and report back what the Cambridge English dictionary quoted!

If anyone has form, I'd say it was you summerlove!

Not Wookiepedia then

Form for calling out hypocrisy? Always happy to oblige.

good one *Stablaze"!

Apologies, misspelled Starblaze.

"Not Wookiepedia then " -- Best pun in forever....

I will keep "wookiepedia" in mind; good pun indeed!

I can assure you that deciding to go nc is not taken lightly and is only enforced when all other avenues are exhausted. It is possibly the most painful decision a person can make. Being on a site that is regarding abuse, the stories are horrific. I don't think there is a single person that has questioned their upbringing and found the site is simply a child that is obstinate and believes their parent is abusive, when they are not. Two common myths are that all mothers are nurturing, loving and attentive toward their children. The other is that grandparents automatically have a right to their grandchildren. I read with disdain a post regarding no contact and narcissism. The poster was aggressive, clearly had an authoritarian view of their adult children, dismissed child abuse, mocked and laughed regarding nc and abuse. This is precisely the attitude that is old school and harmful. When your children grow up they are beings that deserve respect and acknowledgement of autonomy and yes, your child also has the right to go nc and prohibit you from having a relationship with their children. Do you think that because you birthed them you have control over them. I'm afraid not.

Well I can only speak for myself Dunnies, welcome by the way you must be a new poster, that because I gave birth to my children I don't think I have control over them.

I don't know if you've actually read this thread in it's entirety but it is perfectly clear that no GP's have posted here claiming they have a right to see their GC. On the contrary, it has been posted on numerous occasions that children have the right to know their extended family which of course includes their GP's.

So I disagree with your second common myth and regarding the first, I agree that "not all mothers are nurturing, loving and attentive toward their children". I will put to you another myth; that all EP's and EGP's are bad people, who have abused their own children and that is why they shouldn't be allowed any where near their GC.

"I read with disdain a post regarding no contact and narcissism" did you read that here on GN? If so perhaps you could state exactly where and when to substantiate the claim that the poster "mocked and laughed regarding nc and abuse".

I have to say I'm rather surprised at the overall aggressive tone of your post it being your first, well under your user name of Dunnies or perhaps you've posted here before under another name. I know sometimes GN members are allowed to change their user name under certain circumstances.

I can assure you that deciding to go nc is not taken lightly and is only enforced when all other avenues are exhausted. It is possibly the most painful decision a person can make.

I can so identify with this Dunnies; it certainly wasnt an easy, or light decision for me to take and it took me quite a while to come to terms with my decision. Afterall, we're raised to love and respect our parents aren't we; and I felt guilty for taking the decision that mine were doing me more harm than good; more negative than positive. However I disagree with you on the other points that you raised in your first ever post on GN:

Two common myths are that all mothers are nurturing, loving and attentive toward their children.

I've never heard anyone, anywhere claim that to be true. Any one who reads a newspaper, watches the news or is just aware of what's going on in the world knows that there are far too many cruel, negligent and uncaring parents. However, even as the AC of a cold and negligent parent, I know that they are in the minority and that the vast majority of parents are kind, good and loving. So whilst our own experiences with our parents may be tarnished and fractured, I think it's important to realise that we were just the unlucky ones; I'm mature enough to know that there are far more good ones than bad. As with anything else in life.

When your children grow up they are beings that deserve respect and acknowledgement of autonomy and yes, your child also has the right to go nc and prohibit you from having a relationship with their children

Firstly, respect, from everyone and to everyone, is earned and not demanded. If you want my respect, you have to have deserved it and this is exactly as it is for my family. I'm very lucky that I have a lovely relationship with my DS, DDIL and GD and although we're free, easy and relaxed with each other, we respect each other's privacy and boundaries. Respect is not a one way street. If you want respect; show respect. I'm happy to care for my GC from time to time but I won't be taken advantage of; something that I know is an increasingly frequent occurrence where AC use and abuse grandparents as cheap or free labour. So again, it's important not to judge everyone on our own specific experiences because there are millions of others at the opposite end of the spectrum. And a million more somewhere in between.

Do you think that because you birthed them you have control over them. I'm afraid not.

Hmmm, not sure what to say about this statement to be honest! It comes across as a childish outburst rather than a rational statement! So I'll, leave that with you.

Welcome Dunnies; it will be nice to have another EAC to chat to.

No, not to my opinion, there is not abuse in "no contact" to gp. There may well be mental abuse if ac must contact their parents.

IMO there's mental abuse of GP's and their GC if there was an already established and loving relationship that this is then taken away.

AC can have minimum of contact with their parents and still facilitate their children's relationship ongoing relationship with their GP's. I know of a case where this happened.

Hi Dunny...gosh another new poster on the Estrangement threads within a couple of days. So good to have different views and so helpful I am sure for people needing support or to share their experiences with others. Welcome!

I am sure that going NC cannot be an easy decision nor taken lightly, as you say Dunnie

I think there is far too much evidence of mothers who are not nurturing etc in the news and perhaps in some people's lives, for it to be the case that that myth that you describe is believed by majority!

