Your money or your grandsons

Just a suggestion to ALL: When someone posts here try to consider the following; 1) They may be in a different time zone. 2) They may not be skilled at getting around on this site. I'm a nerd and yet it took me a few days just to figure out how this site is set up. It is not particularly user friendly. 3) They are probably hurting or they wouldn't be here. 4) You jumping in with accusations, interpretations, etc., only confuses the other posters because some of what is said gets confused with what the original poster is saying. 5) Ask questions to find things out. So much of what people have said here just on my post is a lot of statements of unrelated information. 6) Try not to fight with each other. If someone says something that is rude (like telling me that something that happened didn't) is telling me that you think I'm liar. While that was extremely rude and insensitive...I simply replied by stating that it was EXACTLY the words used. While that may not conform to what the RUDE poster knows of a religious group, it is what was said and I would have stated other words had she used them. 7) BE KIND - So many people these days have become keyboard cruel. Why? I'll probably never understand it. The quickest way to have a resource for people who need it, is for people to create a toxic environment.

I will let you know if I get anywhere with my son this week. I am not on every day.

It would be good if you let us know if your sons does drop by and how that goes JGran. You do seem to be 'keeping the door open' which for now, I think is all you can do.

I am hoping that we can resolve our issues long before passing and I am also hoping I can look forward to a long life. However, if I pass today...lightening...a bus??? Then, no, he will not inherit if we do not resolve our issues. I have also just found out that he is only working part-time. They can't be having an easy go of it because I can't imagine that he has even come close to what he was making working for me or with me. I contacted my DIL to see if she would be there for me to drop off a couple of boxes. Masks I picked up for all of them, a few gifts (small items) and the balance of the China set that I gave them for their wedding. It was the one set that she loved and she has known that I had the extra pieces for her. I am trying to go through my house and get rid of the things that I just don't need or use. She stated that she didn't want me to go by and that my son was only working part-time and would come pick them up, but I wasn't going to be home at the time she gave me so I had to decline. I'm hoping to make another appointment date this week for him to come by so, we'll see.

I do agree with the last two posters. Just a thought though, as someone pointed out, when you pass and everyone inherits property except for your son, that is a very strong message you are sending him and singling him out like that is going to hurt - a lot. Whether justified or not, think carefully about if this is how you really want to leave things with him when you are no longer here.

Then I suppose all you can do is wait until he's ready JGran. You've done all that you can so I hope for now you can concentrate on you and other family members.

I based my statement above on him vehemently disagreeing with you when a coworker quit for a mistake on his part and when you said his plate was not full as he only worked 2 days a week

Btw, how do you know he wasnt swamped? Were you in the know of everything he was doing?
Maybe for you, it was an empty plate and for him it's full

Oh my- just seen this. That is truly awful - I am so so sorry.

The funny thing is Hithere is that we generally work well together. He likes the things I don't and I like the things he doesn't and it goes well together.

Smileless2012 Yes, I've asked him several times. He wants something with his new job to be where he wants it to be before he talks to me or sees me. I really don't know what it is.

Oh, and someone mentioned seeing a therapist....I tried to get him to go with me and even his wife, but he refused.

From what you wrote, you and your son have very different business styles and they are not compatible.

You may have done so already and told us so, so I apologise if this is the case but if not, could you ask to meet with him so you can talk about everything that may be upsetting/annoying him to the extent that he has now made this unreasonable demand?

Without communication, without him telling you how he's feeling right now and how he's felt in the past that he never told you, you're never going to be able to find a way forward.

My advice FWIW is even if you have done this and he's refused, is do it again. If he refuses, you could tell him that if there ever comes a time when he does want to talk, you'll be there for him to listen.

In the meantime don't give into his demands, if your relationship with your son can be turned around IMO that is not the way to do it.

As to the comments that he had too much on his plate? I'm going to have to go with no on that one. He was really at most working two days a week and then my chemo one day a week at first and every other after the first five weeks.

