Why do our adult children do this to us?

If you think children are being abused contact The Childrens Society. They do more than SS to protect kids

there's also NSPCC.

Hello polly. You could be describing my daughter. I am so tired of the..... it must be the parents fault brigade. My D had ballet, gymnastics, archery, basketball, holidays, school holidays abroad, theatre trips, film trips, and parties , sleepovers etc. You name it she had it. So this, poor me, generation is becoming tiresome as well. Polly, it's not you, its the era we now live in. Stay focused on your happiness, and do not let anyone dim your flame. Most of us, were good enough mothers. Our kids need to mature, before it's too late

*do not let anyone dim your flame*; I like that Fuchsiarose.

Fuchsiarose a lot of the younger generation now value time and emotional support over "stuff".

That's actually pretty mature if you think about it, to value emotional connections with others over what they can do for us.

I fully agree and support this with my own children.

I was brought up and also brought up my own children to value time, attention, emotional support, understanding over "stuff". I agree with you Starblaze it is pretty mature; not just the younger generation though?

Well no Madgran cos we exist lol

I do think that change has happened in general over time though

Thanks . She also had love, attention, kindness, emotional support, a mother who was always there for her...? Not one of the strong discipline types. I believed in positive reinforcement. Never blame the child, just the action. I believed in reasoning with her regarding issues in life. Clearly, I loved her too much, otherwise I doubt she would have the power to hurt me so much. There is a difference between nature and nurture . Her personality is what it is, I have asked her to do mother and daughter counselling. The answer is no. Sometimes we go to our grave waiting, as I will.

Fuchsiarose your comments are so at odds with each other. Look where you mind went first, maybe the same happened when your daughter had issues. Sometimes it's easy to go with what society has taught us has value.. Ie: stuff.

I don't personally think there is anything wrong with today's young adults. Society has enough people who lack empathy and go around harming others and themselves. It's a good thing that we become more sensitive. It's actually stronger than people think.

If your daughter has declined counselling, that's hard. Have you tried offering to let her choose a counselor? Sometimes that helps.

Otherwise I expect there is nothing to be done other than respect her decision and find happiness for yourself.

Thanks. I spent 35 years asking her opinion, asking her to choose a counsellor. Some people just enjoy the twist of the knife. ie. D. I am crying again now, because everytime I think she might suddenly have an epiphany. It's a red herring.

Shes very highly educated too... maybe that's where I went wrong...

Fuchsiaose do the counselling for you anyway. It helps

Thank you. It means a lot. I so envy other mums who maybe have a D who arrives to go shopping and have lunch out when time permits

That may still come Fuchsiarose but in the meantime, as Starblaze suggests, counselling may help you come to terms with the estrangement and build your understanding of how things went wrong.

You’ll then be in a better position to move forward should your daughter change her mind.

You need to take care of yourself Fuchsiarose. There's nothing you can do, it is out of your control so until anything changes, focus on what you can do to help get you through this heartbreaking situation and look to the future.

I do think that change has happened in general over time though

Yes I think that is true. That's how change happens really.

I suppose I don't tend to think in terms of generations generally.

maybe she got a controlling husband .my daughter changed when she got married and left me out of a lot of things ,she still does.she never contacts me to see if i am ok .the only time she knows if i am playing games on facebook ,though she did come up sundasy afternoon day before my birthday with the grandchildren ,but she still wont allow them in my home,..and yes i got cards from them but no gifts .her excuse oh i havent been shopping for months and months, but she does her shopping online .a box of shortbread doesnt cost that much..

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That's a good point moggie the role of a controlling partner is often underestimated when it comes to estrangement or as is in your case low contact.

Parents in this situation often remark on how the relationship with their AC changed when they married or became involved in a long term relationship.

The sad thing those EAC who seem totally consumed to the exclusion of all else, of their terrible parents, who did not understand them, thus making their childhoods unbearable as indeed the present is in remembrance of it. As everything is 100 percent their parents fault. Surely, getting the results they have , no contact, they should just enjoy what they have.

Sparkling can you show me an EAC on gransnet who has said that everything is 100% their parents fault?

Granted, when you raise someone from a newborn baby and they remain dependant on you until reaching adulthood, they are 100% an innocent child and dealing with any problems/issues that may cause bad behaviour is something they cannot do without parental help/support/consent in a lot of cases. Yet... I've never seen any E(adult)C, here, claim to be perfect or 100% innocent of any wrong doing.

Can you show me proof of that statement?

Starblaze -- I seem to recall continuously saying that EP's need to own 50%. We can't get them near that when they say it's 100% their AC or their spouse that is the issue.

Percentages of ownership seem a rather pointless way of apportioning responsibility. Self reflection on actions that have potentially impacted, reflection on the perspectives/feelings of others and not just one's own seem to be a far more useful activity.... I am talking generally, not commenting on any specific poster, just to clarify.

I do think that sometimes people who are hurting leave out the bits that they (may) know they are responsible for, because they are desperate to talk about the hurt and the pain and their own perspective ...where they are now in their journey.

I dont remember the specific statement "...is 100% responsible" but I might have forgotten one. I have seen posts from both EPs and EACs that imply that, from comments made about the grotty stuff that the person they are estranged from, has done to them in their view, from where they are now when they are posting.

Yes and I agree with you HH I've seen that expressed many ways, a desire for 50/50, to be met half way, to just be listened too.

I can't see any such comments exist... And if I am wrong and they do... Its not by any EAC I'd like or trust to be honest.

Oh I should have said, yes I have seen EAC refer to a desire for 50/50, sorry I meant to say that above.