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Estrangement

Domestic Violence from kids to parents

(679 Posts)
Lavazza1st Sun 11-Oct-20 15:55:35

I am copying and pasting a post I just found on our local Facebook page for police. This is what the man wrote:

"Why aren't we highlighting mother's of domestic abuse at the hands of their sons?.
These mothers of lads need support after failing to set boundaries early on got irretrievably out of hand as I imagine the mums end up victims of domestic abuse from little back chatting tyrants who hold the mum to ransom, so she gives in for an easy life, and he learns that being abusive gets him rewarded.
You should never reward bad behaviour.
It's like the kid that screams and screams til the parent gives in and gets them a packet of sweets.
I do believe we have parents who've given up after being ground down to nothing over time.
It's a thing that goes on under the radar."

I was really surprised this was written by a man and also really surprised that this is being openly discussed. I think it's a good thing to be open about it and remove the shame factor so people can get help. I hope it helps someone here , that's why I posted it.

Iam64 Sun 18-Oct-20 18:31:03

hugshelp, thanks for the clarification on your views on m.h. issues and parenting. Its very rare for seriously mentally ill people, eg those with psychosis or schozophrenia for example to pose any threat to their children or other people.
the level of anxiety, depression or ptsd amongst the general population is high. Many of those people will be parents. Again, highly unlikely that parents pose a risk to their children. Parents suffering significant levels of depression/anxiety /substance misuse may be emotionally unavailable to their children at times. None of this makes them abusive parents. Its great that many of us feel less stigmatised, more able to be open about their mh issues.
We all need to care about this, to understand what resources are and should be available. 40 year ago women's groups were organising for eg women's refuge/support for parents. Sadly progress made has been devastated in recent years. Let's get fighting again

FannyCornforth Sun 18-Oct-20 18:37:55

FannyCornforth

rosecarmel
I have no idea now what you are referring to in your above comment, alongside 'crying with laughter' emojis.
I think that it's a bit rum to muddy the waters when posters like Daisy have utilised this thread (initially about elder abuse) to ask for help as a sufferer of elder abuse.

I'm just trying to draw attention to someone who very much needs it.

FannyCornforth Sun 18-Oct-20 18:41:18

rosecarmel

Fanny, because expressing disapproval and resorting to guilt tripping isn't rum and doesn't muddy water much?

Sorry, I meant to quote this.

Namsnanny Sun 18-Oct-20 18:50:29

Daisy ... here is another email address you may be able to access, especially if you cant use the phone.

[email protected]

Please try to contact someone.

flowers

Namsnanny Sun 18-Oct-20 18:55:47

I'm just trying to draw attention to someone who needs it

Thank you Fanny I agree.

A nervous vulnerable person has reached out, it wont help her or anyone like her if they feel like they are jumping into a private argument here.

Iam64 Sun 18-Oct-20 19:02:52

well said Namsnanny

Chewbacca Sun 18-Oct-20 19:24:49

40 year ago women's groups were organising for eg women's refuge/support for parents. Sadly progress made has been devastated in recent years.

This so relevant Iam64. Even before the COVID pandemic, our mental health services were massively underfunded and under resourced. Since then, millions of people have been forced into a far more isolated and solitary lifestyle leading to huge increases in all types of domestic violence and mental ill health . None of our recent governments has taken mental health care seriously, especially the present incumbents.

welbeck Sun 18-Oct-20 19:40:44

dear Daisy, thank you fr reaching out.
this situation is far too common, though often hidden.
there is help out there.
does your son live with you.
if not please asap make phone calls.
to you GP doc tomorrow. say it's urgent. you need a call back. tell him her what you have written here.

HolyHannah Mon 19-Oct-20 07:32:57

hugshelp -- "It's clear from HolyHannah's response to my criticism of 'Karen' as a term of abuse, that my comment reminded me of her mother. The fact I may have made a comment here that caused you to think of your mother doesn't mean I did that intentionally, or that I seek to deny or minimise your experiences."

There's a lot wrong in that short quote...

Iam64 Mon 19-Oct-20 10:30:00

HolyHannah, I think you'll find I made that comment, not hugshelp. I could have worded it more clearly but I expect that isn't your problem with my post.

Namsnanny Mon 19-Oct-20 10:56:51

Iam64👍

Starblaze Mon 19-Oct-20 11:54:15

That's good because I thought that didn't sound at all like hugshelp

MrsWarren Mon 19-Oct-20 12:27:14

Starblaze

That's good because I thought that didn't sound at all like hugshelp

Same.