Now, as for the scary stuff. Yes....and I remember what it was like when My mom died and then my first step-father died. Then one grandfather, then the other. I do understand how scary that was. I was angry at my mom for not fighting, but years later after going through chemo myself, I kind of understand why she made the choice to do nothing and just let the cancer take her.

Perhaps he feels you should already know jgran but you are ending with a situation where everyone seems to get a property but your son... That is going to hurt him deeply.

I wonder if despite the issues, and you must remember that relationships are 2 way and you have had a bigger part than he has being his mum and an adult for longer, if the message you really want to leave him with is, he didn't deserve anything from you.

Starblaze, I'm sorry you are not feeling well. Yes, I've been on the computer too long and have a number of things to get done before bed time. Autonomy? Maybe. Yes, I've caught them from falling and I've been there for much of it...said no at times which has been a source of anger for him in the past. No one likes No. Normally, he recognizes if he has been upset and has apologized, but not this time so obviously what he is upset about is bigger, but I can't do anything about that if he won't tell me what it is that I've done.

Given that my youngest is 5 and his father and mother are forty. The estate will be managed by my little sister so he will not be their landlord until they are 60 and he is 25. That is the age that the estate will be scheduled to transfer. He is legally able to delay that if he wishes to. So, I've already thought that one ahead. The home I live in now is more likely where he will choose to live or in his brother's condo as the access to higher education once he graduates...or, for that matter he may choose to study away from home. We are nowhere near there yet. I do appreciate you pointing that out though given that most may not have thought of it.
My little sister is a wise one, so if I'm not here to make that decision, I'm sure she will. I am also going to be giving my baby sister's son and daughter a property in the same way. They are 13 and 16. They are all set for higher education. That is my biggest goal is to get a higher education. I believe that higher education is very important and it should not be a weight around your ankle for years into your early work years. I am currently putting one of my elder sister's sons through school for his BA. Her second son is thinking about going back to school, but has not yet decided. He just turns 19 in a few days and is a new father so he is struggling with what to do. I was the only one that wanted a higher education except my baby sister. My mother didn't want me to go to school. She only insisted that I be good at cleaning and know how to cook, so my Step-dad taught me to cook.

jgran I'm not very well at all and it's the middle of the night here so forgive me if this doesn't come across as well as intended.

I had a traumatic childhood too and it's quite easy to think that, the opposite of abuse and neglect is the right way to parent. However the opposite of abuse and neglect is over protective, controlling and enmeshed.

You have had trauma, your son has also had some trauma.

You have played many roles in his life. First Mum to a minor child, then mum to an adult. You have been the boss to his employee then a venture together where you have remained in charge.

The two of you have never been as equals. Never had just an adult to adult relationship. You have always been "above" him on some level calling the shots.

You became desperately ill and your son who was used to you always having a measure of power couldn't then cope with your extra needs on top.

Now I don't think it is right that he demand money/property from you in exchange for a relationship. But I wonder if you look underneath that, your son actually wants some autonomy back. I also feel he expected more out of your flipping business as your son and despite you doing all the paper work and probably investing all the money... That is generally how a family business would work.

I think there is a possibility your son is tired of always being the "kid" and I only use that word to demonstate to you that perhaps you haven't allowed him to be an adult. You have strong opinions about his choices. You have come to his rescue too often. You haven't taught him responsibility by giving him any or allowing him to make and fix his own mistakes.

I think that will have to change for this to be rectified.

I also think counselling or therapy of some kind would really benefit you.

Your state was meant to be your estate

jgran, Obviously you know your state better than I do, but you were leaving one grandson a condo, and the other is getting the house that the family lives in now, is that correct?

I would be very concerned for that younger grandson being in a position of being a landlord to his father. He is not going to get the enjoyment of living in that house as an adult until his parents pass away. If you can, I would probably gift him a different property so that he gets to be the master of his own domain the same as his older brother.

Well, communication takes two so if he won't, that is a hard place to be in. If he thinks he has a valid claim and won't discuss it, that's on him, not you.