Chewbacca how wise to be able to see that not all parents are like your mother and that others experiences might be different

Dunnie Do you think that because you birthed them you have control over them? I'm afraid not

I am not sure who you are talking to with that question. From my perspective, as I said earlier on another thread, good parents give their children wings to fly and then do not clip those wings or try to bend them to fly in a particular direction! Were you able to fly or were wings clipped? No worries if you prefer not to say

Madgran said, "I am not sure who you are talking to with that question. From my perspective, as I said earlier on another thread, good parents give their children wings to fly and then do not clip those wings or try to bend them to fly in a particular direction! Were you able to fly or were wings clipped? No worries if you prefer not to say"

I'm not sure about Dunnies, but the answer from Me on that is, I thought I was 'flying', but what I saw as 'flight' was an illusion... I realized that when I hit the ground.

The fact that I am "up and flying" NOW is not a reflection on my 'mom' or her 'parenting'... Although she would disagree.

No Contact gave me the room to grow and spread my wings... The ones I earned and grew myself and then also learned to USE...

No Contact is not abuse... however:

The act of going No Contact (especially within the context of removing yourself from dysfunctional narcissistic family systems), is perfect because it offers fodder for their campaign. It is seized as ‘solid evidence’ that you are one sick puppy, truly narcissistic!

Their “logic” goes like this: The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse used by narcissists. No Contact is silent. Ergo, you are an abusive narcissist. And of course, they are the poor, long suffering victim.

narcwise.com/2018/05/13/no-contact-vs-silent-treatment-ghosting/

I'm not sure about Dunnies, but the answer from Me on that is, I thought I was 'flying', but what I saw as 'flight' was an illusion... I realized that when I hit the ground.

The fact that I am "up and flying" NOW is not a reflection on my 'mom' or her 'parenting'... Although she would disagree.

No Contact gave me the room to grow and spread my wings... The ones I earned and grew myself and then also learned to USE...

I can understand that that is the case for you Holy Hannah and how great that you learnt to fly for yourself. It sounds like your wings were vlipped before they really had a chance to grow as a child, from your perpective

Other parents aim to give their children wings from Day One and then let them fly. I expect you are doing that as a parent yourself.

You do it without realising you are, if you know what I mean Madgran. Every milestone in their lives sees their wings growing stronger, beginning with the first day at nursery school and so it goes on.

You can only hope that what ever flight path they take, it's one that leads to a happy life.

It all depends on why it’s been initiated. There are some people who may use that as a means to dominate and punish a person for not cow-towing.

On the other hand, there’s some who initiate it because it’s necessary.

In my case, I initiated no contact with my family and sincerely have no intention of going back. I come from a very very abusive background and had to initiate it. By abuse I mean physical, mental, and verbal abuses. For example, my mothers husband got delight out of beating me if I had an accident. I had a bladder issue for when I was a child. Twitching or not making it to the restroom in time meant getting punched in the face or slapped and him laughing and teasing me after doing it. This man even threw me down a flight of stairs when I was about 12 because he was angry at me for looking at him the wrong way.

Most of the people in my family lines have narcissistic tendencies, believe that bad is good and good is bad, one is a known family pedophile and another is suspected of such, and so forth. It was when I came to the realization that things would always be what they were that I accepted reality and cut them off indefinitely.

I want to start my own family and start fresh and make a new legacy. And yes, they will not meet my children because I don’t want my children around them, especially the pedophiles. If that makes me “abusive” then so be it. Victims of child abuse have a right to peace and a new chance at life without the abusers being part of it.

Sagacious I hope that you will start afresh with your own family and make a new legacy.

Of course "victims of child abuse have a right to peace and a new chance at life without the abusers being apart of it" as do the parents of abusive adult children.

I can't imagine anyone here on GN accusing you of being abusive because you've done the right thing by estranging your abusive family,

I wasn't able to read all of this as upsetting. I think that no contact can't be abusive as if you think about it we all do it. We all meet people that we don't want to have in our lives and we don't even realise we are doing it. Or we don't want a relationship and tell them to leave us alone. It's not even fast all the time and sudden, sometimes we just talk to people less and less and don't make the effort to see them.
So it can't be abusive really if everyone does it.
People can be abusive and ignore people on purpose to hurt them though and I know that by how it feels. My mum ga eme the silent treatment and I didn't agree that I deserved that but I don't know for sure as I wasn't always nice with my mum because she brought out the worst in me.

"People can be abusive and ignore people on purpose to hurt them and I know that by how it feels" Indeed Armadillo you have sadly experienced that because of your mum and sadly some of us experience it because of our AC.

I think the key here is our personal experience. This is quite an old thread and there are posts that disagree that estrangement is abusive and those who say that it is.

It is not abusive to estrange parents who abuse you and without re reading the entire thread I'm certain that no one suggested otherwise.

Emotional abuse is what non abusive parents who have been estranged by their adult child experience. It is just as real and painful.