Why do our adult children do this to us?

One person's feelings does not = another person's reality....

I would think at our ages that would be generally known as fact...

Any chance you could address what Sparkling said Madgran and Smileless

I hadn't seen this comment when I posted above!! If I had seen it I would have referred to it in my post! I find it rude.

I decide what I comment on just as we all do! I do not understand why you would specifically ask me to comment Starblaze particularly as I have commented in similar vein previously on the use of the word "damaged" as you well know.

No point continuing this; what a shame!

I asked you to address it Madgran because I liked your take on it before...

To self-review is fine...

But if your "self-review" of being a 'good' parent is not agreed upon by your child(ren) then the fact You think/believe you were a 'good parent' now comes into question...

As I have said before, the parent is the Director of the film... The Director thinks the movie is the best ever and yet the audience walked out. The reviews for the movie (outsiders looking in) were not good either...

Is the Director/parent being honest about their movie/parenting?

My opinion is, probably not.

I asked you to address it Madgran because I liked your take on it before...

Really! That passed me by subsequently!

One person's feelings does not = another person's reality....

Yes-

It's possible I stopped talking to my mother because I realized we were not getting along and also realized that I couldn't deal with that reality- Because it hurt- And because it hurt, I realized it was ignorant to continue-

Madgran I don't understand you?

I asked you to address it, you did, I said it was brilliant..

What have I done wrong here?

rosecarmel -- Exactly.

My 'mom' feels We had a "good relationship" -- I felt beaten down and unable to speak my most basic reality... That I didn't like how she treated Me.

This went on for decades before I came out of the FOG and started asking, "Why don't I like how my 'mom' treats Me? Why does how she treats me makes Me feel 'bad' not just as someone who has done something 'wrong' but as a person as a whole? I don't believe I am this 'ugly' terrible thing that she 'sees'? Why does she (and her enablers) see Me so harshly when new-comers seem to like Me?"

The reality is she had a perception issue with Me. She saw me through a dirty lens and then "directed" our family with that 'truth'.

"Any chance of ...." implies very different!

Glad you liked the response even though not it was not made in response to your "Any chance of..."

Not playing this game Starblaze, you know perfectly well unless you have a very short memory and I am leaving it there. Respect and all that!

OK Madgran

Hello Polly So sorry to hear your sad story. Same as mine, my daughter became rebellious at 13yrs. At 20yrs she came back to live with me as she was pregnant & father didn't want to know. We were very close & when the baby came along we were a tight little loving unit, along with her elder sister, life was good.

She later met, married & moved out with her husband, still we were very close. She & my GD would phone me every day.
One year after they married, I along with her sister & slowly the rest of the family were cut out. Not seen her for 7.5yrs now

I heard it said that the CO GP that faired the best, were the ones that just went along as if nothing was wrong, visiting when allowed, sending the odd txt etc. until things went back to normal. If I could turn the clock back, that's what I'd do, going round with Xmas/birthday gifts, leaving them on the step if not allowed in.

I've only read the first page, will read more another day. You have some good replies & advise here. Just be aware of a few posters who seem to hijack these estrangement threads & say some very mean things, they are the long winded, constantly posting posters, so try to take no heed of them.

God bless xx

Polly,
I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I also have a daughter who will no longer have any communication with me. It is hard to describe the level of heartbreak it causes

As you've posted Rachel it's hard to put into words how heartbreak being estranged from your own child is. I'm so sorry you're having to live with this too.

I have been going through this off and on for the last 7 years. Every time I don't do what she wants she cuts me out of her life. I don't even want her in my life anymore. I have not seen or talked to my granddaughter in almost two years. I don't know where they live or anything. I took her to court to try and get visitation because her boyfriend and her were mistreating my granddaughter. She would come to school with bruises on her face and body and would always be hungry. She has another son by him but they both decided that when she got pregnant that she did not want me around him. I was fine with it because I never got a chance to bond with him. Once she saw that I was doing everything for my granddaughter and did not do anything for him she and her boyfriend decided that I could not see my granddaughter. I really don't care if I ever see her again. I only want to see my granddaughter. She lied in court and the judge believed her. I know my granddaughter is being abused. She has alienated her only brother and her father who she had not spoken to in over 10 years and he died last year and she attended the funeral like she was a wonderful daughter! She is a monster. I know I will never see my granddaughter but I need to get over the pain. I lost my job because I could not function. I can't eat or sleep. I have had suicidal thoughts and I struggle everyday just to get out of bed. I Have no family or real friends. Just wish I had someone to talk to.

You do have someone you can talk too HowlongIcantakethis you can talk to estranged parents and estranged grandparents here on GN.

There's a support thread here for all living with estrangement where you may want to post.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and for the worries you have for your GD. You are not alone, there are estranged parents/grand parents who understand your pain and are here for you.

