Recognise how far you have come.

Kate1949 given how incredibly hard it can be just to make an appointment and go and ask for help, he seriously let you down.

Kate1949 -- "he told me that I should 'forget the past and move on'." -- said like a typical abuser/enabler...

That is such an unhealthy mentality. Yes, victims would love to "move on" but the healthy way to do that is with "closure". Abuse victims rarely (if ever) get "closure" other then to come to terms with, "Our abusers only want Us when we are available to be abused. Their idea of love is nothing but abuse."

That statement is one of those "red flag"/instant kill shots that I go, "Oh... So are you an abuser or enabler or both?"

Yes somethings are difficult if not impossible to 'move on from' Kate. It's one thing for someone to say about themselves that they've succeeded in or are working toward moving on, quite another when some one obviously in distress is told to 'forget the past and move one'.

Especially when they've either no idea what that person's going through or personal experience. Moving on IMO isn't about forgetting the past, but accepting it as best you can.

Was it your GP who said this Kate?

Starblaze -- Yes. Abusers/enablers are very good at letting people down. They don't feel a need to build people (other then themselves) up. That's called being empathetic and supportive and that's not in their emotional vocabulary.

Abuse survivors rarely get true support anywhere. Sadly, the victim blaming/shaming society we live in is reluctant to get healthier.

Easier to blame the victim/offer non-solutions and when the non-solution doesn't 'work'? Blame the victim some more.

Me -- "The real solution is to deal with the bully/abuser."

The World -- "But then I might become a target of their wrath! Easier and safer (for Me) to stay silent and play lip-service (fake caring) to the real victim and enable the abuser."

Kate1949 I'm with you in loathing that expression "move on". I find the notion of 'closure' equally unhelpful.
It's become a platitude to talk about 'closure' as something that can be achieved, no matter the level of trauma or loss. I believe its possible to integrate our experiences, without forgetting or allowing them to define us.

www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/in-flux/201104/5-ways-find-closure-the-past

Yes it was my GP Smiless. I told him some of the things that had happened to me and he said "then I'd say you've done very well'. I didn't want to make this thread all about me ( I have a habit of that). Just putting forward a different point of view.

Kate1949 -- I think the spirit of the thread is that we are supposed to talk about Us. It is about "how far you have come".

"I didn't want to make this thread all about me ( I have a habit of that)." -- I don't know if that's true or not and if it is? At least you own the behavior which always wins with Me.

Stay strong and best wishes.

Oh Kate please do! We have lots of space here.

Cuppa and a biscuit at hand

Thanks everyone. You are all very kind.

Saying "then I'd say you've done very well" was clearly an attempt at understanding and empathy Kate; pity he 'spoiled it' by then saying it's time to move on and forget about it.

If only it was that easy.

Sharing your own experiences isn't 'making it all about you' that's what the threads, especially on the estrangement forum are for.

Yes, I agree with how you feel about 'closure' Iam; is that ever possible? Another for me is 'life is too short'.

There are many great articles and resources for finding 'closure' and it certainly has a clinical/psychological definition/meaning.

www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/defining-closure-psychology/

Yes I'm well aware of the development of 'closure' as a psychological term throughout the 1990s. I understand the concept of letting go and find that emotionally and psychologically beneficial, indeed essential.
I'm thinking of the mother of the Moors victim KB. She never found peace for the rest of her life. I'm also reflecting on my dentist, who had the Auschwitz tattoo on his arm. The two older women I worked with, such great role models, one had the tattoo, the other had arrived in England in 1938, an unaccompanied 8 year old on the kinder transport. These people somehow integrated their losses, the abuse those who were in camps were subjected to, into their lives. They were compassionate and I will always be thankful I met them and learned from them about integrating experiences.
I don't say that closure is a flawed concept, just that it is sometimes seen as a sticking plaster.

Iam64 -- "Closure" isn't about plastering/putting a band-aid on something. Part of closure is accepting the damage that has been done and learning how to deal with it in a healthy way.

It's the theme of not being able to 'fix' what you can't/won't acknowledge. In order to 'fix' the effects of Narcissistic abuse by my 'mom' I had to understand all the layers of her abuse and that it was abuse.

Denial is something that both victims and perpetrators have in common.

We aren't in disagreement here Holy Hannah. We are looking at the same issue with a slightly different perspective.

To be honest I'd always thought closure was about somehow slamming a door on it all. I always thought, how is that achievable because good memories and bad memories are so intigrated and impossible to untangle so, wouldn't I lose everything good by shutting the bad away?

I will read the article later, perhaps it doesn't mean what I thought at all.

Thank you for those articles Holyhannah it doesn't mean what I thought at all. I think that actually I have at least almost fully achieved that and even given my mum the tools that she needs to achieve that.

My mum has been sending the exact same messages and engaging in the same kinds of harassment for years without any evidence of growth or change (that's why I stopped reading them now) so I don't think she ever will sadly.

An interesting and informative article. For me the section on 'Why closure is needed for a broken relationship' was particularly good.

Iam you posted "I believe it's possible to integrate our experiences, without forgetting them or allowing them to define us" I think so too and if achieved is a healthy way of working toward finding 'closure' and moving on with one's life.

If a conclusion is reached, I see it as such: Roe v Wade was decided-

Stacking the Supreme Court with Conservatives: Roe v Wade can be overturned-

If Roe v Wade is overturned: A president can make it the Law of the Land-

And so on and so forth-

When moving toward a solution I can go with the flow- But not without experiencing stubborn moments of "wanting to know" the outcome- At which point I can get ahead of myself- If I get ahead of myself, I can get in my own way- But I can also find foresight by being forward thinking-

If closure were a "door", so to speak, for me it's a turnstile-

I believe I have 'moved on' from my horrible childhood. Some of the memories can be pushed away - the violence in the house etc. Some can't. For instance, my mother took me to a dentist at 11 years old as I had 2 rotten teeth. The dentist persuaded her to let him take all of my teeth out. My teenage years were awful. All of my friends getting boyfriends and me with dentures. I am 71 years of age and I can honestly say I have never smiled properly. That's been difficult in the extreme.

Kate1949 - what a horrible experience, to have your teeth removed at 11 years of age, something you live with for ever.

rosecarmel, I like your idea of a turnstile.

I do realise, by the way, that terrible things happen to people, far worse than what happened to me.

Kate, your story is one of heartbreak and it broke mine reading it-

When I was an active participant on Pinterest I had one board titled Joy- I combed the internet for specific images of people laughing- All ages- From mouths that were overcrowded with teeth to none at all- The "Joy" was evident from their facial expression, from the heart- Which, to me, proved that teeth weren't what truly smiles -- the heart does-

It was my most popular board and "pinned" by thousands-