Why do our adult children do this to us?

BradfordLass, brilliant articulation there about a partner influencing negative feelings, Spot on

When I am asked to self review by my employer, I talk about what I do well and my shortcomings. The shortcomings are the important part, what am I doing to overcome them? What areas do I need to educate and improve myself on? What have I accomplished towards it already? Self reviews are important. My employer is obviously happy with my constant improvement as I still have a job.

Ultimately it is their decision on whether I am/am working towards fulfilling my role in a positive, productive way.

I am one of the reconciled parents that Starblaze mentions in her post and I do still read these threads and put my twopennorth in occasionally Polly.

I would agree with some of the posters who suggest a little distance before things decline into a full scale estrangement. There are things in your DD life that you won’t necessarily be privy to (and nor should you be, she’s an adult now) and if she needs time to sort herself out on her own and at her own speed, you need to respect that.

Get on with everything else you have in your life and just be ready when she comes to you, hopefully sooner rather than later. It’s not easy but it can be done?

Hi Pantglas

I think it's also very important to listen to estranged children. We have told our stories here which have been accepted but sometimes our advice on untangling estrangement isn't what some people want to hear.

Obviously we are on gransnet, we qualify to be here. Our status as estranged children does not make us "younger" or less mature but we are often treated as such.

We get the short end of the stick in regards to having to be very careful how we put things because if it can be twisted it will be. It's not our fault our existence makes some uncomfortable.

We often get told to get over it or that we don't belong here.

Actually estranged children are of huge value in a lot of ways.

As are those who arent estranged at all who often say what we do but are ignored.

Its sad at times.

Its worth it to save a relationship, especially a mother/child one.

Your existence doesn't make me uncomfortable Starblaze and for me it matters not if a poster is an EAC, EP/EGP or someone with no personal experience of estrangement.

What matters is what people post, if they can be objective despite their own experiences and if when posting, at the fore front of their mind is genuinely wanting to help someone who comes to GN looking for help as, Polly has done, rather than just pursuing their own agenda.

What would such an agenda be Smileless?

Self reviews are important

Yes they are, I agree, in any area of life and for everyone.

Madgran they just have to be done before you get the sack lol especially if you have been suspended lol

Bad joke sorry

Some very good advice/insight on here.
I agree with those who say she has had some big changes in her life and needs time and space to adjust to 2 major new relationships.
3 of our 4 married in their 20s and started to live their own lives, but eldest daughter didn't meet her soulmate until they were both in their 40s. Until then we had been very close but to my own surprise I experienced feelings of jealousy quite new to me. After a few clashes with new SiL I realised, best to back out and let them build their new lives together.
Thank God still friends with both of them, but there's still a little bit of tension, nowhere near the closeness of before.
And so glad that she's at last got a partner.

*Madgran they just have to be done before you get the sack lol especially if you have been suspended lol

Bad joke sorry*

A bad joke that I am afraid I don't find very funny in light of the OP.

Madgran I agree, not funny, just true.

It crosses over too strongly from work to other relationships and other aspects of life as you say.

It crosses over too strongly from work to other relationships and other aspects of life as you say

Yes but not the best description.

You can see posts on here from some very damaged adult children and their attitude to their parents

What an ugly thing to say Sparkling. What gives you the impression that I’m “damaged”? What gives you the impression that any of the adult children on this board are “damaged”?

Does being “damaged” negate what we have to say?

Analagy Madgran

Motherofdragons

*You can see posts on here from some very damaged adult children and their attitude to their parents*

What an ugly thing to say Sparkling. What gives you the impression that I’m “damaged”? What gives you the impression that any of the adult children on this board are “damaged”?

Does being “damaged” negate what we have to say?

I agree, incredibly unkind comment.

Yes it is, MoD and Summerlove

I spent a great deal of time explaining why it's not OK to call people "damaged" and why it was not the same as saying that certain things can cause damage recently.

Your agenda Starblaze that EAC aren't wanted or welcome on GN. That what they have to say is of no importance and that EP's only want to hear from other EP's etc.

One only has to look at the threads on the estrangement forum to know that isn't true and TBH I don't understand what your post @ 11.10 has to do with this thread anyway.

Analagy Madgran

Analogy indeed, maybe not always appropriate depending on subject matter and where an OP is at in their situation. But each to our own.

That's not an agenda Smileless it's how I feel.

Please explain how any of what you have said to me today is welcoming

It's neither welcoming or un welcoming Starbaze; it's how I feel.

Madgran I already recognise, sometimes I use humour when a behaviour seems ridiculous to me. It's not personal. But what Holyhannah said is correct to a huge extent and I used a analogy to show it.

Any chance you could address what Sparkling said Madgran and Smileless

Obviously anyone reading the estrangement threads would find more comments like that of Sparkling and examples of the other things I mentioned earlier.

They would see clearly that those comments were not pulled up by other estranged parents and often they would be sent grinning faces, flowers or generally otherwise awarded for that sort of thing.

Which is why I feel estranged children aren't wanted here. By some

Its not a huge leap.

There are also some very lovely estranged parents here that sadly aren't here very often.

I think it is inappropriate to call people "damaged" on a public forum. It is emotive and easily interpreted as insulting even if it is possibly not meant that way. I don't know how someone means it when they write it on a forum, but then it is easy to misinterpret what is meant by a lot of what is written.

I think it is safer to apply damage as a description to events/experiences rather than people, as in certain experiences can cause damage. People who have experienced things in childhood or adulthood, estrangement, abuse, coercive control or whatever may well experience/feel damage ...but on a public forum there is no way of knowing whether they have, how they have dealt with that damage they perceive or experience or where they are in any process of recovery or otherwise.

Of course when anyone describes their experiences it is likely that readers will make judgements about the impact of those experiences, based on what is described, style of writing and expression and all sorts of other factors that are part of engaging with others on a public forum, but there is no way of knowing so seems best not to assume.

Brilliant Madgran

Excellent post Madgran far too many judgements are made about posters especially on the estrangement threads.