I've private messaged you.

HowlongcanItakethis8, sorry you have had these difficulties.
one thing i didn;t understand about yr story.
if you saw bruises on yr GD and thought she was being abused, why didn't you report that to child protective services, rather than going to court to try to get visitation rights.
that seems a rather long way round.
if you still have concerns about yr GD, could you report that now. even if you don't know their address, the officials will.

holy hannah,
i like your analogy with the film director.
but some of them may be deluded, rather than dishonest.
remember that film about the rich woman who thought she was top opera singer, hired carnegie hall, was painfully off-key.
florence foster jenkins. that really was a great film, about a sadly deluded person, true story.

Isn't it hard for us parents (of once close adult children) to step away with dignity, especially when close friends talk endlessly of their family weekends and grandchildren babysitting? I'm losing my DS ( my daughter-in-law despises me ). I've taken a big step back because I think that's easier and makes my son's life less stressful (trying to be a diplomat....he knows I'm only a text away). I still slightly envy my friends who have such easy times with their adult family.

It is hard I agree Honeybee when our friends are talking about their GC and doing the things we always thought we'd be doing, never dreaming that things would turn out as they have.

I've never understood why some of our d's.i.l. despise us; the very people who raised the young men they fell in love with, married and fathered their children.

You've done the right thing taking a step back as damage limitation is all you can do in the circumstances. Are you still in contact with your son?

Honeybee/smileless, don’t you think perhaps that some of the issues with your DIL’s are maybe down to exactly what you’ve described here? Mismatched expectations? You’ve both obviously had ideals of what grand parenting would look like to you, but sometimes (and I’m not saying that’s the case for you) I feel that the expectations of the parents and grandparents do not match up which causes friction and that sort of domino effect of conflict.
It’s just an observation based on looking at various estrangement threads.

Lolo81 -- I fully agree that mismatched expectations leads to most estrangement situations.

What those mismatches are is what is up for debate...

Any mismatch would result in conflict I suppose and then it leads to that death by 1000 paper cuts kind of feeling on both sides where the smallest thing is what lights the blue touch paper.
I eventually estranged from my MIL, it took me years to finally cut her out and the thing that finally did it for me was her giving my youngest liquorice! On its own it sounds so bloody petty. But it was definitely the straw that broke the camels back for me, after years of condescension, favouritism and manipulation.
When I think back now I know I was a pushover for too long and I do wonder if I’d have been assertive sooner if I could have tolerated her a bit better in the long run.
I suppose I’m coming at it from a perspective of someone whose MIL wasn’t classically “abusive”. She wasn’t dangerous or obsessive like some of the EP’s I read about. Our relationship disintegrated over a decade before I had enough.
I think my hope (perhaps naively optimistic) is that by commenting on these threads maybe I could prevent someone else from suffering the way I (and I suppose my MIL) did by saying where we went wrong. Hopefully I’m articulating this in the right way.

Lolo81 -- Unfortunately the approach you are using has been tried before. It doesn't work.

Why it doesn't work, like what the 'mismatched expectations' are, is also up for debate. Check the 'Common Themes' and 'EAC' threads...

It's an interesting point Lolo but TBH wasn't an issue for us.

The only 'expectations' we had were what I think all P's who know they're going to be GP's have, that we would get to know our GC.

They asked me if I would help out with childcare 3 times a week, it wasn't something I'd expected but would have been more than happy to do. When they moved to the village where we lived before they got married and had children, just 15 doors away, I did jokingly ask our now ES if he wanted to be near his mum and he said 'no, just near to free child care'.

I think when a relationship, like the one you had with your m.i.l. disintegrates over a period of time, it can well be due to mis matched expectations, with one or both not listening to what's being said and not taking the opportunity to step back and begin to, at the very least, limit the damage.

Our problems became evident when our ES's wife became pregnant although at the time we hadn't realised how things were going to turn out. We were finally estranged when our GC was 8 months old, so even if we took the disintegration back to the beginning of her pregnancy, the whole thing was over in under a year and a half.

You've articulated your own experience very well and I hope that your post is read by those whose relationships are suffering due to mis matched expectations.

This has worked in the past, we've seen GP's whose expectations are completely unrealistic. Some have taken on board the advice that's been given especially when it's sensibly and kindly put, like your posts are.

Hello polly 75. You could be writing my story. It is so similar. I sometimes see my D but it descends into swearing etc ... and the stress has become too much now. I am just waiting for a book to arrive called done with the crying by sherrie macgregor. Full of mums like us. I can only suggest leaving the door ajar. Sending b day cards etc. Leaving presents for grandchild so they know you havent forgotten them. Stay strong and stoic. Surround yourself with good friends. One day your D may become an adult. I still hope mine will.