Recognise how far you have come.

That’s a great image Rose and I like your pity party ideas.
Kate, you don’t sound self indulgent at all when you talk of your experiences. Strength and courage more like

That sounds like a good plan rose

Kate, I actually made myself a PITY PARTY banner years ago and proudly hung that thing on the wall, had myself a few cupcakes and a good cry- Then I packed that thing up and put it away -- until the next party .. ?

How kind. This site is my therapy!

Sharing your experiences with others isn't self pity Kate; it's courageous.

Lovely picture rose

Thank you rose and Smiles. I am guilty of self pity. It seemed doubly cruel when, a few years ago, I lost all if my hair which will never grow back. I know you all have troubles too.

One of my favorite images .. ?

What a lovely post rosecarmel

That was a terrible thing to have happened to you Kate. I feel as if I should say more but don't know what else to say.

I like the idea of a turnstile too

Kate, your story is one of heartbreak and it broke mine reading it-

When I was an active participant on Pinterest I had one board titled Joy- I combed the internet for specific images of people laughing- All ages- From mouths that were overcrowded with teeth to none at all- The "Joy" was evident from their facial expression, from the heart- Which, to me, proved that teeth weren't what truly smiles -- the heart does-

It was my most popular board and "pinned" by thousands-

I do realise, by the way, that terrible things happen to people, far worse than what happened to me.

Kate1949 - what a horrible experience, to have your teeth removed at 11 years of age, something you live with for ever.

rosecarmel, I like your idea of a turnstile.

I believe I have 'moved on' from my horrible childhood. Some of the memories can be pushed away - the violence in the house etc. Some can't. For instance, my mother took me to a dentist at 11 years old as I had 2 rotten teeth. The dentist persuaded her to let him take all of my teeth out. My teenage years were awful. All of my friends getting boyfriends and me with dentures. I am 71 years of age and I can honestly say I have never smiled properly. That's been difficult in the extreme.

If a conclusion is reached, I see it as such: Roe v Wade was decided-

Stacking the Supreme Court with Conservatives: Roe v Wade can be overturned-

If Roe v Wade is overturned: A president can make it the Law of the Land-

And so on and so forth-

When moving toward a solution I can go with the flow- But not without experiencing stubborn moments of "wanting to know" the outcome- At which point I can get ahead of myself- If I get ahead of myself, I can get in my own way- But I can also find foresight by being forward thinking-

If closure were a "door", so to speak, for me it's a turnstile-

Iam you posted "I believe it's possible to integrate our experiences, without forgetting them or allowing them to define us" I think so too and if achieved is a healthy way of working toward finding 'closure' and moving on with one's life.

An interesting and informative article. For me the section on 'Why closure is needed for a broken relationship' was particularly good.

Thank you for those articles Holyhannah it doesn't mean what I thought at all. I think that actually I have at least almost fully achieved that and even given my mum the tools that she needs to achieve that.

My mum has been sending the exact same messages and engaging in the same kinds of harassment for years without any evidence of growth or change (that's why I stopped reading them now) so I don't think she ever will sadly.

To be honest I'd always thought closure was about somehow slamming a door on it all. I always thought, how is that achievable because good memories and bad memories are so intigrated and impossible to untangle so, wouldn't I lose everything good by shutting the bad away?

I will read the article later, perhaps it doesn't mean what I thought at all.

We aren't in disagreement here Holy Hannah. We are looking at the same issue with a slightly different perspective.

Iam64 -- "Closure" isn't about plastering/putting a band-aid on something. Part of closure is accepting the damage that has been done and learning how to deal with it in a healthy way.

It's the theme of not being able to 'fix' what you can't/won't acknowledge. In order to 'fix' the effects of Narcissistic abuse by my 'mom' I had to understand all the layers of her abuse and that it was abuse.

Denial is something that both victims and perpetrators have in common.

Yes I'm well aware of the development of 'closure' as a psychological term throughout the 1990s. I understand the concept of letting go and find that emotionally and psychologically beneficial, indeed essential.
I'm thinking of the mother of the Moors victim KB. She never found peace for the rest of her life. I'm also reflecting on my dentist, who had the Auschwitz tattoo on his arm. The two older women I worked with, such great role models, one had the tattoo, the other had arrived in England in 1938, an unaccompanied 8 year old on the kinder transport. These people somehow integrated their losses, the abuse those who were in camps were subjected to, into their lives. They were compassionate and I will always be thankful I met them and learned from them about integrating experiences.
I don't say that closure is a flawed concept, just that it is sometimes seen as a sticking plaster.

There are many great articles and resources for finding 'closure' and it certainly has a clinical/psychological definition/meaning.

www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/defining-closure-psychology/

Saying "then I'd say you've done very well" was clearly an attempt at understanding and empathy Kate; pity he 'spoiled it' by then saying it's time to move on and forget about it.

If only it was that easy.

Sharing your own experiences isn't 'making it all about you' that's what the threads, especially on the estrangement forum are for.

Yes, I agree with how you feel about 'closure' Iam; is that ever possible? Another for me is 'life is too short'.

Thanks everyone. You are all very kind.