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Estrangement

Domestic Violence from kids to parents

(679 Posts)
Lavazza1st Sun 11-Oct-20 15:55:35

I am copying and pasting a post I just found on our local Facebook page for police. This is what the man wrote:

"Why aren't we highlighting mother's of domestic abuse at the hands of their sons?.
These mothers of lads need support after failing to set boundaries early on got irretrievably out of hand as I imagine the mums end up victims of domestic abuse from little back chatting tyrants who hold the mum to ransom, so she gives in for an easy life, and he learns that being abusive gets him rewarded.
You should never reward bad behaviour.
It's like the kid that screams and screams til the parent gives in and gets them a packet of sweets.
I do believe we have parents who've given up after being ground down to nothing over time.
It's a thing that goes on under the radar."

I was really surprised this was written by a man and also really surprised that this is being openly discussed. I think it's a good thing to be open about it and remove the shame factor so people can get help. I hope it helps someone here , that's why I posted it.

Galaxy Thu 15-Oct-20 14:08:13

A disturbed man. Yes that's my point entirely, your 'Karen' is being picked up by some disturbed men who couldn't care less about racism they just want to do what they want to do towards women. And the bonus now is they can do that and be patted on the back for it.

Smileless2012 Thu 15-Oct-20 14:11:47

there are some who will use it to justify all sorts of behaviour towards women as your post @ 13.47 demonstrated Galaxy.

Starblaze Thu 15-Oct-20 14:11:51

This sort of rhetoric existed long before the Internet, now its always there in black and white. Even if it gets deleted, someone likely screenshot it and shared it somewhere else.

Some people aren't nice people but they forget that they travel around the Internet leaving documented evidence of who they are as people. It's caused job losses, relationship breakdowns and all sorts of strife.

Even if you aren't talking on the Internet, you never know who might be recording you to upload there later.

Is the answer not calling out that sort of behaviour and being angry to reactions to it?

Or is the answer that people don't engage in behaviour that goes down in Internet history as problematic.... In the first place?

What came first? The word or the deed?

Smileless2012 Thu 15-Oct-20 14:14:59

It's irrelevant which came first, the word or the deed, if they are both unacceptable.

rosecarmel Thu 15-Oct-20 14:17:31

Message deleted by Gransnet. While we understand that the image was used to demonstrate a point, we have removed the post as we felt it wasn't sensitive to use an image of violence like this on the forums. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rosecarmel Thu 15-Oct-20 14:21:18

The image is Emmett Till -

Smileless2012 Thu 15-Oct-20 14:23:19

Who is protecting women from their flawed behaviour just because they are women?

Criminals like Hindly and Rose West were quite rightly vilified for their appalling crimes, with little or no attempt to disguise the fact that for some, their crimes were all the more heinous because they were women.

rosecarmel Thu 15-Oct-20 14:31:09

Who is protecting women from their flawed behaviour just because they are women?

I just provided one example-

Starblaze Thu 15-Oct-20 14:33:18

Well obviously the opposite of discrimination against women is not putting women on a pedestal because those two rhetorics at the same time causes issues

That is exactly why women like my mum get away with abusing their own children, because they are seen as poor defenseless victims and we only acknowledge the female perpetrators who take lives or cause life threatening damage to others... Then we work to ostrasise them as not one of us while ignoring all the other women on the abuse spectrum.

Like the daughters who clearly weren't mentioned in the OP.

Again though we have to look at history, either in society or within families to find out why we have abuse, racism, sexism and all that utter ridiculous nonsense in the first place.

Chewbacca Thu 15-Oct-20 15:19:53

Again though we have to look at history, either in society or within families to find out why we have abuse, racism, sexism and all that utter ridiculous nonsense in the first place.

I think we have to look closer to home than that Starblaze; this forum and thread would be a good start. On a forum that is populated by (I think) predominantly white, middle aged/elderly women; we have posters who go to extraordinary lengths to justify using a meme to slur, and using misogynistic language, to illustrate a "certain type" of woman. And yet the hypocrisy of that can't be seen or accepted. I wonder why?

Starblaze Thu 15-Oct-20 15:39:08

"Posters" Chewbacca? I asked you once before where the plural is but you ignored it.

