Is 'No Contact' abuse?

Every estrangement is different. I decided, 23 years ago, to estrange my ex - he wasn’t abusive, estrangement was just my choice.

We are acting as parents/grandparents now, but I chose to estrange, without abuse being anywhere in the scenario.

Everyone has a different story.🙂

Thank you for the flowers x

No contact can be abusive but might not necessarily be so exactly maddy which is what some of us are saying. I don't know why it's so hard for others to understand .

Smilelessfrom what I know of what has happened to you, I think you’ve definitely been abused

No contact can be abusive but might not necessarily be so. I think there are posters on GN who have been terribly abused by a no contact decision. However I reluctantly made the decision to go no contact with my abusive sister. She was actually abusive towards me, and eventually I made the difficult decision to have nothing more to do with her. She has mental health issues and required treatment some years ago, because she went out with a knife to kill her mother in law. Luckily she was apprehended by her husband and she then received treatment from the psychiatrist for some years. She continues to take medication but unfortunately she is very abusive and unpleasant. After her husband died some twelve years ago I tried really hard to support her, and I did for some years, but she became progressively more abusive towards me in the things she said, especially after our mother’s death, that I estranged her in order to protect my own mental health. It’s a long and complicated story, but that’s the position now. I feel the loss of my sister, she is my only sibling, but life is calmer without her in it. At the moment anyway, I never say die.

Bridie .

Yes Bridie, any act that is carried out deliberately to be cruel, hurtful and designed to cause harm is abuse.

No you are not defending abuse victims, you are expressing your opinions VS which are being disagreed with by some, and trying to give your opinions more credence by saying it's in defence of the abused. I have been abused, I see no defence here for me.

As for twisting what others post and making insulting comments, your posts speak for themselves.

VS, what you are displaying in your postings comes across as a form of coercive control, trying to constantly convince peo0le you are right.
We all have different feelings, we all handle situations differently, we all differ in our rea tions.
Coercive control is criminal and a form of abuse.

Violet Sky I maintain that it would be abuse if the relationship was severed in a unnecessarily cruel way. For example not explaining to the other party why it was over.
As I, and several others, have said SOME estrangements, not all, are abuse. I don't understand why you can't accept that

If they do the act to be deliberately cruel and hurtful, that is abuse.

Silent treatment however, used to manipulate a person to achieve an aim is abuse but that is not the same as leaving a relationship for good... It's completely different

I have no doubt there are EPs here who have had silent treatment for periods of time as I've spoken to them about it

eddiecat78

If someone does something to another for no good reason, knowing it will cause pain (physical or mental) that is abuse. So yes estrangement can be abuse. Not in every case but definitely sometimes.

Some relationships end... I might deeply love someone but they might not love me or want a relationship with me, no matter how good I am to them... As much as that hurts, it's not abuse because they know it will hurt me... And if I truly love them, I wouldn't be trying to tell them that and hurt them

Iam64

It’s your belief that the act of estranging someone is not an act of abuse. Others feel it can be perceived, felt and experienced as another abusive act by the abuser
There’s no right or wrong here, just different views
I was shocked that you felt it appropriate to instruct smiles to educate herself on abuse. Unnecessary, confrontational and certainly not conducive to encouraging other posters to develop this discussion

I am simply defending abuse victims, there are a lot of confrontational comments but they aren't mine

There are comments misquoting to change meanings, those aren't mine

There are comments that are insulting, those aren't mine

I've said that the act of leaving a relationship is not an abusive act... People either agree with that statement or not

It genuinely makes absolutely no difference how someone experiences something.... But if they are to ever heal, it must be with faced reality

If someone does something to another for no good reason, knowing it will cause pain (physical or mental) that is abuse. So yes estrangement can be abuse. Not in every case but definitely sometimes.

It’s your belief that the act of estranging someone is not an act of abuse. Others feel it can be perceived, felt and experienced as another abusive act by the abuser
There’s no right or wrong here, just different views
I was shocked that you felt it appropriate to instruct smiles to educate herself on abuse. Unnecessary, confrontational and certainly not conducive to encouraging other posters to develop this discussion

I don't have the time either VS, and as it was you who has made the claim I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask you to show where it appeared on this thread.

I agree there are no experts here, just people giving their opinions based on their personal experiences and whose to say that those experiences are wrong.

I'd say that there is always more to learn about everything for everyone... There are no experts here but I do believe many would not term walking away from a relationship as abuse and actually the majority on this thread do agree with that

I'm at work Smileless I don't have time to read a whole thread right now

But this isn't someone asking me to prove what they or I said in a situation so, if you think I am not being truthful, it might be fairer for you to look really

Have you managed to find where on this thread, someone who has estranged has been told they are abusive VS?

I don't need educating on abuse VS and no one needs to be 'educated' about what is for them, their experience of being estranged.

When someone says that for them being estranged is being abused and you come on and tell them they are wrong, you are dismissing their experience.

Smileless2012

Stop dismissing the experiences of others VS. No one is dismissing yours so I don't understand why you feel the need to do this to others.

It's not dismissive to a knowledge that being estranged is very painful but it is not an act of abuse Smileless

We are talking definitions of words across the board it seems

Please educate yourself on abuse

That's something that is often overlooked Bridie, that it isn't necessarily just the parents who suffer, but other family members too.

My mum only saw her first GGC twice and never saw his brother even though she lived even closer to them then we did. It's often a case of 'one out all out'.

I find it difficult Iam64 to class it as anything else but abuse, I have tried rationalise it until I'm blue in the face so to speak, but abuse and cruelty it is, and not just to me but other family members also, which throws out the usual" but you must have done something wrong"... all of us?

Stop dismissing the experiences of others VS. No one is dismissing yours so I don't understand why you feel the need to do this to others.

Bridie22, thank you. Your comment seems to confirm the point I tried to make. The estranged person may perceive it as abusive behaviour, particularly if the estranger has previously behaved abusively.

Show me where VS. The thread is 4 years old and long so I may have missed it.

I class that as abuse Bridie . Being told in writing that you will never be prevented from seeing your only GC because they know how much you love him, and then being prevented from having any form of contact is for us abusive.

Good post @ 9.35 Caleo.