Sparkling Mon 19-Oct-20 13:18:03

Hugshelp, Your post was supportive about the subject posted. Holyhannah, I find looking for hidden meanings in your every sentence pointless and tedious, that is why I don’t respond, others that do, if not endorcing your views are responded to with sarcasm. I hope that it doesn’t drive away posters that need support and advice if possible on such a terrible crime such as adult violence against elderly parents.

Starblaze Mon 19-Oct-20 13:27:17

Sparkling

Simple difference, some listen when Holyhannah explains she has autism and are able to make allowances in comnunucation, not just for people with autism either. We all have different ways of communicating, showing empathy and being supportive. All valid.

Looking for hidden meaning in comments is a pointless exercise, you are right there. So why do it?

Most people don't intend hidden meaning, why does it occur to you it may be there if that isn't something you do yourself?

A mistake has been made and pointed out. Its not a big deal. I'm sure hugshelp will be her usual kind and understanding self.

Starblaze Mon 19-Oct-20 13:33:19

Actually that came out wrong, it should probably be "is autistic" because autism is something people are, not have really, it's not a cold.

Smileless2012 Mon 19-Oct-20 13:38:48

I hope so too Sparkling because there are posters "driven away" having come to GN and especially the estrangement threads looking for help and support.

HolyHannah Mon 19-Oct-20 13:46:11

My apologies to hugshelp on the misquote.

Iam64 -- Thank you for correcting Me.

"It's clear from HolyHannah's response to my criticism of 'Karen' as a term of abuse, that my comment reminded me of her mother. The fact I may have made a comment here that caused you to think of your mother doesn't mean I did that intentionally, or that I seek to deny or minimise your experiences." -- That is still a very troubling statement regardless of who said it.

hugshelp Mon 19-Oct-20 14:20:37

Thank you to those who kindly sorted out the minor blip - no worries, I'm forever mucking up on here.

Daisy - I hope you're ok, and won't be put off talking to us some more when you are able.

Just bringing down a couple of the useful emails others have provided in case you can use them but don't have time to go hunting

[email protected]

Silverline was started by Esther Rantzen, in 2013, and at the moment is esp reaching out to people who feel isolated.
www.thesilverline.org.uk/
0800 4 70 80 90

there is also Action on Elder Abuse, which for some reason now calls itself Hourglass, confusingly to me.
wearehourglass.org/
HelpLine 0808 808 8141

Sorry starblaze I don't know how to bring your info down, and can't read it, I'm guessing it was done on a mobile and I'm afraid I can't see to use mobile devices.

Can I please suggest we keep the help info on this thread prominent atm and if I've missed any sorry, could those who shared it earlier add it. xx

Starblaze Mon 19-Oct-20 14:32:09

hugshelp it's

[email protected]

I tried to find a specific email for reporting online and couldn't but if Daisy is able reach out online again as she did here, I am sure one of these organisations will assist via email.

It may not be a good idea for *Dakisy to start her own thread if she may be watched and perhaps actually we shouldn't draw too much attention in case she is monitored and son reads through her "I'm on" list. She may not even be able to come back.

Another avenue would be to pass a note to someone at a doctors surgery or elsewhere asking for help and giving information that a third party can report to police. Or maybe someone could report her comment to gransnet who may be able to contact her with information or help. Actually, now I have thought of that possibility I will do so now.

Hopefully there is enough info there.

rosecarmel Mon 19-Oct-20 14:55:28

Or maybe someone could report her comment to gransnet who may be able to contact her with information or help.

Please share how gransnet responds to your request- I contacted them in the past when a member expressed that they were suicidal- The response I received was that legally their hands are tied, in so many words-

It seems in the US there's more latitude in such areas, that administrators can contact authorities and take life preserving, protective measures-

Starblaze Mon 19-Oct-20 15:09:44

Gransnet made suggestions of resources to me when I was struggling rosecarmel so I'm hopeful that even if they can't breach data protection or get involved directly, they can at least pass on information

hugshelp Mon 19-Oct-20 15:44:07

Thank you starblaze - some helpful thoughts there and I hope there's a chance GN can help.

Smileless2012 Mon 19-Oct-20 17:48:00

Daisyflowers

Re your post yesterday @ 19.24 Chewbacca there was a news report last week that the number of calls from men suffering domestic abuse has risen by 60%.

One can only imagine how terrible is must be for all in this situation especially with more stringent lock down measures in certain areas.

NatashaGransnet (GNHQ) Mon 19-Oct-20 18:10:28

We're so sorry to hear that you're going through this DaisySweetDream.

We hope you don't mind, but when these posts are flagged to us we like to link to the webguides over on Mumsnet, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at their Domestic Violence page here: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

And thank you so much to those offering support and helpful resources.

We do hope this helps flowers