Let's just forget any version of "get over it". Try this instead:
When we have been in a state of overcoming for much of our lives, it can be difficult to surrender to the fact that there is no longer anything to overcome. Wilfull overcoming and goal-centeredness become an entrenched way of being- one that is associated with our very survival- and it can be difficult to slow down and realize that we made it out. That we are no longer at risk. That we created a healthier, safer reality. This is as true for people who overcame poverty as it is those who made it out of unsafe home environments. Many of us- and I am one of them- have great difficulty recognizing and integrating the fact that we are no longer back there. Our minds know we got out, but our animal bodies are still carrying the same anxieties that fueled our overcoming. In my own experience, the key to the shift in awareness is developing our capacity for surrender to our bodies. Only when we can drop down below our wilfull warrior, only when we can slow down and truly FEEL the change, will we be able to integrate the fact that we are no longer back there. For us to know the war is over, we have to allow ourselves to breathe deeply into the beautiful world that we have constructed with our own efforts. We have to raise the white flag in our hearts. This is no easy feat- surrendering brings up the old anxieties, at first- but if we stay with it, it will become a natural way of being. And the wars of overcoming, slowly become a thing of the past…
~Jeff Brown
Oh Kate please do! We have lots of space here.
Cuppa and a biscuit at hand
Kate1949 -- I think the spirit of the thread is that we are supposed to talk about Us. It is about "how far you have come".
"I didn't want to make this thread all about me ( I have a habit of that)." -- I don't know if that's true or not and if it is? At least you own the behavior which always wins with Me.
Stay strong and best wishes.
Yes it was my GP Smiless. I told him some of the things that had happened to me and he said "then I'd say you've done very well'. I didn't want to make this thread all about me ( I have a habit of that). Just putting forward a different point of view.
Kate1949 I'm with you in loathing that expression "move on". I find the notion of 'closure' equally unhelpful.
It's become a platitude to talk about 'closure' as something that can be achieved, no matter the level of trauma or loss. I believe its possible to integrate our experiences, without forgetting or allowing them to define us.
Starblaze -- Yes. Abusers/enablers are very good at letting people down. They don't feel a need to build people (other then themselves) up. That's called being empathetic and supportive and that's not in their emotional vocabulary.
Abuse survivors rarely get true support anywhere. Sadly, the victim blaming/shaming society we live in is reluctant to get healthier.
Easier to blame the victim/offer non-solutions and when the non-solution doesn't 'work'? Blame the victim some more.
Me -- "The real solution is to deal with the bully/abuser."
The World -- "But then I might become a target of their wrath! Easier and safer (for Me) to stay silent and play lip-service (fake caring) to the real victim and enable the abuser."
Was it your GP who said this Kate?
Yes somethings are difficult if not impossible to 'move on from' Kate. It's one thing for someone to say about themselves that they've succeeded in or are working toward moving on, quite another when some one obviously in distress is told to 'forget the past and move one'.
Especially when they've either no idea what that person's going through or personal experience. Moving on IMO isn't about forgetting the past, but accepting it as best you can.
Kate1949 -- "he told me that I should 'forget the past and move on'." -- said like a typical abuser/enabler...
That is such an unhealthy mentality. Yes, victims would love to "move on" but the healthy way to do that is with "closure". Abuse victims rarely (if ever) get "closure" other then to come to terms with, "Our abusers only want Us when we are available to be abused. Their idea of love is nothing but abuse."
That statement is one of those "red flag"/instant kill shots that I go, "Oh... So are you an abuser or enabler or both?"
Kate1949 given how incredibly hard it can be just to make an appointment and go and ask for help, he seriously let you down.
When I was in tears in the GP's surgery last year, when a straw broke this camel's back, he told me that I should 'forget the past and move on'.
That's easy to say. Some things are very difficult to 'move on' (I hate that expression) from.
I expect there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express anger. Being angry all the time would be exhausting.
Screaming into a pillow I heard is good.
Anger can be something that surfaces in an argument/fight.
Anger is an emotion necessary in the human being make-up.
In many people female/male and children anger is some reaction to frustrations below the surface. In a controlled scenario perhaps with a counsellor getting underneath the anger to the root of the problem is helpful
Anger not properly harnessed can be destructive and at times downright dangerous.
Anger can be a positive emotion.
"All who live should rage. People who are angry get up in the morning, people who are sad sometimes do not" Alice Jolly, from 'Dead Babies and Seaside Towns'.
I think maybe anger can be tied to guilt so strongly that it's impossible to express it at all. Especially when you grow up being told anger = bad.
Anger is actually self protection isn't it? A boost of adrenaline, a means to get us out of fearful or dangerous situations? A clear warning to others "I'm protecting myself! Stay away!“.
I used to just cry angry...
Light bulb moment
Took me a while, thanks guys
"That said, if you aren't allowed proper anger then you end up depressed on many levels."
True- Which is why being asked to forgive before things are sorted even roughly enough leaves too many "loose ends" so to speak and you just wind up being angry all over again-
I understand that Holyhannah more often I was told the emotion I had were different than they were. There are only so many times someone can say. "stop being angry, stop shouting" before you do get angry and start shouting.
I had so much love from my Dad, unconditional, real, heard and seen. I knew she didn't love me from a young age. I did live in fear though that I deserved that and if I spent more time with Dad he would reject me too. That meant I turned down opportunities to live with him which is a shame.
We have our children and our good relationship as one of the destination in that journey though and that brings a lot of comfort. It also brings a lot of persistence lol
Starblaze -- I think the biggest thing for Me was realizing that 'mom' and I were never 'close' the way I thought we were/she told me we were.
Even though, as you say, our unhealthy relationship began before I could even talk didn't mean I didn't see the 'wrong' in the home. I think that unnerved her.
The anger and bitterness from her cycled into her being more bitter and unhappy... So I had a polar-opposite personality.
That said, if you aren't allowed proper anger then you end up depressed on many levels. Learning about proper balance and healthy emotions/emotional regulation is a key to healing. That's how I know my 'mom' was not healthy. She lacked emotional regulation. Since I was punished for having the 'wrong' emotions I never developed those 'bad patterns' that I think she hated in herself.
Understanding that was all projection? I haven't had a suicidal thought since and my depression is as cured as it can be. I haven't had a real panic attack in years. My C-PTSD symptoms have improved... All by not believing what I was taught/projected onto growing up and that's how far I've come in therapy.
When you are trying to heal from anything or in my case, a highly abusive relationship that begun before you could even speak.....
At first you just can't see your progress. You feel like things will never get any better for you. After a while you can measure your progress in years, then months then weeks then days.
Things happen in life and you can measure your strength and your resilience against them.
Over time I have learnt to understand my mum, I've learnt why she became the way she did. I've learnt to let go of the bad feeling towards her and pity her. Maybe that's not forgiveness but it is allowing her to be her and live her life while I live mine, apart.
I've also learnt how and why I am different to my mum and understand where that made my path branch away from hers.
I think though that there is no set standard or distance or measure for where anyone should be.
Just the ability to keep going and growing and knowing that people around you appreciate the effort.
More wise words from Jeff Brown Facebook page. He is so uplifting in troubled times
Yes it can. I do have experience there.
Terrifying indeed and counselling can help with the aftermath if survived, as it can with many traumatic experiences, if the right counsellor/style of counselling is found
I haven't had that experience Madgran my scare was caught quickly, cut out, nothing further needed. People close to me have had terrible times. It seemed to be, throw this treatment at you till it looks like it might kill you and hope it kills the cancer first.
Cancer is terrifying and traumatising and people who gave survived it have my respect
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