Is 'No Contact' abuse?

I am referring to not seeing evidence of where a poster's personal feeling toward another are affecting the way they post VS. Which is what Pantlgas was also referring too and presumably you know that hence your response @ 17.57.

What on earth did you think I mean?

Pantglas2

And do you think you can VioletSky?

Ah, I can see I have misread because there is confusing context and you both mean that you haven't seen any evidence of people being personal on this thread.

In that case, I simply disagree

I agree that there are personal comments here VS but I haven't attributed them to posters having personal feelings about other posters, which is what you posted earlier.

Read page 35 again, that's not discussion

I agree the posts telling me that any true victims of abuse wouldn't agree with me and that I was minimising and weaponizing the term abuse were very unpleasant, considering that I'm an abuse survivor, and did nothing to further the discussion.

Smileless

I truly think that if you were able to take a step back and see that all my responses are to protect abuse victims from harm, help people frame their own situations in order to heal or frame their situations in order to reconcile...

You would see how your responses to me and the constant quoting and tagging actually look

Even after I tell you, I would quite happily leave the discussion were I able to have my own comments left to stand as they are, for the reasons I made them, not the way you choose to receive them, you still continue

These are my opinions:

There is a lot of right fighting about this “core question” that HolyHannah posted. I’m not really sure why the back and forth is still going on.

No one is going to change anyone else’s mind on what does and/or doesn’t constitute abuse…at least not from what I’ve read here.

And most people who are abusive will not see themselves that way. There’s no convincing them.

Debs I agree just hope when it reaches 1,000 this thread dies . But then again someone will start another thread with a different title but about the same thing and the whole thing will start again .

Responding to what others post is how a discussion works VS.

If you don't want to be responded too and have what you posted quoted, then don't participate. You do exactly the same which is to be expected.

You appear to be suggesting that it's somehow my fault that you continue to participate on this thread, which is quite frankly ridiculous, as is the suggestion that anything you say should be left unchallenged.

There are numerous discussions where the participants have strongly held views which they wont change Debs, but GN would be a very quiet and IMO boring forum if they were never entered into.

I didn't say it should be "unchallenged" I said it should be read as written for the actual reasons I wrote it

This response shouldn't be needed either for that reason

Your posts are read as written VS, and when I disagree I say so.

A discussion is the action or process of talking about something in order to reach a decision or exchange ideas.

That's not my experience

Smileless2012

Stop dismissing the experiences of others VS. No one is dismissing yours so I don't understand why you feel the need to do this to others.

Here is an example

In no way do I do this, I'm just being honest about what something is or is not

So again, my comments aren't being read as written

As I said previously, if I fall and break my leg, then say I experienced it as being hit by a car, that is not what happened. The actual experience is that I fell, the leg is broken and painful and that is what I need to address in recovery... Why I fell, healing the leg...

At the end of a relationship, leaving the relationship is not abusing someone just because they say that is their experience... Otherwise anyone can say it, they may even mean it, and that puts people who are being abused in danger you haven't acknowledged this

Unless you estrange someone by saying "I am not speaking to you until you give me what I want, Ie, financial support or some sort of service, it is not abuse

Saying I am not happy in this relationship and leaving it is not abuse.

I acknowledge every time that estrangement is painful, and awful, often for all parties

But I can't tell anyone that the sky is falling in so there is just no point in keeping asking me too

Again I reiterate, leaving a relationship in a cruel and silent way can cause stress, heartache, medical and mental problems, I call that abuse.
You call it what you like VS.

The thing is Bridie

This is a thread created by an estranged child about going No Contact

And I am being a accused of not considering EPs feelings, despite the fact I have, I have spoken kindly and a knowledged their pain completely

I have only denied walking away is abusive because it truly is not unless it is to manipulate

Yet who is thinking of estranged children when they post to say that ending a relationship is abuse if the person experiencing says so?

My mother has told me I am abusive for estranging her

Now I have never abused my mother, even when I estranged and my family turned their backs on me, I never told them what she did to force me to estrange and I never told them all the truly awful things she said about them either (it is genuinely disgusting) and I didn't because I didn't want to cause any further pain or upset to anyone including the woman I walked away from, I don't like hurting people

So again, this running theme that I am somehow a bad person for refusing to change my mind... Isn't really justified is it?

I'm not asking you to change your mind, I never abused my children, but I feel I have been abused by one of them, that's how it feels to me.
We will have to agree to disagree.

Feelings are complex and often need help to unravel

It's irrelevant who started this thread 4 years ago and it's about whether or not estranging is abusive.

Sometimes it is for those who have been estranged because that has been their experience, and when you VS or anyone else states categorically that it is never an act of abuse, you are denying them that experience.

No one that I have seen as even suggested let alone said that you are a bad person for estranging your mother. You keep posting these claims like you did the other day when you said that someone who has estranged was told they're abusive.

I asked you where and when this happened but you failed to do so and no doubt, you'll fail to show where anyone has said or suggested that you're a bad person for estranging your mother.

Smileless, there is really no point in this, I have quoted your own words back to you that were unfair and untrue
which I have repeatedly had to defend myself from

If you cannot acknowledge that, the problem still doesn't reside with me

The perfect example of an emotionally unsafe person is one who thinks they are entitled to have a relationship with someone who does not want a relationship with them. The suggestion that a person is an abuser because they do not want contact with someone who makes them unhappy is ironically one that an actual abuser would make. It's pure coercive manipulation. Breaking away from someone who takes away from your happiness is not and never will be abuse. Abuse is criminal. Abuse is not a matter of perception. Abuse is not merely a feeling. Abuse is an act. Go walk into a police station and tell them you are actively being abused by someone you have no contact with. See how far that goes. This debate is absurd. Accusing someone of abuse that no longer has contact with you is a slanderous form of character assassination.

Do you feel better for spouting that absolute load of rubbish Feverjo?
We need to agree to disagree!

The original post was started by person who did the estranging, of course they are bound to justify why they did this. The people on the receiving end don't feel as they do. Its a pointless discussion. It’s how that action makes you feel, like at school if someone was sent to Coventry, it was done to undermine a person, to exclude, make them feel not valued and friendless. How much better to say if you still disagree, say I have to distance for my own piece of mind and we can’t sort it out so I have no choice .

Feelings are complex

What Feverjo said is correct though

Emotional abuse is taken far more seriously now but if I were to go and say my brother is abusing me by walking away from me because I don't want a relationship with my mother...

No the police would definitely disagree it was abuse, even had he done it to hurt and punish me for my decision

“It’s how that action makes you feel, like at school if someone was sent to Coventry, it was done to undermine a person, to exclude, make them feel not valued and friendless.”

Exactly that Allsorts! If it ever was done to you as a child then it would have a bigger impact than anyone might know as an adult wouldn’t it?

Good post Allsorts .