I do have a couple of friends that know both of us. They are completely stumped as to how everything happened so suddenly and how excited he seemed to be about what we were doing only a couple of months prior. They think it is his wife. I really don't know. I mean, I'm always there for them and even when she was going in to have the baby I arranged for the house to be thoroughly cleaned before she went home. Prepared meals for them to reheat. I try to do little thoughtful things whenever I can. I never force it on them, I always ask if it's ok, but at the same time it absolutely is both of them that demanded I not help anyone from her family.

OceanMama; He keeps saying that we will discuss it when....then there are various reasons. First he needed some time. Then it was because I was so sick. Then it was when he found a job.. it just keeps getting delayed and now we are a year away plus.

Have you directly asked your son why he feels he should have the property? Your first post even says "I thought it was because'. So you don't seem to know? Has he ever given you reason he feels so strongly about that?

We all are given challenges in life. I've always stepped away from mine trying to see the lessons. The abuse, the alcoholics around me, the drug addicts around me, the death around me, divorce, etc. It's all life's lessons. If life was never a challenge it would be no lesson at all.

and yes...Smileless2012, I don't really understand the demand at all. When he quit, I didn't say, "Rents due on the first!" I even hoped that he would job search and see that it wasn't all that out there....then the pandemic hit. That didn't help. Even now, he's only working part time. I'm pretty sure she isn't working. I honestly don't know how they are making ends meet, but I don't ask. Maybe his father is helping him, but I really doubt it because I know his father's wife really hopes my son would just disappear. She still worries that I want my ex back. Its been more than 35 years....why would I want him? I left him for a reason. My son had hoped for a short time, but I think something his father said after I made it clear that he should not lose his current wife for me as I moved on long ago. I don't know. See anything there????

Good catch OceanMama. Yes, we made sure everything was clear from the beginning. The properties I mention are all properties that I bought far prior to our agreement. Only the one he was working on actually fell into our agreement. I bought the property he lives in shortly after he began working at the manufacturing company. That was several years before our agreement. Yes, over the years even before he worked for me he often referred to everything as "Ours"...to which I would say, "We're not married! What's mine is not automatically yours." I didn't say it every time as it would have been very embarrassing at times for him, but we did discuss it. We did discuss his being the Trustee at first, but he displayed signs of financial mismanagement on more than one occasion and his wife isn't good with finances. She always has her cards maxed and they have come to me several times over the years to get them out of sticky situations. As well, I've always made it clear that I'd rather they ask me for help rather than having a car accident because you can't afford new tires or something. When I decided that my little sister would be a better choice as Trustee, I advised him of it as it was both my legal and moral responsibility to let him know. This was a couple of years ago. 2 to 2 1/2 ish???

Did he feel he was my equal...I hope so in the business. The intention was for him to eventually take over and do that on his own as I aged and as his step son was old enough to assist. He even brought him on site and got him involved a couple of times in what happens on a job site. I loved that even my grandson was interested in it.

It's a tough one JGran. Unfortunately it's sounding like maybe mixing business and family hasn't worked out the best for all concerned. I'm out of ideas, and I'm not saying I'm right, just throwing out some thoughts for you to consider. I hope you are able to heal this.

Yes, he had quite a lot at the same time hit. I should also say that his father had to have open heart surgery due to his ??3rd?? heart attack. My son is 39 and I am 56. Yes, I had him exactly one year and six days after marrying.

I get that it was emotionally a struggle, but I had no control over my diagnosis and the Flip house WAS his job. He chose to only go to the job site one day a week and he didn't have to spend a great deal of time here, so time wasn't really his issue. He had three full days at home with his wife and kids and would make calls in the morning as well as on-line shopping for sinks, etc. We often said that we were lucky that we closed the business when we did because flipping allowed us a ton of flexible time to do what we want when we want. That part was low stress, but I do know that knowing some of the details was a struggle for him because he would have to come to me to find out. Sometimes the guys on site would not be honest with him and then I'd have to explain and I'm sure (knowing him) he felt like it was a failure or something. Maybe he felt like he didn't want to continue to let me down.....I just don't know.