If you are asking me to put white, middle aged women above any other demographic, I'm afraid I won't.

rosecarmel Thu 15-Oct-20 15:52:29

Chewbacca, the term Karen encompasses "certain types" of behaviors- Having white skin isn't a behavior- Being a certain age isn't a behavior- Having tons of money banked or just enough isn't a behavior-

Chewbacca Thu 15-Oct-20 16:18:15

I asked you once before where the plural is but you ignored it.

That's right. I did.

Starblaze Thu 15-Oct-20 16:20:13

Chewbacca

^I asked you once before where the plural is but you ignored it.^

That's right. I did.

Lol

Smileless2012 Thu 15-Oct-20 16:34:03

I don't see where you are being asked "to put white, middle aged women above any other demographic" Starblaze.

Any terminology that as Chewbacca has posted, that uses "misogynistic language, to illustrate a 'certain type of woman'" is wrong. Their race and colour is irrelevant.

Starblaze Thu 15-Oct-20 16:38:00

I'm absolutely baffled by this thread at this point, just seems a lot of very personal passive aggressiveness instead of actual discussion about things

Not really of interest to me

welbeck Thu 15-Oct-20 16:48:31

i did try to raise a serious issue that i have observed more than once, elderly people being abused or denied necessities by adult children, being controlled.
the present example i outlined is one that has caused me much concern.
i know there is no easy answer to it. and i thank the one person who acknowledged the difficult situation.
i had hoped for others' experiences or insights.
but the discussion veered off into a topic that seems to dominate so many threads, whatever its title. and now stuck again on something that seems unrelated.

rosecarmel Thu 15-Oct-20 16:56:05

Grandmothers behaviors and mothers behaviors and daughters behaviors and daughter in-laws behaviors and sisters behaviors and aunts behaviors are often the topic of discussion, labeled and female-

Yet behaviors that depict that of white privilege and by white females of any age or income, there's suddenly a push to table the discussion -- and the hypocrisy right along with it-

HolyHannah Thu 15-Oct-20 17:06:46

rosecarmel -- I guess it's okay to call a 7 year old "nasty and naughty" but putting a term to adults who display entitled behavior is not. Interesting.

NatashaGransnet (GNHQ) Thu 15-Oct-20 17:13:32

Hi all - we can see this thread is heading in the direction of a bun fight. Please can everyone refrain from personal attacks. flowers

rosecarmel Thu 15-Oct-20 17:13:46

The image of Emmitt Till was deleted-

If that isn't a display of white privilege, nothing is-

Galaxy Thu 15-Oct-20 17:15:15

Who says thats ok. I know I didnt.
Quite a number of the children I work with will at times hurt their parents, they have complex needs, it must be incredibly difficult as whilst as a parent you will understand that this is beyond their control, your body will still react to the violence if you see what I mean.

Galaxy Thu 15-Oct-20 17:15:56

Why has that been deleted. I dont understand that.

Smileless2012 Thu 15-Oct-20 17:23:09

Yes you did welbeck, it was about a lady being abused by her adult children who were controlling her money and the food she's eating; terrible.

If I remember correctly, there's paid help going into her house. I wonder if the carer has seen anything that may arouse her suspicions.

If she had though, who would she raise her concerns with and would it help as the lady in question is either unwilling or unable to see that this is abuse?

It's a shame that as you say, this thread which is about such a serious and important issue has gone off topic.

Starblaze Thu 15-Oct-20 17:23:47

welbeck I thought I answered you, maybe I didn't, when I mentioned the current events and how that may negatively impact general care and concern for the elderly as society seems willing to sacrifice them right now.

Its just not good enough, elderly people are being neglected in many settings and although I am estranged from my mum, I adore my Dad and can't imagine ever treating him with anything less than dignity and respect. Although honestly I think he will outlive me lol

My Dad doesn't live in the UK but he told me there are services that check in elderly people as routine, especially in winter to be sure they are warm enough and have enough food.

Personally I think that is a wonderful idea and if encompassed to include signs of abuse and neglect would be of great benefit. Even someone popping in to check on the home environment and circumstances once a month would make such a huge difference.

When you think of all the agencies in place to safeguard children, something at the opposite end of life just seems like common sense to me.